To warn my friend about this woman (potential Wendy)?

[Worried492]

OK wise ones, I'm in need of advice around this former friend.

Sooo . . . just before covid, a friend of mine of 18 years 'A', who I considered a very close friend cut contact with me suddenly. Totally ghosted me. I won't go into great detail but there had been a lot of changes in our lives that may have triggered it. I tried to reach out to her but she completely ignored me. I accepted our friendship was over, and moved on.

I'm good friends with 'B' who I met before A cut me off, but due to me and B having a lot more in common in last few years, we have become close.

Me, A and B live in a medium sized town up north, and we all belong to a fb group for the women in our town. (I'm deiberately being vague as I know a lot of the women are on MN). This fb group is a large one, and there are several subgroups created from this group. For example there is a group where those who like movies can discuss films and organise their own movie outings. That sort of thing. B is very outgoing, and belongs to several of these groups as she loves meeting people. Me and A aren't really into these subgroups.

Now, B has started up a subgroup specific to a particular hobby that me, her and several others I know from the main group enjoy. (She suggested starting up a group and I encouraged her and joined the group). It is a very specific hobby, and about 10 others have joined. Then I checked today and A has joined the group.

A, as far as I know, hasn't shown any interest in this hobby (though she may have started to in the last few years, who knows?) and I really don't want her joining this group. The other women in this group are a couple of friends and a few acquaintances of mine. I'm really worried she is going to come into the group and make things very uncomfortable for me, or possibly 'wendy' me. She is incredibly charming, and I can see B and the others falling under her 'spell' so to speak.

The big question is, do I say anything to B about mine and A's history? I have never spoken to her about A at all. B knows nothing that me and A were friends, or that she ghosted me. I've also never discussed it with any of mine and A's mutual friends. Obviously, I have no idea at all if A has discussed it with anyone.

I'm really worried as I'm not going to make the first 2 meet ups for this group as I'll be away, have visions of A suddenly swooping in and becoming best mates with all the women I know etc etc (I know very overdramatic).

Soooo . . the million dollar question . . . should I mention anything to B about mine and A's history and her ghosting of me?? or just leave it ???

I think I would just give B a quick heads up that you used to be friends with A, just in case she notices any awkwardness. You can't expect B to exclude A though. If you don't want to come into contact with A then you need to leave the group. This is assuming that A didn't wrong you in some terrible way.

If you're truly worried that B will become good friends with A and eventually exclude you then she is no friend. No decent person would cut a good friend off like that, no matter how charming the other person may be.

I would mention it to B that you used to be friends with A and then she ghosted you. But don’t get into lots of detail and don’t suggest B should take sides. Present it as letting her know to avoid potential awkward situations in future.

After that, just do your own thing and let her do hers. If B is a good friend, you won’t lose her.

Once upon a time I would have said say nothing, but with bitter experience of someone like this I would say, yes, tell friend B. If you think friend A is likely to push you out, you have to say something. You don’t want her to end up “charming” your friends away with distorted stories about you. Ultimately you won’t be able to get friend A out of the group, but at least you will know you have done all you can do to safeguard your friendships.

Give B a heads up, but what is a Wendy?

Tell B. But another one wondering what a Wendy is. I hope it's not another insult like Karen?

I thought a Wendy was a coward?

Yes, I’d say something.

if I were you I’d also be more open and matter of fact that A and you were close and now you’re not and that’s her choice.

a similar thing happened in to me years ago. I had a very close friend (M) who ghosted me suddenly the year we left university. As you say a time of a lot of change. I was very hurt but came to terms with it.

years later I remain very much in our much wider circle of university friends. It’s fine as I was always honest about it, without asking friends to get involved or take sides.

I still sometimes get asked ‘but aren’t you and M really close’? As they remember we were as students. I just say no, she backed off years ago, no I don’t know why.

If they press further I say again that I don’t know her reasons, it hurt but I’ve come to terms, if they want to know they should ask her.

i get the impression M thought I’d be pushed out of the group.

never saying anything is covering up for her. You can share the facts of it without drawing people in and then they can decide.

Yes speak to B and tell her you’re a bit concerned because A has form.

Well, if like me you used to frequent a different parenting forum back in the day, it was someone who was evangelical about breast-feeding! 😂

Someone doing (sort of) as described, who's invited into a group and then supplants the person who brought them in.

Although in this case there's been no invite so it's only sort of a Wendy.

I have no idea btw why it's Wendy, I've just seen it come up before

"I have no idea btw why it's Wendy, I've just seen it come up before"
As far as I can remember ,it came from a thread on here many years ago where a poster gave the people in her post pseudonyms. Wendy was the name that she chose for the woman that pushed her out of her social group.

