To ask dad to pay for childcare

smoox · 2023-09-23T14:36:56+00:00

My 1 year old is enrolled in daycare 5 days a week, before I did this I asked her dad (shift worker) if he could ask for one set day off during the week to spend time with our child and also save me a bit of money on daycare fees. He said he couldn’t commit to one set day so I went ahead and booked childcare. He now has asked if he can take them out of daycare 1 day a week but it will change as to when his days off work are i.e. Monday one week and Wednesday the next week. I’m still going to have to pay for the full 5 days, even though the child will only be attending 4 days. AIBU to ask that he contributes something towards the day he’s taking her out of daycare?

Cakeandslippers · 23/09/2023 15:38

Why are you paying for it all?

FloweryName · 23/09/2023 15:41

He should be paying towards the childcare regardless of when he sees his child.

Theunamedcat · 23/09/2023 15:44

Not Unreasonable at all tell him you want 1/5 as it's wasted time and your paying for it

fruitbrewhaha · 23/09/2023 15:44

Are you not together? If you live together surely you are paying for childcare out of the family
pot which you both put your wages into? If you aren’t together does he pay maintenance? But your logic that he should pay for the day if he has her is odd.

lechatnoir · 23/09/2023 15:53

Can’t really vote as there isn’t an option for AIBU to think he should be paying his fair share of childcare costs REGARDLESS of how often he sees her.”

If you’re together then it comes out of the shared pot or if you don’t pool financiers then you should both be paying an amount based on % of earnings. If you’re not together this will need to come out of child maintenance.

Original poster

smoox · 23/09/2023 15:54

@Cakeandslippers trying to get money/help from him is like trying to get blood out of a stone

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MargotBamborough · 23/09/2023 15:56

You wouldn't be unreasonable to ask, but is it any more likely that he will agree to pay for this given that he should be paying for half of it anyway and isn't?

Cakeandslippers · 23/09/2023 15:56

In that case then your def not being unreasonable to expect the money back, however I think there is a bigger issue here which sounds really hard. I haven't got any useful advice but I know others will.

SouthLondonMum22 · 23/09/2023 16:00

He should be paying for half of it. If he refuses to pay for 1 day then I wouldn't agree to him taking her out of nursery.

Original poster

smoox · 23/09/2023 16:06

Update: he just told me if I want to put her in daycare so I can go out and work then that’s on me 🤣 sorry mister I can’t live off your £20 a week

don’t think he’s going to pay

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Ponderingwindow · 23/09/2023 16:06

he should be paying for half, not just one day

or really in percentage of your incomes

Ponderingwindow · 23/09/2023 16:07

This is your ex right, not a current partner?

Original poster

smoox · 23/09/2023 16:07

@lechatnoir no we’re not together & he’s dodging the books so cms have calculated it at £7pw but the kind gentleman gives me £20. He’s on benefits and gets £500 a week in cash but I can’t prove it 🤷‍♀️

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Original poster

smoox · 23/09/2023 16:08

@Ponderingwindow yes he’s my ex! I should’ve been more clear

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Original poster

smoox · 23/09/2023 16:10

i get help with childcare from UC and told him it works out around £7.50 a day but he’s still not having any of it 😭

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Atethehalloweenchocs · 23/09/2023 16:19

Why isnt he paying half?

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 23/09/2023 16:20

I think this is one of the major issues with child maintenance (or costs of childcare dependent on how you look at it). Childcare is so hugely expensive. Normally when couples are together it's a shared cost e.g. both pay £600 a month each, and it's a struggle. And then suddenly when you split, the resident parent has to pay all of it, even though the costs of maintenance are much less than half the costs of childcare. It's just not fair and means that the non resident parent can get to work however they want but the resident parent can't.

However to your question, I think whether yabu or not depends on how easy it is for him to get his shifts changed. If his company routinely consider and agree work requests for parents and he hasn't asked then he is being lazy. If his work don't really work like that (eg he is a nurse or something) then all you're doing is stopping him see his daughter

MargotBamborough · 23/09/2023 16:21

In that case I would tell him to go swivel.

MargotBamborough · 23/09/2023 16:23

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 23/09/2023 16:20

I think this is one of the major issues with child maintenance (or costs of childcare dependent on how you look at it). Childcare is so hugely expensive. Normally when couples are together it's a shared cost e.g. both pay £600 a month each, and it's a struggle. And then suddenly when you split, the resident parent has to pay all of it, even though the costs of maintenance are much less than half the costs of childcare. It's just not fair and means that the non resident parent can get to work however they want but the resident parent can't.

However to your question, I think whether yabu or not depends on how easy it is for him to get his shifts changed. If his company routinely consider and agree work requests for parents and he hasn't asked then he is being lazy. If his work don't really work like that (eg he is a nurse or something) then all you're doing is stopping him see his daughter

If he were a nurse he wouldn't be getting paid cash in hand so he can commit benefit fraud.

Original poster

smoox · 23/09/2023 16:28

@DrinkFeckArseBrick i used to work at the same company 🤣 I was legit though, only started claiming UC when I was on SMP. it is soooo easygoing, he could easily have got one set day off, he just clearly doesn’t want to.

I’m in 2 minds whether or not to tell him to do one. He only started seeing her again last month after 8 months of absence and now can’t commit to one day a week or even pay a decent amount towards her.

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Cowlover89 · 23/09/2023 16:30

Yanbu x

arethereanyleftatall · 23/09/2023 16:31

Maybe I'm naive, but can you not gather evidence for the police/government/cms that he is on £500 cash a week? This is your kids money he is stealing.

MargotBamborough · 23/09/2023 16:37

smoox · 23/09/2023 16:28

@DrinkFeckArseBrick i used to work at the same company 🤣 I was legit though, only started claiming UC when I was on SMP. it is soooo easygoing, he could easily have got one set day off, he just clearly doesn’t want to.

I’m in 2 minds whether or not to tell him to do one. He only started seeing her again last month after 8 months of absence and now can’t commit to one day a week or even pay a decent amount towards her.

If he works for a company and you think he's being paid cash in hand then you should be reporting the company.

Aren't his texts about only getting one day off a week proof that he's working more hours than the taxman thinks he's working?

SausageAndEggSandwich · 23/09/2023 16:41

I would say no

He only wants to see your DD when it's convenient to him

Parenting is 24/7 not just when you can be arsed

If he's not bothered about putting in the minimal effort now to see your DD 1 set day a week then he's clearly one of these useless flaky dads and he's gonna continue to let her down.

I'm not sure I see the benefit in a dad who dips in and out of her life ☹️

gamerchick · 23/09/2023 16:45

smoox · 23/09/2023 15:54

@Cakeandslippers trying to get money/help from him is like trying to get blood out of a stone

Tell him no you can't do that. Just as he said no he can't do that. Current contact stands. It's a control thing anyway and then you find that on the days they're supposed to have the kids at their request. They let you down last minute. So you're fucked for your own job.

Just no.