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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want friends DS to give DD sweets

54 replies

paardensharon · 23/09/2023 21:30

This is my first post but I want to know if I'm bu before I say anything.

My DD was going to a childminder from 10 months, we liked her but I split with her dad so we moved. I was going to find another but my close friend offered to look after her, she used to work in a nursery and I trusted her and I was paying her. She would have her 2 days a week as that's all I was working at the time. My DD is now 5 and in year 1 so I don't need her to look after her as much. I work 5 days a week. I WFH two days and I'm in the office 3 days. Although of a Friday I finish early so I don't need childcare for that day. Friend picks her up the other 2 days and I pick her up the days I WFH.

Her child goes to the same school as DD but is in another class, they get along well. My friend was picking her up at first but now her older DS is, he's 20. At first it was just here and there if friend had an appointment but for the past few weeks her DS has been. I don't mind as I know my friend is doing me a big favour and I am grateful for her. However, everyday she has been coming home with lollipops/little packs of haribos/chocolate in her bag which friends DS has given her. When the weather was hot he was buying DD and his sister ice cream which I only know about as DD told me.

Yesterday, I had an appointment so I asked if friend could do pickup but I didn't need her to give her any dinner and she'd only be with her for half an hour-an hour. Friend agreed but her DS picked her up again she came home with sweets but she had a little teddy as well that he had bought her. She said the other girl had one as well so I imagine so DD wasn't left out. But then again he couldve given it his sister when DD had been picked up.

AIBU in not wanting him to give her sweets(and now a teddy)? Just to add, I do trust him and I've known him and my friend for 10 years.

OP posts:
Hellodarknessmyoldpal · 24/09/2023 09:10

OP which part are you actually unhappy with? He's spending his own money? You don't want your DD having that many sweets? You think his intentions are sinister?

Can't believe so many jumps to grooming! Yes it does happen but OP said she trusts they guy. It's quite likely he is just trying to pass the time and knows it's an easy way to keep the kids happy until pick up. He's treating his sister in the same way.

Original poster
paardensharon · 24/09/2023 10:40

DD is very shy so I think she'd struggle to settle in, in an after school club and I've heard that wait lists are long. I still pay my friend.

I don't have an issue with her son picking DD up but I don't want her having sweets everyday and Im unsure why he bought her the teddy as I said in my OP, he could've given his sister it once id picked DD up.

OP posts:
BabaPixi · 24/09/2023 11:38

What's wrong with him buying them both a Teddy? Can you explain what your issue actually is?

MrsSkylerWhite · 24/09/2023 11:42

WasIBad · Yesterday 22:16

My immediate thought was grooming...”

Why?

SharpShard · 24/09/2023 11:44

My son is 20 and kind and respectful. To help me out he would collect a friend’s child. He might even pop to the newsagents before and buy a treat.

Jumping to red flags and grooming is just preposterous!

SharpShard · 24/09/2023 11:47

I just asked my 20y son about this thread, and he said that if you trust a friend that much, then it’s odd not to trust their son. And gave examples of my friends.

He thought it was crazy that any of my friends would consider him a groomer.

Gifgirl · 24/09/2023 12:18

It sounds like the only issue is the sweets.

Easily sorted.

"Hi, Jake.
We really appreciate your help with DD, we'd be in a pickle without you!
Just one thing, though, could you please not let her have sweets; I'll supply her with a snack in her school bag".

Done.

purpleme12 · 24/09/2023 12:25

Your post doesn't come across that you have a problem with the son looking after your child. And it doesn't come across that your think there's ulterior motives like a couple of people have suggested. And it also sounds like he gets your child a treat because he gives the other child a treat.
So honestly I'd just leave it

rainbowunicorn · 24/09/2023 15:15

Fuck sake the man hate on Mumsnet is always a bit crazy but some of the posters on this thread are completely bloody deranged. Take a fucking look at yourselves. If this is how you conduct yourselves in real life you should be bloody ashamed.
Just because they are male does not mean that they are going to harm a bloody child.

