to think it takes the proverbial if I look after my friend's child for a hospital appointment and she tags on another hour to go to tescos?

[R2G]

Looked after my friend's child while she went for her 20 week scan. I don't mind helping although she knew I was really busy myself she has no family around so of course for this I didnt mind re-arranging. However, said she would be back by 2.30 giving me time to do my other stuff 9 (not that I said that out loud) and she didn't come back until 4 as decided it was a good chance to go to Tescos child-free. Then sat down for an hour for a coffee so I got absolutely nothing done all day it has set me back. She always does stuff like this she doens't work and because I work from home she thinks it is acceptable to drop by for coffee and sit there all afternoon. Doesn't help that her daughter bites my son all day and tips the toys all over the place. AIBU?

I know, have been gone ages (sorry for highjack)
I have not been on MN for so long I HAD TO LOG IN AGAIN, and I forgot how to do smilies and had to read the instructions again

Re the original point of going to Tesco and not being back for an hour and half - YANBU that's plain rude, did she ring and ask you before going?

Wot southeastastra said.

She was a bit rude for not phoning and asking you if it was ok to go to Tescos.

But, I do think it is quite sad that you say that you don't need another friend. Perhaps you don't but it sounds like she does.

Perhaps she likes sitting around your house enjoying the family feeling that you have, especially if she has no family nearby.

I have been in this situation, living far away from my family with no friends around to help or just to have a natter with. It is really hard going so I do feel for her.

She should have asked if you minded before she went to Tesco. But I think you are being a bit meant about her.
You are lucky that you do have so many friends and family, imagine how you would feel if you didn't.
This person is quite clearly lonely, I mean what sort of husbanf doesn't get time off work to go the scan ( unless he is away).
Cut her a bit of slack, you never know when you MIGHT need her help/ support.

she should have called, but if she does this sort of thing a lot, then you need to set some rules..

or say

let me know if you are going to be later than xyz time as i must do abc today....

she might be thinking oyu are happy to potter round the house all day

just talk to the woman !!

if she phones to say she is going to pop to the supermarket, ask her to pick you up some bread and milk, save you a trip

not worth falling out over this sort of thing IMO

Hi
Thanks for the messages and advice. Yes I think you are totally right i should just speak up dont know why i find it so hard.
I do feel for her maybe that is why but also there are plenty of other friends and I am made to feel always guilty. When I say we had a lovely time on maternity leave I meant as a group we met every week and then other days a few of us were doing the same classes. I dont mean specifically with her and now I want to ditch her. Those back at work went back to work and we take it in turn to meet at each others houses once a week in the evening. I just mean this is all the time I can manage really, just joining in with the group.
I have let it go on for an extra year with her because I realised she may need the company. She does have a husband and lots of other SAHM friends.
As far as being blessed with friends, of course I am not a callous person I realise how special this is and that is half my point. My brother is crippled with depression at the moment and my mum has a kidney problem so I am often looking after my brothers kids or cleaning for my mum. I dont want to see her two three times a week or even once a week in the day when it means I then have to do my work in the evening and miss popping to see an old school friend who is going through a divorce, or meet up for a chat with another friend who was on gardening leave for two weeks or visit my elderly aunty or pop out with my son on my own rather than being stuck in. I just feel like I cant be in ten places at once and while I enjoy meeting up with the group I don't have time to meet up with one special friend from the group. She has plenty of other friends from the group. Her daughter is cute but a handful so she tears her hair out when she is in on her own with her.
Rather than me being a useer sometimes I feel I am the one being used to fill in those gaps of time for her at the expense of my own family/friends/business/ life/ rest and yes, she does make me feel guilty about it.
What people have said here that i am two faced etc is how I feel and I dont want to feel like it. i dont want to feel like a two faced user because I'm not. Of course I understand she trusts me to look after her daughter so that is why she has asked me to mind her for the scan, and also when she goes into hospital to have the baby. No problem it is more the constant intrusion all week long. Everyone else who is back at work is in an office and doesnt have to deal with this.
Thanks for listening, I just need the courage to say 'I'm sorry I don't have time to be a friend who can socialise during the week. I'm always here to help out but other than that I will just be joining in with the evening meetings from now on as a group as my own life is suffering.' how does that sound?

Just to say also I think it is made worse because sometimes with my work it is flexible and then i do turn up at storytime for the library or the things SAHM get to do. I just dont think she realises how much i have to do.
You asked did I have my DS, yes I did but my mum was meant to have him so I could work. When she asked me to do this I kept him as obviously there was no point putting that on my mum when my friends DD was there.
However, I thought nevermind got all my banking, post and a present for a friend ready etc to do after she had gone. I tried to say I must get on with the housework and she started trying to help me then I feel bad.
Am I just being a total idiot about this. Seriously even when she is not there I am just tense that she will be knocking on any minute and I dont want to hurt her feelings

Yes, I do think that you have to be honest with her.

My DH works from home and when SIL visits it is really difficult because she expects him to come down for coffee all the time. She makes him something to eat/drink then gets pissed off if he does not come down right away and the food gets cold. He cannot say to his boss/colleague/customer that he will phone back later because his sister has just made pancakes, FGS.

You have to tell her that you have professional commitments that you have to honour and that you are finding it difficult to do that at the moment.

You need to be stricter about hte time TBH. If she is going, say you need her soem collected at a set time. And have him ready - so if he has to sit there for an hour and a half with his coat and hat on looking out hteh window for her - so be it.

and if she then says she wasnts to stay for a coffee, you need to say upfront - soz, can;t do it I have a tonne of work to get through this afternoon.

Regarding the biting - sounds like you would be better off making your excuses in any case and not having him at all TBH.

