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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

ENDING FALLOUT WITH SIBLING WHEN I DONT THINK ITS MY FAULT

52 replies

Soddingcat · 23/09/2023 08:20

About a year ago following over Christmas we hosted my sibling and his family

My mum a few weeks later asked me on the phone about something my DH had apparently done regarding serving food . Their kids have allergies and we are always very careful and i knew what id been told was not true.

I subsequently sent a brief polite message to DB asking him about it, i said id like to try and find out why this was said because it was inaccurate.
We were due to host the entire family again soon and i wanted to sort it out before then..
I was completely baffled by the allegation as i knew it wasn't true as i was there, as was my daughter

He ignored my message but had read it.
I sent another one, again polite, just wondering if he had had a chance to think about it and let me know as i was keen to resolve
Again no answer.
He messaged me about something else a few days later.

DB has a history of being quite arrogant /high handed and always thinks he is right,
He is a very clever educated man and has always been very dismissive of people and their opinions and ive always been made to feel a bit unworthy

When at mums house i asked him if we could have a quick chat about it and he walked away from me and said he did not wish to discuss it

I was so cross by this point that i did raise my voice and ask why on earth he would not discuss it.
I was furious he had walked away from me,
I am a very calm person normally but was upset that he appeared to care so little for me he did not have the decency to talk it through

We kept out each others way and that is that

Mum said DB is upset that im now distant.
She will not see my reasoning.
I tried to sort it out several times nicely, and he refused to engage
I do not like rows or drama so i plan to just keep my distance and be polite/ cordial when we meet.

Mum is a real people pleaser and has always brushed all bad behaviour under the carpet, she hates any discord, so all must be forgotten and moved on from.
I have explained that this no longer works for me, and for years DB has made rude remarks and im expected to tolerate it because “ he doesn't” mean anything by it
She wants us to move on and be friends,
I said ill always love him, but he upsets me so i prefer to keep away.

DB has made no attempt to try and resolve this.

What should i do ?
There is no dramatics in this from me, just a need to keep away so im not left feeling upset with him when we spend time together

Really im upset at feeling dismissed and not listened too

OP posts:
Original poster
Soddingcat · 23/09/2023 08:21

Im going to work soon so cant reply till later

OP posts:
LittleBearPad · 23/09/2023 08:23

There is no dramatics in this from me

You sure?

SkippySkip · 23/09/2023 08:23

If you are always seeing DM and DB then you need to put it behind you.
If you don't just get on with your life. It's up to you.

SkippySkip · 23/09/2023 08:25

My DM wanted happy families - once she died we saw little of each other but remained friends. Really we siblings had little in common.

Goodornot · 23/09/2023 08:25

It seems as though your DB didn't want you to know what he said and your mum shouldn't have told you.

Since then DB has not been hostile, he just doesn't want to talk about it and seems to consider the matter closed.

I am not seeing fall out at all here. I can see that you are trying to start a fall out. Just drop it.

DisforDarkChocolate · 23/09/2023 08:26

I think if you ignore this he will keep on being dismissive of you, do you want your children to see you accept this?

Original poster
Soddingcat · 23/09/2023 08:28

I really am not trying to start one , quite the opposite,
I was cross about how dismissive he is , mum brought it up not me
I will be not mentioning it again to him

OP posts:
Original poster
Soddingcat · 23/09/2023 08:30

I will not accept it no and ive explained to DD, he is rude and if he wants to say sorry then fine, but im over it
It is just mum saying how upset he is about it, i think if he was then wht not contact me

OP posts:
Goodornot · 23/09/2023 08:32

It was a year ago. What's the point in keeping on dragging it up now.

2jacqi · 23/09/2023 08:32

well dont invite him back!! problem solved. he wont speak to you anyway!! what is the backstory though cos it looks like a lot has been omitted. no one can really judge unless they know whats happened!

Goodornot · 23/09/2023 08:33

If he does something similar again, don't host again.

SkippySkip · 23/09/2023 08:33

You have been brought up wiht a DM that's panders to unpleasant people for a peaceful and 'happy' life. This is the problem really. You say he has always been arrogant and superior so nothing new.
She is ignoring your feelings. You need to plan a new relationship with DM and step away from the 'happy families' scenario.

IncompleteSenten · 23/09/2023 08:36

I'd continue to keep my distance.

And ask your mum how many conversations she's had with your brother about it and how many times she's asked him to just answer your question in order to put it all behind you.

