To be exhausted with this relationship

[Iheartchampagne]

Long post. Sorry in advance
Also long term poster and name change.
So I have been with DP 25 years with 4 DC.
I'd say generally we have been happy. We are compatible, although he's very different to me. (Bit grumpy).
Start of the relationship I was certainly very happy. I'd describe him as very attentive, loving etc.

Had a few years where we had lots of arguments, some huge ones, but I will take responsibility for most of that as I was causing problems and picking fights over something and nothing.
Then many good years with the kids and I'd say very content, much more so than anyone else that I knew in such a long term relationship.
Past few years I've felt things aren't quite right. Mostly ticking away fine ,but I've found him to be very intolerant of me and how I just am. Snappy. Just to say I am also quite intolerant of him too but I will tell him when he pisses me off. He denies that he is annoyed with me. Says he's fine. Clearly he's not though. Doesn't pay me as many compliments as he used to and I think it's intentional.

It's become a bit of a silly game where he snaps at me and I get offended. No apology from him. Bit of silent treatment, okay for a bit and then repeat.
I have told him many times that I don't quite feel the same( but I want to) and he says I'm just moaning!!!

Anyway , about 2 months ago we had a massive row, first ones we have had like that for years. He went fucking mental at me. He said some horrible things. Including saying doesn't want to be with me . He said our house was more his than mine. Well we have lived together in this house for 20 years and it's in joint names, but he put down all of the deposit.
We probably earn equal amounts(maybe me a little more) and pay equal amounts towards bills in fact, I perhaps spend more as I buy More for dc.

Well this bloody hurt me.
Obviously we didn't speak after this, but after a couple of days I broached the subject. I expected him to say that he didn't mean it. But no! He told me to stop going on and seemed to think I should let him be and not bother him.
So that was 2 months ago. We have gradually gone back to some normality. Had family holiday that was already booked. Had a good time. Chatted about normal stuff, had a laugh at times.
Still no mention of the row. Now I can be mean myself, but I would always apologise and address what had happened. Not him. Complete silence about it.
So we haven't had sex since then( I wouldn't want to anyhow) and not so much as a kiss. He did try and snuggle up to me in bed recently but I didn't respond.

He seems happy enough with this set up. I honestly believe he just thinks we will slip back to how we were, and to some degree we have, but without the affection and intimacy.

Now we we meant to be having a DIY job on our house, not massive but a few grand. I'm expecting a smallish lump of cash soon and I was going to pay for it, or most of it. Now it's childish, but I do not feel inclined to use my money to do work in what he seems to think is his house. He seems all pretty normal about the future, discussing long term stuff like Christmas, next years holiday etc.I'm looking at holidays myself, but mine is instead of the work on the house!!!

I feel I can barely look at the bloke atm. No way am I asking him for a conversation as he is wrong here. I am not playing games, it's just he was so spiteful to me I can't move forward. He is in the wrong here, not me. I'm like inwardly raging when he says "oh we will get some new flooring next year, or shall we go back to Cyprus, do you think?"
I want to say " are you fucking nuts, you said you didn't want to be with me!" And "its your house isn't it?!"

The think is, I'm keeping my cool as I don't want to give him the satisfaction of saying I'm going on or having a go. I'm patiently waiting like a mug for him to address it all. But it seems unlikely now.
I don't know what to get from this thread. Maybe just to offload.

Oh and he's not depressed or anything like that by the way!!!

He has told you the relationship is over and you need to take him at his word. You may want to give it the benefit of the doubt and have one last honest conversation. Say if he doesn’t want to be with you and considers the house his, it’s clear that you both are not on the same page and have fundamentally different aims for the relationship. And that if that is how he feels you want to split. Of course if you love him and want to be with him, give it a chance. Otherwise it’s ducks in a row time and move on.

I actually think that he didn't mean what he said at all. Although there may be an element of truth in house comment( that he thinks as he put more in?) But bloody hell ,nearly 3 decades together and 4 DC and he doesnt think I'm equal?
The only comment he has made since this whole thing is one day on holiday after a few drinks he said:
"When are we going to speak normally again?"
This would have been my cue to say something like I thought you didn't want to be with me.
But we were on holiday and I didn't want it to end in another argument. Zilch since.
I honestly think he believes it's OK just to just move on without addressing the initial argument.

You need to force the conversation. There is no way around it and personally I could not move beyond it without getting everything in the open. His question about when are you both going to talk normally again was the cue for the convo but not too late to return to it.

I agree with pp he told you how he really felt I'm sorry op built you may be in a little bit of denial I think it's time to consider leaving or you are both going to get by in a dead relationship because its comfortable neither of you happy

He's decided that on balance he is happy with a house mates, mutually beneficial, preferably with sex thrown in kind of relationship. He'll stay out until the dc are raised then go looking for a better option- unless one walks past in the meantime.

He's no longer committed to you as a person, just to the family.

You need to work out what you want, and start planning for yourself.

Do not invest in a house you may not keep.
Do not prioritise family over your career.
Do not do more than your share of household management to the detriment of work or social life.

When you withdraw your emotional labour from him, he'll notice and start to hurt. He's very much taking it for granted at the moment which is why he thought he could say what he did without consequences.

Yes I agree. I can return to the conversation again.
But knowing him like I do, I can see how it will go.
He will either get cross at me 'bringing up' old stuff or he will say he didn't mean what he said , he was just angry. And that he's sorry.
And that will be that!!
I don't believe for one second that he wants us to split up.
But he can't day shit like that and expect me to move forwards and ignore it happened.
Also, I feel very upset that I will have to broach the subject when I am the one wronged here.
And I'm the one who had been saying for some time that things aren't right. It's just disrespectful to me and my feelings. And arrogant that my feelings are being dismissed.
And then he says what he did and expects me just to move on gradually.

