To be exhausted with this relationship

[Iheartchampagne]

Long post. Sorry in advance
Also long term poster and name change.
So I have been with DP 25 years with 4 DC.
I'd say generally we have been happy. We are compatible, although he's very different to me. (Bit grumpy).
Start of the relationship I was certainly very happy. I'd describe him as very attentive, loving etc.

Had a few years where we had lots of arguments, some huge ones, but I will take responsibility for most of that as I was causing problems and picking fights over something and nothing.
Then many good years with the kids and I'd say very content, much more so than anyone else that I knew in such a long term relationship.
Past few years I've felt things aren't quite right. Mostly ticking away fine ,but I've found him to be very intolerant of me and how I just am. Snappy. Just to say I am also quite intolerant of him too but I will tell him when he pisses me off. He denies that he is annoyed with me. Says he's fine. Clearly he's not though. Doesn't pay me as many compliments as he used to and I think it's intentional.

It's become a bit of a silly game where he snaps at me and I get offended. No apology from him. Bit of silent treatment, okay for a bit and then repeat.
I have told him many times that I don't quite feel the same( but I want to) and he says I'm just moaning!!!

Anyway , about 2 months ago we had a massive row, first ones we have had like that for years. He went fucking mental at me. He said some horrible things. Including saying doesn't want to be with me . He said our house was more his than mine. Well we have lived together in this house for 20 years and it's in joint names, but he put down all of the deposit.
We probably earn equal amounts(maybe me a little more) and pay equal amounts towards bills in fact, I perhaps spend more as I buy More for dc.

Well this bloody hurt me.
Obviously we didn't speak after this, but after a couple of days I broached the subject. I expected him to say that he didn't mean it. But no! He told me to stop going on and seemed to think I should let him be and not bother him.
So that was 2 months ago. We have gradually gone back to some normality. Had family holiday that was already booked. Had a good time. Chatted about normal stuff, had a laugh at times.
Still no mention of the row. Now I can be mean myself, but I would always apologise and address what had happened. Not him. Complete silence about it.
So we haven't had sex since then( I wouldn't want to anyhow) and not so much as a kiss. He did try and snuggle up to me in bed recently but I didn't respond.

He seems happy enough with this set up. I honestly believe he just thinks we will slip back to how we were, and to some degree we have, but without the affection and intimacy.

Now we we meant to be having a DIY job on our house, not massive but a few grand. I'm expecting a smallish lump of cash soon and I was going to pay for it, or most of it. Now it's childish, but I do not feel inclined to use my money to do work in what he seems to think is his house. He seems all pretty normal about the future, discussing long term stuff like Christmas, next years holiday etc.I'm looking at holidays myself, but mine is instead of the work on the house!!!

I feel I can barely look at the bloke atm. No way am I asking him for a conversation as he is wrong here. I am not playing games, it's just he was so spiteful to me I can't move forward. He is in the wrong here, not me. I'm like inwardly raging when he says "oh we will get some new flooring next year, or shall we go back to Cyprus, do you think?"
I want to say " are you fucking nuts, you said you didn't want to be with me!" And "its your house isn't it?!"

The think is, I'm keeping my cool as I don't want to give him the satisfaction of saying I'm going on or having a go. I'm patiently waiting like a mug for him to address it all. But it seems unlikely now.
I don't know what to get from this thread. Maybe just to offload.

@Takeabreather23
100% he is calling the shots. Hence the reason I'm reluctant to force him into an apology. I could do with a couple of days on my own. Food idea.

Good idea*

It's the straw that broke the camels back OP.

You know deep down inside how he feels about "his house"

I can imagine how insulting this felt to you after all the years together.

I would suggest starting to get your ducks in a row. Look for a good solicitor, find out your legal rights (at least 50% of the house regardless of deposit yonks ago), including pensions.
Look at what you can afford, the life stages the DC are at etc.
Then have the "conversation" being fully prepared to end it. And I'd want to get it done before December.
Also relationship counsellors can help with splitting as well as keeping you together. Also in my experience mediation (ideally on a charitable basis) is worth trying but they will also let you know if it's not best for both parties.

