To warn my friend about this woman (potential Wendy)?

[Worried492]

OK wise ones, I'm in need of advice around this former friend.

Sooo . . . just before covid, a friend of mine of 18 years 'A', who I considered a very close friend cut contact with me suddenly. Totally ghosted me. I won't go into great detail but there had been a lot of changes in our lives that may have triggered it. I tried to reach out to her but she completely ignored me. I accepted our friendship was over, and moved on.

I'm good friends with 'B' who I met before A cut me off, but due to me and B having a lot more in common in last few years, we have become close.

Me, A and B live in a medium sized town up north, and we all belong to a fb group for the women in our town. (I'm deiberately being vague as I know a lot of the women are on MN). This fb group is a large one, and there are several subgroups created from this group. For example there is a group where those who like movies can discuss films and organise their own movie outings. That sort of thing. B is very outgoing, and belongs to several of these groups as she loves meeting people. Me and A aren't really into these subgroups.

Now, B has started up a subgroup specific to a particular hobby that me, her and several others I know from the main group enjoy. (She suggested starting up a group and I encouraged her and joined the group). It is a very specific hobby, and about 10 others have joined. Then I checked today and A has joined the group.

A, as far as I know, hasn't shown any interest in this hobby (though she may have started to in the last few years, who knows?) and I really don't want her joining this group. The other women in this group are a couple of friends and a few acquaintances of mine. I'm really worried she is going to come into the group and make things very uncomfortable for me, or possibly 'wendy' me. She is incredibly charming, and I can see B and the others falling under her 'spell' so to speak.

The big question is, do I say anything to B about mine and A's history? I have never spoken to her about A at all. B knows nothing that me and A were friends, or that she ghosted me. I've also never discussed it with any of mine and A's mutual friends. Obviously, I have no idea at all if A has discussed it with anyone.

I'm really worried as I'm not going to make the first 2 meet ups for this group as I'll be away, have visions of A suddenly swooping in and becoming best mates with all the women I know etc etc (I know very overdramatic).

Soooo . . the million dollar question . . . should I mention anything to B about mine and A's history and her ghosting of me?? or just leave it ???

@NoNeedToHurry I think that’s where the term originates.

I think that you should give the heads up that you know A but have drifted apart. You never know, maybe A has seen that you are in the group and wants to reconnect.

wendy comes from a Judy Blume book - Blubber- it’s a manipulative girl (it’s a kids book) who is class president and a bully.

It sounds more like the OP is afraid this woman will tell her friends what she’s really like.

OP said herself the friend apparently had a valid reason for ghosting her. Now she’s afraid it will come out. Hence why she wants to show this woman up as a Wendy/cuckoo/<insert bullshit term of choice>.

In the same way no-one can steal someone’s husband, no-one can steal someone’s friends. If the friends have more in common with the incoming friend that’s just life. It happens that way sometimes.

As for accusing someone of being a cuckoo, that’s just plain nasty and spiteful and shows the accuser up as really quite an unpleasant person.

But there is nothing at all to say she is likely to do any of those things. Why would you 'warn' anyone about anything?

I think you’re massively overthinking this. It’s a complete non issue. You said yourself she “ghosted” you after some big changes? This is not uncommon and perhaps she just wants to reconnect via this group? Or maybe she realised you’re the kind of person who thinks people join hobby groups to steal all their mates and couldn’t be arsed with that level of drama?

I think you’re making this into something it isn’t.

I'd keep it brief and say something like 'I've noticed A has joined the group. She is very odd. She sort of charms and befriends people and then ghosts them. Did it to me. No idea why'.

I'd say it before B becomes friends with her so it can't be seen as jealousy.

@BeenThereDoneThat101 OP said herself the friend apparently had a valid reason for ghosting her. Now she’s afraid it will come out. Hence why she wants to show this woman up as a Wendy/cuckoo/<insert bullshit term of choice>.