MUM2TJ · 24/09/2023 15:33

Op you have actually said yourself you don't mind him picking her up but you don't want him buying sweets.Fair enough but you also say your unsure about him buying her a Teddy?
Why? If he's buying for his sister then it's nice that he thought of your dd too.
I'm sorry but if I was your friend I would be telling you to make alternative arrangements as I wouldn't want every little thing my son did when he picked them up to be scrutinised and made in to something it's not.

NatashaDancing · 24/09/2023 15:55

paardensharon · 23/09/2023 21:30

This is my first post but I want to know if I'm bu before I say anything.

My DD was going to a childminder from 10 months, we liked her but I split with her dad so we moved. I was going to find another but my close friend offered to look after her, she used to work in a nursery and I trusted her and I was paying her. She would have her 2 days a week as that's all I was working at the time. My DD is now 5 and in year 1 so I don't need her to look after her as much. I work 5 days a week. I WFH two days and I'm in the office 3 days. Although of a Friday I finish early so I don't need childcare for that day. Friend picks her up the other 2 days and I pick her up the days I WFH.

Her child goes to the same school as DD but is in another class, they get along well. My friend was picking her up at first but now her older DS is, he's 20. At first it was just here and there if friend had an appointment but for the past few weeks her DS has been. I don't mind as I know my friend is doing me a big favour and I am grateful for her. However, everyday she has been coming home with lollipops/little packs of haribos/chocolate in her bag which friends DS has given her. When the weather was hot he was buying DD and his sister ice cream which I only know about as DD told me.

Yesterday, I had an appointment so I asked if friend could do pickup but I didn't need her to give her any dinner and she'd only be with her for half an hour-an hour. Friend agreed but her DS picked her up again she came home with sweets but she had a little teddy as well that he had bought her. She said the other girl had one as well so I imagine so DD wasn't left out. But then again he couldve given it his sister when DD had been picked up.

AIBU in not wanting him to give her sweets(and now a teddy)? Just to add, I do trust him and I've known him and my friend for 10 years.

Your childcare arrangements are a mess.

Do either of these people have an enhanced disclosure and barring service check for working with children? Here's one set of guidance notes, but they apply universally.

Lambeth Council Childcare

OP already said that they trust this guy

That is so naive. You've known his mother for 10 years - I know very little about what the grown up children of friends are really like.

And I'm not saying this because he's a man. The arrangement is simply a mess. My own son works with vulnerable children and adults with learning difficulties.

I used nannies for his childcare - other than a present on his birthday none of them bought presents "just because" or gave him sweets.

Childminders

Childminders look after children in their own homes, and offer a range of educational activities for children to play and learn, try new things, develop social skills and make friends. Childminders:

https://www.lambeth.gov.uk/children-young-people-families/childcare-and-early-learning/your-childcare-options/childminders#:~:text=Unregistered%20childcare&text=All%20childminders%20must%20be%20registered,could%20be%20breaking%20the%20law.

ThinWomansBrain · 24/09/2023 16:02

the son has a much younger sibling, and has been used to your DD being around since he was mid teens, similarish period to the sibling - sounds like he treats them both equally, which is rather sweet.
It would seem a bit mean if he treated the sibling to ice cream/sweets and not your child.
Have you tried asking son/friend not to give her sweets?

Original poster
paardensharon · 24/09/2023 16:45

I just felt giving her a teddy was odd, I would understand if it was for a birthday for example but it wasnt and as I said he could've given it to his sister another time if he was worried about leaving her out. The sweets are also always in her bag so it's not like he gives them to his sister on the way home and gives them to DD also so she isn't left out.

OP posts:
WasIBad · 24/09/2023 18:32

MrsSkylerWhite · 24/09/2023 11:42

WasIBad · Yesterday 22:16

My immediate thought was grooming...”

Why?

I could well be being cynical. However, it wouldn't be the first time an adult has bought sweets and presents for a child with nefarious intentions.

MrsSkylerWhite · 25/09/2023 10:27

WasIBad · Yesterday 18:32

MrsSkylerWhite · Yesterday 11:42

WasIBad · Yesterday 22:16

My immediate thought was grooming...”

