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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mum wants to kick me and DD out cos of “mess” & money

52 replies

Newmama2222 · 25/09/2023 16:21

Really not sure what to make of all this and would appreciate thoughts..

Split with abusive DD’s dad in Jan, unfortunately our rental has had all sorts of issues incl. a drainage problem caused by the builders next door - raw sewage coming up through the sinks etc. Took my 1 y/o DD with me to my mums to stay until it’s all fixed but landlord explained it’s taking longer than we anticipated due to the extent of the issue.

Since staying with my mum I am shocked by how anxious my mum has become and also am quite offended by how much she seems to want us gone. My dad died a few years ago and I think he kept her in check. She complained to me a few months ago about being alone but whenever we go to see her she seems annoyed. Worried about how she lives, doesn’t seem like she’s living any sort of life at all. She sits in the dark (doesn’t like turning lights on to keep bills down) - I walked into the bathroom the other day and she was applying face cream in the pitch black, refuses to do laundry or let me do any unless it’s once a week on a 15 min 30 degree wash, so am constantly having to put dirty clothes back on DD as I’m not allowed to clean anything even when I offer to pay, she also HATES mess to an unhealthy degree- she can’t stand when my DD drops food or drink on the floor when eating, or any mess for that matter (always clean up after her but obv it’s an ongoing thing!), she started shouting at DD the other day for dropping her cup, I almost lost it at her, she’s only 1!!
Mum hardly leaves the house, when I leave DD with her to pop out she won’t make her new food probably as she doesn’t want to risk wasting it, so gives her corners of her lunch rather than proper meals. Basically says no to any thing that might cost money even if it’s at the detriment of her health and well-being. My mum is retired but she’s not poor, she has savings she’s just always worried about the “what ifs”, is a super negative person and she just seems to take everything to the extreme. can’t even get her to come for a walk with us as she doesn’t seem bothered to do anything but sit inside on her laptop.

said to her the other day I’m worried - been here a month and can’t get her to do anything as a family for fear of it costing money and she lost her s* at me. She is counting the days til we leave and keeps telling me she can’t wait for us to go. I’m starting to get quite annoyed as when I try to help she’s just plain rude and we wouldn’t stay here if it wasn’t an emergency!

AIBU to be annoyed? How do I get her to see that this isn’t any way to live? Totally get saving money but there is a balance? Is there any hope here!???

OP posts:
TheShellBeach · 25/09/2023 16:25

I expect the noise and mess made by your baby is bothering her more than the cost.
Some people just can't cope with it.
It's a shame because she's your mum, but she obviously has a problem with mess and noise.
You're probably more used to it than she is.

everythingcrossed · 25/09/2023 16:26

Does your LL not have a responsibility to house you while repairs are carried out? That's quite a standard clause in most contracts.

Sirzy · 25/09/2023 16:26

Your landlord needs to help sort suitable accommodation while the work is being done.

Heronwatcher · 25/09/2023 16:28

You are not being U in that it sounds as though she has some issues with money and personal space. But I suspect having you and your DD there isn’t helping. I think I would try to move out and help from that position- like going round regularly- but IME it’s very difficult to change the elderly one they’re in that mindset. Is it really impossible to live in your flat- have the drains been rodded? Isn’t your LL meant to re- house you on a temporary basis, or offer some compensation if it’s uninhabitable?

Wishitsnows · 25/09/2023 16:30

Your landlord should be funding somewhere for you to live while repairs are completed

Redwinestillfine · 25/09/2023 16:31

If staying elsewhere isn't an option I would: go to the launderettes once a week for you and DD so you can have clean clothes and it's not costing your Mum 2) Have your own separate food cupboard so you don't need to use hers, 3) Offer a set amount towards her electricity bill to cover heating said food, baths etc and 4) Try and take DD out as much as you can I. The day time. It sounds shit op. Sorry you are going through this. There probably is something up but concentrate on you first and once you've got your own place back worry about your Mum.

Gnomegnomegnome · 25/09/2023 16:36

Are you contributing evenly towards the bills?

Do you think that she’s depressed?

Lizzieregina · 25/09/2023 16:41

She sounds like she’s suffering from depression and/or anxiety to me.

She might benefit from a visit to her GP and possibly some medication.

youcandanceifyouwanna · 25/09/2023 16:44

Are you sure she is financially secure? Is it possible she had been scammed but is too ashamed to admit it?

MrsMoastyToasty · 25/09/2023 16:45

Your landlord should be covered by his insurance to rehouse you in the event you can't live in the property.
Phone Environmental Health at your local council and the waste water company about the sewage issue.

Desecratedcoconut · 25/09/2023 16:46

How rude are you? You are there in her house, making a mess, which she hates, and you think the problem is that your Dad isn't around to keep her in check?

Pandora55 · 25/09/2023 16:47

Your poor mum is very clearly mentally unwell op

Allofthisisasimulation · 25/09/2023 16:49

YANBU in that your mum's behaviour does sound a little concerning.
YABU in that your expect your mum to just let you and DD live there.
Your landlord is BU not finding you somewhere to live in the meantime.