Interesting you've twisted what the OP said. She didn't say there were valid reasons. She said there were a lot of changes around that time and maybe that's why A ghosted. It may have been that OP had done good stuff going on and A didn't like it. OP might have got a promotion or her dc we're doing brilliantly or anything. There is nothing OP said to suggest there was a valid reason

I haven't been part of a group of women friends since the 1990s. I think my life has been easier as a result.I have found far greater peace of mind in doing things I enjoy, sometimes alone ,sometimes with mixed groups ,sometimes with all female groups; but only going because its something I enjoy, regardless of anything else. I keep out of the group politics/ bonds/ cliques.If a cliquey vibe starts I ignore it/ pretend I have no idea I'm not part of this clique .If those people decide to form a separate group that does things outside the main group, and I am not included, I am now of an age ( 58) where I can absolutely think that I don't give a shit. I want to spend my life with people I like,who like me. Op ,if B is a proper friend then nothing will change that. If she isn't then at least you know.

I sort of got 'Wendied' by an ex-boyfriend once. I'd joined a local social group, which I must have mentioned to him at some stage. Anyway, people starting telling me that 'your ex' had joined. When I saw him in the group, he was going around telling everyone I was 'his ex'. He eventually got a position on the committee and was much more active than me - so I was relegated to the role of 'so-and-so's ex'!

What is a 'Wendy' then? 🤔

I wouldn’t. Just rise above it. Be as neutral as you can and don’t bad mouth anyone. 20 years ago a friend treated me really badly and we became distant. I’ve spent 20 years biting my tongue and pushing my hurt feelings down while she is friends with my larger friendship group, but she’s just done it again to another member and suddenly everyone sees her for what she is. And I’m really glad I kept my head down and have let her show her true colours. All those years everyone wondered what had happened and now I think they can see it was her not me.

If I had tried to influence everyone’s view of her I really don’t think it would have gone down at all well and would have made me look petty and nasty.

In the same way no-one can steal someone’s husband, no-one can steal someone’s friends. If the friends have more in common with the incoming friend that’s just life. It happens that way sometimes.

That's not really true. It's entirely possible to poison people against someone. As for 'stealing' someone's partner, potentially destroying someone's life by breaking up their relationship could be seen as a form of stealing. You've taken something they had, which was very important to them.

So you're upset this woman is going to poison others in the group against you, but you feel ok about influencing others against her? Sounds a bit double standards.

I’m failing to see how your former friend has a vendetta against you? This is just your imagination running away with you!

Why not send her a message trying to reconnect? Clear the air.

“ It’s a shame we lost contact all those years ago, but understandable given your (divorce/big life change/ whatever you thought was the reason)
Welcome to the (knitting) group”

What the hell is a Wendy?

You want the OP to slander this woman before anyone else has met her? Because accusing someone of being very odd and repeatedly manipulating people and ghosting them is exactly that. And it won't make the OP look very good to be slagging someone off. That's just as childish as what she's accusing her former friend of being.

She sort of charms and befriends people and then ghosts them. She’s very odd

What’s this based on? Op had been friends with her for 18 years but lost touch before the pandemic due “a lot of big changes in their lives”

School friends I imagine who grew up into people with little in common and the friendship was left to drift. It happens.

That doesn’t translate as “this woman is odd. She will charm you and dump you”

Of course op shouldn’t tell her group that this woman is “poisonous”

That really would be spiteful and completely unfounded.

A Wendy? Lovely to see that even on a female dominated board, we’re still using women’s names as misogynistic slurs.

No don’t say anything to B. Personally I run a mile from anyone who gossips/gives a head up/bitches behind someone else’s back.

I’m sorry OP but the fear that A could take B away from you sounds really juvenile. If you’re good friends then she’s not going to entertain any attempt by A to cut you out or listen to snide comments about you?

I’ve seen the Wendy term used before on mumsnet and I’ve never really been on board with it. I can’t think of any situation in my life where someone new has managed to come in, take control of a previously happy friendship group and oust existing members. Friendships change and develop over time and people become more and less close but that’s usually organic and not because a “Wendy” or a “cuckoo” rocks up. It all sounds unnecessarily intense and paranoid.

