Mum wants to kick me and DD out cos of “mess” & money

[Newmama2222]

Really not sure what to make of all this and would appreciate thoughts..

Split with abusive DD’s dad in Jan, unfortunately our rental has had all sorts of issues incl. a drainage problem caused by the builders next door - raw sewage coming up through the sinks etc. Took my 1 y/o DD with me to my mums to stay until it’s all fixed but landlord explained it’s taking longer than we anticipated due to the extent of the issue.

Since staying with my mum I am shocked by how anxious my mum has become and also am quite offended by how much she seems to want us gone. My dad died a few years ago and I think he kept her in check. She complained to me a few months ago about being alone but whenever we go to see her she seems annoyed. Worried about how she lives, doesn’t seem like she’s living any sort of life at all. She sits in the dark (doesn’t like turning lights on to keep bills down) - I walked into the bathroom the other day and she was applying face cream in the pitch black, refuses to do laundry or let me do any unless it’s once a week on a 15 min 30 degree wash, so am constantly having to put dirty clothes back on DD as I’m not allowed to clean anything even when I offer to pay, she also HATES mess to an unhealthy degree- she can’t stand when my DD drops food or drink on the floor when eating, or any mess for that matter (always clean up after her but obv it’s an ongoing thing!), she started shouting at DD the other day for dropping her cup, I almost lost it at her, she’s only 1!!
Mum hardly leaves the house, when I leave DD with her to pop out she won’t make her new food probably as she doesn’t want to risk wasting it, so gives her corners of her lunch rather than proper meals. Basically says no to any thing that might cost money even if it’s at the detriment of her health and well-being. My mum is retired but she’s not poor, she has savings she’s just always worried about the “what ifs”, is a super negative person and she just seems to take everything to the extreme. can’t even get her to come for a walk with us as she doesn’t seem bothered to do anything but sit inside on her laptop.

said to her the other day I’m worried - been here a month and can’t get her to do anything as a family for fear of it costing money and she lost her s* at me. She is counting the days til we leave and keeps telling me she can’t wait for us to go. I’m starting to get quite annoyed as when I try to help she’s just plain rude and we wouldn’t stay here if it wasn’t an emergency!

AIBU to be annoyed? How do I get her to see that this isn’t any way to live? Totally get saving money but there is a balance? Is there any hope here!???

She's grieving. No more, no less.

I get the impression that you think it's unreasonable for your mother to load the dishwasher a certain way. Why shouldn't she?
And OP - a month is a very long time for someone - especially someone with possible OCD - to endure having a messy, noisy baby in their house.
You've even put "MESS" in inverted commas in your thread title.
Your version of mess is not your mother's.
And it's her house.

This. If this was my mum I'd be worried about her.

When you are used to living on your own, having someone ( no matter how much you love them) to stay is awful. Phone the estate agent every single day.

My husband has been dead for five years - that would in no way have an impact on my housing my child and grandchild in a time of need. Some people are just miserable despite their marital status, not because of it.

Could you get an Airbnb and get LL or agent to pay for it? The situation with your mum isn’t going to get better, you’ll both just get on each others nerves even more so I’d be looking to leave sooner rather than later.

Get legal advice however, it is the land lords responsibility to house you in alternative accommodation for the duration of the works. You pay rent, they house you. You wouldn't be getting your rent money back, that would be put towards the suitable accommodation they put you up in.

Find another place to live. Honestly your mum sounds a bit weird but also reasonable. You sound a bit weird but also reasonable.

I mean does it really matter if she was sitting in the dark putting cream on. I assume she knows where her face is. Ok she has a thing with laundry. Is there something stopping you from washing your clothes somewhere else? How much food does a 1 yo eat. Seems smart to just split one meal to me. Follow up on the refund. Find another place. She may make noise about unnecessary spending but tell her it’s for the best and you’ve overstayed due to the delays. Your relationship will be much less damaged by that then continued living together.

The stuff about your dad is really outside the current living arrangement. Yes you can be mad at her for throwing out his work , but do you think being in a fit of rage might also be grief?

ETA;Sorry about your dad and the upheaval of the living situation.

I agree (as domineering who is also staying with parents wit lh a baby)

@Zebedee55 the dad / husband died a few years ago , this is not normal behaviour. @Newmama2222 you need to move out for your own sanity , would the council be able to help as you are essentially homeless .

This got back to the landlord / they currently have no incentive to get things fixed

She’s clearly not well abs YANBU but to answer your question, there’s nothing you can do to change her attitude. I would stay out as much as possible, use a laundrette and try to leave asap.