Why?

“I could well be being cynical. However, it wouldn't be the first time an adult has bought sweets and presents for a child with nefarious intentions”

Yes, you are cynical. Pretty offensive to people with 20 year old son’s, too. Would you be concerned were it a 20 year old woman?

SoSad44 · 25/09/2023 19:55

@MrsSkylerWhite seriously how naive are you? How many sex offenders are actually woman??

generally giving a young child sweets every day is not great childcare, but in this case I don’t understand why a 20 year old man has such an interest in a small child he is not related to. None of my male friends were that interested in small children in their 20ies. And why is he doing the pick-up? Nothing better to do??

WasIBad · 25/09/2023 20:19

Offensive to people who have 20 year old sons?? Why?! I'm not talking about their sons. Ridiculous.

Neverwatchedgameofthrones · 25/09/2023 20:25

There is only one person being weird here OP. Guess who I think it is? Not the poor sod who has tried to be nice and is being called a pedo for his troubles.

Gifgirl · 25/09/2023 22:45

SoSad44 · 25/09/2023 19:55

@MrsSkylerWhite seriously how naive are you? How many sex offenders are actually woman??

generally giving a young child sweets every day is not great childcare, but in this case I don’t understand why a 20 year old man has such an interest in a small child he is not related to. None of my male friends were that interested in small children in their 20ies. And why is he doing the pick-up? Nothing better to do??

Your post is disgusting.

I've worked in childcare for my entire adult life and I know plenty of guys who work in this field.

This 20 year old lad is collecting his sister and her friend FFS. Stop making every male out to be a freakin' child molester.

Robertplantgoddess · 25/09/2023 22:52

Approximately 1 in 10 sex offenders are women.

WillowCraft · 25/09/2023 23:08

Robertplantgoddess · 25/09/2023 22:52

Approximately 1 in 10 sex offenders are women.

Also, 4 in 10 sex offenders are children themselves

Samlewis96 · 05/03/2024 09:19

SoSad44 · 25/09/2023 19:55

@MrsSkylerWhite seriously how naive are you? How many sex offenders are actually woman??

generally giving a young child sweets every day is not great childcare, but in this case I don’t understand why a 20 year old man has such an interest in a small child he is not related to. None of my male friends were that interested in small children in their 20ies. And why is he doing the pick-up? Nothing better to do??

Hmm my son is now 20. Last summer at the age of 19 he worked in a summer camp in Austria. With the group of 5-7 year olds. Hope you are not suggesting he was grooming them. He is actually very good with small kids

Jewel52 · 06/03/2024 18:58

Samlewis96 · 05/03/2024 09:19

Hmm my son is now 20. Last summer at the age of 19 he worked in a summer camp in Austria. With the group of 5-7 year olds. Hope you are not suggesting he was grooming them. He is actually very good with small kids

Show quote history

The difference here is that your son was working in a group environment, was chosen for role and would’ve been subject to checks prior to employment. For me, and having read such sad stories on here from ops outlining how they were groomed and abused by individuals who were trusted by their family, any suspicion is enough. This 20 year old may be what he seems but he may also be something else - why take the risk? Quietly make other arrangements

Blueshirtfluffdog · 06/03/2024 19:02

Please note, MH. Not all men are out to hurt kids

@Gifgirl no, but 99% of people who want to hurt kids are men. Almost all sexual assault of children is by a man they know. It’s right to be alert, but not terrified.

Samlewis96 · 07/03/2024 08:26

Jewel52 · 06/03/2024 18:58

The difference here is that your son was working in a group environment, was chosen for role and would’ve been subject to checks prior to employment. For me, and having read such sad stories on here from ops outlining how they were groomed and abused by individuals who were trusted by their family, any suspicion is enough. This 20 year old may be what he seems but he may also be something else - why take the risk? Quietly make other arrangements

Show quote history

The post I was quoted was saying that young men were not interested in looking after / working with kids. . May be the case with some people but not all. And all the DBS check actually means is that the person hasn't been convicted of wrongdoing. My son has 2 of them as he has to get a separate one for doing kids football training.