To consider giving up my job

[McIntire]

I was a SAHM until our DCs were old enough to stay home alone. I then went back to work (new role) about 15 years ago. I love my job but it doesn’t pay much.

Meanwhile DH’s career has escalated over the years and he’s now a high earner in a very stressful job, which he loves so doesn’t want to give up.

He’s supportive of me working but I know it has an impact on him and life is certainly easier for both of us when I’m not working.

So, AIBU to give up and focus on ‘us’ and making our lives easier until DH retires!

There’s a part of me that feels I should work.

Are you 100% secure in your relationship, there are no cracks? Will you enjoy spending most/all of your time in his company?

If the majority of the time you now spend working will be spent cleaning the house, looking after grandkids, letting tradesmen in, will that be enough mental stimulation and social contact for you? I'd be worried about my world becoming very small and - sorry to be blunt - turning into a bit of a bore.

And while some men in this situation really appreciate and value the sacrifices women make to care for them and their family, others take it for granted and look for excitement elsewhere.

My career is so important to my self image. Your position is unimaginable to me and I could afford to retire soon because I made investments so that I could. But DH isn't ready to retire yet so I'll keep going til he retire in 10 years.

The idea of my only role in life being to make everyone else's easier is hideous to me. So you and I are very very different people im guessing.

If you were younger then there might be more of a dilemma, but you're late 50s you have DGC that you help with as well as elderly relatives, up until recently you would have been retiring soon anyway.

I'd jack in my job in a heartbeat in your scenario, with the one caveat that your marriage should be 100% rock solid and your DH also agrees with you giving up work.

I agree. I retired a year before I'm due to get national superannuation, and I'm loving it. I took voluntary redundancy five years ago, and worked at temp and part-time jobs after that - financially it wasn't a smart move, but I have zero regrets. Work was always something I did to fund my "real life".

I vote go for it OP.

Absolutely yes.
I can’t imagine my self image being based on my work. I’m very good at my job and it’s the sort of job where I ‘make a difference’ so I’m proud of that I suppose.

I think there’s a balance, my role in life isn’t to make everyone else’s easier but I can see how my posts may give that impression. I do love doing things for those I love, but I would also love to have more time to do the things I enjoy, exercise, the garden, travel etc.

Thank you for raising these valid points!

Yes, we’re very happy and love spending time together and with family.

I have many friends who are either retired or work minimal hours so often feel like I’m missing out tbh.
They’re not ‘ladies what lunch’ btw 😂 Although that would be nice sometimes.

@Worriedaboutpp
That’s interesting about your DM and something to be aware of. Currently DH mostly cooks at weekends and we don’t really have specific roles iyswim. It’s fair to say that I do most of the house stuff because I have more time, but there’s no expectation from him and I know there wouldn’t be.

@Lemons1571

I have significant savings in my personal savings that he can’t access, so even if he cleared the joint current and savings account I would be fine.

I would go for it.

DH and I have been married twenty plus years, our dc are tiny. the bottom line though is we are a family, a partnership, a team. when his mum broke her leg at lambing time, i moved in with dc to care for her. of course its his mum, but the reality was he was more use in the shed and me in the home.

i would be viewing it more as a positive step for the entire family, rather than a sacrifice.

good luck.

Haven't read the whole thread but could you (as a couple) get a cleaner/gardener/window cleaner/someone in for anything else that needs doing? Click and collect/delivery food shopping and take it turn about to put it through, etc?

I'd be trying to free up time outside work, not giving up work. From a purely financial POV, don't put all your eggs in one basket. Even if your wage isn't enough to survive on, it's something and it could provide a stepping stone to something better paid at short notice if required if your partner is made redundant/has to give up work. Not to mention relationship breakdown possibilities, however remote you might feel.

I used to tell myself this when I was wondered what the point of working even part-time was when it was all going on 2 sets of child care fees and my partner was the main earner.. Now after my partners redundancy during covid, I'm full-time and the main earner while he is starting his own business.

Thanks @DVader

I really don’t want a cleaner or gardener, that would mean more people coming in and out of the house, which stresses us both out tbh. It’s not so much the work load, it’s the availability we both want.

I completely get your point about redundancy and there’s really very little chance of that happening to him. He would also get a massive payoff!

We have no debt so could easily manage on a much lower income.

I love my job

For this reason, no. Why would you give up something you love that’s not even full time to facilitate your husband not having to do adulting outside of work? There’s more important things in life than making it as easy as possible.

That just shows how different we all are. Your position is unimaginable to me - I didn't have a career as such, but even if I did it would not be important to my self image at all. My life is what happens outside of work hours - work is something I did to pay the bills, nothing more.

I couldn't be that dependent on a husband but I'm almost pathological about it. If you're very certain that things would be that easy to sort if you did split then I guess fine. However my friend was in a similar position and sacrificed her own career. He left her but also psychologically wore her down and is now shafting her financially. It's not always so black and white and straightforward.

I do love my job.
I do love my life in general though, even when I’m not working. What I was trying to say in my OP is that it’s not the job that’s the problem, it’s working in general. So changing job wouldn’t be a solution iyswim.

DH adults very well. I do think you reach a stage in your life, that possibly comes with age and financial stability, where making things as easy as possible is appealing.

I’m as certain as I can be I suppose but agree you never know.

I don’t feel dependent on him. Maybe I was more in the past but in general, I now think we’re equally dependent on each other in different ways.

Good for you, life is too short, if it makes things easier you and the family I’d definitely go for it. I’m giving up work next year, I can’t wait.

I would quit work in a heartbeat!!

I have recently had to stop working (health reasons) and life is so so much more relaxed and pleasant.

I have two young children so it’s a different scenario to yours, but life is so much better now I’m not working.

You don’t specify your age or how long until you retire, but I can’t imagine it’s that long, and you are clearly in a financially secure situation and I’m guessing if your husband is near retirement age then he’s not at an age where he’s suddenly going to up and leave you on a whim. You’re obviously happy enough together to get this far!

It’s not as though you are both in your 30’s and you have to think about your long-term future and your need for financial independence is it?

If your husband is on board then go for it and just do what makes you happy.