If B is a close mate I probably would mention your passed as in she ghosted you and you've no idea why. It's more likely she didn't view it as ghosting and thinks, oh look, C is part of this new group. Yeah we used to knock about a few years back.
Don't tell B hoping/expecting she'll do something though. Would it be so bad if she did befriend some of your friends? Do you dislike her?

A Wendy (friendy Wendy) is a sort of friend/acquaintance who uses you specifically for your social contacts. They're usually new to your area/school/work etc. Once you've introduced them and accepted them into your fold they dump you and move on to more exciting characters and often you find your own close friends getting closer to them until you feel like the outsider.

It is!! 🙄

I would definitely say something but it doesn't have to be a big deal. I'd probably go with something like, "I see that A is in that group for our hobby. It was quite odd for me to see her there - we were really close for years but for some reason she cut me off a few years ago. Hopefully it won't be awkward if she's at an event."

the problem you have in a situation like this of course, is that inevitably, if someone cuts someone else off, the assumption is that the person who was cut is also the person who did something wrong. So I sympathise with your concern.

Thanks everyone. i think I will say something to B - but she is currently away, and she won't get back til after I've gone away myself, and the first meetup is when I'm away (A and B are going). I'll have to wait til after then, I'd rather talk to B in person about it rather than message/phone. Will keep you all updated.

@Cloudburstings Yeah I'm in a similar situation as it sounds like you are with former friend. None of our mutual friends asked me directly, but I remember being at a friends house about a year after the ghosting, and they asked if I had seen A, and looked really surprised when I said i hadn't. I just said 'oh we've all just been so busy lately' to which they nodded and said they hadn't seen A in ages either (so maybe just not me being ghosted hmm . . .) couple of times since other friends have mentioned they went to their house or been to a gig with A and her DH to which I've just nodded and said 'oh cool.'

Was just thinking, the only mutual friend who I believe A has bitched about me to (they blocked me on everything right after the ghosting) is A's Uni boyfriend (he and A married other people and we all remained friends) . . . who, when they were together, A happily cheated on with my uni flatmate . . . Uni boyfriend never found out about cheating (Flatmate still a great friend of his to this day) and he still thinks the sun shines out of A's arse . . . . . despite being married to someone else . . . hmm).

It is and I've reported it.

All this Wendy talk is bollocks IMO. Sometimes people enter friendship groups and sometimes they have a better connection with the people in them. That’s life, we’re all different.

You say that this woman ghosted you, and you also say that she had good reasons to do so at the time.

It sounds more like you’re afraid that she’ll tell people what you’re like and what you did to make her ghost you, so you want to get in there first and paint her as the villain/one to watch out for, in case people find out what you did to this woman.

Honestly, who has time for all these teenage shenanigans? You’re understandably hurt you lost a formerly good friend, but I don’t see why you imagine A is plotting against you. All she has done is click her mouse and joined a group on a forum, just like you did. You don’t think she’s interested in the hobby in question, but as you’ve had no contact with her for years, it’s possible she does now, as you say yourself. Yes, it’s awkward meeting former friends socially, but inevitable. You can’t prevent her joining someone else’s hobby group.

Oh gosh sorry meant to say a 'Wendy' is someone who befriends a nice person, weasels their way into nice person's social group then turns everyone else in the group against nice person who introduced them.
As someone pointed out, this is less a wendying situation, more I think former friend cuckoo-ing my hobby group.

It really isn't - it's a Mumsnet-specific term that comes from a thread as explained above; it's referencing a character from that thread, not making generalisations about everyone called Wendy. It's used as a verb ie to be Wendied. The name Wendy isn't slung around as an insult like Karen is.

Seriously grow up.

Cuckooing a friendship group? Turning friends against people? No wonder so many women steer clear of female only friendship groups. Most of them belong in the playground and the women in them have never progressed past the age of twelve in maturity levels.

This sounds like you think A has a vendetta against you. Really? After all this time?

I always assumed the term Wendy came from Peter Pan - Wendy steals Peter from Tinkerbell 😂

I think this is just the approach to friendships characteristic of a small but significant proportion of Mn who are simply bad at making and negotiating friendships — I don’t think that seeing ‘Wendying’ or ‘cuckooing” everywhere, or ‘cliques’ in the playground, are things that happen much in the general population. ‘Wendying’ in particular is deeply Mn — it’s pathologising an entirely normal aspect of the shifts in friendship groups over time, and making this someone else’s malice, rather than the awkward fact that new people join groups and people sometimes prefer them.