Uninvited from Christmas Eve

[Kilminchy123]

Hey guys,

I am 29 and live my partner and DS (20 months) and currently 18 weeks pregnant .
I am very close to my mother and sister whom lives with my mother and her 3 DC and partner (I visit them 3-4 times weekly) while renovating their home to move into.
Every Christmas of my life I have been in my mothers home as well as my other siblings. My other sister and brother are away for Christmas this year, and my mother informed me that herself and my sister and the kids are going to ‘relax’ Christmas Eve and don’t want any hustle and bustle. They said other extended family won’t be coming this year. I agreed and said yes we will just come in the morning as we will be busy preparing for Xmas morning for my son (we live 30 minutes from my mothers) - she then informed me this extended to me and my family also and we are not invited Xmas Eve and could come the day before Xmas Eve instead. I was very taken back by this as Christmas Eve is the only day my partner visits my family due to work, and in 29 years I have never NOT been with my mother and siblings for Xmas Eve.

I generally visit for an hour or two Xmas day also, but am reconsidering as I feel very unwanted. AIBU? Even before I had my DS and when I lived with my partner I used to sleep over in my mothers on Xmas Eve so I find this very unfair to be excluded and feel my sisters family are favoured just because they live there.

Does your mum have a problem with your DP?

@Seeleyboo i can’t understand how difficult it must be I definitely can agree with that. I suppose I was put out as I was just visiting with my partner and son in the morning to just allow my partner to exchange presents etc, it wasn’t an all day visit same as Xmas day as we don’t actually have dinner there. I just drive over to see my family. But perhaps she is just sick of all the people in her house lol xx

@MBappse not that I’ve ever been aware of no, they actually get on very well to be fair. We only go over for an hour for him to exchange a present and say hello to the kids and then I go Xmas day for an hour or two before returning home for dinner. Maybe the kids in general are getting on top of her xx

@Kilminchy123 I would completely call them on it. Make absolutely zero effort with them over the Christmas period. I wouldn't call them but would answer if they do. You will be heavily pregnant and shouldn't be worrying about them. I do think it is favouring one sibling and one set of grandkids. I find this with my own parents at times as my brother lives far away and my sister at their house. I'm frequently forgotten/ left out when my brother visits and made to feel like a burden

@Kilminchy123 ask your mother if she would be doing this if your DSis and family were not staying? Because that situation is temporary. One day she may have the prospect of spending Christmas alone

Sounds like she's got enough on her plate with your sisters family moving in. Cut her some slack. Mum's aren't super human. Spend some time with your partner. Do you remember that really shit christmas with covid tiers and bubbles? Well it made a lot of people realise they don't have to do Christmas the same way every year.

I did think this tbh

@roro87 this was my initial thought process, perhaps there is always a sense of favouritism for my sister and I just felt a little bit bad for my son as like I have said on other responses, we only go over to visit for a hour or two, we don’t even eat lol and I provided all the food for Xmas eve last year in which I wasn’t even for. My sons other grandparents plead to see him all Christmas Day and to host us and they dote over him so we are going to prioritise that this year xx

Thanks a lot for all the responses guys it’s actually been so helpful as I’ve realised I actually need to grow up a bit myself, I just obviously adore my mam and spending time with her especially as she is getting older and my siblings and I do find comfort in that but going forward I’m going to just not visit around the Xmas time and avoid any stress on anyone xx

It's a tricky one but if this reaction is out of character for your mum (rather than if she has always been like this, and you're tired of it), then I wouldn't take it personally. I expect that having 5 extra people living with her, including 3 kids, has taken a bit of a toll on her that she might not want to admit to any of you. Maybe she really needs a slightly quieter Christmas Eve after several months of feeling like a constant Christmas-time overcrowded feeling! She probably didn't accept the offer for you to host because she doesn't want your sister to feel like things are changing the year that she moved in.

I'm sure when they have moved out and she's missing the family around, she will be back to normal next year or maybe be happy to go to yours for one of the days! For this year, take the opportunity to start a new tradition for your DC with Christmas Eve at yours and reassess next year once your sister has settled and your mum has her house back.

