Big argument with boyfriend - AIBU

[Soa]

We have been together 5 years and 29 years old. He works away a lot and has been away working for the past 7 weeks minus the odd day or two. His time off started on Wednesday for 2 weeks but he he has gone on holiday with a friend and won't be back until a day before he has to go to work;
I've been really upset and stupidly started an argument last night about whether I can do this relationship as we're hardly seeing each other. I feel anxious as we have a house together but it feels I'm always on my own.
I feel headachy and really emotional.

YANBU. His priorities are skewed, but most importantly do not tally with yours, so this needs sorting. Relationships involve compromise.

If the length of this trip wasn’t essential, I would classify what is happening to you as emotional neglect bordering on desertion.

OP says she works but regardless, if you choose to have a relationship with someone then you should want to spend time with them.

7 weeks aways then nearly two weeks holiday with friend before going back to work away is not wanting to spend time with OP.

OP, I think he sees you in a similar role to his mother, you keep the house, welcome him home and are always there waiting for him. This is not a partnership. I'm sorry.

Is he definitely in a relationship with just you OP? “over message because that's the only way I can contact him until he's home” makes me wonder WHY you can’t phone him.

Hope I’m wrong, it just randomly a little alarm bell - working away, can’t ring him etc.

Either way he’s being shit and I think you should dump him… you’re sad anyway, he’s not spending any quality time with you, might as well bite the bullet and get it over with.

More info needed I think.

Does he get lots of holiday time when you have your holiday time so you can spend time together then when you are not working? Rather than him burning all his holiday time without you?

is this long haul or another reason why it’s 2 weeks?

Was the holiday booked ages ago but the working away all that time more of a last minute thing?

just wondering if this is just a case of rubbish circumstances before jumping in and condemning the relationship.

Obviously work can't be helped but I just feel alone :(

You feel alone because you are alone.

I have a similar relationship to you and I ended it last night. Reading Mr unavailable and the fallback girl made me realise I was the fallback girl.

And the previous poster is right that you feel alone because you are alone. Better to be alone without a partner than be in a relationship that gives you a crushing sense of loneliness.

Oh the ‘I work away it’s so hard for me ‘ selfish guy. Dump, been there done that . Don’t have kids because they will also be less important than what he wants. Mr No. 1 will always be first for anything !

Why can't he go on holiday with you?

It’s pretty rubbish, and he should have spent some time with you.

However, from his perspective, if he stays home while you’re working, he’s twiddling his thumbs all day until you get home in the evening - and if your workload is anything like my friends in teaching, do a lot of work in the evenings too.

Then he’s back at work for another 7 weeks with only the odd day off.

So I can see the attraction of wanting a holiday with a mate over staying home all day by himself.

I can understand that if he has limited time off and likes to go away, he wouldn’t want to use up the time he does have staying at home when you’re working.

Did he have any flexibility over his 2 weeks off?

I can actually see that this wouldn’t be unreasonable- for me, and I don’t get to decide that for you.

Because of that, I’d look at the bigger picture.

Like it seems odd that you can only message him now? Why? My husband and I often holiday separately - not had a country yet where wifi status and time zones stopped us talking.

And the last 7 weeks… has he been working 7 days? Has it been too far to meet in the middle for a weekend? That’s more what I’d be judging.

What is the point of this relationship? Even if he didn't go away on regular holidays, it doesn't seem like he has room for a relationship in his life. You're still young. Find someone that works more 'relationship friendly' hours. I wouldn't waste my life being in this type of set-up unless there was a clear end in sight for the amount of time they worked away.

People are just on this, him complaining you’ve made him sad on holiday.

But what actually happened here?

If you knew already that his 2 weeks off were going to be taken up with this, and said nothing, then I think it’s pretty shitty to start his holiday off with you texting that you’re upset. It’s a conversation to have when he gets home. Which might be a splitting up conversation.

If you had discussed him being at home this week then with one day’s notice he said, “actually I’m away” - then fuck his holiday feelings and text away!

How long have you known he was planning to be away?

You're really young OP, you have loads of time to find someone who actually wants to spend time with you.

