ENDING FALLOUT WITH SIBLING WHEN I DONT THINK ITS MY FAULT

[Soddingcat]

About a year ago following over Christmas we hosted my sibling and his family

My mum a few weeks later asked me on the phone about something my DH had apparently done regarding serving food . Their kids have allergies and we are always very careful and i knew what id been told was not true.

I subsequently sent a brief polite message to DB asking him about it, i said id like to try and find out why this was said because it was inaccurate.
We were due to host the entire family again soon and i wanted to sort it out before then..
I was completely baffled by the allegation as i knew it wasn't true as i was there, as was my daughter

He ignored my message but had read it.
I sent another one, again polite, just wondering if he had had a chance to think about it and let me know as i was keen to resolve
Again no answer.
He messaged me about something else a few days later.

DB has a history of being quite arrogant /high handed and always thinks he is right,
He is a very clever educated man and has always been very dismissive of people and their opinions and ive always been made to feel a bit unworthy

When at mums house i asked him if we could have a quick chat about it and he walked away from me and said he did not wish to discuss it

I was so cross by this point that i did raise my voice and ask why on earth he would not discuss it.
I was furious he had walked away from me,
I am a very calm person normally but was upset that he appeared to care so little for me he did not have the decency to talk it through

We kept out each others way and that is that

Mum said DB is upset that im now distant.
She will not see my reasoning.
I tried to sort it out several times nicely, and he refused to engage
I do not like rows or drama so i plan to just keep my distance and be polite/ cordial when we meet.

Mum is a real people pleaser and has always brushed all bad behaviour under the carpet, she hates any discord, so all must be forgotten and moved on from.
I have explained that this no longer works for me, and for years DB has made rude remarks and im expected to tolerate it because “ he doesn't” mean anything by it
She wants us to move on and be friends,
I said ill always love him, but he upsets me so i prefer to keep away.

DB has made no attempt to try and resolve this.

What should i do ?
There is no dramatics in this from me, just a need to keep away so im not left feeling upset with him when we spend time together

Really im upset at feeling dismissed and not listened too

I don't get how people do not see this issue here

Your brother said something negative about you/your family behind your back (not acceptable)

You wanted to discuss it to ensure you knew the context/avoid it happening again

Your brother chose to ignore you repeatedly without saying sorry or that it was a misunderstanding

Your mum wants you to give up how you feel to smile and play nice so your brother is not upset (which he will not confirm why to you because he won't talk to you)

If you changed the context and it was your DH doing this everyone would be screaming LTB for gasslighting you and being mentally abusive which ultimately what is happening.

You have a right to peace. If he's like this cut contact and don't have him around if he won't talk about it. It is your mum's problem if she doesn't like it. If she raises it again advise you love her but don't want to talk about it then change the subject. Do not accept behaviours from people that are not right. Make peace with the fact he won't tell you and just move on.

One thing I have learned is it doesn't matter if other people know the truth because as long as I do and I live a life true to myself I can live in peace. You cannot control other people but you can control your own life and thoughts x

I agree your mother is a big part of the problem.

Why did she shit stir by telling you what DB said? Do you believe her when she says DB is upset? I don’t.

I suspect your mother secretly thrives on the drama.

I get it OP. I have a sibling that is similar to yours. You can either suck it up and accept the way they make you feel or go low contact. Your DB could have gave you the courtesy of discussing it. Surely an allergy issue is a serious one? Ofcourse you'd want to address it. Why would he swerve it and not take the chance to settle things? Weird reaction imo.

My DM is also similar. She thinks I should just absorb all the subtle digs quietly so I don't rock the boat. I don't think the boat should be needlessly rocked in the first place. It's almost degrading and disheartening that family can disregard you.

You're not being dramatic. Your feelings are valid. Those saying otherwise likely have no understanding/experience of it. I'm no contact with my sibling and low contact with my DM. Let them get on with it and don't twist yourself up trying to understand their behaviour.

They're never going to change, decide how you want to proceed. Your DB could easily have spoke to you about it if he wanted to, it would only have taken a few minutes. Instead he's choosing to leave that 'dig' about your husband linger on you. Your DM shouldn't have mentioned it unless she wanted an outcome from it...

If you care about your mum I'd try and put it to one side. The frosty relations affect everyone unfortunately.

If her mum cared about the op she wouldn't have started this whole thing...

She's caused this whole drama

And something op you have to think about - she's blabbing about your brother to you. What do you think she's saying to him about you?

She's the ringleader in this circus. And I think she likes it

The mother doesn't seem to care much about the op? Why should she be the only one making all the effort?

Your mum's quite the shit-stirrer isn't she. Is she behind a lot of the negative feelings between you and your brother?

I disagree with some posters here. Your brother is being unpleasant here. He is entitled not to talk about it but he chose to talk about and then just wanted to end the conversation once he'd shared his wisdom. It's rude to think he is entitled to drop a 'knowledge bomb' which effectively accuses his sister of doing something neglectful and then not even have to listen to what she has to say about it. Perhaps your mother should not have shared it and he can take that up with her. It would be normal manners to at at least listen for 1 minute whilst you explain the precautions you actually took. The problem appears to be your mother here to some degree. She wants everything to be fine and knowing that you are more likely to succumb to pressure, she is focusing her efforts on getting you to tolerate his rudeness rather than getting him to apologise for it. You need to look after your own wellbeing here OP. Personally I'd never invite him over for anything involving food again - as that means there can be no accusations of ignoring a food allergy. Well, unless he decides to behave more reasonably. You can see him at your mum's or outside events though so it's not a huge drama.

