I keep saying stupid things...and despise myself for it

[JustReallyNotHappyWithMyself]

Literally that. I've always done this, I think it may be out of nervousness when having a conversation with someone. I have very low self-esteem, and I think I just babble and say things out of awkwardness. Never anything deliberately nasty or mean, but sometimes yes, it can be taken as that, or else just a really unwarranted or inappropriate opinion. I wish I could just think before I speak or maybe just keep quiet, but instead I'll come out with something really stupid, and I'll hate myself for it afterwards. I wake up the next day with that horrible feeling you get when something bad has happened. And dwell on it for days/weeks afterwards.

It's usually with people that I don't see very often (as in, not family but maybe some random acquaintance that I'll meet at school or in a shop), so I have no way of going back and apologising. But then I think maybe apologising might be drawing more attention to it, and maybe they'd already forgotten about it. Or maybe they do actually think, "what an inappropriate/horrible/daft thing to say, what on earth did she say that for?"

I know I should give examples, and feel really embarassed having to do so, and I know I'll get totally slated on here. But along the lines of:

1. Telling a new mum, "Are you ok? You look really tired"....I mean, that's just nasty and why on earth would you say that?!
2. Speaking to my child's friend's parents and saying that my child was trying to get theirs to go out during freshers week at uni and not stay stuck in their room as they don't want them struggling with lonliness and getting depressed. Their child is quite shy and introverted. Friend's mum taking that really badly, like, "what do you mean, my child is depressed?" and the friend telling my child, "why the heck is your mum telling my mum I'm depressed? what have you said to your mum to make her think I'm depressed?" So my big mouth is causing issues in their friendship. But I didn't mean it that way, just meant that mine was concerned that their friend might get a bit lonely and feel sad. I had to keep saying I'm sorry, it was just a lighthearted comment and I meant nothing by it. But it's haunting me so much that I even said that. Like, what was the need, and why didn't I just shut my mouth? But I was babbling out of nervousness. (Yes, this mum is super cool and successful and self-assured and I'm just a mess). My child reassured me that it's fine, and I didn't say anything out of order, but I don't agree.

Honestly, I despise this about myself so much. It actually makes me really upset and I withdraw a lot into myself anytime this happens, and just stop talking.

I guess my AIBU is:
YABU - You really ought to say nothing if you can't say anything nice. Or stop and think before you speak, as this can be hurtful to other people
YANBU - This happens to the best of us and not everyone is able to slow down a conversation and think about everything they're going to say before they say it. You're probably making a bigger issue of it than it is, and the other person will forget about it quite quickly.

I think a bit of both, actually! It does happen to everybody but equally if it’s something that keeps happening it is good to just stop and think - I don’t think your first was that bad really.

Literally, every day. YANBU, I think very few people don't do this, and I need their secret! Most days I reflect on the silly, thoughtless things I say. I think I'm getting better in that I now just about manage to stop myself saying things. I hope in time, they just won't pop into my head at all!

Super-cool, self- assured and successful mum sounds like a bit of a bitch. It’s pretty obvious that if you say a kid might be a bit depressed in that context you’d just mean generally withdrawn etc. Talk about shoot the messenger - telling that she’d rather tear you apart than actually deal with what might be a real issue.

To be fair, all interactions I've had with her, she's actually really really nice. She's gone out of her way to help my DS with uni stuff and she seems like a genuinely lovely person. It may be that she said it lightheartedly to her DS that "I hope you're OK and not getting lonely and depressed cos this is what X's mum said" and in return, their DS was like, wtf?! Like I said, my DS just laughed it off and said it's really not a big deal, not like I spilled any secrets or revealed their private conversations or anything. But still....argh!!! WHY DID I HAVE TO SAY ANYTHING ABOUT DEPRESSION?!!

You sound

• caring
• endearing
• dizzy
• like someone people will like - you might have a reputation for saying silly things (according to you) but people will relate
• lacking in self confidence (but that doesn't matter)
• like someone who would be a lovely friend.

Nothing wrong with what you said in either of those interactions. You just come across as caring to me.

This made me tear up. Thank you so much for the reassurance, and lovely comment. I am in floods...

We all say things that we wish we had not. And sometimes it just a bit embarrassing.

Even the tired thing might be OK depending on the person and relationship. Might be cruel though. I have know people who say those kind of things and sometimes they do it as a putdown. Then again if a good friend or my brother says it it's genuine question.

But gossiping about your daughters friend and saying that about depression and loneliness is not on. If you were genuinely concerned about them there would be ways to communicate that, but you said you were just talking about them. Sounds like you really need to think more about what you say and the impact it has.

If you keep doing this and are aware of it why do you not make an effort to do something about it?

I don’t think it’s the things you are saying that are a problem.

I think the way you are going back and worrying about all the things you said, sounds like you might be quite anxious?

Dwelling on it for days and weeks is a little bit more than normal I would say - it can’t be a nice feeling for you. I would consider whether anxiety is something you need to address.

I think point 1 I wouldn’t mind. New parents are usually tired, and it’s nice to feel ‘seen’ as a new parent.

Point 2, I think, you can probably know yourself, was a mistake. If my child was shy and introverted and someone said that (in fact even if they weren’t shy/introverted), I’d immediately start to panic that something was amiss. So no, I don’t think the mum was being a bitch, sorry!

But, I too say stupid shit, as does everyone. I hope that on the whole, my stupid stuff is amply balanced by my nice stuff as I’m sure yours is too.