Hmm, I expected to say it's a lot having someone in your space and to cut her some slack.

And while this stands, I would be worried by her behaviour. Not leaving the house is not a good sign. You might be driving her mad but I'd have thought a walk or a trip out to a cafe would be okay for most people.

Do you know if she was doing more before? I.e is she just making the most of having peace in her own home or is it that she hasn't been doing this at all but it is only now you are staying it has become apparent.

Have you tried saying 'I'll treat you to lunch ' to remove the financial element and then see what she says?

The current set up isn't ideal for anyone but it sounds like there is more at play here though it may be easier to support her once the living situation is resolved.

Your mum’s reactions will only get worse. I say this as someone who has a highly controlling mother who is the extreme of this when we visit for short periods of time. It’s anxiety-inducing as we know a fit of rage is just around the corner despite doing everything we can to keep things tidy and staying out of the house as much as possible. If were not my father and other siblings, I’d never step foot in that house again.

It’s her house & she’s dealing with losing her DH. You sound entitled & need to move out asap. Leave your mum to live her life as she chooses.

Sounds like your mum has mental health issues. Unfortunately you staying with her is just making it worse. I think you need to get out by whatever means you can. I don't think you'll be able to help your mum while you're still living there, you need some distance between you.

I wonder if your mother isn't undergoing some mental health crisis of her own and cannot cope with having people around her.

See if you have a Time To Talk service in your area and if you could convince her to go.

It's not unusual for old people to worry excessively about money (and not having enough of it). The Cost of Living Crisis certainly hasn't helped and has brought out horrible insecurities for those close to the brink.

My mummwas like this. Lived so frugally. Sat in the dark with curtains open so only light was the street lights. Only bought value food. Never had the heating onnand slept in her coat.

I was always suggesting ways she could improve her quality of life but it all went on deaf ears. She was saving up in case she needed care one day. She died in May and I now her 200k savings belong to me and my sibling. It's so heartbreaking. I can't bring myself to spend any of it.

I would gently try to reason with her, but I gave up in the end. My mum.didnt want to know and I didn't want to make myself ill arguing. I was quite hard strapped for money before. But honestly I didn't need this amount of cash and I just wish she had used it to have a quality of life.

Give your mum a break. And make a serious effort to be out of her house this week. Yes she sounds like she needs help but your being there isn’t helping. You need to give her some money towards your expenses over the past month too - even if she refuses. Leave the money on her bed with a thank you card when you go. Someone who is applying face cream in the dark is probably not as well off as you think and your visit is causing financial hardship as well as messing with her rigid routine (which is dictated by her anxiety and which she probably can’t change). None of this was your intention, but maybe just take stock of the reality and make another plan.

This ^
I am a landlord. I would expect to house my tenant family elsewhere at my expense if we encountered this kind of issue.

Keep on st your LL. He that shouts loudest, gets!

@Hadjab

I am sorry to hear that you too lost your husband. I was trying to explain to the OP that widowhood can have a huge emotional impact on someone. It can change someone's personality and that perhaps her mother was suffering as a result of bereavement. I think that's a fair comment. After all, there are three people in this situation and I don't see why the mother's feelings should be disregarded. Besides, I don't understand your point as the mother did step up and offer them accommodation at their time of need. I would not turn my child and grandchild away either but I do know I am not the same person I was before my husband died.

Contact shelter.
I think the LL has a duty to rehouse you or pay for accommodation whilst yours is renovated.. That will soon motivate him to get on with it
Meanwhile put you and DD on the housing list.. You'll have to wait years probably, but anyone can register

https://england.shelter.org.uk/housing_advice/repairs/moving_out_during_repairs

I would go and get some advice from Shelter or similar because you're in a very vulnerable position - your LL has three months of your money, he's clearly not going to refund you and I really wouldn't be surprised if the house remains uninhabitable for a long time. If he's using your rent in hand to fund the repairs (which is more common than you think) you might end up with nothing.

Go and check your rights.

I think your DM sounds depressed and anxious and that she needs some help with her mental health. However, I don't think she'll be in a position to receive that message while you and DD are with her. It's all too much for her and she just won't 'hear' you, I'm afraid.

It's too much for your mum.

She may have invited you thinking you'd refuse and it backfired or perhaps she said it rashly and didn't foresee the reality of you and an infant in her home.

That's the crux of it, it's her home.

You need to find somewhere else asap before the strained relationship ends altogether.