To think WFH means you're at work

[windywood]

I work from home 2 days per week and am in the office the other 3 days. DP doesn't work, their choice. They have income from other sources.

The nature of my work requires me to be at my desk continually when working from home, unless I have arranged cover (ie during my breaks). Think along the lines of receiving emergency services calls. It's the sort of job where I have to be working during my shift; I can't stop working for a while during the day and it doesn't matter because my manager will be happy as long as the work "gets done" later that evening for example. By the evening that work will be gone. It's a demand-led job that's very much in the moment.

I get 2x 15 min breaks, 1 in the morning and 1 in the afternoon, and a 30 min lunch break. Often by the time I have been to the toilet, made my lunch, replied to any personal emails or messages, taken the dog out if necessary, my breaktime is over and I need to go back to work.

Yesterday DP was out all day and came home just as I was finishing my afternoon break and heading back to my desk. They asked if I had sorted the laundry, I said no I haven't had a chance. This led to a huge argument about how I had been at home all day why haven't I done the laundry. I said I'd been at work but could sort it once I finished at 5pm.

DP's response was that they had also "been at work" (because we have a significant life change coming up soon so they had been out doing some of the admin we need to prepare for it). The argument finished with DP saying, "I would like you to sort out the laundry when you're at home". They said that I expect them to do everything. I said I don't, I just can't always do laundry during my working day but am of course happy to do it after I finish work for the day.

Who is being unreasonable?

Your partner is a dick for thinking they know your workload and work commitments better than you do, regardless of WFH or not.

I WFH but largely set my own hours, depending what timezone I'm working in. I certainly don't have to be at my desk all the time. On slower days I can do laundry, go for a run, even pop out to meet friends for coffee/lunch/drinks (obviously I would let my team know if I'm planning to be offline for a notable length of time). I manage my own workload almost entirely.

But on hectic days I'll often be tied to my desk from morning into the evening with barely the chance to even make myself coffee. Such is the nature of my job.

DP trusts that I know the demands of my job better than he does and would never dream of asking why I hadn't done the laundry if I'd had a hectic day, just because I'd been able to do it the previosu week.

Does your life change involve tying yourself long term to this man? He sounds like a bit of an arse? ArW you sure you are doing the right thing?

Your partner is clearly very unreasonable here.

This is whole heaps of wrong. Who made him the boss of you. Tell him to get fucked and just do your own laundry in your own time.

It's concerning that you are unsure if he/she/they is being unreasonable

FYI - he she they are being unreasonable

YANBU.

DP sounds a bit thick

They are. I've said this to my DH first and he quickly said he'd been on back to back calls all day and barely had time to eat. I said ok and said no more about it.

Your DP is being unreasonable. I would make noises about looking to return to working in the office full time if they can't grasp the fact that you are "working". You don't have to mean it, but it might help them to get their thought processes in order.

My dh worked from home a few days a week before it was even a thing.
Never did it occur to me to ask him to do any house related chores during his working day.

My ds works from home now and he cannot just leave his office when he feels like it.

I would tell your dp that asking you to do laundry because your at wfh is no different to ringing you up at work and asking the same.
And they don't do that do they?

I agree with you. My work is flexible but I try not to do housework during work hours, just because I need to separate work and home life.

A lot people (especially on here) see being able to do loads of washing during the day as a big plus though so I guess I see where DP is coming from.

Your dp is clearly being unreasonable

you shouldn’t feel guilty or justify to her why you haven’t done the laundry or anything else.

My colleague always gave her DH a load of jobs to do when he was WFH. He has now chosen to go back to the office. I don’t blame him!

Your DP needs to accept the terms of your WFH job.

Some people have WFH jobs where they can take their breaks flexibly, take 10 minutes out their morning to do a quick house job and then make the time later.

If he can't/won't accept that then he's making it clear he doesn't value your work and considers you the default domestic person.

But do you actually do your fair share of laundry/housework etc? Based on what you've described I'd expect your DP does the majority, but is your share still reasonable? Obviously expecting you to do housework during the working day isn't reasonable if your breaks are so regimented. But do you do your fair share generally and did you then go and put the laundry on that evening after work?

I only say this because it sort of sounds similar to some conversations I've had with DH. My point wasn't about when he did it, but more about how he'd say he'd do something later and then just not do it. So I suspect there will have been times when I was trying to impose totally unreasonable timelines on him but only as a result of him repeatedly not doing his fair share and not following through when he said he would do something later...

Maybe a chat with your DP is in order to list out all the house jobs and come up with a fair split you both agree on? Also agree on the regularity that it needs to happen and then trust eachother to make sure it happens.

When I WFH I use my commute time as the time to get some housework done, put a wash on or maybe just go to the gym. During my workday I'm actually working and I do not have the time to spend on laundry, watching tv or running errands like many on MN a seem to fit in.

I@windywood

I can't see why your "D"P got their panties in a bunch about the Laundry; it was going to get done - by you - when you finished at 5pm anyway. Who made them the boss of you? Why, supposedly adult - can they not understand that the nature of your job means you need to be actively working/on duty during your busy, demand-led job?

If this is a consistent sample of what relationship is like, perhaps you should consider what future you have with someone who is so disrespectful to you. 🌹

Invite your partner to shadow you during an entire shift, to get a realistic idea of what's involved.

Why make this assumption, and pick the OP up on being ‘coy’? The OP can describe their partner in any way they want. Most posters have managed to respect this.

Nothing to do with respect. Most people don't use they to describe their partners unless they are polygamous, or are choosing not to share the sex of their partner. Most people who choose not to share the sex of their partner do so because they believe that doing so will influence replies. So the OP may believe that by saying the partner is a woman, the replies would be less supportive of the OP than if people believe the partner is a man.
Some posters use hiding the sex of their partner as some such of gotcha double standards reveal, which is tiresome.

I seem to be overly distracted by the "total life change" you have coming up and "other income streams" as to why he can't sort the laundry?

,

.......and the mumsnet CFer award goes to your partner OP.

You are not a doormat, so you should not tolerate this type of behaviour from them........carry on like that and they will find themselves dumped as well as jobless.

What’s this?

@AnxiousPangolin it's a really annoying thing people do who haven't worked out how to watch a thread.

Ffs, are people really still doing that? So 2019.