You could be talking about my brother! I remember endless arguments where he was accusing me of not catering to his sons’ allergies when I was the only one who ever did (my mum used to give the kids butter despite them having analphalactic reactions to it, my sister just refused to consider their allergies at all). I have now put it down to him thinking I was an easy target and have stopped allowing him and the rest of the family to treat me like that.

It seems to have started over something relatively small, and it seems like it has got bigger as you wanted to ‘clear’ your DH’s name over whatever it was about food allergies.

I’d say your initial approach was a bit confrontational:

I subsequently sent a brief polite message to DB asking him about it, i said id like to try and find out why this was said because it was inaccurate.

I think the initial conversation might have gone further if you’d just asked him to explain what happened without pre-facing the conversation by telling him he was wrong.

It sounds like your brother does other things that bother you and you are generally frustrated by him throwing his weight around / being dismissive / controlling the narrative. So do sympathise if you’ve reacted here to long-standing patterns of him being unreasonable.

I think you’ve had a hard time here OP (though I notice the voting says almost all YANBU).

You kindly host DB and family. He has form as an arrogant, “always right” bloke who thinks he’s a bit above you. He doesn’t raise any issue on the day about catering for his kids’ allergies but has a whinge about it later to your mum. Your mother might be stirring a bit by telling you but equally depending on how serious it is might have wanted to make sure it didn’t happen again. You think he’s talking rubbish but you want to sort it because they’ll be at yours again soon. You take it up with DB and he won’t discuss it with you, probably because he knows you were right and he also shouldn’t have been bad mouthing you to your mother.

He sounds a bit of an arse to me. If it actually mattered he should have said so there and then, not gone complaining to mummy behind your back. Then when you asked him so you could resolve it he’s all “I don’t want to talk about it” and flounces off (in other words, you were right and he’s been caught out).

He wasn't bad mouthing her to her mother. He was talking to HIS mother about something to do with HIS children. He's allowed to do that and he's also allowed to not engage when his mother goes flapping her gums to the OP.

Seems like your brother was banking on your DM not telling you what he said?
He made some shit up to make you look bad in front of his DM?
She told you
He knows he's been caught lying so instead of admitting it, has dug his heels in and refused to engage.
Don't cook for him again, why would he even want you to if you did what he claims?

Thanks all for advice
Db Mum are the ones who have brought this up not me
Ive said I won’t have them round for food and will just see them at mums house
I am polite when I see him ( it’s not often )

I do feel hurt , I wanted to mend it before they came again,
I won’t be bringing it up again for sure

It’s very out of order to grow round accusations then not allow us to defend them

Mum says she wishes she hadn’t said anything
I asked her if DB even knew why I was upset following their call this week
She was reluctant to tell me and said she didn’t want to say the wrong thing

We ate due to have a few days away with mum soon and he suggested they “ call in “
I said no because it’s precious time away ,
im not prepared to give up my peace by feeling cross if he turns up and carry on like before
I just can’t do it , if that makes me petty fair enough
He never ever considers my feelings

Mum should keep out , she’s a terrible people pleaser but does repeat conversations to others

Does she repeat conversations accuately or does she edit, embellish or put her own spin on them?

The OP can't know whether the message which came from their mum was an accurate reflection of what the DB said or meant because he has refused to say anything about it. He could have chosen to clarify if he was misrepresented.

But she can know if her mother has a history of dramatising her gossip.

No she doesn’t dramatise at all , however I often remind her of things that have happened in the past and she can never remember
I think some old people gloss over the past …

Shes very chatty , but if I have a conversation then she may repeat it ,
So I don’t tell her anything I don’t want repeating

Yeah but she knew what she was doing when she told you what your brother said. She knew she was stirring the pot

Chatty or not. She knew this would cause problems between you two.

I think your mum is the problem here. Why is she blabbing to you about what your brother told her?

Would that include conversations about your brother?

I think you're focussing to much on your brother and not your mum in all this.

It's possible he doesn't want to talk about it because there's nothing to talk about, it was just a minor issue that your mum has blown up a bit. I don't think either sibling is BU although doesn't sound like you like him much anyway.

All he had to do was clarify it and there would be no issues he is aggravating the situation beyond reason for no reason

You sound very tiring OP. Maybe let it go.

I think the issue is the way it was dealt with initially.

Firstly, your mum shouldn't have said anything to you. If your brother was that bothered about the incident, he should be brought it up with you directly.

Secondly, when you did find out about the incident from your mum, you should've kept schtum about it. Again, waiting for your brother to bring it up with you directly.

Your brother probably thinks it's all been blown out of proportion (which it has) and although he shouldn't have refused to discuss it with you once you'd asked about it, I do think you were a bit daft mentioning it to him

In my mind, if someone's wound up with me, they need to come to ME about it. And if they don't come to me directly, I don't believe jack shit that anyone else tells me. I'll believe all is well.

Anyway, as yo how you should deal with it now. I'd ring your brother and just say "not sure what's happened between us recently, but let's get back on an even keel either no hard feelings either side"

Then he has the option of bringing up the incident or just saying "yes, let's move on" and go from there.