Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Big argument with boyfriend - AIBU

53 replies

Soa · 24/09/2023 08:39

We have been together 5 years and 29 years old. He works away a lot and has been away working for the past 7 weeks minus the odd day or two. His time off started on Wednesday for 2 weeks but he he has gone on holiday with a friend and won't be back until a day before he has to go to work;
I've been really upset and stupidly started an argument last night about whether I can do this relationship as we're hardly seeing each other. I feel anxious as we have a house together but it feels I'm always on my own.
I feel headachy and really emotional.

OP posts:
Karwomannghia · 24/09/2023 08:41

Yanbu he doesn’t seem interested in spending time with you and sounds like he takes you for granted.

Original poster
Soa · 24/09/2023 08:42

@Karwomannghia he's always loved travelling and been on the holiday with friends here and there so I don't mind him going on holiday. This one just feels like he's taking the mick because he's gone away the whole time he's meant to be home rather than even just a week holiday and a week with me.

OP posts:
RiderofRohan · 24/09/2023 08:47

I wouldn't be happy either. Surely, if he's still into you, he should be dying to spend time with you?

Aprilx · 24/09/2023 08:48

Did he discuss going on holiday with you?

It doesn’t sound great to be honest, I think you are wasting your time here.

Original poster
Soa · 24/09/2023 08:49

@RiderofRohan that's what I thought and I said (over message because that's the only way I can contact him until he's home so not ideal) that I'm really upset he's chosen to spend his whole time off with a friend and doesn't seem to bat an eyelid that we've hardly see each other in weeks,
And he replies that I know I'm his priority but I also know he loves travelling and he's upset I've brought this up as now he feels sad on holiday

OP posts:
pictoosh · 24/09/2023 08:51

Hmm...whatever he's thinking, he's taking you completely for granted. I can't think that anyone I know, male or female, would be ok with this.
Seems like he's in the relationship on paper only.

Original poster
Soa · 24/09/2023 08:51

@Aprilx he did discuss it but he claimed that he'd have a week with me before he went so I didn't realise it'd be basically 7 weeks of hardly seeing each other. Obviously work can't be helped but I just feel alone :(

OP posts:
Original poster
Soa · 24/09/2023 08:52

@pictoosh I think that's what making me feel angry this time. Him going on holidays has always been the norm - 5 days here and there with friends so I feel he's massively pushed my limits here and my laid-backness about it all has come back and bit me in the bum

OP posts:
Unionizedy · 24/09/2023 08:55

Soa · 24/09/2023 08:49

@RiderofRohan that's what I thought and I said (over message because that's the only way I can contact him until he's home so not ideal) that I'm really upset he's chosen to spend his whole time off with a friend and doesn't seem to bat an eyelid that we've hardly see each other in weeks,
And he replies that I know I'm his priority but I also know he loves travelling and he's upset I've brought this up as now he feels sad on holiday

He feels sad, on his holiday, and this is all your fault.

It’s all about him, and you only feature in this to take the blame for his doings.

Right, got it.

Newestname002 · 24/09/2023 08:58

@Soa

And he replies that I know I'm his priority but I also know he loves travelling and he's upset I've brought this up as now he feels sad on holiday

It's all about him really, isn't it?

This doesn't sound like a true loving, caring relationship to me. It doesn't sound like you have children together OP. If not I'd really think about how you'd feel and how you'd cope pretty much on your own without him properly being there to support you and his children. 🌹

FOJN · 24/09/2023 09:12

*And he replies that I know I'm his priority but I also know he loves travelling and he's upset I've brought this up as now he feels sad on holiday"

Translation

My words say you're my priority and I'm really sad that you want my actions to prove it. You know I love travelling and now you've spoilt my holiday.

You are not his priority, he loves travelling more than you. This is not a recipe for long term happiness.

Did he even ask if you would like to go on holiday with him?

honeylulu · 24/09/2023 09:13

I don't think you're unreasonable either. It must feel like you're convenient to share the bills and chores with but when he's got the time and money to enjoy doing fun/relaxing stuff he'd rather do it with other people.

