Am I wrong to block my partners's parents?

[petunialover]

Me and my partner have been together for a number of years and the only issue we constantly argue about is his parents.

Initially I got on well with his parents but as time got on I actually have grown to hate them with a passion.

1. I am mixed race and his parents have used really offensive racial slurs in my presence on more than one occasion.

I have been so upset each time.

1. I have helped them out a lot and they have never shown any appreciation or been grateful. It is like is expected because they are my partner's parents.

1. His parents constantly interfere in my life and I constantly have to explain myself and my family to them.

It is constant nosiness and interrogation.

1. Partner's mother has a habit of disclosing my personal business to anyone and everyone. But she expects privacy and for her business to remain private.

1. Partner's mother often speaks quite rudely too me and it has been noted by several people that she lacks general awareness in terms of her behaviour and how she talks to people.

1. The final straw came about 3 weeks ago when she made a comment to her husband in front of me, she said " Oh look at how black he is, oh gosh I would hate to be that black".

I am half white and half black, my father is black.

After that I told her I didn't want anything to do with her, I basically told her about herself.

His parents have been blocked since.

My partner just does not understand why I hate his parents so much and why I have blocked them.

My partner says "my parents are not racist and like ethnic minority people".

My partner is keen for me to meet his parents and "sort it out".

All these issues have been going on for years and I have snapped, I feel so much happier not talking to them as nobody else disrespects me the way his mother does.

His parents don't take this seriously as they are expecting me to attend a birthday dinner for his father at the weekend which I have told my partner I will not be attending.

Am I blowing all this out of proportion and being unreasonable as that is how my partner makes me feel?

His parents live 3 mins away and I can hardly escape them.

YANBU at all, bin them off. And reconsider the relationship too.

You have a DP problem.

He is quite happy to excuse his parents racism. I would dump him.

YANBU, and your partner needs to stop acting like this is a both sides problem.

Your problem is your DP. He's choosing them over you. That's not a healthy, loving relationship.

YANBU but I think your DH is the biggest problem.

If he can't see why this is upsetting then you need to ditch your DH too.

If he DOES see why it's upsetting then he needs to pull his parents up on it!

YANBU and your i aether needs a good talking to

i would cover off each racist remark made by them, explain it’s not acceptable nor is his trying to brush it under the carpet

like you I would now be refusing contact and leaving everything to do with them to your partner, but I would be concerned he is minimising what they are doing to you

Well, even without the rest, point 1 would be a good enough reason to never see them again.

Your problem is with your DP and personally I'd worry about his views too if he thinks this is acceptable. Unless he's scared of them in which case he needs to think about some counselling

They sound awful but your DP also sounds awful for not standing up for you.

I told DH if his Father said anything racist as I heard him say something once he would never ever see his grandchildren who would also be mixed race. He never did well not in front so us. DH was however cut out of his Fathers will, his parents were divorced. I do still wonder if it was anything to do with his choice of wife. I was glad when he died truth be told, he never liked me.

On to the next bloke OP. Surely you can see this wouldn't be a nice life at all. He hasn't even married you (thankfully. )

There are millions of men out there without these issues.

Agree with pp
Bin the lot

Good for you for not putting up with their blatant racism and general bullshit.

You need to chuck their pathetic son as well. I couldn’t be with someone who feigns ignorance like that and expects you to put up with being treated this way.

My partner will always support them and now is trying to turn it around as if they are the victims.

"They are so upset and stunned by you not talking to them" my partner told me.

I have told my partner I dont want anything to do with parents and he will have to start sorting out the Xmas/ birthday presents for them from now on and anything else that concerns them.

I wonder if you want children at some point, and if so is this the kind of environment you want to bring them into?

You are failing to accept that your partner is the real problem here. This relationship is absolutely doomed, and it's a shame you've already wasted as much time as you have with him. Take the blinders off and get rid of this man right along with his horrible family.

I couldn't stay with a partner who allowed his parents to abuse me. I don't understand why you are, OP?

As someone said how will they talk about and to your future children. If your partner doesn't realise that the things being said are offensive how will he protect your children.
Sounds a bit "I'm not a racist but......"

The fact your DP is defending his parents to you instead of apologising on their behalf for their racist aggressions tells you everything you need to know, OP. You need to get out now before there are any children involved.

You are absolutely not wrong. Why should you put up with this! I don’t understand why your partner is even trying to fix what can’t be fixed. You need to reconsider if this is how you want to live OP. Your skin colour shouldn’t be a topic of any conversation.

"My partner will always support them and now is trying to turn it around as if they are the victims."

This cannot be fixed Op.

All these issues have been going on for years

And yet nothing changes.

You must see that your partner is as bad as them.

@petunialover - YAMDNBU!!

(You Are Most Definitely NOT Being Unreasonable).

I would definitely give a LOT of thought to the entire relationship. You can also ignore them if you see them in the street, or you could say as they approach "Oh look, it's my racist inlaws approaching", or "Oh look, it's DP's nosy, racist parents on the look out for more gossip but don't like being the fodder for the gossip approaching" out loud for anyone to hear. They'd probably die of mortification but you'd be getting your point across.

In the meantime, have absolutely nothing to do with them.

For me, there would be no coming back from this. He’s essentially blaming you for your reaction rather than blaming them for the behaviour that caused it. It’s what he thinks is the path of least resistance. Tell him he’s wrong and that he could end up paying for it with his relationship.

This relationship cannot work Op unless your partner very quick starts seeing things from your perspective and supporting you. Though arguably it would be too little too late even if he did suddenly wake up. You deserve better than this.

@petunialover - when your DP comes out with this ""They are so upset and stunned by you not talking to them" my partner told me."
could you reply with

• "Well I'm upset by what they keep saying when they talk to or about me. What do you plan to do about that?"

or

• "I'm stunned by the racist comments they keep saying and believing are ok to say. What are you planning on doing about that?"

Make it a him problem to resolve. At the moment you've resolved it for you but he's not done anything to resolve the underlying issue.

Realistically though, I'd probably bin the lot of them and move on to a better relationship.