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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not do school pick ups everyday?

90 replies

tgodtaylor · 23/09/2023 10:04

My neighbour is a single mum to a 4 yo. I'm also a single mum to a teen and a 10 year old.

She works until 5:30, for the first few weeks her boss was letting her finish early to collect him as he finished at lunchtime but soon he'll be doing full time and she won't be able to finish early. She's asked if I can pick him up as he goes to the same school as my 10 yo. The problem is, I don't really do pick up anymore as his school isn't far away and it's close to my teens school, he usually walks with him.

She's also wants me to keep him here until she picks him up at around 6, she mentioned how he gets along with the 10 yo, they do but I don't think he'll want to be entertaining him constantly. We live opposite a field so when she sees DS is there she will send her child which DS doesn't like as he wants to play football with his own friends, not look after a 4 yo. He's going to secondary school next year so once that happens I think he's less likely to want to spend time with a then 5 year old.

I do help her out at times with looking after him if she has an appointment and when he was unwell so she couldn't go out, I went out and got shopping and medication for her etc.

What would you do?

OP posts:
WeWereInParis · 23/09/2023 11:46

I don't think it's cheeky for her to just ask.

It's extremely cheeky. She's not just asking for help walking him home, she's asking for him to be looked after for a couple of hours for free every single day after school

Tacocatgoatcheesepizza · 23/09/2023 12:04

Hellodarknessmyoldpal · 23/09/2023 11:39

A very short 'hi i don't do school runs anymore so i won't be able to help. Hope you get something sorted'.

No long messages or justifying your (entirely reasonable) response. Then at a later time I'd also make it clear that her 4yo isn't being supervised by your 10yo while playing outside.

Absolutely this. Don’t get bogged down with excuses and reasons.

LuckySantangelo35 · 23/09/2023 12:06

Don’t do it op

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 23/09/2023 12:28

"I'm sorry but that's not going to work for me". Don't let her take advantage of you. If you feel you have to explain further point out that it's not fair on your DC to make them responsible for an unrelated 4yo.

Redlarge · 23/09/2023 12:35

Tell her to ask the childs dad for help.

HowcanIhelp123 · 23/09/2023 12:52

I'd tell her straight, you don't do any school pick ups to be able to pick her 4yo up, your 10yo walks himself. If she asks if 4yo can tag along say of course not, no way would you ever make a 10yo responsible for a 4yo. She needs to source herself some childcare.

jannier · 23/09/2023 13:05

I'd say as he's year 6 he does his own school run and doesn't want to be around a 4 year old all the time or be responsible for one. Your neighbour can look at eligibility to get up to 85% of her childcare bill paid.

SkinnyMalinkyLankyLegs · 23/09/2023 13:07

The cheek! I wouldn't even impose on my own family like this! Lots of good ideas on this thread already about how to say no.

twoshedsjackson · 23/09/2023 13:18

As well as telling her that you don't do the school run any more, as your DS is (quite rightly) growing more independent, you could point out that, by this time next year, he won't be at that school any more, so she needs to get something sorted now.
PP's suggestions of making this positive and helpful by pointing out alternatives will hopefully keep things friendly.
If there are "last minute emergencies", you could consider breaking the pattern by not being available at the end of the school day: straight to the barber's for a trim after school, off to get new shoes fitted, dental appointment, over to a friend's house for tea and a playdate, visiting grandparents, whatever suits your circumstances.; enough uncertainty to prevent you becoming the default option.

Original poster
tgodtaylor · 23/09/2023 13:28

I was wondering if I'd BU by saying no as I was a single mum from when my children were 3 and 8 so I know it's hard. I was working 3 evenings a week, i’d do bedtime and I was lucky enough that my mum would come over and keep an ear out if either of them woke up.

She doesn't have any family support as they live hours away and the child's dad isn't involved. She said she can't afford a child minder and the after school club is full but it finishes at 4:30/5 so she still would need childcare.

OP posts:
cadburyegg · 23/09/2023 13:34

I'm a single mum to an 8 and 5 year old and no way in hell would I agree to looking after another kid every day after school. I help out my friends in emergencies and one offs as a favour, but it's reciprocal. I arranged necessary childcare when I started my new job earlier this year and negotiated my hours accordingly. I don't want another family reliant on me and vice versa. And I know how difficult it is to organise childcare, my two were on the waiting list for ASC for 18 months.

TomatoSandwiches · 23/09/2023 13:36

This isn't your problem and it's not as if she hasn't known since the day he was born that school happens so she has had plenty of time to sort out her responsibilities herself.

jeaux90 · 23/09/2023 13:41

OP as a lone parent myself I'd always help in an emergency but she needs to sort this herself. Go back to after school club and tell them the situation maybe they can help. Swap term time help with a parent who needs weekend cover etc.

She also needs to negotiate with work or find a different job.