You really ought to say nothing if you can't say anything nice. Or stop and think before you speak, as this can be hurtful to other people

Well, obviously you shouldn't say things that aren't nice and obviously you should think before you speak to avoid hurting people. That's just basic good manners.

But in your case, it doesn't sound like you're actually doing this deliberately - ie it didn't actually occur to you that what you were saying might come across badly. You're getting anxious and panicking and blurting out the first thing that comes into your head, which is very different from being deliberately blunt. Are you anxious generally in social situations? I sympathise, if so.

To be honest, if someone said the things you said to me, I think I would probably be able to tell that (even if they expressed things clumsily) that they meant well and were actually trying to be caring.

Hi Op, I do exactly the same thing!! I also babble and over share too much information about myself upon meeting new people - then spend days mortified after!

My most recent was telling a friend her new BF was "so short!" I meant it in a cute way but it came out so completely rude and wrong 😰

If you find a solution, please share!

Gosh I don't know. I feel a bit daft sometimes for the same reason, but what I come out with tends to be a bit overboard like 'oh wow that's amazing!' in response to their kid's school project or 'long time no see, you're looking lovely!' then I think they might be a bit :/ at commenting on looks/things they haven't asked an opinion on. I have to say though, I've never come out with anything negative or hurtful.

You're absolutely right. But I just don't know what to do about it. How do I tackle this and stop myself saying something I'll regret afterwards?

Although it wasn't gossip, just my child saying that they know what their friend is like and could get a bit withdrawn so they were making an effort to get them out. So they were just a bit concerned. I said to leave them be and not push them if they don't want to. That's all.

This is so me! I try to convince myself that it's not all that uncommon. The real issue is the overthinking and analysing everything I say! We need to cut ourselves some slack! I am getting a bit better at keeping my mouth shut because once I start talking I say ridiculous things. But then people ask if everything's ok and that I don't seem myself.

Yes, exactly that. I just panic in the moment and blurt things out. I'm really not a nasty or unkind person, maybe a bit too honest at times, but I am generally very empathetic and kind. I do better in writing than speaking in person as it gives me time to think and pause and reflect, and say things clearly. I just don't do well in social situations.

Haha that's exactly what I would do. Glad I'm not the only one, but also, sorry that you have to go through this too

We all say things we regret without thinking, the more worrying bit is what a hard time you are having moving on. When I was having very anxious episodes I used to go over things I had said and what others have said for hours. It was really debilitating. Have you thought about speaking to someone? My therapist really helped me reframe things. Just reading your post has reminded me of how far I’ve come. I spend so much less time worrying about my interactions with others now.

I honestly never really thought that this is due to anxiousness, or that I should get therapy over it. But I think you're right and I should.

You sound lovely and well meaning so you will get a lot of reassurance from people here.

Not saying everyone doesn't do similar from time to time but you've noticed a pattern in yourself. This pattern has included rather indiscreet and tactless comments. No the worst in the world but it wasnt really ok to make the remark about your child's concerns about their friend which was probably said with some expectation of confidence or discretion, then pushing your child for reassurance.

Rather than reaching out for assurance from others who don't know you, I would suggest a combo of accepting you have flaws and everyone says silly things from time to time AND thinking before you speak. Ask a non-personal question instead instead maybe.

You sound a lot like my mum. A genuinely kind and loving woman who has zero filter and a lot of self doubt. Rather than examining the behaviour that makes her feel displeased at herself, she has always come to me for assurance, even as a child. Instead, I think a bit of holding back, thinking before speaking would break the cycle of saying something silly and consequently feeling more confident in your conversational skills. If you don't already, maybe have a few comments ready about current affairs each day to fall back on rather than scrabbling for conversation and saying something impertinent.

Sorry to sound harsh, this just all feels very familiar!

I’m similar to you. I totally over analyse what I’ve said and worry about it. It’s horrible!

You need to practice saying innocuous but friendly comments or asking friendly, low key questions, out loud, so that when you're not sure what to say one of these are more likely to come because you have practiced them.

Things like "I'm so pleased that uni doesn't seem to have changed their friendship" (and then STOP!). Or 'has your DD said how she's settling in?'

Don't think of pauses in the conversation as something that has to instantly be filled with babbling, because THAT is when you'll put your foot in your mouth.

They are nothing in comparison to what I say when I have had alcohol. I am the opposite when sober - I think things through before I answer/speak, and am really deliberate with my words, people always talk about how well I come across on first meet. When I have had a drink I think I'm some kind of FBI Behavioural Psychological analyst/philosopher/all round oracle guru/truth teller. A know it all basically I am exceptionally annoying and I cringe inside the next day. Luckily people gave me a hall pass most of the time (no idea why) but I have actually genuinely upset two people with my 'insights' so I avoid drinking now. The examples you give are very mild and I wouldn't worry about it, I think as a PP said most people are like this and most people understand its nerves/social anxiety and don't give it much thought after. Don't worry! It's quite endearing really.

I have a friend like this and every time I see her (which isn't often) she goes on & on about how quiet my DH is. Every time. It's nerves and I get it. Plus I love that he's quiet as i am the drunken gobshite haha!

Just wanted to say you're not alone, I still wake up in the night mortified about things I said years ago! I'm quite a shy person and when someone speaks to me I have a little panic and either blurt out something inappropriate or stumble over my words and make a fool of myself. I think practising lots of small talk helps, could you go to any clubs or coffee mornings etc. and start some small conversations with strangers? If you say something silly you can just not go again!

Thank you, that's a good idea. I really don't get out much!