That is really hurtful - the fact that he can think it, let alone say it out loud!
My DH paid the deposit of our house and also pays the mortgage as he earns much, much more than me. However, I more than compensate in other ways. I basically keep the house running, do most of the childcare, all the shopping, cooking and laundry etc. My DH really believes I'm an equal partner in the marriage and I own 50% of the house.
You really need to make him discuss this with you. He'll fob you off but just say "im not going to let it go until we've discussed it". While you're at it you can have a frank discussion about the relationship in general and how you've been unhappy.

I want to say " are you fucking nuts, you said you didn't want to be with me!" And "its your house isn't it?!"

i think you should say a version of this.

« well I can’t think about a holiday because you’ve said you don’t want to be with me. So we need to get that sorted before we start making long term plans. »

« well I don’t know about the floor because you’ve said you don’t want to me with me. There’s no point investing in the house if we’re going to split up and sell it. »

If you get pushback on these things point out these are statements he has made. If he didn’t mean them then he needs to apologise and speak to you about his feeling for the future of the relationship.

That is a horrible thing to say re the house. I paid 25k deposit, DH paid 10k for our house. Never in a million years would I lay more claim to our home. It doesn't feel like my house (I sold 'my' house so we could buy together) and DH would be absolutely devastated if I said I thought it was more mine than his.

I definitely wouldn't say it because a) I would never want to hurt him or make him feel insecure in his own HOME (home is very important to us psychologically to feel rooted and attached to place and family ) and b) I know if I did say it that would be the death knell of trust and security in our marriage and I don't want to undermine that. OP your DH said that despite knowing both of the above, unless he's very thick and didn't understand the consequences (but we all know he did). What a dickhead. You deserve better tbh!

This sounds exactly like my story too @Iheartchampagne Word for word almost. I'm finally trying to find a way out, which I think I can do having spoken to mortgage people / solicitor, but my eldest is in Y11 and I don't want to disrupt him, so here I am still waiting it out.

You know this is no way to live, but getting out of it is hard, I understand that. But so is staying in it. It's almost worse when your husband is content to carry on this charade. You find yourself looking around thinking wtf is happening?! And time just marches on.

Someone mentioned up thread the word contempt. Contempt. That's what I feel for my husband, and I think he feels the same for me now. There's no fixing that.

Good luck OP

Thanks all
Off out but will reply more later. But yes @bonzaitree so, so true.

What bonzaitree said

If you leave it the resentment will kill any love left anyway

What is the job you're paying for in the house ? I wouldn't out of principle . I'd say that you're cancelling and when he ask why , you calmly say what bonza suggested.
Or I'd ask him to pay for half making it clear that the house is joint and you won't be funding anything in its entirety again, also I'd point out if he actually doesn't want to be together the house and all assets are 50/50 no matter what he likes to think .

I couldn't leave that unspoken . I had a relationship with someone whose house I moved into and I was paying for decor and lighting etc, the moment he turned round and said this is my house I asked him for all the money I'd spent and moved out .

Is he a partner or a husband? If you aren't married I would be very careful about how the assets can be split.

What do you want to happen?
It all seems very passive from your side in a way. Your posts are all about him saying he doesn't want to be with you and you waiting for him to address the issue.
Forget him for a minute. What do you want in your life? What do you want your life to look like in a year's time? In 5 year's time? In 10 year's time? Sit and picture your life. What sort of things do you want to do/achieve? Does he appear in your imaginings?

Start thinking about what you want first and then take it from there.

Conflict is one thing, but you have to have open, honest conversation and communication to resolve conflict- no matter how big or small.

He's dismissive of you. He wants to bat it all away when it doesn't suit him. He wants zero consequences to things he says and does.

I would feel shit in a relationship like this.

You're willing to communicate and admit there are things you can do to be better - but it takes two.

This is obviously bugging you so I think you need to deal with it face on before you make any decision.

Couples counselling, individual therapy, talk to him or write him a calm letter.

My marriage ended after a series of rows over 8 years. Each time I lost a bit of myself and stopped expecting respect and equality from him. I knew for a long time we were just one big row from splitting. He became in his eyes Lord and master and I was fit only to cook and clean.

Finally I could take no more and the rest is history. My ex also refused to discuss past stuff. But that was because he knew he had got the upper hand that time and didn’t want to jeopardise his ‘win’. This is also why they usually don’t want couples counselling.

Well done for not allowing this to be brushed under the carpet.

If he doesn’t want the marriage to end, then this may be a real opportunity to fix your relationship and have a better marriage than before.