Is your 20mo hard work? When they say they want to chill it sounds like they don't want your toddler round. Are the other children older?

I would make other plans.

Don’t contact them again about Christmas Eve or Christmas Day.

Drop off your presents a few days earlier.

If they don’t bother with presents, you don’t bother either.

If they ask you to pick up presents, tell them to drop them off.

I’m with you OP

Am I only one who thinks its bit bizarre to have one child living in with you and literally banning another child who wants to take time out of their visit to go and see a parent? If the OP had no interest in visiting her mum at christmas she would be seen as a bad child whis abandoned her mother.

”Hosting” can be as easy or hard as you make it, she has a grown daughter in the house,can get pre prepped items in that only need some time in the oven and get her children to do washing up after or make it even easier,propose to meet up in her house go out for a meal together or order Dominos or something.

OP i see why you are hurt/disappointed and i think you are rightly so.

Sounds like your mum is overwhelmed with your family that have moved in with her.

Hope you’re feeling reconciled to a different, but no doubt nice, Christmas OP 🎄

Sounds like she is stressed and fed up of hosting & all of the kids. She's doesn't get a break from your sisters kids because they're living with her. She can't exactly ban them because they're living there too. I wouldn't take it personally at all. Just drop off gifts a few days before Christmas and leave her to rest. Maybe with your absence she may change her mind and reconsider for the following Christmas.

Since divorce, I have accepted that Christmas is just a day. Christmas eve is also just a day. Yes it is a special day for many people (also not for other people!). But it doesn't have to be that specific day as you can see and celebrate on other days.
I have also accepted that traditions cannot stay forever and can be changed.
I suggest you let it go and come up with a fun new thing for your family, maybe create a new tradition of your own? Maybe your DP will be delighted not to visit in laws?

I agree with the other posters saying it sounds like your mum just wants a bit of a break from hosting and a more relaxed Christmas this year. I can understand that. The not that did jump out to me though was her saying they were not having 'extended family' around this year, and that includes OP. I can completely see that being described as extended family, when surely as a daughter you are immediate family, is really quite hurtful indeed. I can understand why you are baffled OP, you are not extended family at all and it must feel unkind to be designated at such.

That being said, I agree it sounds like you should create your own traditions and fun times with your DS and move away from what has been done in the past. It's great that you've been able to take that on board.

Have a lovely Christmas!

I'm 53 and I'd be really hurt if my family changed Christmas traditions! That said, I'd still suck it up and do as requested. But I'd still be hurt...I'm very sentimental about Christmas.

Why not invite your DS and her three little ones for Sunday brunch on Christmas Eve morning to give your mum a few hours break. Or you could invite her too if you feel she would like to come. Then they can all be back home at your mum’s house in the afternoon to give the children time and space to enjoy whatever traditions your DM and DS have arranged for them.

Is your mother still assuming you are coming on the 25th?

I can see her thinking hosting both days is excessive and would like to have one chiller day - if you point out that you are going to your inlaws on the 25th so by univiting you to the 24th she's not going to see you or your son on either day she may feel differently (or invite them all to yours for boxing day)

I can definitely see both sides of this. It sounds like your mother is feeling overwhelmed with so many people in the house this year. I think she could have handled telling you better - lumping you in with "other extended family" seems tactless. You're more than extended family.

But, your feeling excluded is also very understandable. I think you need to start thinking of your own immediate family now and doing what feels nice and fun for your DS - 20 months is a great age! Start making your own traditions. If you can't make it to your mum's Christmas Day so that you can spend it with DS' other grandparents, then so be it. Not in a spiteful "you don't want me, I don't want you" way, but just as an acknowledgment that things don't always have to stay the same. Either visit your mum on the 23rd or on another day.

Oh wow ... I was typing my post and didn't see yours come in until after I had posted. Eerie how similar ours are!! Great minds and all that :D

I wonder what the lodgers are contributing either financially or with cooking, cleaning etc., that may be the source of the problem.

It's a bit if a shock when something like this happens, when your parents don't go along with what is expected. She's got a house full this year already. Perhaps you should have anticipated this. I find it odd though that you live 30 mins away and xmas eve is the only time your husband sees your mum in the whole year or have a mis understood.