Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Teenagers and lifts - who should do it?

72 replies

Aviolive · 27/09/2023 20:41

Firstly I’ll caveat this by saying that we live remotely without good public transport links, so quite a lot of lifts are necessary on a daily basis!

AIBU though in thinking that you should only really be the default lift giver for your own children, and not their friends/girlfriends/boyfriends? So if DS for example was out, he’d need a lift home - but if he has friends/a girlfriend over to our house, they should be picked up by their own parents and it isn’t down to us to pick them up and then drop them back at home again?

Just curious what the norm is amongst other families so we are setting reasonable boundaries.

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 29/09/2023 13:27

When I was a teen at this stage, living rurally, I got dropped off or picked up from my boyfriend’s house, but not both ways - his parents would do the same for him. It was pretty evenly split - I lived in the sticks, he lived in town, so often my parents would either be heading to town for something anyway (so happy to drop/pick up one or other of us), or I’d get the (very infrequent) bus if I could. His parents probably did a bit less ferrying but not significantly.

edit to add: in your situation I’d definitely be telling DS that you’ll do one way only. They’ll figure it out.

NoSquirrels · 29/09/2023 13:29

And if your DH is keener to assist, he can do more!

Unexpecteddrivinginstructor · 29/09/2023 13:36

I would also make the one way just the taking her home (i.e. the direction you are wanting her to go), this avoids excuses about next busses, the dark, getting wet etc., without making it any easier to get to your house.

tescocreditcard · 29/09/2023 13:39

I think if you choose to live in a village you should do all the driving. We'd all like to live in a village but it just isn't practical.

When my kids made friends with people who lived in the villages I got fed up driving round very quickly and told my kids I wasn't going to do it anymore and that their friends parents would have to do the driving.

Funnily enough, my kids made friends with people who lived a lot closer to them after I said that.

Candleabra · 29/09/2023 13:39

Difficult situation.
I always found I was the default lift giver. Other kids would say, oh mum won’t give me a lift I’ll walk back. But I wasn’t happy with my DD walking back so I ended up giving her a lift. Of course that also included the friends….as I was going that way anyway….
It wasn’t fair, but ultimately I wanted her to be safe. She learned to drive very quickly though!

Shinyandnew1 · 29/09/2023 13:41

I wouldn’t be doing lifts all the time-especially not a weekend evening when I’d rather have a glass of wine!

Havd you had this conversation with your son? Just say-I’m sick of it always being me who is the taxi driver for your girlfriend-I don’t want to carry on doing it all the time. Either you go to hers or her parents take and collect her-I’ve has enough…

Have you tried that approach?

tescocreditcard · 29/09/2023 13:43

Just seen your update.

No, I wouldn't be facilitating that relationship. It'll fizzle out if you do nothing to encourage it.

JJ8765 · 29/09/2023 13:46

My ds was in an unhealthy relationship and I would continue the lifts because that means he keeps coming back to yours and not staying at hers. He will wise up to her eventually but you need to keep him close. Girls like this often try and drive a wedge between their bf and their family so I wouldn’t give her any opportunity. Plus at least you know where he is and is safe.

NeunundneunzigHorseBallonz · 29/09/2023 13:47

Hit her up for “taxi” fares and make your home less comfortable to her. She might decide he’s not worth pursuing.

Nutsabouttopic · 29/09/2023 14:22

Tell your son that his girlfriend is welcome, that her parents can drop her to yours and you'll drop home. She'll stop coming over as much but you have been very fair and reasonable. Hopefully your son will wise up to her antics soon

Original poster
Aviolive · 29/09/2023 14:38

Nutsabouttopic · 29/09/2023 14:22

Tell your son that his girlfriend is welcome, that her parents can drop her to yours and you'll drop home. She'll stop coming over as much but you have been very fair and reasonable. Hopefully your son will wise up to her antics soon

I live in hope, but he’s thinking with the wrong part of his anatomy.

OP posts:
goingtotown · 29/09/2023 14:43

I'd have a couple of glasses of wine, she'll have to make other arrangements to get home.

Goldenbear · 29/09/2023 15:40

We live in a city and my 16 year old DS will sometimes ask for a lift to a friend's house that lives on the outskirts in a village but that's because you can't get there otherwise unless you walked across The Downs in the middle of the night which would take about 2hours. However, he is very independent and will usually get the bus or walk around with friends. I always have to give lifts to one of his friends as they don't own a car. I don't really mind, my DH is a bit more bothered by it but neither of us like him walking home on his own through the city from a friend's house so if drinking, DH meets him on foot. I don't want to be taken for granted but with my DD who is 12 I always end up giving her friend a lift home as her parents tell her to walk but I'd never forgive myself if something happened to her, this is about 8 at night - tbf they don't own a car either but on foot she only lives about 15 minutes away so if i was the parent id walk to get her. I don't want to use the car for distances like that and would happily walk with her and DD but DD ends up persuading me to give her a lift.