Thelnebriati · 23/09/2023 13:41

Those of us who don't have family support have to pay for childcare! Your circumstances aren't relevant - this is a hell of an ask for anything more than a one off, and she hasn't even offered to pay you.

Maray1967 · 23/09/2023 13:42

You either do it or you explain clearly that you can’t. What on earth did she think she was going to do?

greengreengrass25 · 23/09/2023 13:45

No it's not on

What has she offered you for doing this?

It isn't a 2 way street

forrestgreen · 23/09/2023 14:26

tgodtaylor · 23/09/2023 13:28

I was wondering if I'd BU by saying no as I was a single mum from when my children were 3 and 8 so I know it's hard. I was working 3 evenings a week, i’d do bedtime and I was lucky enough that my mum would come over and keep an ear out if either of them woke up.

She doesn't have any family support as they live hours away and the child's dad isn't involved. She said she can't afford a child minder and the after school club is full but it finishes at 4:30/5 so she still would need childcare.

So what was her plan... just to pressure and guilt trip you into five years of unpaid childcare?

BlibBlabBlob · 23/09/2023 14:32

Christ so she's waited until AFTER her son has started school to try and arrange after-school childcare? Which she can't afford anyway?

I mean seriously, what was she thinking would happen here?

OP please please do NOT sign up to be free childcare for 3-4 hours, five days per week. My amazing MIL does this twice a week for her daughter (my nephew is 6) and SIL is very very grateful and wouldn't dare ask for more! Plus of course she books him into after school club if MIL is away on holiday. And that's caring for her own grandson, not a neighbour's kid.

I feel for this kid so much, his life would be better if you DID say yes. He'd have some stability and be cared for properly when with you and you'd probably end up giving him dinner five days a week and helping him with his homework/reading and keeping him overnight when she had to 'unexpectedly' work late - including doing breakfast the next day and the morning school run!

But this is not reasonable. Not at ALL. And you need to say a firm no. Perhaps you are now WFH and can't supervise a young child, if you feel you need an excuse? And obviously your 10 year old is not going to be suitable for providing childcare either - and he absolutely should not have to.

I got into a slightly similar situation when DD was 6. Her best friend had a chaotic home life and was very happy at our house. We'd have her here for three days straight, I'd make sure she took a shower and fed her and helped with homework and read her a story at bedtime. I even bought her clothes and shoes when she didn't have ones that fit or they were worn out. But it was foolish of me to slip into that pattern because ultimately we were not her family and eventually this child's mother - my very CF 'friend' - fell out with me over nothing and started dumping her children on someone else instead. DD was heartbroken, and her poor friend had to cope with the upheaval and loss of her friend too. Don't be tempted to make a similar mistake!

Fallingthroughclouds · 23/09/2023 14:45

tgodtaylor · 23/09/2023 13:28

I was wondering if I'd BU by saying no as I was a single mum from when my children were 3 and 8 so I know it's hard. I was working 3 evenings a week, i’d do bedtime and I was lucky enough that my mum would come over and keep an ear out if either of them woke up.

She doesn't have any family support as they live hours away and the child's dad isn't involved. She said she can't afford a child minder and the after school club is full but it finishes at 4:30/5 so she still would need childcare.

It's really rubbish, but it's just not your responsibility. She's going to have to find a way of affording a childminder or cut her hours.

Prinnny · 23/09/2023 14:49

Sounds like she’s trying to guilt trip you into it OP, you need to be honest with her it’s a massive commitment, she’s a proper CF to even ask!

penpep · 23/09/2023 14:49

Just say no! Not your problem! She will find someone else to latch on to.

Nevermind31 · 23/09/2023 15:12

Not your problem. And surely she had less child care now than before? I would be very very firm now, otherwise you also e d up with caring for her child during g the holidays…

ChChChCherryBomb · 23/09/2023 15:13

tgodtaylor · 23/09/2023 13:28

I was wondering if I'd BU by saying no as I was a single mum from when my children were 3 and 8 so I know it's hard. I was working 3 evenings a week, i’d do bedtime and I was lucky enough that my mum would come over and keep an ear out if either of them woke up.

She doesn't have any family support as they live hours away and the child's dad isn't involved. She said she can't afford a child minder and the after school club is full but it finishes at 4:30/5 so she still would need childcare.

Sounds like she’s making up excuses so that she doesn’t have to pay for childcare.

All the wraparound care I’ve ever used finishes at 6pm.

TheGoogleMum · 23/09/2023 15:18

It's hard but it isn't your problem to solve. We chose a primary school with wraparound - even then it ends earlier than ideal (5pm) but other schools nearer didn't even have that. She has to change her hours or get a childminder to make it work. Personally I'm changing my hours to make it work.

sodthesodoff · 23/09/2023 15:28

It's not your problem.

Why is she telling you all the excuses she has?

It's not your problem

You can have every sympathy but do not allow her to make it your problem to solve. It isn't.

What was she planning to do for the rest of primary school?!

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