To consider giving up my job

[McIntire]

I was a SAHM until our DCs were old enough to stay home alone. I then went back to work (new role) about 15 years ago. I love my job but it doesn’t pay much.

Meanwhile DH’s career has escalated over the years and he’s now a high earner in a very stressful job, which he loves so doesn’t want to give up.

He’s supportive of me working but I know it has an impact on him and life is certainly easier for both of us when I’m not working.

So, AIBU to give up and focus on ‘us’ and making our lives easier until DH retires!

There’s a part of me that feels I should work.

I would! Life is easier with one person at home.

Could you do a similar job but through an agency? I’ve just left a job I used to really love. I have young children and needed a more flexible way of working as things come up and my job was extremely rigid. I’m now doing the same job but through an agency and I can work as much or as little as I like, it’s working really well for me so far!

OP, if it would make your life easier, and you’ve said it would, and your husband is happy with this joint decision and has a “his money is family money” mindset which you’ve suggested above is the case, then if it were me, I’d go for it. I would make sure though, that you have some routine, be that volunteering or the gym, tennis etc or wherever your hobby is, so you have plenty to keep you active and give your life purpose. I initially floundered when I gave up my job years ago to be a SAHM after years in a high pressured role as my day didn’t have much structure. That said, I’m someone who likes routine and structure, which working gives.

what happened to give you such a bizarre view of relationships?

Some people on here have a 'you must work no matter what' rule but honestly, do what you want with your life hun.

You only live once so you should enjoy it with your husband as much as possible, and not care what anyone else thinks. If this is your route to happiness then do it. 🙂

If it works for both of you, do it! It was a similar situation here. We're both retired now and it's great to both be able to do the school run/clubs etc. You need to do whatever works for you both.

Sounds like you are a similar age to me (early fifties?) and I probably would if I were you! Same as my work wouldn't see me for dust if I won the lottery tomorrow! I don't mind my job (retrained in my 40's to get a job I didn't hate!) but I am definitely of the work to live mindset and could very happily fill my time if I didn't have to work (I'm divorced and single so I don't have a choice at the moment but am certainly intending to retire as soon as I can make it work!)

The one thing in your posts that would make me hesitate is that I wouldn't have wanted to find myself solo carer for my MIL (and mine was also lovely) - have a good think about how much you would be willing to do and how much you would want your DH to still be involved with even if you are no longer working outside the home.

Is your job something that you could continue to do in a more casual/voluntary basis if you find you miss it?

But, on the whole, I would think, go for it!

We worked really hard to pay off the mortgage and retire. I was 60 DH was 68. We had so many plans, we got18 months of sheer joy, new kitchen, lots of outings, couple of nice holidays. Then I got cancer and spent the next 3 years beating that. Just coming out the other side and Covid hit, then I got another long term illness, lots of drugs which made me feel like sh#÷=, reduced mobility, much pain. I'm just starting to come out on the right side but I have life long issues from the cancer treatment that make it difficult to be away from home much. My advice to you would be, go for what you want,grab it with both hands and enjoy every minute. Who knows what tomorrow will bring

It feels like you want someone on this thread to say yes.

If you can afford to / want to then do so ..

Many posters have said yes.
I wanted to get varying opinions.

We’re late 50s

I’m so sorry @Thatcatdrivesmenuts
That puts everything into perspective 💐

Do it. Why work if you don't need to? The things listed above are what's important, not fucking work. Work won't hold your hand or shed a tear when you're on your death bed.

What would your day/week look like compared to now? Would you have a routine or go with the flow each day?

I am SAHM and my life is miserable right now as I don't have my routine organised.
When I do it works well and I have a great sense of achievement when I can tick everything needing done off my list. But it's not always like that. It's usually running around after everyone else and putting everyone in front of me. If I don't plan properly it leads to me burning out then there's nobody to do all the things I do

It can work if you make it

Do it. You are both about to retire in a few years anyway. You are a team. Do what works out best for both of you. I would, and more or less have. I do about half a days paid work a week and have absolutely no regrets. I can't overstress how much better it is barely working than when I was working more hours. For me and for everyone else.

