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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to get annoyed about split of chores?

54 replies

Overthinker991 · 27/09/2023 09:11

Sorry if this is just a long rant! Feeling a bit p*ssed off and resentful but not sure if i'm being unreasonable. My DH works from home while I am in office 2 days a week, both work full time. I do all of the household cleaning, washings, sorting out recycling etc. I make him take the bins out but have to tell him when each collection is every week. We often eat seperate meals during the week but will take turns cooking when we do have the same meals. I will always be the one cleaning up/ loading dishwasher regardless of who has cooked. I am also responsible for ensuring we have all household items from the shops. Along with this I do bulk of looking after dog and 75% of his walks - he generally only walks the dog the 2 days I am out at work. We have a decent outside space so he does cut the grass and usually takes care of any DIY (although I do a lot of painting). He's currently working on an outside job at the weekends so thats taken over, I've cut the grass the last time as he was busy with this (although have also been roped into help with this job at the weekend), plus things like weeding etc are split or generally suggested that I go out and pull some weeds. He is responsible for washing the cars however hasnt done this in over 6 months and won't allow me to take to my car to a car wash place "incase they scratch it".

This morning he says up that all the interior windows need cleaned and why have they not been done for so long. I agree they do need done but have been busy with plenty other things.I feel very taken for granted and much like a slave, even just with simple things like he doesn't put his washing in the basket, doesn't put any packaging in the bins in kitchen or plates in the dishwasher.

AIBU to be p*ssed off with this split of household responsibilities and starting to feel very resentful?

OP posts:
WinterDeWinter · 27/09/2023 09:18

You must know that this is totally unfair OP. Have you pointed it out - what does he say?

Literally everything should be shared 50/50. That's the only fair way. If he or you want one person to do specific jobs you negotiate a fair swap.

If he tries to justify anything less, he's literally saying he's worth more than you are. He's happy to step on your back to get to his comfy chair.

muchalover · 27/09/2023 09:18

Men tend to gravitate towards jobs that are monthly and if not done make little impact on the running of the home.

Women, in our endeavor to be good partners and create beautiful homes, do everything else.

If you don't drop the ball then he won't recognise millions of jobs are even done. Because he doesn't want to. It suits him.

Drop the ball. Do you and any kids. Walk the dog a lot, particularly at cooking times. Don't load the dishwasher. Grit your teeth. Don't shop.

When it descends into disarray then talk and divide the chores fairly.

WinterDeWinter · 27/09/2023 09:18

Oh and don't let him say 'tell me what to do' - the mental load of remembering everything is a huge part of the burden.

Overthinker991 · 27/09/2023 09:28

Thanks for the reply both.

@WinterDeWinter we have had arguments about this before but always gets turned around that he does more/ has all of the household responsibility. Several times he's turned what I've said around and said that if I want him to be responsible for everything then I can pay my wage into his bank. So it's never very constructive!

OP posts:
Whataretheodds · 27/09/2023 09:31

he does more/ has all of the household responsibility. How does he work that one out?

He sounds like a massive shit, tbh.

Overthinker991 · 27/09/2023 09:35

@Whataretheodds who knows. I guess because when there has been cases where things go wrong in the house ie. shower broken or issue with drains etc he would be the one working out if he can fix it. Thinks he takes on the burden of "difficult" tasks vs the day to day things I do.

OP posts:
LightSpeeds · 27/09/2023 09:44

Can I ask, in terms of 'down time' (relaxing, going out, etc) what's the balance of that like between you?

Whataretheodds · 27/09/2023 09:46

You're describing someone who is resentful of you, doesn't value your contribution and belittles you. This is not healthy. If you're not able to resolve it yourselves I'd suggest relationship counselling.

Do you have children? If not, do NOT get pregnant with this man.

Overthinker991 · 27/09/2023 09:51

@LightSpeeds I would say he has more time to relax during the week ie. gets to stay in bed a lot longer and play video games after work. At weekends also has a lot of free time unless he is working on something he wants to get finished. He doesn't go out with friends a lot but that's through choice. I do have some free time but I mostly I go to the gym after work then take the dog out, then i'll maybe relax for an hour before bed as I get up earlier in the mornings (for work/dog). I do have free time to go out but if I know I'm going out later on with friends, I'll be tiring the dog out on multiple walks before I do. Often avoid making plans both weekend days to make sure I get the housework done as I hate living in a mess. In terms of down time together we go out about once a month and will spend time together on weekend evenings.

