Am I wrong to block my partners's parents?

[petunialover]

Me and my partner have been together for a number of years and the only issue we constantly argue about is his parents.

Initially I got on well with his parents but as time got on I actually have grown to hate them with a passion.

1. I am mixed race and his parents have used really offensive racial slurs in my presence on more than one occasion.

I have been so upset each time.

1. I have helped them out a lot and they have never shown any appreciation or been grateful. It is like is expected because they are my partner's parents.

1. His parents constantly interfere in my life and I constantly have to explain myself and my family to them.

It is constant nosiness and interrogation.

1. Partner's mother has a habit of disclosing my personal business to anyone and everyone. But she expects privacy and for her business to remain private.

1. Partner's mother often speaks quite rudely too me and it has been noted by several people that she lacks general awareness in terms of her behaviour and how she talks to people.

1. The final straw came about 3 weeks ago when she made a comment to her husband in front of me, she said " Oh look at how black he is, oh gosh I would hate to be that black".

I am half white and half black, my father is black.

After that I told her I didn't want anything to do with her, I basically told her about herself.

His parents have been blocked since.

My partner just does not understand why I hate his parents so much and why I have blocked them.

My partner says "my parents are not racist and like ethnic minority people".

My partner is keen for me to meet his parents and "sort it out".

All these issues have been going on for years and I have snapped, I feel so much happier not talking to them as nobody else disrespects me the way his mother does.

His parents don't take this seriously as they are expecting me to attend a birthday dinner for his father at the weekend which I have told my partner I will not be attending.

Am I blowing all this out of proportion and being unreasonable as that is how my partner makes me feel?

His parents live 3 mins away and I can hardly escape them.

What are you still doing with this guy? Surely if he is excusing his parents’ behaviour and can’t understand why you don’t want to talk to them then he’s as racist as they are? If you had kids what are their own dad and grandparents going to think of them whether that be consciously or subconsciously. The relationship is in a sorry state when your partner won’t stand up for you against his blatantly racist parents.

You should have broken up with your DP ages ago.

Pretending (to himself) that his rude-as-fuck racist parents are the victims here is one big screaming red flag.

"My partner is keen for me to meet his parents and "sort it out"."
Because it's so much more convenient for him if you continue to put up and shut up. His hierarchy of 'what matters' runs - him, his parents, and you at the very bottom.

"All these issues have been going on for years ..."
So it really shouldn't have come as a surprise to him, should it. Yet here he is, trying to paint you into a corner where you have to deal with his parents. NO.

"Am I blowing all this out of proportion and being unreasonable as that is how my partner makes me feel?"
No, you're not blowing it out of proportion; HE is drastically minimising it.

How entangled are your and his lives? Children, mortgage?

I’m mixed race too OP and I’m sorry but shame on you for staying with your partner. He and his family sound like a disgrace. If you think the problem lies solely with his parents and not equally (if not even more) with your partner then you are deluded beyond help.

get a grip, this is insane.

As long as you're with him, you're going to have to deal with them. And since he isn't in your corner - is it worth it?

I'd cut my losses.
Family issues are hard enough when a DP accepts and reinforces your boundaries. A DP who minimises and excuses shocking comments and behaviour from his DParents is worse than useless.
He's blindly picked a side, and it's not nor ever will be yours.

Yanbu OP and I would seriously be considering whether your “D”P is right for you as he doesn’t come across as supportive and understanding

I wasn't aware having knee problems made you racist, how strange.
Your DP and his parents sound like utter arseholes.

You had me at 1. They sound appalling. As for the latest dose of racism they dished up, that would be the final nail in the coffin of my relationship.

OP YANBU

As previous posters have said, your partner's parents are racist.

Your partner is gaslighting the whole situation.

You can't change them but you can change your situation and leave.

I have mixed race children and If this were me, I wouldn't tolerate this situation and end the relationship. What more if you had kids? I would never subject my kids to a father who couldn't stand up for his parter and racist grandparents. If the garbage she spews out now is bad, what more when you have kids?

He lets his parents racially abuse you. That would be it for me. The fact they do it is bad enough, the fact he lets them is worse!

Imagine if you have children how they will feel when they make comments to them about their skin. I'd bin them all now. You might have no other issues but your partner is not supporting you on this and that's a deal breaker for most

YADNBU X

You had me at No1. Bin them off and your partner too.

His parents are racists and he doesn't understand why that might offend his mixed race partner.

I thought this too.

OP you deserve better than him.

@petunialover - just wondering how you're getting on since you posted last. I hope things have improved for you one way or the other.

Your DP's parents are racists and your DP happily enables their racism. I would be blocking DP as well as his bloody parents.

YANBU and I agree the main problem here is your DP not supporting you. Move on and find someone who be an actual partner and have your back in adverse situations.

For a start he isn't your partner... He is still tied to his obnoxious dm's apron strings.. Let her have him back op. And move on and be happier..

.

It does appear we will be splitting up as my partner just point blank refuses to see my point of view or understand how I feel.

Apparently he had a word with them on their behaviour and they have promised to stop doing/saying things that upset me.

Partner struggles to understand it has gone too far for that.

I feel a lot better not seeing or talking to his parents.

Even though the racist comments were the main issue, there were other issues such as the rudeness, constant interfering, aggressiveness and being unappreciative.

My partner just expects me to forget it all just because "he has had a word with them and they are not like that anymore".

Apparently his parents can't apologise to me because I have blocked them, he just constantly defends and excuses their nasty behaviour.

If I had offended and upset someone to the degree that they have done to me to I would at least find a way to apologise as it is just decency surely?

Even for my partner's father's birthday my partner still expected me to attend and contribute towards the meal, gift and card.
I told him no way!

I am finished with his parents they can go abuse someone else.

It has been very draining and every day we will argue about his parents and how I should talk to them, I will have to find somewhere else to live as I can't live my life like this (which won't be easy as I only work part time).

Thank you for all the support and replies xxx

Unacceptable racism. It would take a huge apology and self-reflection and learning from them for me to be able to look at them again.

And how awful that your husband does not ‘get it’.

It does appear we will be splitting up as my partner just point blank refuses to see my point of view or understand how I feel

Just as well ... I do hope you don't have children with this useless article?

I know it's hard splitting up but it's for the best. Good luck.

I can’t get over the fact that you’re tolerating your partner defending his parents and just accepting it.

I’d be sending him off to their house until he realises that his bed is significantly warmer when doesn’t justify the racist impulses of his parents.