Could you commit to less hours then? Or offer to be emergency backup for when someone's I'll? If you keep your hand in, it makes it much easier to go back to it if you need to. You're financially secure currently but that might not always he the case. You DH could have to quit work earlier than expected or drastically reduce hours due to illness. Depends on his pension policy then if it covers illness and if it can be accessed early and if indeed it will be enough to see you both through the whole of your retirement if accessed early. Depending on how it's invested his pension could tank in a stock market crash too.

All sorts can happen at any time in your life. I didn't expect to become disabled and unable to work in my 20s, nor did I think my loving husband of over a decade would turn out to be abusive or that out children would have SEN and significant support needs. In your current circumstances not working could make sense and I could very much see the lure of more time with the DGC and not having to squeeze chores into a busy week, but given the uncertainties of life I'd keep one foot in the working world if you can.

@EliflurtleTripanInfinite
That’s an excellent idea about emergency back-up.

Just to be clear, DH does loads for MiL but because of the nature of both our jobs, we can’t just drop everything unless it’s a real emergency. She’s housebound and gets confused. I lost my parents many years ago and she’s like a DM to me too

Here here! In. A. Heartbeat!

Thank you to everyone for your thoughts, I appreciate every one of them.

I’ve decided that I’m going to take 3 months out and see how it goes. I have work commitments for the next 3 months so this will start in the New Year.

If it goes ok, I will then suggest I am called in for emergency cover only. It will help them to have this backup and also allow me to keep my foot in the door.

Enjoy!

This. I know several women who thought "it will never happen to me " and guess what, it did.

So what would happen?

We are mortgage free with substantial savings

I’d get half the house
We would split the savings
I also believe I would still be entitled to half his pension.

I am 100% in the always have an income /be able to support yourself camp

You have financial security at this point. Even if "it happens to you" you'll be fine. Especially if you keep your hand in.

In your circs I would def look into giving up work IF it's what you want. I think your idea of a trial is excellent.
Mat leave has reassured me should I ever be in that position I won't be bored!!!

I also think being available for parents and children / grandchildren is lovely (as long as they are lovely!) My mum provides wrap around care for my DD and i SO appreciate it it makes my life a billion times less stressful and I get so much joy from seeing their lovely bond (they enjoy it too 😂)

The only thing I would suggest is putting in some kind of routine to keep purpose. Be it gym /exercise / clubs / gardening / visiting relatives

i suppose divorce can take years, especially if the other person is difficult or dragging their feet. Would you have enough money to live on in the initial period, if you didn’t have access to his income and he had cleared out the savings?

During my marriage I’ve worked full time, part time and not at all. I was made redundant during Covid and have chosen not to work since. My DH has a small business and works 5.5 days per week and I do everything at home.

This suits us. I don’t feel that I sponge off him and he values what I do.

I find it sad that a woman only seems to be valued when in paid employment.

Hi there,

Generally, I can see you're late 50s and so it doesn't seem unreasonable at all to want to prioritise things other than work when you're in a stable relationship and with gc etc.

i just wanted to mention that my mum did this and loved it at the time but....... all throughout their working lives, my mum was the "homemaker" (whilst working following having us kids), she then retired before my dad, taking on all chores. He retired a few years later and things never got "re-blanced". She still does everything whilst he sits around and seems completely unaware of this. I wouldn't even say he's rudely ungrateful, more like a child and unaware. As his grown-up daughter, I dread anything happening to my mum as I know I'd have to look after him. Please make sure that your husband could run the house if you couldn't whilst you're both still young and set this expectation now so he still has some chores l. I've never even seen my dad with a hoover or put the washing machine on. Once they got to retirement, he seemed incapable of learning it. Circumstances changed and my mum is also looking after my adult brother who is also incapable of looking after himself as he's unwell. So please just be aware and do what you can to make your life easier now, without it being a detriment to your future happiness.

I realise this might be a unique situation, but mentioning in case you're an old-fashioned household and this could apply to you. My generation, household chores seem much more 50/50.