SmileyClare
Why not send her a message trying to reconnect? Clear the air.

“ It’s a shame we lost contact all those years ago, but understandable given your (divorce/big life change/ whatever you thought was the reason)
Welcome to the (knitting) group”

Yes, definitely agree that you should do this. I’ve been ghosted twice then years later bumped into the ghoster and everything was fine - obviously we didn’t go back to the pre-ghost friendship but all very amicable and gave me closure. It could just be that you are a sensitive person who values their friendship Op and A is not, or it could be they had other things going on, any number of things. Show you don’t care, have no hard feelings and have moved on. And if they do have nefarious reasons for joining, you bring welcoming may throw then off a bit. Don’t complain about them behind their back.

My mother has a lot of psychopathic traits.It used to be very odd to me , as a child/ teen, that she simply didn't 'feel' anything. She is brilliant at fitting in and does ' charming' perfectly. Emotionally she is dead from the neck up. She is a widow and likes to be out and about so she cultivates lots of groups. She doesn't actually care whether people like her/ dislike her so she's very relaxed and because of that people are drawn to her. She 'models' friendship in the way she has observed others doing it so people think she is truly what they would think of as a friend. But if a group falls apart due to tensions, cliques , etc she just chooses the most advantageous grouping ( purely to her) to go with and off she goes. I went very much the other way as a young person and felt everything, probably as a reaction to my childhood. As I got into my late forties I consciously decided to be a bit more psychopath about it. I'm a nice person. I behave in a way that doesn't hurt other people. But I absolutely never chase friendships or people please so that people will like me because it never actually works. If someone wants to spend time with me that's a brilliant thing; but if they don't seem to be bothered then that's fine. I no longer turn myself inside out about it like I used to. I just let it be. I always keep a little barrier between me and other people ( not spouse or children). What I'm saying Op is that dialling down your feelings towards people who really don't matter either way is very freeing. If people in this group continue to like you then that's fabulous. If they don't, so what. You aren't going to marry them and have their babies ; they are just other women you hang about with because you all like the same thing. Be yourself and carry on. Cultivate other friendships doing other things ( meet ups is a fabulous website for this). If A comes in that's fine. If she bitches about you behind your back then shes vile but it doesn't matter. As the saying goes " Other people's opinion of you is actually none of your business". Be more psychopath Op. None of these people / relationships really matter. They are chapters in your life.

So speaks someone where it has clearly never happened to. Believe me, there are women out there (mainly women) where they play the long game and get a friend, who really doesn't think that their friend would do anything nasty or mean to them, gets involved with friendship groups and then the friend manages to turn everyone in the group against the person who brought them into the group.

It happens.

It's horrible because you really really do find out who your friends are when it happens.

If I were you @Worried492, I'd phone B before you go on your holiday and have a chat with them about A. Give them the heads up so that they can be aware of the situation. What they do with that information will determine how good a friend they are to you.

Give them the heads up so they can be aware of the situation

Sorry what “situation”. ?

“Hi Carol, just think you should know-a woman who lives locally has joined the local fb.
We grew up together and used to be friends but we stopped talking four years ago”

Carol:

How though? If one of my friends introduced someone new to our friendship group how would she (and apparently it usually is a she) turn everyone against that friend?

If someone I didn’t know all that well started saying unpleasant or negative things about my existing friends I’d just distance myself (rapidly) I wouldn’t think “oh yes, Lucy who I’ve known well and liked for years is a bit of a bitch” and cut her off based on your say so”

I think there is a real danger of OP coming across badly if she tries to warn B about A. If I was B I’d probably think as a grown woman I can make my own mind up about people thanks very much, I’d think it was an overreaction to someone clicking join on Facebook group and I’d then also wonder why A did ghost the OP.

Omg op, grow the fuck up. How anyone has the time or emotional energy for this kind of playground shit is beyond me.