Shinyandnew1 · 29/09/2023 16:08

goingtotown · 29/09/2023 14:43

I'd have a couple of glasses of wine, she'll have to make other arrangements to get home.

I would tell him you are going to have the wine early in the evening and don’t even go and fetch her. You don’t want her at yours, you unable to drive and then insisting she spends the night so you can take her home in the morning!

Ponderingwindow · 29/09/2023 16:20

All my DD’s friends live remotely so all need transport. Most of the parents are great about taking their turns. It’s been very easy to learn from listening as I drive, the parents who aren’t doing their fair share aren’t just shirking the driving, they are poor parents in general. These kids have a hard enough time at home, I’m not going to begrudge them a ride because their parents won’t take a shift.

RicePuddingLady · 29/09/2023 16:25

There has to be some agreement whatever the case. Me or DH drop teen DD’s boyfriend home, but his parents drop our FD home from their house. We live in the city, though, so it’s only lifts home at night needed. They can make their own way too, only get lifts back!

TeenMum87 · 01/10/2023 12:14

We don’t exactly live remotely but there are so few buses or trains it feels that way. We’re usually at least a 15 minute drive away from anyone and everything. I don’t work so I probably do 75% of lifts. I don’t mind doing slightly more than other parents providing they do some and don’t just expect it. DC had a friend whose parents were doctor and nurse with 3 kids, it might be weeks before they could do their turn, but they did what they could and it was appreciated.

Passepartoute · 01/10/2023 12:20

Until your update, I would have said it very much depends on circumstances. If it were my child visiting a friend living somewhere remote, I think I would expect to collect them, not least to ensure they could get home safely.

However, in the circumstances of your update I have to admit I probably wouldn't facilitate the relationship at all, unless of course my refusal to give lifts actually meant the nasty GF staying overnight.

RichardArmitagesWife · 01/10/2023 12:25

The parents of the person doing the travelling give the lifts. When several teens are travelling, lifts are shared between the parents.

There's no way I'd be fetching the GF to my house and taking her home again.

Mumofteenandtween · 01/10/2023 12:52

Give the lift that ensures that she leaves and not the one that means that she arrives!

gemma19846 · 01/10/2023 12:57

Theyre children, make sure they get home safe. Be the bigger person. Keep in touch with their parents and arrange between you lifts and drops

IspendallmymoneyonEtsy · 01/10/2023 13:21

gemma19846 · 01/10/2023 12:57

Theyre children, make sure they get home safe. Be the bigger person. Keep in touch with their parents and arrange between you lifts and drops

Have you got a teen? Because I don’t know many older teens going out at night where the parents are coordinating/in touch with each other.

As a single parent with a demanding job I moved into town/close to school to mean that my teen could be as independent as they wanted to be - my spare time is definitely not for ferrying other people’s kids to their rural homes.

UsingChangeofName · 01/10/2023 14:50

Have you got a teen? Because I don’t know many older teens going out at night where the parents are coordinating/in touch with each other.

But my dc would say "Mum, can you drop me and Jane and Kieran into town tonight please?" Or, "Can Alex have a lift back with us tonight please?".
I wouldn't have contact with parents, but the teens would know who they are going out with.

Shinyandnew1 · 01/10/2023 15:11

But my dc would say "Mum, can you drop me and Jane and Kieran into town tonight please?" Or, "Can Alex have a lift back with us tonight please?".

But if the conversation was always, ‘mum, can we go out and pick up X from her house and then bring her back here and then you take her home again at the end of the night?’ then my answer would be, ‘no, not again-I’m sick of always being the one to do that’.

MrsMara · 01/10/2023 15:16

Aviolive · 28/09/2023 10:41

Thank you.

I wanted unbiased opinions but this particular issue relates to DS(17) GF. I can’t stand her so its colouring my view of whether lifts are reasonable/expected or not (when frankly I’d rather she wasn’t in my house at all).

She has cheated on him multiple times (with the same person), they’ve broken up and got back together probably the same amount of times, she’s been known to scream and swear at him when she’s been challenged. It’s an incredibly unhealthy relationship.

So I admit I am feeling rather resentful that my evenings are being disrupted for someone I dislike so much. (Not once have her own parents brought her or picked her up, the expectation is that it’s always down to us)

But it seems based on the replies here that (putting my dislike of her and their relationship aside) 50/50 on the lifts would be a more reasonable way to do it.

No, I wouldn't offer her a single lift. In your shoes I wouldn't care what my dc thought either. Their choice to see this person.

I wouldn't give how she gets home a second thought.