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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask dad to pay for childcare

61 replies

smoox · 23/09/2023 15:36

My 1 year old is enrolled in daycare 5 days a week, before I did this I asked her dad (shift worker) if he could ask for one set day off during the week to spend time with our child and also save me a bit of money on daycare fees. He said he couldn’t commit to one set day so I went ahead and booked childcare. He now has asked if he can take them out of daycare 1 day a week but it will change as to when his days off work are i.e. Monday one week and Wednesday the next week.

I’m still going to have to pay for the full 5 days, even though the child will only be attending 4 days. AIBU to ask that he contributes something towards the day he’s taking her out of daycare?

OP posts:
Original poster
smoox · 23/09/2023 16:48

@gamerchick selfishly I’d like to spend some time with her at the weekend as that’s my only time off, he usually gets 1 day off at the weekend so he would be expecting her then and I’m so torn with what to do. There hasn’t been a specific contact arrangement set up, just as and when he liked and when suited me. I’m only starting a 9-5 next week so this is all new

OP posts:
MargotBamborough · 23/09/2023 16:54

In that case say yes if it suits you and no if it doesn't, and shop his employer for paying cash in hand.

junbean · 23/09/2023 18:29

He ought to be paying half anyway. But for whatever reason he's not then yes he needs to pay for that day. Sounds like he can't control his schedule, but isn't it nice he wants to spend time with his child?

Original poster
smoox · 23/09/2023 19:09

@junbean he has 2 older kids and pays for half of their school uniforms/activities etc and I can’t get £40 a month to cover childcare while I pay the remaining £160 lol it’s a joke

OP posts:
MargotBamborough · 23/09/2023 19:13

Your childcare costs £200 a month?

marniemae · 23/09/2023 19:19

MargotBamborough · 23/09/2023 19:13

Your childcare costs £200 a month?

UC will be paying for the majority of it along with all the benefits her and her ex are getting

Original poster
smoox · 23/09/2023 19:36

@MargotBamborough @marniemae yeah i think because I qualify for around £80 a month UC then 85% of childcare is paid for

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 23/09/2023 19:48

Right. So by not reporting this fraud, your kids father gets to steal from his own child plus the tax payer. Lovely.

BananaSlug · 23/09/2023 19:49

No he doesn’t need to pay half. Legally he only has to pay what cms say. I get £7 a month for 4 kids.

BananaSlug · 23/09/2023 19:50

My ex also earns money on the side but no way am I reporting him and most people have told me to just let it go.

Fairymcclary · 23/09/2023 19:53

If he’s been cash in hand for a while report him to HMRC (not cms) especially if you have examples of lifestyle not fitting with his earnings. Or if you know where he does his cash in hand work. HMRC are far more bothered than CMS.

MargotBamborough · 23/09/2023 20:01

BananaSlug · 23/09/2023 19:50

My ex also earns money on the side but no way am I reporting him and most people have told me to just let it go.

Why on earth would you not report him? What he is doing is illegal. He is defrauding the taxpayer and withholding money that rightfully belongs to your children, for their welfare.

Original poster
smoox · 23/09/2023 20:02

Oh don’t worry I’ve reported now just waiting to see if anything’s going to be done about it. So far it’s been 9 months and nothings happened 🤷‍♀️ not going to hold my breath

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 23/09/2023 20:04

smoox · 23/09/2023 20:02

Oh don’t worry I’ve reported now just waiting to see if anything’s going to be done about it. So far it’s been 9 months and nothings happened 🤷‍♀️ not going to hold my breath

Wow!! Who did you report him to?

Original poster
smoox · 23/09/2023 20:08

@arethereanyleftatall HMRC and CMS. I provided CMS with lots of evidence of his income and lifestyle and they still said it’s not enough to refer it for investigation so I gave up. Waiting to see if HMRC will do anything

OP posts:
BananaSlug · 23/09/2023 20:13

MargotBamborough · 23/09/2023 20:01

Why on earth would you not report him? What he is doing is illegal. He is defrauding the taxpayer and withholding money that rightfully belongs to your children, for their welfare.

Show quote history

No proof. Been told by people to just let it go and reporting it makes me “bitter” I won’t be reporting.

Original poster
smoox · 23/09/2023 20:16

@BananaSlug I had that belief for a while. Reporting definitely doesn’t make you bitter. If you’re being mugged off then it’s just right that he gets found out

OP posts:
BananaSlug · 23/09/2023 20:17

I have no proof. It seems like you have evidence? I don’t and we are bot in contact.

Original poster
smoox · 23/09/2023 20:18

@BananaSlug you don’t need hard evidence to report to HMRC. Just a description of what they’re doing/if you know where they’re working etc

OP posts:
gogomoto · 23/09/2023 20:38

If a child persistently misses childcare funded by uc they can reduce the payments, officially they only pay of you use the session(s). Occasionally missing for sickness is different

PinkMoscatoLover · 23/09/2023 20:52

gogomoto · 23/09/2023 20:38

If a child persistently misses childcare funded by uc they can reduce the payments, officially they only pay of you use the session(s). Occasionally missing for sickness is different

That’s not true at all.

Most nurseries take payment a month in advance. In order to receive the 85% childcare, UC ask for the dates that you’ve paid for. Yesterday I paid the nursery fees and the dates on the receipt says 25th Sep - 27th Oct.

Once I submit that receipt, DD can have 15 days off during that period. UC aren’t interested in absences and whatnot because you’ve still had to pay for those dates. As long as you provide the information that they’ve given, they will pay 85%

PinkMoscatoLover · 23/09/2023 20:53

Anyway OP, what I was going to say was if UC are paying you 85% of the costs, then you’re not losing out on that much money. My childcare costs are £564 a month and I probably top up £20 a month or something like that.

If he won’t commit to the same day to have DD and won’t pay for the day lost on top of that, can you still manage to pay the top up that you already do? How much do you have to pay to cover the shortfall?

Original poster
smoox · 23/09/2023 20:58

@PinkMoscatoLover the fees are around £1000ish and I pay around £200… if he contributed it for that one day then I’d be paying £160 and have an extra £40 a month to play with. Tbh the £40 wouldn’t even cover the cost of parking 4 days a month as i would have to drop her off to his house and park in the city centre rather than just getting the bus like I plan on doing when she’s in daycare 🤷‍♀️

OP posts:
MargotBamborough · 23/09/2023 21:04

Why would you have to drop her off at his house?

Original poster
smoox · 23/09/2023 21:07

@MargotBamborough he would 100% not pick her up from mine at 7:30am and his argument would be that I have to travel into the city for work anyway, essentially passing by his house, so could drop her off on my way… I live about 30 minutes from him

OP posts:
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