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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think WFH means you're at work

85 replies

windywood · 23/09/2023 14:21

I work from home 2 days per week and am in the office the other 3 days. DP doesn't work, their choice. They have income from other sources.

The nature of my work requires me to be at my desk continually when working from home, unless I have arranged cover (ie during my breaks). Think along the lines of receiving emergency services calls. It's the sort of job where I have to be working during my shift; I can't stop working for a while during the day and it doesn't matter because my manager will be happy as long as the work "gets done" later that evening for example. By the evening that work will be gone. It's a demand-led job that's very much in the moment.

I get 2x 15 min breaks, 1 in the morning and 1 in the afternoon, and a 30 min lunch break. Often by the time I have been to the toilet, made my lunch, replied to any personal emails or messages, taken the dog out if necessary, my breaktime is over and I need to go back to work.

Yesterday DP was out all day and came home just as I was finishing my afternoon break and heading back to my desk. They asked if I had sorted the laundry, I said no I haven't had a chance. This led to a huge argument about how I had been at home all day why haven't I done the laundry. I said I'd been at work but could sort it once I finished at 5pm.

DP's response was that they had also "been at work" (because we have a significant life change coming up soon so they had been out doing some of the admin we need to prepare for it). The argument finished with DP saying, "I would like you to sort out the laundry when you're at home". They said that I expect them to do everything. I said I don't, I just can't always do laundry during my working day but am of course happy to do it after I finish work for the day.

Who is being unreasonable?

OP posts:

ReplyPost · 23/09/2023 21:43

Brother-in-law and wife used to share chores when they both worked. He retired but his wife works from home, full-time. He does all the cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping etc. He said it's only fair that he does 100% of the household chores since he isn't working and his wife has a full-time job. Your partner doesn't work so they should be doing all of the household chores.

Sunshinenrain · 23/09/2023 21:52

She is being VU!

Work is work, it doesn’t matter if you’re at home, in the office or in a classroom.

Inertia · 23/09/2023 22:28

If partner/partners live /lives with you but still doesn’t/don’t understand that your job means you don’t have time to sort laundry during your working day, it doesn’t bode well for your relationship.

Why do/does they/them think that that them/ they gets to give orders about laundry anyway? If multiple partners they can share the chore, surely??

CambridgeLass · 23/09/2023 22:32

ManuelBensonsLeftBoot · 23/09/2023 14:53

If the imminent 'life change' is getting married think long and hard about tying yourself to someone who thinks this way.

I agree with this.

Your DP is being unreasonable.

Coyoacan · 24/09/2023 04:11

It's mad that your DP doesn't understand about your job. Have you two only been together for five minutes?

LadyBitsnBobs · 24/09/2023 04:25

DP is unreasonable. I wfh and I do my share - up at 6am so I can deal with pets, prep packed lunches and slow cooker or veg for dinner, fold laundry if it was drying indoors overnight or hang it on the line if we the washing machine was on timer ready for a.m.
But in the day I am working .

OfficerChurlish · 24/09/2023 04:49

Your partner has unreasonable expectations; if you were going out to an office during your working hours and coming home at the end of the workday, these things wouldn't even be a question. Can you just categorically state what you've said here, that you work on a tight schedule and manage a high volume of incoming calls (or whatever you do) and your breaks just give you enough time to take care of yourself so you can get through the work day? (You should only have to say this once - you know what your day looks like and what responsibilities you have and your partner apparently has no idea. )

IF your partner believes that they are generally carrying more of the burden of shared household/family tasks than you are on an ongoing basis, then that's something to discuss seriously - but in the spirit of comparing schedules and looking for a compromise solution, not of one of you micromanaging the other.

LusaBatoosa · 24/09/2023 05:04

Your DP is being an idiot.

BeenThereDoneThat101 · 24/09/2023 05:24

Your dp’s job should be to do all the housework. If they don’t like that they need to get a job.

tbh I would be massively turned off by someone who chooses not to work.
unless they’re a stay at home parent choosing not to work would show them as lazy which is deeply unattractive in my eyes.

OlizraWiteomQua · 24/09/2023 05:29

Your partner is being unreasonable in this situation but it's clearly because they haven't managed to focus their attention on anything other than themselves sufficiently to have a clue what your job entails. Are they a selfish idiot in other ways too?

Certainly there are plenty of WFH jobs which are compatible with getting a fair bit of housework done. Luckily DH and I both have that kind and for us the laundry sorting generally gets done durng a boring Teams meeting that we are allowed to attend with camera off, or just during a quiet moment because I can just as easily ponder how to solve a complex work problern whilst keeping my hands busy pairing socks. But I obviously appreciate that not all wfh jobs are like this and someone who doesn't realise this to the point of having a huge argument about it has got to be incredibly self-centred.

PerfectMatch · 24/09/2023 05:32

Clearly YANBU. Have you shown your partner this thread?

MumsGoneToIceland · 24/09/2023 05:47

YANBU at all to not do laundry through the day but it does sound like your DP feels everything is on them. Could this not be easily resolved with some discussion and forward planning though?

