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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Uninvited from Christmas Eve

69 replies

Kilminchy123 · 25/09/2023 21:08

Hey guys,

I am 29 and live my partner and DS (20 months) and currently 18 weeks pregnant .
I am very close to my mother and sister whom lives with my mother and her 3 DC and partner (I visit them 3-4 times weekly) while renovating their home to move into.
Every Christmas of my life I have been in my mothers home as well as my other siblings. My other sister and brother are away for Christmas this year, and my mother informed me that herself and my sister and the kids are going to ‘relax’ Christmas Eve and don’t want any hustle and bustle. They said other extended family won’t be coming this year. I agreed and said yes we will just come in the morning as we will be busy preparing for Xmas morning for my son (we live 30 minutes from my mothers) - she then informed me this extended to me and my family also and we are not invited Xmas Eve and could come the day before Xmas Eve instead. I was very taken back by this as Christmas Eve is the only day my partner visits my family due to work, and in 29 years I have never NOT been with my mother and siblings for Xmas Eve.

I generally visit for an hour or two Xmas day also, but am reconsidering as I feel very unwanted. AIBU? Even before I had my DS and when I lived with my partner I used to sleep over in my mothers on Xmas Eve so I find this very unfair to be excluded and feel my sisters family are favoured just because they live there.

OP posts:
GettingStuffed · 25/09/2023 21:10

Does your sister live with your mother? It seems a bit weird though.

Islandsadness · 25/09/2023 21:11

GettingStuffed · 25/09/2023 21:10

Does your sister live with your mother? It seems a bit weird though.

It's literally in the OP!

Sounds like your mum is feeling taken for granted and fed up with hosting all the time. Why not invite them to yours?

Whataretheodds · 25/09/2023 21:13

Have you ever hosted, OP?

Original poster
Kilminchy123 · 25/09/2023 21:13

@Islandsadness i have invited them to mine and would actually adore this option but they kindly decline as she likes to be home for Xmas which I understand

OP posts:
Whataretheodds · 25/09/2023 21:14

It is quite presumptuous at 29 with your own partner and child that you can always just go to your mum's.

However I can understand you feeling hurt if you sister and her family are going to be there - but they live there at the moment so your mum can hardly chuck them out over Xmas.

Screamingabdabz · 25/09/2023 21:15

That’s harsh and I can see why you’re hurt but maybe there is something going on you don’t know about.

Maybe your poor mum is knackered and ideally wouldn’t have any of you there but has no choice with the sister. Living with a young family in your house, especially 3 children, must take its toll. Sometimes Christmas is full on and older women have just had enough of catering and running around for everyone.

Have you asked her why she’s made that decision this year and if she’s ok? I’d hear the answer before taking it personally.

MiIaMae · 25/09/2023 21:15

They live together, it's their home. They don't want hustle and bustle Christmas eve They are perfectly within their rights, in their home.

Original poster
Kilminchy123 · 25/09/2023 21:16

I suppose that’s why I’m asking- maybe I need to grow up lol. Just has always been the case to be there and be with my siblings etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
Kilminchy123 · 25/09/2023 21:18

I did ask why this was the case and she just said that last year with extended family there also that she felt my sisters DC missed out and didn’t get to watch a movie and chill before Santa. I was only there until 3ish last year as I live 30-40 mins away and wanted to prepare myself but maybe the extended family remained longer I’m not actually aware.

OP posts:
NalafromtheLionKing · 25/09/2023 21:18

If you can afford it, why don’t you go away for Christmas like your brother and sister? Might be fun and a nice change.

Sparkletastic · 25/09/2023 21:19

Your mum is probably knackered and a bit over it all. Time to make your own traditions and give your DCs Christmas is their own home. Step out of child mode and into adult mode.

paulinewalnuts · 25/09/2023 21:19

It sounds like after 30 odd years your mum has had her fill of hosting, which is completely fair enough, especially as she's had an extra 5 people living in her house.

I can completely see how this could be too much.

Why don't you invite the family for a meal at yours over the Xmas period?

Original poster
Kilminchy123 · 25/09/2023 21:19

@MiIaMae thank you it’s nice to have other view points rather than getting sensitive over it xx

OP posts:
EvilElsa · 25/09/2023 21:20

I actually think her excuse is totally reasonable.

Original poster
Kilminchy123 · 25/09/2023 21:21

@paulinewalnuts hi yes I have invited them and have invited them for both Xmas eve or Xmas day to just see if they wanted too no pressure, but they do prefer to stay at home perhaps with the 3 kids etc xx

OP posts:
Original poster
Kilminchy123 · 25/09/2023 21:22

@Sparkletastic thank you I think you are right I do enjoy my son seeing his family and his little cousins so probably selfishly didn’t want him not seeing family at a special time of the year xx

OP posts:
EvilElsa · 25/09/2023 21:22

Start making your own plans. Can you book onto a Christmas lights trail, have a special Eve meal or plan a movie evening with snacks?

Original poster
Kilminchy123 · 25/09/2023 21:24

@EvilElsa thank you for the suggestions I definitely will be making plans and we did enjoy lots of activities with my son last year, I only attended my mothers for an hour or so Xmas eve and the same Xmas day I wouldn’t stay all day etc as it’s important for my son to be at home too, it was just to see his family at Xmas and for me to see my other siblings that I would only see at Xmas but they won’t be there either so I don’t feel We are missing too much xx

OP posts:
Medlady · 25/09/2023 21:28

Maybe you could all book into a Christmas Lights trail? Then you could have hot chocolate and hand over presents and chat and the kids will enjoy it but no-one’s home would be invaded?

Thighdentitycrisis · 25/09/2023 21:34

I’m in my late 50’s and would dearly love my adult DC to invite me over. So sick of Christmas and there aren’t even any GC yet

Original poster
Kilminchy123 · 25/09/2023 21:38

@Thighdentitycrisis Awh I suppose I am very ignorant to how hard it is to host hence why it’s great to get other opinions instead of getting sensitive over something that might not be personal. I do think adult children should take over aspects of hosting for the parents and I have offered to do this or cook the dinner from my mothers if that made things easier as she enjoys being home, but she declines but hopefully your kids can help you out a bit this year xx

OP posts:
Original poster
Kilminchy123 · 25/09/2023 21:39

@Medlady thank you exactly I will try suggest my house again also on a non-significant day around Xmas or like you say a trip out to take weight off xx

OP posts:
goldlamps · 25/09/2023 21:41

I can see your mum’s point but I can also see yours OP.

Original poster
Kilminchy123 · 25/09/2023 21:43

@goldlamps i was put out and upset (pregnancy hormones don’t help) but it’s great to see others views that I wouldn’t have thought of xx

OP posts:
Seeleyboo · 25/09/2023 21:45

I did this to my family and kids last year. I decided I didn't want to entertain and feed 13 people. It's stressful. Massively expensive. Tiring. Hot and frustrating. Give your mum a break and learn to do your own xmas. I usually do xmas eve. Xmas day. Boxing day. Until you've done it, OP, you have not an inclination of what it takes to pull it off.