Caroparo52 · 25/09/2023 16:50

Your landlord should be claiming on his insurance for his loss of earnings whilst you are not there... therefore he should be funding you alternative accommodation. I'm a landlord and this is quite standard. By not gindong you somewhere to stay he could be pocketing the money. You need to strongly speak with him about this insisting that he find you alternative accommodation

GalileoHumpkins · 25/09/2023 16:51

She sounds to be in a bad place with her mental health, can you encourage her to see the GP?

EmmaEmerald · 25/09/2023 16:53

Desecratedcoconut · 25/09/2023 16:46

How rude are you? You are there in her house, making a mess, which she hates, and you think the problem is that your Dad isn't around to keep her in check?

This
i can't believe it's not massively skewed to YABU.

she may already have tendencies to depression and anxiety and now she's suddenly got to deal with you and your DC living in. Regardless of money, that must be driving her mad.

isn't your landlord legally obliged to house you?

EvilElsa · 25/09/2023 16:58

She sounds a bit like me OP. I suffer from OCD (diagnosed), anxiety and depression. When I'm at my worst I really struggle with anything messy or out of the norm. I also struggle to leave the house and avoid contact with people. It's fucking awful. Luckily I'm doing OK at the moment. I'd be at the stage where I'd be manically scrubbing at a small mark on a skirting board in tears.
I really hope you can find some alternative accommodation soon, must be tough for you all. Best of luck.

ShagratandGorbag4ever · 25/09/2023 16:58

Did your mum invite you to come and stay or did you just turn up?

ginasevern · 25/09/2023 16:58

Firstly OP, it is her house and her rules. As it is only temporary you are going to have to suck it up. Your Mum didn't create this situation and not everyone is delighted to share their home with a one year old. I would consider myself lucky to still have a Mum to fall back on. Secondly, why isn't your landlord providing temporary accommodation? Thirdly, what exactly to you mean when you say your Dad "kept her in check"? And finally, have you any idea of the life sucking, soul destroying impact of widowhood? I'm 8 years in and I still cry most mornings when I wake up and remember that my soul mate with whom I spent nearly half my life is gone forever.

209448spp · 25/09/2023 16:59

Saying those words to you would be hard to come back from,
I would try and find somewhere else to live personally, it is her house unfortunately and this won’t get any better as she doesn’t want to change.
When you can go home put some healthy distance in between you both.

ImNotReallySpartacus · 25/09/2023 17:04

One-year-olds may be very endearing but they are rarely the perfect guest. And a month is a very long time for a house guest. I think your mum is a candidate for sainthood.

BMW6 · 25/09/2023 17:05

YABU because at the end of the day you are in HER house and she doesn't like it.

Whether her objections are reasonable or not is neither here nor there - it's her home.

I suspect your Mum is having some MH deterioration though, possibly related to the death of your Dad.

You should respect Mum's wishes and move out.

Original poster
Newmama2222 · 25/09/2023 17:07

Thanks for the replies all. So my LL said via the estate agent that he would refund the rent paid for however long the property isn’t habitable. Annoyingly paid 3 months in advance as was starting a new job so he wanted assurance and I had the savings at the time. Nothing has been refunded yet but assuming he’s not responsible for putting us up somewhere and refunding the rent for the period? Issue is the pipes are so damaged from the builders next door pouring compound mixture down the drains that the whole garden needs to be dug up and re piped. They’ve done the rodding already and it didn’t help. So basically I can’t afford to pay for temp accommodation unless they refund me now and the estate agent hasn’t yet. Contract says if the property is inhabitable for over a month the contract can be terminated. If anyone knows anything about this pls let me know as not sure if they’re taking the piss at this point!

my mum actually did ask us to come stay (again as she didn’t like the idea of more money being spent) but I think she preferred the idea of it than the reality.

I have offered her money but I think it’s more than that as it seems anxiety/ control induced. She doesn’t like when things don’t go her way either so think us being here and the routine being off is throwing her too.

it’s sad as I keep thinking us staying with her could be nice - keeping her company etc and I don’t leave the house a mess, I tidy up after us, but she likes it done “her way”. Even loading the dishwasher she has an issue with as it’s not done how she likes it. I genuinely think if I mopped the floors she’d go over it when I went out or something. Just quite odd behaviour.

yes I get I may sound unappreciative but I wouldn’t blink an eye at her or any of my family in need coming to stay and doing washes if they needed to. It’s just a really uncomfortable situation

OP posts:
Original poster
Newmama2222 · 25/09/2023 17:11

Re my dads death. He was very chilled out and kind and I do recall him getting angry with her a lot for being stingy - eg not giving Xmas gifts to family friends unless they did the year before. My mum has always been very controlling and a bit odd.

And no, she isn’t a saint. When my dad died she chucked away his entire body of work in a fit of rage. He was a photographer and shot on film. So no negatives or prints are left. She also tried to lie and conceal it for months until she had to own up. That’s caused a huge rift in our family and some issues between me and her too. Despite that she wants everyone to forget it and pretend like it never happened.

you’re right though - probably shouldn’t stay much longer if possible as it’ll only get worse!

OP posts:
Zebedee55 · 25/09/2023 17:17

Your mum has lost her husband, which I know, from recent experience, is horrendous.

Now you and your daughter have landed on her, complete with the chaos a one year old brings.

Sort out your accommodation with your landlord, leave your mum to grieve, without your stress, and life will return to normal

Let her get in control after losing your Dad.😗