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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think it takes the proverbial if I look after my friend's child for a hospital appointment and she tags on another hour to go to tescos?

53 replies

R2G · 04/03/2008 23:42

Looked after my friend's child while she went for her 20 week scan. I don't mind helping although she knew I was really busy myself she has no family around so of course for this I didnt mind re-arranging. However, said she would be back by 2.30 giving me time to do my other stuff 9 (not that I said that out loud) and she didn't come back until 4 as decided it was a good chance to go to Tescos child-free. Then sat down for an hour for a coffee so I got absolutely nothing done all day it has set me back. She always does stuff like this she doens't work and because I work from home she thinks it is acceptable to drop by for coffee and sit there all afternoon. Doesn't help that her daughter bites my son all day and tips the toys all over the place. AIBU?

OP posts:
MotherFunk · 04/03/2008 23:47

Message withdrawn

mazzystar · 04/03/2008 23:50

yes she's taking the mick
but it seems a bit like you let her
you sound like a nice friend to have, and it was really good of you to help her out, but you need to be a bit blunter to her about popping round and underline your need to get on with work. for next time.

LadyOfWaffle · 04/03/2008 23:52

IMO, a little, sorry

stuffitllama · 04/03/2008 23:58

yanbu on the hour at tesco's

but I think you need some saying no techniques -- not hard to say

"not coffee today, house is a tip, but maybe next week?"

you do sound nice but it is empowering to take that control

(not suggesting your house IS a tip by the way)

Original poster
R2G · 05/03/2008 00:19

ha ha no house is a tip. Yes I really need to say no i find it so hard. The thing is that is it i think she is lonely then i feel bad, but it is hard for me to say 'meet next week' as I work from home pretty much full time, have lots of friends and family locally so i don't feel like a really good friend because the honest truth is...I don't need another friend. We had a great year together while I was on maternity and we met at ante natal but now things have changed. I would be happy just to join in with the group stuff we do and see everyone together but after this I always have to agree to a coffee at some point in the next few weeks, or help out in some way. No, she isn't single but husband at work that day.
When I am with her she sees me getting loads of phone calls, busy with the house, family popping in but she will just sit there through thick and thin thinking it is helping me to have some time out but it's not. Sorry I know I am going on but it is really bothering me she monopolises so much of my time and I feel like sh*t because I'm just not that bothered about seeing her all the time when I don't even get to see my own family and friends I have known for years.
Lady of waffle, what does IMO mean?

OP posts:
twelveyeargap · 05/03/2008 00:32

Tell her in conversation that you're not getting enough work done during the day and that boss is angry/ money not coming in/ whatever. Say you're going to be really strict with yourself and start working as though you're in an office. You can say it like it's a drag. Then you can say that you're going to ask your family not to drop in during "working hours" and would she mind coming round at weekends/ evenings/ on x day of the week/ whatever suits you.

She probably thought you wouldn't mind about Tescos, tbh.

Original poster
R2G · 05/03/2008 00:45

thanks twelve year gap that feels like a cofortable way of putting it. Think I'm just a bit stressed with everything I've got to do I wanted to use that time to get into town and I couldnt so still havnt been able to as waiting in for deliveries, boiler repair and dyson engineer these two days plus FIL coming to stay so I knew all this but I guess she didnt. I feel bad coz she always says 'let me know what i can do for you' etc but i just dont need her help as i have lots of family and local friends. I just want to be part of the ante-natal group and join in with all the group stuff we do. I resent making all this time for one to one friendship that I just dont have time for. It makes me feel like a total two faced bitch that i am even in this position i hate it.

OP posts:
mazzystar · 05/03/2008 02:16

er, i'm in serious danger of switching sides on this one.
she was good enough to hang out with when you were on maternity leave but now you can't be bothered to have the odd coffee? lovely.

seeker · 05/03/2008 06:27

Well, lucky you - so many friends and family around you don't have time for another one......!

laura032004 · 05/03/2008 07:21

She probably doesn't 'get' the working from home. Especially if you seem to have lots of other friends and family popping in and out as well.

I would go with the 'set working times' scenario. Does seem a bit sad that you want to stop having one-to-one time with her, but obviously your situation has changed, and you're back at work, whereas she isn't. If you worked in an office, it would be much easier.

Sometimes I feel like I have too many friends. Well not too many, but not enough time, but then at other times there doesn't seem to be anybody around, so I try to make time for everyone, so that I've got as many people around me as possible. However, that's easily said as I'm a SAHM.

laura032004 · 05/03/2008 07:24

BTW - the hour in Tesco's. Hmm, hard call. Was your DS around as well, or were you just looking after her DD? If the former, she probably didn't realise she was doing any harm. I'm probably guilty of this myself. If I ask a friend to look after DS1 whilst I take DS2 to the GP, I quite often tag on a trip to the pharmacist to pick up the scrip at the end. AIBU then? Perhaps will ask the friend what she thought before I do it again (sorry MNetter friend if you're reading this and I offended you )

StripeyMamaSpanx · 05/03/2008 07:54

Has she got a partner?

If not, I think YAB slightly U - its very very hard to manage evrything on your own all the time and you do tend to make the most of whatever childfree time you have. But to be an hour and a half late to pick up her dd is a bit much, I agree.

And I personally would never take another child to an anomaly scan - what if a problem was found? Its not just an opportunity to have a look at baby and do some coo-ing, it has the potential to be quite serious.

chelsygirl · 05/03/2008 08:07

I think you're being a bit mean

you say you don't need another friend, lucky you!

sorry but you sound a bit of a user to me

southeastastra · 05/03/2008 08:18

yanbu she is taking the p

BeauLocks · 05/03/2008 08:24

I think you ought to tell her you don't need her as a friend, rather than doing things grudgingly and then whinging about it.

Better to be upfront and honest than two-faced.

colditz · 05/03/2008 08:27

From her perspective, she is always offering to help you, it's just that you don't take her up on it - sp obviously (to her) you must have a lot of free time as you nevwer need any help - so why wouldn't you mind her popping in to see you?

I think you should make a set time to see her - say, for a coffee on a Friday Afternoon. and at all toher times, you are working.

She sounds like quite a nice friend to have, attentive and always offering to help out.

colditz · 05/03/2008 08:27

No, don't say what BeauLocks just said, it's cruel.

Chequers · 05/03/2008 08:28

Message withdrawn

BeauLocks · 05/03/2008 08:29

I was actually being tongue in cheek.

I am of the view that none of us has so many friends that we can afford to be so callous with their kindness and friendship. Friendship requires committment and honesty and this woman deserves more than being helped out grudginly and then being the subject of a whinge on an internet chatroom. imho.

colditz · 05/03/2008 08:31

YWell, you never know round here!

BandofMothers · 05/03/2008 08:32

Colditz, what are you doing on here at this time of day???

BeauLocks · 05/03/2008 08:33

Fair point colditz!

SammyC · 05/03/2008 08:33

as a forces wife who has been in a place with no friends and no family I couldnt do anything without taking my baby with me so on that front I feel you are being slightly inconsiderate. In having so many family members and friends to help support maybe you need to realise how tough it is on your friend?
I am also rubbish at saying no so get frustrated with myself for not being strong enough, may be some of your frustration towards her is due to you not being able to say no??

Beetroot · 05/03/2008 08:34

i think it is a little unfriendly to get cross because she took the opportunity to have a tescos w without a child while she is pregnant - let her enjoy that luxury and keep quiet. it is so nice to have friends who will help you out like that and h=not have to feel guilty about it

colditz · 05/03/2008 08:34

BOM, who the Hell are you?

I'm procrastinating.