I'm betting no e because he's a Man and therefore women's job to appease him.

Tell her sure mum happy to put it all behind us once he answers that question. It's entirely in his hands. He can resolve it in two minutes. Why not go talk to him like you are to me

Soontobe60 · 23/09/2023 08:37

Soddingcat · 23/09/2023 08:30

I will not accept it no and ive explained to DD, he is rude and if he wants to say sorry then fine, but im over it
It is just mum saying how upset he is about it, i think if he was then wht not contact me

Because he didn’t want to upset you?
He’s not being ‘dismissive’, he just doesn’t want to engage in a conversation about something that happened months ago. He made a comment to your mum and she, in her wisdom, decided to stir things up and tell you what he said.
If his comment was along the lines of “we were furious that sis tried to poison our kids by putting peas on their plate” then I’d have thought a comment would have been made at the time by him - “oh sis, remember kids can’t eat peas. Can we take them off the plate please”
so what was the claim he has made that’s got you so upset?

CrapBucket · 23/09/2023 08:37

You want your brother to have a nicer personality, that is never going to happen. Just let it go and reassure your mum that there is no problem. Sounds like she has been a bit of a stirrer here tbh. But imagine in years to come you and your brother have to make decisions about your mums care and this is still dragging on, a fall out over nothing…

SacreBleugh · 23/09/2023 08:39

I don't really understand what the initial problem was. Did your brother accuse you of trying to feed his kids nuts or whatever?

CelestialSausage · 23/09/2023 08:44

Hes perfectly entitled not to talk about it. Equally you have made your thoughts clear by stating that you were very careful with food over Xmas so think this is unlikely. Either way it would be sensible and adult to put it behind you both.

If he’s rude day to day, pull him up on it immediately by making simple observations .. ‘oh you’re speaking quite rudely’

CelestialSausage · 23/09/2023 08:46

Tell your mum to stop telling you these things and get her son to speak to you directly.

sodthesodoff · 23/09/2023 08:47

Honestly I think your mum is the problem.

I wouldn't have him in my house again and be polite but not reach out to him

If she complains he's 'upset' just say the balls in his court to chat. And repeat.

She's the issue though. She's meddled and interfered and doesn't give a shit about how other people feel.

Sparkletastic · 23/09/2023 08:49

Your mum sounds like a stirrer. Do you think DB made a negative comment to her that he subsequently realised was unfounded, but he's too arrogant to apologise? If your mum hadn't passed it on it wouldn't be a problem so he's annoyed.

Ladybug14 · 23/09/2023 08:50

Your brother told your Mother that there was an issue related to food and allergies at your house a year ago

Your brother wouldn't speak to you about it and can often be high handed and arrogant

You are now ignoring your brother because he won't speak to you about the possible allergy situation a year ago

Jeez. Grow the fuck up and stop being a drama llama

ittakes2 · 23/09/2023 08:55

If something contentious happens again best to discuss in person or over the phone - people can see / or hear tone, body language / opportunity to self correct when delivering negative news etc on text messages and this can be why disagreements arise and feelings get hurt.

Ragwort · 23/09/2023 08:55

I agree that your mother is being the stirrer here .. just carry on being pleasant and polite if you see your DB, if your mother says anything just reply 'there's absolutely no bad feelings' .. and change the subject.

Whats the point of dragging it up all the time?

MichelleScarn · 23/09/2023 08:57

Agree with posters saying DM is the stirring problem, why did she feel need to get involved?
Either, she sees you as lesser to him therefore you need to acquiesce to his maleness/golden child status.
Or
She enjoys the division between you as that keeps her as both separate focus point not distracted by each other.

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 23/09/2023 09:02

Your brother told your Mother that there was an issue related to food and allergies at your house a year ago

Well he should have told OP and her DH at the time rather than going crying to his mummy about it after. My siblings do this and then I get my mum on my back when a normal sibling conversation could have been had. You know, like the actual grown ups we are.

Your brother wouldn't speak to you about it and can often be high handed and arrogant

You are now ignoring your brother because he won't speak to you about the possible allergy situation a year ago

See that's the problem isn't it. He refused to speak to OP about it back then BECAUSE he's arrogant. If the OP backs down now without actually having the conversation that should have been had almost a year ago then she's feeding into his arrogance. He sounds like a proper manchild refusing to speak to OP about the problem instead of crying to his mum about it.