To warn my friend about this woman (potential Wendy)?

[Worried492]

OK wise ones, I'm in need of advice around this former friend.

Sooo . . . just before covid, a friend of mine of 18 years 'A', who I considered a very close friend cut contact with me suddenly. Totally ghosted me. I won't go into great detail but there had been a lot of changes in our lives that may have triggered it. I tried to reach out to her but she completely ignored me. I accepted our friendship was over, and moved on.

I'm good friends with 'B' who I met before A cut me off, but due to me and B having a lot more in common in last few years, we have become close.

Me, A and B live in a medium sized town up north, and we all belong to a fb group for the women in our town. (I'm deiberately being vague as I know a lot of the women are on MN). This fb group is a large one, and there are several subgroups created from this group. For example there is a group where those who like movies can discuss films and organise their own movie outings. That sort of thing. B is very outgoing, and belongs to several of these groups as she loves meeting people. Me and A aren't really into these subgroups.

Now, B has started up a subgroup specific to a particular hobby that me, her and several others I know from the main group enjoy. (She suggested starting up a group and I encouraged her and joined the group). It is a very specific hobby, and about 10 others have joined. Then I checked today and A has joined the group.

A, as far as I know, hasn't shown any interest in this hobby (though she may have started to in the last few years, who knows?) and I really don't want her joining this group. The other women in this group are a couple of friends and a few acquaintances of mine. I'm really worried she is going to come into the group and make things very uncomfortable for me, or possibly 'wendy' me. She is incredibly charming, and I can see B and the others falling under her 'spell' so to speak.

The big question is, do I say anything to B about mine and A's history? I have never spoken to her about A at all. B knows nothing that me and A were friends, or that she ghosted me. I've also never discussed it with any of mine and A's mutual friends. Obviously, I have no idea at all if A has discussed it with anyone.

I'm really worried as I'm not going to make the first 2 meet ups for this group as I'll be away, have visions of A suddenly swooping in and becoming best mates with all the women I know etc etc (I know very overdramatic).

Soooo . . the million dollar question . . . should I mention anything to B about mine and A's history and her ghosting of me?? or just leave it ???

Also from bitter experience, speak up. Shout it from the rooftops! Some naive posters on this thread suggesting this doesn't happen- it does. Get in there first or she will and it won't end well. Women like this are unhinged.

There’s nothing whatsoever to suggest the OP’s former friend is ‘unhinged’. She’s ended a friendship (the OP suggests changes in both their lives may have influenced this, and also says the friend has fallen out of touch with other mutual friends) and joined an online forum for a hobby group the OP is also a member of. Nothing in that suggests any extraordinary behaviour.

What exactly is op being urged to Shout from the Rooftops?

“Someone I fell out with 4 years ago has joined the local fb group”?

I don’t suppose anyone cares!

Haha you can spot the MN posters who have been here for years and were at the conception of the phrase 'Wendy' or to be 'wendied'

It literally came from the pseudonym used by the poster of the original thread. She described making a new friend called 'Wendy' and introducing her to another friend e.g. 'betty' and Wendy and Betty then subsequently became best friends and pushed the OP out. It was reflected in the thread that lots of people had experienced similar and it henceforth became known as being 'wendied' and it stuck.

It could have been any name, and unlike 'karen' was not a name picked due to misogynistic stereotypes.

Exactly!

Just wait and see how things go.
You don't know everything about your friend's life and about why she ghosted you.
Maybe you'll both find a new type of relationship with each other in this group.
Maybe she won't turn up when she sees you are in it.
There are a few possible outcomes other than what you are thinking about now.
No need to create drama and make yourself look bad in the first place.

It was a childish take on friendships then and it still is now. There was some humour in the idea of being “Wendied” but it wasn’t to be taken seriously.

Most adults grow out of complaining that Lucy and Emily like each other more than me and it’s NOT FAIR because I was best friends with Lucy first!

Of course grown women don’t own their friends, they realise it’s not healthy to be possessive or territorial and they don’t get to influence who else their friend socialises with.

YABVU with all that A,B and Wendy shit, OP.

@SmileyClare I see your point but I think emotional dynamics do exist and some people do break boundaries and freeze individuals out of the ‘tribe’. It’s pretty evolutionary. It happens - it’s not childish to be aware of someone acting in this way. In an ideal world no one would give a shit and everyone would walk away or rise above it, as I’m sure you’d advise, but to sense the undercurrent in a social group change, to become aware that allegiances are changing - that’s a real thing and naturally affects people.

Yup, looks like more female "namism". Shame on you, OP. Expand your vocabulary and call people what they are instead of using womens' names.

I thought a Wendy was like from Peter Pan. He and tinkerbell brought Wendy to their group, the lost boys all loved her and poor tinkerbell felt pushed out.

Id not say anything to B. Let them decide on A for themselves as if she’s not as nice as you say she will show her true colours anyway.

I think you should tell friend B.

I also think that as women we need to stop this trend towards using women's names as stereotypes, however it started.

Hmm there’s still a whiff of misogyny in stereotyping women as Wendys. Misogyny is a prejudice against women.This woman is being pre judged as “unhinged, that sort of woman” - a “Wendy” It’s a lazy stereotype.

Do you you think men are complaining about being Wendied by other men?

Theres no indication anyone is being “frozen out of a tribe” here. There’s no “undercurrent” to flag up.

Op no more owns the tribe than she owns her friend. Op’s friend is entitled to make friends with whoever she wants (without prejudice).

Sorry the whole thing is ridiculous. Clear the air with your estranged friend- “Hi Jo- it’s a shame we lost touch. I didn’t know you were a fellow (bird watcher) welcome to the group” is the adult approach.

I certainly hope 'Wendy' isn't a misogynist slur like 'Karen ' 🙄

It's probably because of the character Wendy in Peter Pan. Before she joined the list boys Tinker Bell was Peter's favourite. Wendy also became the person the lost boys would turn to instead of Peter Pan. So she sort of supplanted both Tinkerbell and Peter Pan

Sorry OP, I'm with those who say you are catastrophising. If you do tell friend B that you and A had been close friends but grew apart, and that you are now afraid A will take over B/other friends, you risk sounding needy and slightly deranged. If B is a good friend then she will resist any disinformation from other people, and A is perfectly within her rights to join any group even if, when you knew her, she wasn't interested in the particular pastime.

It's all a bit playground, isn't it?

And, OP, from your description this isn't even a 'Wendying' scenario. A friend of yours has sent up a Facebook group for local people interested in an activity. Someone you were once friends with has also joined.

Not remotely the same as you introducing someone into a friendship group and them taking over ...