@pickledandpuzzled
Agree.

@pickledandpuzzled
Also yes, he absolutely thought he could say what he wanted without consequences!!!

When you withdraw your emotional labour from him, he'll notice and start to hurt.
In a perfect world they would. Some people are just too thick-headed to notice and carry on because there's someone in the house with them so they assume it's all fine.

OP it sounds like something is very broken in your relationship and like you've tried to communicate that. If he can't get on board with recognising that issue and working on fixing it, I think you need to consider whether you want to live like this in the longer term.

Do you actually like him and want to be with him? You haven't said a good thing about him currently . Not saying that makes you wrong but even a long marriage can run its course. Don't spend the money, keep it as contingency money for an exit strategy. He's got some nerve over the house after decades together. I think he's out emotionally but biding his time practically like the other poster said.

The thing is we have been together a very long time and I am/would be quite happy to work at it. I'm.not perfect and can take some responsibility too. But I am not begging for an apology over this.
It's his responsibility to address this, not me.
I don't want to play games but yeah.

You are allowing him to call all the shots .
he’s not addressing it as it appears it’s a habit with you both and “just the way you treat each other “
Txt him or call him and say we need to arrange a time for a proper talk but you need to be serious about change . Tell him you haven’t gotten over what he said and you need to know if he ment it . Also that he doesn’t take your feeling seriously or your input Into the house or family.
Telling you your feelings are moaning and kicking off is pretty manipulative and means he doesn’t have to change his behaviour.

Do You want this relationship. ?
You seem sure he doesn’t what to split but he sounds bored .
Best have the chat .

Hi OP, like other posters, I’m a bit baffled. All the posts are about him and what he wants. But you are not happy - what do you want?

I’m sorry to be blunt but you are a middle aged - so am I so this is not ageism, this is stage of life ism - mum of 4 and your life seems to be passing you by. We only get one go on this merry go round - how do you want to spend the time you have left here? Waiting on this man that you don’t even seem to like, never mind love, and who seems like a dick, to make a decision for you? Or take the bull by the horns and decide what you want your life to be - then tell him.

Also, after a 25 year marriage and 4 DC, the house will be 50% yours. No matter what he thinks.

Given that you want to work at it, but are aware you can't do that all by yourself - would he be open to going to counselling to deal with some of your communication issues?

It would be a way for both of you to deal with this without simmering resentment going forward. There's clearly unresolved stuff going on.

Contempt is the death-knell for any relationship and you're in danger of heading towards that if you don't figure this out. If he refuses point blank then that's another issue.

You do not need his permission to bring this up, tell him it’s been on your mind ever since he said it and you need clarity. If you move on and forward you need to be able to forgive because otherwise you are torturing yourself.

@easilydistracted1
No I don't like him atm.In fact I actively dislike him.
Lately I cant bear to look at him, especially since this big fallout.
Overall though I am a bit mixed. Sometimes I think I don't want this, then other times I look and think that I love him and miss what w e had(and could still have). Its so difficult .

Things wouldn't be this bad but it's just dragged on.
Why couldn't he have followed up the row him saying he didn't want us to be together by actually taking steps to split.
OR if he didnt mean it then say sorry and try and work it out. Not do fuck all.

In that case maybe scratch what I said about counselling - maybe it's not worth working on.
Don't let the 'sunk cost fallacy' trip you up, just because you've been together a long time doesn't mean it's still working as a relationship.

@Takeabreather23
He absolutely hates talking. He won't speak to me alone as no opportunity as dc always here.
If I messaged him now I could predict the response. Either of course I didn't mean it
Or not this again!!!
But yes, this is how we seem to do things. Just move on. Not my choice. But he thinks going over stuff doesn't help and we should just move forward.
Meaning nothing ever gets resolved (for me).

You appear to have no respect or love for each other, it's just convenience for you both. Personally I couldn't be in a 'relationship' like yours, it sounds awful. So you either start divorce proceedings or wait until he leaves you.

You're at the end of the road. This is exactly how my marriage ended, with the fall-outs and temporary papering over of the cracks.
My ex also had an affair and his intolerance of me increased. It was a way of justifying his behaviour.
Marriage counselling now - if you both want it - or call it quits.
Good luck.

He wouldn't do counselling. No chance.
Maybe things have run their course and I'm just reminiscing about how things were.
I'm so confused.
I could happily put more effort in and work at things but why the hell should I when he clearly has no respect for my feelings.
I know the house is half mine, it's More the fact that he said such mean stuff, not whether it's true.

I don't think he would actually leave me. I really don't. We would only split if I took steps.
He may have meant some if what he said to a degree but overall I think he was just angry.
Fine, we all get angry and say mean stuff but an apology is called for after or a talk.

@Iheartchampagne I can hear In your first post that he doesn’t talk, but this only works for
him. Not you !

I agree with other pp it’s seems like your relationship is at its end . What’s changes is you I am not the person I was 20/25 years ago in fact even 2 years ago You won’t be either . His comment has triggered something in you .
If he won’t talk take yourself away for a night or two give yourself time to think .
Maybe when you get back you will be ready for change but it seems like you should get everything in place before you tell him it’s over and also be firm on how things are going to be on the future . He calls all the shots right now.
Good luck