Uninvited from Christmas Eve

[Kilminchy123]

Hey guys,

I am 29 and live my partner and DS (20 months) and currently 18 weeks pregnant .
I am very close to my mother and sister whom lives with my mother and her 3 DC and partner (I visit them 3-4 times weekly) while renovating their home to move into.
Every Christmas of my life I have been in my mothers home as well as my other siblings. My other sister and brother are away for Christmas this year, and my mother informed me that herself and my sister and the kids are going to ‘relax’ Christmas Eve and don’t want any hustle and bustle. They said other extended family won’t be coming this year. I agreed and said yes we will just come in the morning as we will be busy preparing for Xmas morning for my son (we live 30 minutes from my mothers) - she then informed me this extended to me and my family also and we are not invited Xmas Eve and could come the day before Xmas Eve instead. I was very taken back by this as Christmas Eve is the only day my partner visits my family due to work, and in 29 years I have never NOT been with my mother and siblings for Xmas Eve.

I generally visit for an hour or two Xmas day also, but am reconsidering as I feel very unwanted. AIBU? Even before I had my DS and when I lived with my partner I used to sleep over in my mothers on Xmas Eve so I find this very unfair to be excluded and feel my sisters family are favoured just because they live there.

I would be upset. Your dm has more grandchildren than the ones who live with her, who see her all the time. I would make my own plans and then stick to those each year every year. I wouldn’t visit Christmas Eve now, I would make my own traditions .

Op we can’t tell from a post how she was when she told you and what your history is. Personally I can’t imagine any circumstances in which I would have one of my adult children and three kids and not the other one with a baby for even an hour - especially not if that person has offered to bring food and help. If I were the included child I would be horrified and also keen to help out so that my sibling would be there.

I would review the whole relationship and then make other plans where you are wanted.

Not sure why this thread has been resurrected. It was all sorted in September and OP seemed very reasonable when other perspectives were pointed out.

I don’t blame you for being hurt. The fact that you go round 3/4 times a week suggests you are normally close. Being lumped as ‘extended family’ would upset me too.

@Kilminchy123Hold on a minute. Your mum has asked for a break for one year, and you’ve decided that from now on, you won’t be visiting around Xmas anymore? Seriously?

I think I’m seeing why your mum wants a break from you coming over. If your reaction to one request not to visit is to throw your toys out the pram and declare that you won’t bother with her at Xmas time going forward, then you sound like a pain in the ass/centre of attention type of person. A lot of hard work.

She has a family living with her, which mean she literally will never get a break. You can cry all you want that she is putting them above you but she isn’t. She is giving them the help they need at this period of time. But it does mean she has an increased workload and no peace and quiet for however long the renovations take. She doesn’t want guests in the house on Xmas eve, even if it is just a couple of hours mid morning. It’s too much for her right now and she wants the kids staying with her to have a calm day.

When your sister moves back out, your mum will have a lot less stress and a lot more peace and time for herself. She will then be more available. That’s life; we have to give and take. She needs you to be understanding right now, but instead, you’re going to have a tantrum and decide that you’ll no longer bother about her for Xmas time. That’s awful.

Oops! I expect it appeared under ‘similar threads’ and got mistaken for ‘trending’.

@Thedm I clearly said on here back in September that if it was causing her stress having all the kids over I would her a break for this year around the Xmas if it suited her better not out of stubbornness but out of insight from others on here that said maybe the burden of hosting might be too much on her. Not out of ‘throwing my toys out of the pram’ out of simply not wanting to cause her more stress as others pointed out hosting can be a lot. Thanks for your input 👍

I think you're not seeing from your mums pov, having two families and children is exhausting and expensive! I wouldn't take it personally she's probably just tired

Its hard getting older and feeling like its your kids turn to grow up and take some of the burden off you and i guess this is the stage your mums at.

Its also hard being the kid and realising you've never cooked a xmas dinner as you still expect your mum to do it all even though she hardly eats it...

Basically when life shifts about a bit it difficult all round.

Actually reading into it a bit more i kind of feel like its your sister who doesn't particularly want you and your family there, does she want xmas with your mum to be all about her and her kids??

Also @Kilminchy123 , if your ds's other grandparents 'plead' to see him on xmas day I'd definitely be making them a priority.

I agree with you OP

You are 29, and have your own family. It's time to start making your own family traditions, not keep grasp of your own childhood.

I'd have been hurt too OP but I'd hazard a guess that your sister's children are wearing her out!
Enjoy your Christmas doing whatever you want!

I’d be hurt too to be fair. Enjoy Christmas with your in laws and see how it goes when your sister moves out, your mum might refind her energy and think it’s not Christmas without seeing all her dgc (& gc but let’s face it, dgc are where it’s at). You could message your other siblings and say I’m a bit sad at not seeing you this Christmas, would you like to come around one day around Christmas? Slowly starting your new traditions. You never know, your mum might be a bit miffed at realising her children are capable of meeting up without her for Christmas.

Hey guys,

this thread was from September. I spoke with my younger sibling who will actually be around this year after having originally made other plans, and I said if he wanted to come for a visit or vice versa we could organise this. He informed me that he was actually invited to my mams for Christmas and when she informed him what she had said to me, he told her this wasn’t nice to thing say to another sibling and he was very shocked.

me and my mam had a chat about it afterwards and I explained knowing that my younger brother was also invited but my family wasn’t did hurt my feelings. She said because he lives further away this was the case. She did apologise and admitted that my sister didn’t want to clean up Xmas eve so she wanted to adjust to this also. We resolved it and I’m going to call the day before Xmas eve to exchange presents and for the kids to all see each other.

thanks for all perspectives xx

I'd be hurt. It sort of sounds like she's saying your sister and her kids are her close family and you are the extended family.
My brother and my niece live with my DM so I absolutely know I'd be hurt if my kids and I were unwelcome while they were all chilling together as a family! At Christmas!
I'd be spending Christmas with the other grandparents who are looking forward to seeing you all.
Give her a chance to miss you.

It's Christmas Eve. That's their home. They want a quiet one before the hassle and bustle. They want to sort stockings out and prepare for the day. My mum lived around the corner I don't think I ever spent Christmas eve with her as an adult. I spent that with my own children

I would be hurt that your sister and her kids are "family" but you and your child are "extended family".

If your DPs family are desperate to have the grandkids over for Christmas I'd be prioritising them this year.