Poor you - why do people always take the micheal??

Please don't feel that we all jumped on you and called you a horrible person. Obviously you were busy elsewhere (that funny place called RL?) and the discussion got a bit out of hand without you.

I think it is best to stick around a bit after asking if YABU.

ok then
you just need to set some boundaries. say no if its not convenient, be firm and don't feel guilty. tell her that you have a lot on your plate and explain how hard it is to juggle everything. she obviously views you as a better friend than you think of her and that is sad for her really so be sensitive. maybe when things calm down you may find that you might actually enjoy an occasional coffee/playdate.

RG2, sorry for my post earlier, after reading your reply I see the wider picture

sorry again, hope you get this sorted out!

thanks chelsygirl don't worry about it. You know I am being mean to her to just carry on like this but that is because I do empathise with her. However, I've just got to that point you know where I think yes you may be lonely etc but I am stressed out of my mind so just go and find a better support system coz it isnt me I've got enough people to support already.
I'm not using her I like her and if it was the odd time meet up that would be nice but it is just too much you know. Even when I was starting my business she was pulling me to one side and meeting up separately with me to go through it and suggesting we do it together. It is a molehill that has become a mountain because I just cant seem to find the way to say it. Like we were at one of the children's parties and she said do you want to meet up next week and I said I was busy with work and still she phoned the next week. If i say my in laws are visiting she says 'well cant you get them to babysit then'. Her husband is home at 5.30pm, mine at 9 and he works a saturday or sunday. I am a bitch because i do just want her to leave me alone. Sorry someone said i am talking about her in an internet chat room but it is because in RL I don't know who to talk about it to and i wanted lots of opinions to gain some perspective.
Bloody hell I'm a bit wordy today!!

mazzystar thanks for the support that is how I feel exactly I do feel sad about it I never been in a position to actually want to remove myself from a friendship like this. Thanks everyone for being understanding I feel like a total cow and am going to wait for the next opportunity and just say what you said there.

R2G, you most definately aren't a total cow, this is obviously affecting you deeply

I actually think your "friend" is being a bit thick skinned, you might have to be a bit blunt with her!

good luck, I really hope you get this sorted, as you say you have enough folk depending on you, and this person isn't giving you any support, which it sounds like you need (like all of us!!)

xx

chelsygirl what would you actually say yourself?

I think I would choose my words carefully, she sounds like she is a bit lonely and has sort of latched onto you, but she also doesn't realise although you have help you still have a lot on your plate

I think instead of cutting her off completely, I'd do it gradually, even tell some white lies eg. we're going out in 15 minutes etc! and see where that gets you rather than trying to cut it off at once

I'm no good at confrontation, I'd have to do it a bit at a time if it was me!

If she pops round unannounced jsut say you are sorry but you are working and don't let her in. If she calls and wants to be invited round, maybe engineer it so you are visiting her at her house and can leave when you need to? If you don't want to meet with her anymore just keep making excuses and eventually she will get the message. I think it is mean to say you don't need another friend to her

if you do want to see her sometimes and her DC bites your DC, tell them off and if she does not remove him if repeatedly offending then remove yourselves and go home, you have to protect your DC!

Hi

Just to update thanks for the help and advice. Went to the weekly ante-natal meeting Wednesday. People were just asking each other about work and said I had been busy. Also in coversation just saying my in-laws were visiting from Northern ireland for the week. Clearly busy then.
So friend then said in front of everyone she had a spare hour to come and help me with my work on Friday morning. I said I was ok, she said oh I thought you were busy are you not really that busy then. I asked why do you have a spare hour and it turns out she is at a midwifes appointment round the corner, her daughter is at a playgroup until 12 so she admitted she just had the hour to kill rather than go back home.
No great shakes but just was made to feel awkward that I didnt want her help in front of everyone so I just said that it sounded more like she had an hour to kill rather than that I needed the help and that I have found in the past when people come round to help I get less done so I'm sorry I wasn't able to help her with the spare hour she had and suggested a nice cheap coffee place.
Still the next morning she knocked round. It was 10 I was still in my PJs but only because I had my DS there, made my in laws breakfast and while they were all getting dressed was making a few business calls. She commented on the PJs and said she was just calling round for a number of something I had mentioned (why not phone?!) and as I was in my PJs was I not that busy today.Had to go through what I was doing that day. Then asked again what I was doing the next day and could she not help. I just said then look I am really sorry I know we live close by but that doesnt always mean I am free at the same times so I will have to go now but hope to see you at the group thing next week let me know if you want a lift.
Obviously she is getting annoyed at the way I keep ducking out but I feel happier now with what everyone said to just persist with it. I can clearly see now I am just her 'time filler' regardless of the stress on me.
Still didnt quite work out to keep myself free...Thursday night my sister in law and teenage kids 'dropped by' to see the in-laws, dropping by at 7pm DS bedtime, me cooking dinner for 7 people unnannounced- I'd planned on omlettes, then today having to pick up my son's kids from school and mind them and drop them home at 7, then my FIL has informed me his sister, who is 72, is sulking because I promised her a run out to the countryside and I havn't called. i just said sometime before easter...,and that was last Friday!!
Drowning drowning drowning, want to live on a desert island!

Could you really not have used her spare hour? Do some ironing for you- you get it all set up for her and whizz off to make phone calls? People arent going to intrude when you're on the phone are they?

Hour filler or not - she would have been at mine before you could say "yes i do iron the pants and tea towels"

You both then get something out of it - or at least she learns what happens and doesnt offer again!!!!

she sounds a bit odd!
Why didn't you just say you had the in-laws round so were busy?

You are friends with someone who shops in Tesco??