Am I wrong to block my partners's parents?

[petunialover]

Me and my partner have been together for a number of years and the only issue we constantly argue about is his parents.

Initially I got on well with his parents but as time got on I actually have grown to hate them with a passion.

1. I am mixed race and his parents have used really offensive racial slurs in my presence on more than one occasion.

I have been so upset each time.

1. I have helped them out a lot and they have never shown any appreciation or been grateful. It is like is expected because they are my partner's parents.

1. His parents constantly interfere in my life and I constantly have to explain myself and my family to them.

It is constant nosiness and interrogation.

1. Partner's mother has a habit of disclosing my personal business to anyone and everyone. But she expects privacy and for her business to remain private.

1. Partner's mother often speaks quite rudely too me and it has been noted by several people that she lacks general awareness in terms of her behaviour and how she talks to people.

1. The final straw came about 3 weeks ago when she made a comment to her husband in front of me, she said " Oh look at how black he is, oh gosh I would hate to be that black".

I am half white and half black, my father is black.

After that I told her I didn't want anything to do with her, I basically told her about herself.

His parents have been blocked since.

My partner just does not understand why I hate his parents so much and why I have blocked them.

My partner says "my parents are not racist and like ethnic minority people".

My partner is keen for me to meet his parents and "sort it out".

All these issues have been going on for years and I have snapped, I feel so much happier not talking to them as nobody else disrespects me the way his mother does.

His parents don't take this seriously as they are expecting me to attend a birthday dinner for his father at the weekend which I have told my partner I will not be attending.

Am I blowing all this out of proportion and being unreasonable as that is how my partner makes me feel?

His parents live 3 mins away and I can hardly escape them.

Your partner is excusing racists but how can you expect any different when you are doing the same?? Your dp is just as racist but you are refusing to acknowledge that. Why??

You need to get rid of the partner

I’m sorry dp, I agree it’s despicable behaviour on the part of dps parents but he doesn’t sound much better.

Your DP problem is far bigger than your inlaw problem. Do you want to spend the rest of your life with someone who thinks it’s ok for you to be subjected to racism? If you have children will they be too dark as well? I do not have to know you to be 100% certain that you deserve better than all of them. Dump your partner and his parents and find someone who at the very least respects you and wants to protect you from racial abuse.

Dump your partner.

Sorry OP, your partner is as racist as his parents. I'd chuck him back into the pot.

Why do you tolerate this gaslighting from your partner? You need to bin all of them

Well firstly you're answer to them being stunned is that you're also stunned by the unacceptable way they speak to you. He can TRY to explain away their racism (if he really wants to try rather than backing you) but he can't explain away their rudeness. So he needs to decide whose feelings he is backing. Theirs for feeling 'slighted' or yours for having to put up with racism and rudeness all this time. All you've done is made a stand. Which he should have done from the beginning - right by your side.

And secondly, why do (mainly) women pick gifts for their in laws? Are their DH/DPs five years old? I've never picked gifts for my DH's family. I may buy them if I'm in the area of the shop or on line but I don't choose them and I don't pay for them. I have enough to do with buying for my family! It'll do him good to have to figure out what to get them. Maybe a copy of how to be good parents-in-law books??

You have a partner problem

If you have children, then they're going to say similar things around them. That's bad for their mental health. Personally I would cut contact. If my partner kept making it an issue, I'd finish with him. I'm suprised she didn't apologise?! Just spun it around onto how you treated her?! Truly bizzare.

Just because your partner is with you, does not mean he is not also racist. There is no conceivable excuse for his behaviour.

Some of the most racist people partner up with ethnic minorities.

YANBU. Cutting people out completely is not always easy so I would just remain civil.

I blocked MIL because I was fed up of her bullying. The final straw came when she wanted to visit, we couldn’t make that day so we had a back and forth where I gave plenty of alternatives. MIL then sent a message to DH saying it was such a shame they weren’t allowed to pop over. DH now makes all arrangements and I feel much happier!

Your partner is as racist as his parents, if not worse.

Please don’t have kids with him.

Leave now and find someone who will love and deserve you. He doesn’t.

I bet if anyone ever suggested to him that he's racist he'd say "I can't be, because my DP is mixed race".

His parents probably say they aren't racist because their DS's partner is mixed race.

Idiots.

You deserve better OP.

Keep the racist cunts blocked, and consider adding their racism-enabling twat of a son to the list, too.

YANBU. He should be supporting you. I wouldn't advise bringing children into this family as it stands.

Items 2 to 5 would be enough, items 1 and the response from your DP the point to end the relationship with him (your DP).

I don’t understand how you can stay with him.

I’m mixed black and white. If my PIL ever said anything like that to me he’d be 100% on my side and no way he’d support them over me.

Frankly you’re being ridiculous to stay with him another minute. I pray you haven’t got kids:

The in laws sound vile.
But your partner is worse.
He does not support you at all. He has not challenged his parents disgusting behaviour towards and about you.
If you support racists that makes you a racist.
I'm guessing you weren't seeing this point before you posted so I'm sending you an unmumsnetty hug 🤗 🌺

You will forever have a DP problem if that’s his response and he can’t see their comments as racist or his mums behaviour as inappropriate.

why aren’t you appropriating blame where it’s due.

@WetWetBottomOnTheNightBus thank you for your kind words.

I have never discussed these issues with friends and family - only with my partner but reading the comments on here makes me realise that I do have a partner problem.

My partner will not back down and will always support his parents and make excuses for the vile comments and behaviour.

I agree with a lot of the comments and points made on here.

I really appreciate everyone's advice.

I have a biracial child and anyone treating us like that would be me out the door.

Why is your boyfriend not sticking up for you?
He sounds like a wimp.

Such an unattractive quality.

Hope you find someone fabulous in your life, whose parents love you as much as he does.

You say that you are your partner have been together for some time and this is the only issue. I'm assuming that, whatever views and influences he may have been brought up with, he chose and loves you. Because he has an obvious long standing relationship with his own parents, it's easy to see how he is torn and doesn't quite know what to do or say. When I was younger I used to have a very direct mother in law and used to rant about it, but, over time, I came to respect her qualities and how conflicted my husband was. Now I'm a mother in law myself I can completely appreciate what MIL's go through. It's a tightrope of diplomacy and you become aware that everything you say is minutely analysed. What you do from here is in your own heart but sometimes it would be useful to live our lives backwards.

That is shameful and blatant racism.

No wonder you don't want contact with your MIL. Don't disclose anything personal, create some solid boundaries and make it none negotiable if she tries to break boundaries. This is if you choose to eventually have some brief interactions.

Your partner needs to grow a spine and support you.

I understand what your saying.
This is how I feel, he feels conflicted between me and his parents.

He is extremely close to his parents and will visit them on a daily basis.

My partner has spoken to them a few times about their behaviour but he is not firm enough and sugar coats it too much.

He is aware how nasty is mother is but will blame it on her having knee problems, or say "she is going through a lot".
He will just make excuses for her behaviour which is wrong.

I will have a long hard think about all of this and take on all the advice and comments on here.