To not want friends DS to give DD sweets

[paardensharon]

This is my first post but I want to know if I'm bu before I say anything.

My DD was going to a childminder from 10 months, we liked her but I split with her dad so we moved. I was going to find another but my close friend offered to look after her, she used to work in a nursery and I trusted her and I was paying her. She would have her 2 days a week as that's all I was working at the time. My DD is now 5 and in year 1 so I don't need her to look after her as much. I work 5 days a week. I WFH two days and I'm in the office 3 days. Although of a Friday I finish early so I don't need childcare for that day. Friend picks her up the other 2 days and I pick her up the days I WFH.

Her child goes to the same school as DD but is in another class, they get along well. My friend was picking her up at first but now her older DS is, he's 20. At first it was just here and there if friend had an appointment but for the past few weeks her DS has been. I don't mind as I know my friend is doing me a big favour and I am grateful for her. However, everyday she has been coming home with lollipops/little packs of haribos/chocolate in her bag which friends DS has given her. When the weather was hot he was buying DD and his sister ice cream which I only know about as DD told me.

Yesterday, I had an appointment so I asked if friend could do pickup but I didn't need her to give her any dinner and she'd only be with her for half an hour-an hour. Friend agreed but her DS picked her up again she came home with sweets but she had a little teddy as well that he had bought her. She said the other girl had one as well so I imagine so DD wasn't left out. But then again he couldve given it his sister when DD had been picked up.

AIBU in not wanting him to give her sweets(and now a teddy)? Just to add, I do trust him and I've known him and my friend for 10 years.

"I don't mind as I know my friend is doing me a big favour and I am grateful for her."

But she's not is she? She's not doing you a favour at all, she's palming the job off into her son. Does her son have experience of caring for small children?
If I asked someone (anyone) to care for my child, and subsequently found out that my child was actually in the care of someone else, I'd be furious.
You would be better off paying for the appropriate care that you need for those two days each week.

I wouldn’t be comfortable with this. A 20 year old guy buying your DC sweets and a teddy? Sorry no. I wouldn’t say anything but change childcare. Your friend is constantly palming your child off to her son who seems happy to look after a small child?? 🚩 I would stop using her.

I understand your concerns but I think you need to let it slide. A 20 year old man looking after kids that age is probably feeling a bit out of his depth and is trying to be nice to your child in whatever way he can find. It's only twice a week, and maybe she'll grow up with fond memories of the nice big brother type who always spoilt her a bit. You're getting free childcare, don't look a gift horse I the mouth!

It’s not free - it says she is paying her friend.

I thought at first it as the issue with sugar but then you mentioned the teddy. You know him and trust him. What’s the issue? Why is it a red flag? If my dh wanted to buy our dd sweets and she had a friend he’d also get the friend the same?

I'm not seeing the issue at all. Would you feel the same if it was a 20 year old woman?

My immediate thought was grooming.....

Sounds like he's just trying to be nice.
This thread is quite depressing to read.

I would have an issue with the palming your child off on someone else and also having lots of sweets but I get the feeling you just have an issue with her son. Is it giving you red flags or what? There’s not much to go on here. Do you fear something more creepy?

Just pay for after school club if you're not happy. Maybe your friend would prefer that anyway.

Oh FFS. That’s a big jump to ‘grooming’.

Or the guy is being nice to his younger sibling and trying to make sure OP’s DD isn’t left out.

Agree with this.

I don't think he's doing anything wrong but it's clear your friends fed up of the arrangement. If you're unhappy just use an after school club.

Lots of people very paranoid. If you don’t want her eating sweets just ask them not to give them? Or if she hasn’t eaten them just put them away.

It may time to consider other forms of childcare.

Jesus fucking Christ. This man is looking after his sister and his mums friends child for a bit.

If he treating his sister, he is also treating the other child that’s there? And your mind jumped to grooming?

Fucks sake. Do you think any man buying his sister something is grooming them?

Op tell your friend you don’t want her son looking after your child so you will be paying for childcare. Or ask him to stop buying her sweet. But don’t expect him to stop buying his sister then. So tell dd why the friend has them and she doesn’t.

If you don’t want him looking after your child, I am unsure why you didn’t say this before to your friend.

GROOMING???!!!! RED FLAG??!!!!! Out of his depth?!

Fuck me, you lot must spend the whole of your lives looking over your shoulders!

OP already said that they trust this guy, so why try and fill her head with thoughts that her precious child is being groomed by an adult?!

And why? Because he's male.

Please note, MH. Not all men are out to hurt kids.

Op says she ‘was’ paying her when it was full days, I think. It’s not clear if she is paying her now.

Mention it but in the context of it is very kind but there is no need to spend his money on DD.

OP, if it weren't for the sweets, would you be happy with this lad collecting your DD?
Perhaps your friend is giving him the money to collect her; is this acceptable to you? (Personally I don't see an issue if you trust him). He's probably finding the money useful.

If that's fine, just have a chat (gently!) about sweets. But don't expect him not to give his sister sweets. Perhaps put a snack in your daughter's book bag (enough for both girls if you're feeling generous).

Whats the issue here?

To be fair he is also buying sweets and ice cream for his little sister. That's normal.
And if his sister has a friend with her - it would be strange for him to not do the same for her. Rather than leave her out.
It could be that the OP's friend is sending the money with her sim for pick up.

That’s so sad a big brother can’t be happy looking after younger sibling and friend without it being a red flag. He’s a kind generous big brother. Your world view is really sad.

Wow your world must be a sad scary place.

Honestly some of the responses I see on posts are ridiculous!
GROOMING, RED FLAG for buying a child sweets/ Teddy. Seriously he's a 20 yr old lad probably getting paid for collecting his sibling and thier friend. Its the same when someone posts about thier DH..DH didn't put the bins out( leave the bastard) your lives must be very sad if that's how you view the world and everyone in it.

My brother used to pick up my son at this age and he used to buy him treats. Was he grooming him? NO. He used to buy them to make pick up time fun for my son.
Op you don't know what the kids are like together at pick up, he might be getting them little treats so they behave on way home for him.
Or it maybe that your friend is giving him money and telling him to get them a treat on way home.
Would you rather he just picked them up and ignored them all the way home?
I think if the arrangement isn't good for you then you need to speak to your friend.

If you're not happy then you need to find other childcare.