When he's working away where does he live? Can you go and stay with him there? And exactly who is he on holiday with? I'm just thinking about some of the stories you read about people finding out their partner has a whole other life and second family somewhere else. Not saying he is doing that, but with your current set up it is a possibility. At the very least he could quite easily have a girlfriend in the other place, and be on holiday with her now, hence not able to talk to you. Even if he's not got someone else and his whole story is true, it's pretty clear that he doesn't view you as a major feature in his life. And him accusing you of making him sad on holiday is a red flag as far as I'm concerned. It's the classic trick of someone behaving badly, attack is the best defence, twist it round so the other person ends up appologising.

I can sort of see it from both sides. He likes travelling, but your work (term time holidays only) ties down the times that you can go together, so if he has free time and you don't, then it kind of makes sense for him to see his other travelling companions when you cannot travel with him.

What happens when you have 6 weeks off in the summer? Do you arrange a holiday for yourself if he is working?

I guess you need to be asking yourself what you personally want from a relationship. Some people like to holiday solely with their partners, others enjoy the freedom to holiday with friends as well as partners - and some partners would get miffed if they aren't included.

I can also see that him being away for work for 7 weeks then going on holiday before going away for work again is hurtful, I wouldn't like it either, but if the relationship overall is a good one, then maybe it's unfortunate timing, a blip, and not a reason to end an otherwise good partnership.

Only you know that.

And he replies that I know I'm his priority but I also know he loves travelling and he's upset I've brought this up as now he feels sad on holiday.

Because of course nobody can ever go traveling with a romantic partner, there's a law against it.

Unless there's some massive drip feed on what exactly he means by "travelling" ( trekking in Outer Mongolia? Hitchhiking the Gobi desert?) or about OP for medical reasons being unable to move more than ten Mike's from home, then this man is full of shit.

Do you ever get to take any joint trips OP when you're on holiday yourself?

I have a similar set up with my husband OP. He's gone for six or seven weeks at a time, and often in a different time zone.

However, at no point would he have gone straight from a stint away to a two week holiday with friends. It's not unreasonable to want to spend time together. And his guilt- tripping would leave me absolutely cold.

He's saying you are a priority but not acting like it. You aren't unreasonable to point this out or feel slighted.

That would have been the obvious compromise, wouldn't it? Either that or it should have been a holiday for both of you to go on.

I'm afraid it sounds like he is either not that into the relationship Or he is at best immature and extremely thoughtless.

You mention in another update that he now feels sad on the holiday. Well he deserves to. He has made you feel sad at home by his thoughtless ignoring of you and going away with his friend instead.

Just thinking about him working away and you being a teacher…
If you’re in England you’ve only been back 3 weeks.
If you’re in Scotland this isn’t relevant as you’d have been back his whole 7 week work stint.
But there are more England based posters here than any other location I think, so worth the question… did you use your holiday to fit around his work? Go to see him?

I don't quite understand why you don't holiday together. I adore holidays, weekend breaks with hubby

I just think that when you live together, it’s really easy to take advantage of that and basically get complacent. You don’t prioritise seeing each other in every moment, even if it’s actually true that your relationship is a priority. People get lazy where they don’t have to make an effort.

It needs to be addressed, but it doesn’t mean the relationship has run its course. Though it may have!

If you don’t want a partner who works away, that’s a valid choice though not his fault. Some people hate that no matter how much they prioritise holidays together, or a weekend in a location half way, half way through the period away. For sone people, they want someone physically present every day. That’s fine - you need to split.

I think you need to work out whether his choice to go away was complacency in a good relationship, that you can address together, or a sign that he doesn’t care and it’s over.

She hasn’t said they don’t holiday together.

They haven’t gone on this holiday together, because the timing of his availability (driven by end of a stint working away) doesn’t match her availability (driven by a term time teaching job).

Lots of couples have separate trips as well as ones together.

Ok, it's not great but bear in mind that because of your work, if he stayed home tee time he'd only see you evenings anyway.

If he likes travelling he might thing that's a waste of travelling time.

It's an area to discuss, not a deal breaker imo.