OP posts:
Overthinker991 · 27/09/2023 09:59

@Whataretheodds no we don't have children, and yes I'd say you are correct as even having the dog put a lot of strain on the relationship.

OP posts:
TheFeistyFeminist · 27/09/2023 10:01

Do not have children with this man.

GingerIsBest · 27/09/2023 10:04

It sounds like he earns more so seems to think that therefore he doesn't have to do as much of the housework - even though you both work full time.

If he thinks he's doing so much, why don't you suggest swapping tasks. You'll take on the grass and the cars and the DIY and he can do the rest?

Whataretheodds · 27/09/2023 10:10

What's the Financial split like (does that feel fair?) and how long have you been married?

The scenario you describe would really put me off physical or emotional intimacy. What are you getting out of this relationship?

pecanpie101 · 27/09/2023 10:14

Oh op, I couldn't live with someone like this.

What does he bring to your life? Does he make you happy in other ways? It sounds like he doesnt respect you at all.

Do you split the finances 50:50?
My advice would be take the dog and leave but that's easier said then done sometimes.

honeylulu · 27/09/2023 10:15

He sounds awful. Why didn't you tell him to clean the windows if he wants them cleaned! You work FT too, you aren't the skivvy.

And "not allowing you" to take your car to be cleaned. It's your car, just take it! Why do you have to follow his orders?

His insistence that he does more is infuriating. Can you draw up a chart with all the chores, frequency, and how long each takes to show how much time you reach spend of labour/leisure? Though I suspect he'll probably find a way of ageing that it is "wrong".

nutbrownhare15 · 27/09/2023 10:17

You've tried to raise it and he's been dismissive. I would stop doing stuff for him but ultimately be looking at getting out of this relationship. It sounds like he generates a lot of extra work for you and you get very little in return.

HerMammy · 27/09/2023 10:19

pay your wage into his bank
off he can fuck, I'd be divorcing this lazy nasty fuck.

AnonAnonandAriston · 27/09/2023 10:26

No, you aren't unreasonable to be pissed off with your partner basically doing fuck all around the house

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 27/09/2023 10:27

I'd leave him tbh.

Presumably you each pay your fair shares of the household costs?

Dizzybelle · 27/09/2023 10:31

Overthinker991 · 27/09/2023 09:28

Thanks for the reply both.

@WinterDeWinter we have had arguments about this before but always gets turned around that he does more/ has all of the household responsibility. Several times he's turned what I've said around and said that if I want him to be responsible for everything then I can pay my wage into his bank. So it's never very constructive!

So you are going to remain his servant for the rest of your life? He won’t even let you stand up for yourself for all the gas lighting he is doing. This is not an equal relationship in any way.

Overthinker991 · 27/09/2023 11:06

In response to the financial split of a few answers, I actually earn more and pay 2/3 of the mortgage plus split everything else. He put a higher deposit in so the mortgage split was to make the house share even at the end so I definitely pay my own way. I didn't think I'd get such a consensus on the response, thought I was just being a nag. But yes it's really hard to want to be intimate with someone when they make you feel like a slave and unappreciated so it's obviously affecting the relationship. And no I'm not happy but as said, it's easier said than done to leave sometimes.

OP posts:
SallySunrise · 27/09/2023 11:13

Have you considered divorce?

You'd have all of the chores to do, but that wouldn't be all that different to now.

I have to ask about the car washing thing though. He won't "allow" you to take it to a car wash?? Why does he get the final say on that?

Overthinker991 · 27/09/2023 11:26

@SallySunrise good question. I guess I just agree so I don't have to deal with the fallout after it or if there was a scratch on my car it would be blamed on that. Sounds quite pathetic when I write it down..

OP posts:
AnonAnonandAriston · 27/09/2023 11:39

Overthinker991 · 27/09/2023 09:28

Thanks for the reply both.

@WinterDeWinter we have had arguments about this before but always gets turned around that he does more/ has all of the household responsibility. Several times he's turned what I've said around and said that if I want him to be responsible for everything then I can pay my wage into his bank. So it's never very constructive!

Just tell him to stop being so fucking ridiculous! Point out that you pay more of the money and do more of the work so he is talking absolute bullshit

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