DH and I have a rota on who is in charge of morning dog walk, laundry, ensuring kids have left for school on time etc before work for each day. Is it not as simple as agreeing a morning rota of who puts it on before work, most machines have a timer feature on when it finishes if you don’t want it sitting wet in the machine all day. Why not put it on before bed on timer so it finishes before you start work and can hang it out before work starts?

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 24/09/2023 06:29

He is being unreasonable and a complete and utter jerk as well.

I had one of those jobs, call centre in insurance. No way would I have been able to just leave my desk during work hours.

But it's hardly surprising given he has the freedom to not work. He doesn't actually understand what it is like and never will.

If you want to stay with him you will need to head into the office every day, WFH won't be possible with his ignorance and unreasonable demands

Gorjus · 24/09/2023 06:54

(Off-topic) OP refers to their to partner as "they". Perhaps that is their partner's preferred pronoun. It may also be the OP's.

BarbaraofSeville · 24/09/2023 08:37

That could well be so @Gorjus. However, it makes the post read like nonsense, but in any case, it doesn't matter what sex/gender either party is.

The OP can't do laundry during working hours, therefore the DP is unreasonable to expect the OP to have done this.

Who is being unreasonable at a wider level would depend on the overall split of household work and time/energy available of both parties. Also the urgency of the laundry. Does it just need doing as a matter of routine, has the OP supposed to have been doing it for days and it needs to be done before they go on holiday today, or something in between.

But if the OP is at work and the DP doesn't work, it would make sense for the DP to do the laundry as it can be timed to coincide with decent weather, put on in the morning then hung out when ready. It would also seem reasonable that the DP takes the dog out during the OPs working day, unless there's also a relevant back story here too.

Neolara · 24/09/2023 08:47

I think it's odd that your dp doesn't appear to understand the nature of your job. Presumably you've talked to them multiple times just in general discussion about the fact you can't leave your desk. So what's peculiar is that they don't appear to have understood or that they don't believe you.

NoSquirrels · 24/09/2023 08:50

You aren’t unreasonable to not do laundry on your breaks.

You might be unreasonable if you never do laundry or pull your weight generally.

Your DP sounds unreasonable ordering you to do anything.

caringcarer · 24/09/2023 08:59

Your partner is being very unreasonable. You were working and only get half an hour for lunch break. You are doing a good job and are trustworthy to WFH. Your partner has no respect for your job. In future I'd do your own laundry after work and tell your partner to do their own. Some people take the piss whilst WFH. Last week one person was working out, doing all the laundry and prepping and cooking an evening meal, all in work time.

caringcarer · 24/09/2023 09:08

LadyBitsnBobs · 24/09/2023 04:25

This is what my dh does too get up walks his dogs, sorts clothes and breakfast for DS then at 8pm he is at his desk for work. I drive DS 1 hour to college then return home, then I have a coffee then do some jobs at home like clearing away breakfast dishes into dishwasher, wipe surfaces, fold laundry, chop veg for evening meal. DH pops down for lunch for an hour takes his dogs out for quick walk, eats a sandwich or some soup, then back to his desk upstairs. I go to collect DS from college. Come back get on laundry to wash, run vacuum around. Then DH finishes work and if fine will run mower over 1/2 grass in back garden.

Sweetieban · 24/09/2023 09:17

They are - but I do get where they’re coming from. DH and I both work from home. I do a lot of housework during my working day (walking past the kitchen I put the dishwasher on/ a wash on/ hang wet washing up), he does none. Absolutely none. It drives me bonkers. He is great in other ways, but this is a thing that does annoy me.

But I see that it’s harder for you with only 15 mins breaks. But I do see their perspective.

pinkfondu · 24/09/2023 09:18

He's a dick, can you opt to work from the office ft?

BeenThereDoneThat101 · 24/09/2023 15:20

Sorry but I don’t see why the OP should have to be doing any of the housework.

The dp doesn’t work. That therefore makes them the house husband/wife and IMO responsible for all of the chores.

If they are both working then I agree re division of chores. But they’re not. And from what the OP says the dp doesn’t work through choice, therefore they should be doing the housework etc while OP is at work.

Coyoacan · 24/09/2023 16:03

I'm not certainly how this applies when the OP is not financially supporting her partner but if I were independently wealthy I would at least have a cleaner

ReplyPost · 24/09/2023 19:52

My retired brother-in-law does the chores while his wife is working. When she finishes work they are both free to do things they enjoy. He likes having more time to spend with her.

Original poster

windywood · 25/09/2023 16:00

Thanks everyone for your replies.

I’m posting during my 15 min afternoon break from work.

DP arrived home an hour ago and texted me to ask if the dog had been out, I replied no.

They said “why? I’m just home” and I explained I’m not always able to take him out when I’m at work and that he hadn’t asked to go out anyway.

DP has now said that it would “just help me if you were willing to help out. Thousands/millions of people work from home and take their dogs out”.

I explained that I am willing to help out but due to the nature of my job I can’t leave my desk. They responded “do you not leave it to go to the toilet yourself?”

They also said “if it was something you wanted to do, you could”.

AIBU?

OP posts:

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