I'd send him a message. Something like

"I'm very unhappy and thinking of ending our relationship. Before I do I'd like to have a go at getting back what we used to have. I think marriage counselling would be useful. What do you think?"

If he's not willing to do this or propose something else, then maybe it's time to end it. Better now, than letting this go on for another 5 years.

If he's not bothered, then let him know you're seeing a solicitor.

He said some very unpleasant things. He doesn't see the need to apologise/withdraw/discuss this.

You're not married. Are you joint tenants or tenants in common? If he put a sizeable deposit down was this ring fenced? Have you contributed to the mortgage? This may have a beating on the equity split. Would either of you be in a position to buy the other out. If you split may he wish to stay in the house with the kids? I would get legal advice and possibly look to improve your financial position before forcing the issue.

Thank you
Some useful and interesting advice and thoughts.
I dont want to split but equally I don't want to be bothered with him atm. I think it's this time scale from the row and the fact , apart from one time, he has not said a single thing about it.
I am certainly not passive.
It's just from past experience he will get get arsey and say that he's fine, it's just me moaning or picking faults.
Sometimes true. And when its true I will hold my hands up.
This time not my fault.
Do I want to stay together because it's easier? Maybe.
If I had no Dc I'd probably move out. Even temporarily. But Im cautious what I do atm unless I follow it through as I need to be careful with the DC.

I feel that he's making me feel shit and I am not putting up with that. If I could get things back to how they were, with input from both of us, I would. It's hard to know whether we have just grown apart or if it's salvageable.

We aren't married. He put down the deposit which was biggish at time 20 years ago , not big by today's standards.
Mortgage in joint names. I pay the mortgage and he pays other bills like gas electric etc. We split them in a round about way. Works fine.
The job we were having done was some patio door and other doors. Few thousand. Not massive amount.
But I'm not commiting to any jobs now until I know where this is going.

The more I think about it, I think he said what he said in the heat of the moment. Didn't mean it and like he normally does, seems to think time is a healer and as he's been normal and I suppose even nice, he's made amends.
This is him all over.
Not resolving anything. Thinking just give it time and it will blow over. That might be what works for him but not me.

Firstly I think you should talk to a solicitor about the house. You’re not married so it may be that he gets his deposit back first before anything else is split. Or it may be that your long relationship has some impact on the split of assets. I don’t know and you will get conflicting advice on here: you need a proper legal opinion on this.

Then if I were you I think I’d either wait for a comment about holidays and home improvements before saying that you’re not prepared to invest any more money into a home or relationship that is so unstable and that you’ve had legal advice. That will wake him up and hopefully open up a proper talk about it all. If he is resistant or nasty about it just step away and say you clearly can’t talk about it between you both so a mediator will be the next step. Take control and be direct that he’s splitting up the marriage by his nasty attitude and his lack of effort to fix it.

I think legally this might mean you own the part of the house you’ve paid the mortgage on?! He should be very careful here 😂

If you have kids still at home/under 18/and they'll be with you more of the time then you should get more than half.

As for his deposit, unless he ring fenced it then tough shit after all that time.

Guessing it's been uou and not him whose worked part time hours, got a smaller pension? If you do split, all this zhould be factored in to your settlement.

My marriage became like this. He checked out, had affair and left me. Sadly all too predictable!

Snoop for his pension deets before you tell him it's over. If you go down thst road.

I would tell him that in light of the argument and his unwillingness to apologize, you have decided to cancel the renovations. If he asks further, advise that you are looking into solicitors.

OP, book your solicitor's appointment this afternoon, and start preparing for life without him. Really. No renovations. No counselling. Cut to the chase. Don't tell him until you're sure you have everything in place.

Fine, we all get angry and say mean stuff but an apology is called for after or a talk.

I think you've been with him so long that you've lost sight of what's normal OP. It's normal-ish to get angry but I don't think it's normal to then say mean things directed at your partner. And if you do that, it definitely shouldn't be normal to carry on and pretend it didn't happen. And if he won't address problems, there's really nowhere for you two to go.

I'd be getting evidence that it's been you paying the mortgage for this amount of time and then seeing a solicitor. Talk to your DP if you feel it would be better for you to do so. But be careful as you don't want him to destroy your evidence. The relationship sounds like it's gone beyond repair to me.