Not saying he shouldn't spend time with friends, but just not to the extent that there is nothing left for you.

Original poster
Soa · 24/09/2023 09:15

@FOJN I can't go on holiday as I teach so I'm working, which is a good distraction, but coming home to an empty house all the time is a bit tiresome

OP posts:
Original poster
Soa · 24/09/2023 09:17

@honeylulu 100 percent what I said; holidays are okay but surely it would have been logical for him to book a week holiday and then have a week with me but it's made me sad that I've even had to say that to him as I think most reasonable people would realise that leaving a day or two to spend with their partner is not really enough time.

OP posts:
ZekeZeke · 24/09/2023 09:19

Don't have children with this man, please.
He is who he is.
He seems to like his life the way it is and won't change as he doesn't see anything wrong with it.
In his eyes he works hard, splits his time off between you and his friends. That seems a happy medium to him but you are not happy.

Time for you to decide if this is what you want foe your future and if not its time to split.

ButWhatAboutTheBees · 24/09/2023 09:19

I think you were unreasonable to text him and start and argument whilst he's on holiday after working away for 7 weeks...

Is him working away from home the norm or was this a one off? Was it 7 weeks of working extra hours as well whilst away?

Livinghappy · 24/09/2023 09:20

he replies that I know I'm his priority but I also know he loves travelling and he's upset I've brought this up as now he feels sad on holiday

Judge him on his actions, not his words. Nice bit if manipulation to silence you.

I know it's difficult to separate when your lives are entwined, especially financially, but this man isn't a partner. You are house sharers.

You deserve better. I can't see this getting better and the worse case is he strings you along for years. Why aren't you invited to travel with him?

Pacificisolated · 24/09/2023 09:20

What are your long term plans? Would you both like to have children? Is he planning to stop working away? Is this a realistic option for him?
I’m a parent to a small child with another on the way and I would have had a mental breakdown by now if my partner was away from us for that long.

whiteroseredrose · 24/09/2023 09:24

Actions speak louder than words. After weeks apart he should just want to spend time with you. But he doesn't, sadly.

So whatever he may say, holidays are a priority, not you.

In your shoes I'd get my ducks in a row then move on.

ValerieDoonican · 24/09/2023 09:28

World according to your bf:

You are expected to keep the house going and be a warm loving girlfriend to him when he wants to pop home, and you are expected never to make him uncomfortable by having feelings of your own and expressing them to him. He mustn't be critised as that 'makes him sad'. So he can do what he likes.

At least, that is what it sounds like.

Ienjoyedthebarbiemovie · 24/09/2023 09:32

YANBU

he feels sad on holiday? Sounds like a child. Does he go on many holidays with you? In the past year how many am days have you actually spent together and how many holidays ‘with the lads’ has he had?

C1N1C · 24/09/2023 09:34

Just curious... what is the work split like? Do you work OP?

Many are condemning him for working away a lot and then using his free time, which is justifiable as a relationship is about being together... but if he's working, supporting you, providing for you, e.g. because he is in the army, I think he gets a bit if leeway.

Sueveneers · 24/09/2023 09:35

Never get with a man who 'works away'. It's nothing but heartache and trouble. It's a single man's job, or a job for a man that plays the field, it's not conducive to a committed relationship. He's basically living the single life. You will never be his priority as he doesn't even stay too long in one spot. You barely have a relationship now as it is, you're just his booty call in between ports. Sorry but that's how it is. You understandably, want to settle down. This man is the antithesis of living a stable life. You need to leave him and find someone who will settle down with you. He is not the right one for you. Do you want to still be in this situation in another five years, a once every 7 weeks booty call for a man who never prioritises you?

Original poster
Soa · 24/09/2023 09:37

@C1N1C yes I teach so I work 5 days a week. It's causing me stress not seeing him hence why I couldn't wait for him to come home to express how I feel to him as it's making me feel low when I'm in work too.

OP posts:
category12 · 24/09/2023 09:39

You're clearly not his priority.