Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I keep saying stupid things...and despise myself for it

75 replies

JustReallyNotHappyWithMyself · 22/09/2023 11:56

Literally that. I've always done this, I think it may be out of nervousness when having a conversation with someone. I have very low self-esteem, and I think I just babble and say things out of awkwardness. Never anything deliberately nasty or mean, but sometimes yes, it can be taken as that, or else just a really unwarranted or inappropriate opinion. I wish I could just think before I speak or maybe just keep quiet, but instead I'll come out with something really stupid, and I'll hate myself for it afterwards. I wake up the next day with that horrible feeling you get when something bad has happened. And dwell on it for days/weeks afterwards.

It's usually with people that I don't see very often (as in, not family but maybe some random acquaintance that I'll meet at school or in a shop), so I have no way of going back and apologising. But then I think maybe apologising might be drawing more attention to it, and maybe they'd already forgotten about it. Or maybe they do actually think, "what an inappropriate/horrible/daft thing to say, what on earth did she say that for?"

I know I should give examples, and feel really embarassed having to do so, and I know I'll get totally slated on here. But along the lines of:

  1. Telling a new mum, "Are you ok? You look really tired"....I mean, that's just nasty and why on earth would you say that?!
  2. Speaking to my child's friend's parents and saying that my child was trying to get theirs to go out during freshers week at uni and not stay stuck in their room as they don't want them struggling with lonliness and getting depressed. Their child is quite shy and introverted. Friend's mum taking that really badly, like, "what do you mean, my child is depressed?" and the friend telling my child, "why the heck is your mum telling my mum I'm depressed? what have you said to your mum to make her think I'm depressed?" So my big mouth is causing issues in their friendship. But I didn't mean it that way, just meant that mine was concerned that their friend might get a bit lonely and feel sad. I had to keep saying I'm sorry, it was just a lighthearted comment and I meant nothing by it. But it's haunting me so much that I even said that. Like, what was the need, and why didn't I just shut my mouth? But I was babbling out of nervousness. (Yes, this mum is super cool and successful and self-assured and I'm just a mess). My child reassured me that it's fine, and I didn't say anything out of order, but I don't agree.

Honestly, I despise this about myself so much. It actually makes me really upset and I withdraw a lot into myself anytime this happens, and just stop talking.

I guess my AIBU is:
YABU - You really ought to say nothing if you can't say anything nice. Or stop and think before you speak, as this can be hurtful to other people
YANBU - This happens to the best of us and not everyone is able to slow down a conversation and think about everything they're going to say before they say it. You're probably making a bigger issue of it than it is, and the other person will forget about it quite quickly.

OP posts:
Curseofthenation · 22/09/2023 12:57

My DM is the same. Her voice even changes when she's anxious and you just know she's going to say something silly. It is annoying.

You're obviously well meaning but I would probably try to keep conversations short with people that cause you to feel anxious and gradually build up to longer conversations.

freespirit333 · 22/09/2023 13:03

YABU. Honestly the “you look tired”/“ooh yes you don’t look well at all” brigade can do one looking at you MIL. Yes I know I look like shit after 3 days of D&V, I don’t need you to point it out.

itsmyp4rty · 22/09/2023 13:12

To me you sound ND because that anxiety and not realising you're saying the wrong thing till later/someone points it out is so typical! I'd love you OP because being ND runs all through my family and I completely get you (even if you're not ND, just anxious and foot in mouth type!).

Bobbotgegrinch · 22/09/2023 13:15

You need to learn to love silence. I used to be like this, and I started consciously stopping and leaving a couple of seconds before responding, just to give my brain time to catch up.

To start with, you think that people must think you're an idiot, but you soon realise that most people do it, instead of rushing to fill the gap in conversation instantly.

Coughingdodger · 22/09/2023 13:18

I’m exactly the same OP and always have been. I’ve tried to just say nothing or stick to talking about the weather but then I come across as unfriendly or boring. It’s a tightrope and I can rarely get the balance right.

I guess the reason some people get prickly over the slightest well-meaning remark (eg about looking tired) is that there are so many people out there who actually do say these things as sly put-downs.

Original poster
JustReallyNotHappyWithMyself · 22/09/2023 13:22

Bobbotgegrinch · 22/09/2023 13:15

You need to learn to love silence. I used to be like this, and I started consciously stopping and leaving a couple of seconds before responding, just to give my brain time to catch up.

To start with, you think that people must think you're an idiot, but you soon realise that most people do it, instead of rushing to fill the gap in conversation instantly.

That's really useful advice, thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
JustReallyNotHappyWithMyself · 22/09/2023 13:23

itsmyp4rty · 22/09/2023 13:12

To me you sound ND because that anxiety and not realising you're saying the wrong thing till later/someone points it out is so typical! I'd love you OP because being ND runs all through my family and I completely get you (even if you're not ND, just anxious and foot in mouth type!).

Thank you, that really helps!

OP posts:
TheFormidableMrsC · 22/09/2023 13:24

Is it possible you have ADHD? I am like this and have to work really hard to not say things out loud, even if they're rattling round my brain. My son is diagnosed and does this. I am not but given all I have had to learn to support him, I tick almost every box. I have learned not to "blurt" and try and stop and think before I say something. It doesn't always work and I'm more relaxed with my closest friends who don't mind my often blunt comments. However, with people I don't know well, it's really hard work. It may be worth exploring?

Discwriter · 22/09/2023 13:25

I do the same OP! I even googled it and came across some good advice - 'stupidity is not the loss of intelligence, it's the cost of intelligence operating in a complex environment'. The things I come out with is ridiculous, it's not even things I believe. But Im extremely stressed, with my DM very very ill. So I need to get a handle on that, through exercise, diet, sleep, and my anxiety - all things that are falling completely apart at the moment. Maybe you are operating at a high level of anxiety?

Original poster
JustReallyNotHappyWithMyself · 22/09/2023 13:26

TheFormidableMrsC · 22/09/2023 13:24

Is it possible you have ADHD? I am like this and have to work really hard to not say things out loud, even if they're rattling round my brain. My son is diagnosed and does this. I am not but given all I have had to learn to support him, I tick almost every box. I have learned not to "blurt" and try and stop and think before I say something. It doesn't always work and I'm more relaxed with my closest friends who don't mind my often blunt comments. However, with people I don't know well, it's really hard work. It may be worth exploring?

Thanks for the insight - I'd never thought of that before. I know this can't be normal - the blurting things out and worrying about it afterwards. I think I will look into it.

OP posts:
Onlinetherapist · 22/09/2023 13:28

@@JustReallyNotHappyWithMyself You have become aware of this and that’s great that you have, as you can now make some little tweaks to what you say! So just a few suggestions for tweaking..to new mum, deep breath..‘congratulations, how are you feeling?’ Then stop there and let her speak and you listen without expressing an opinion on her appearance etc.

To your child’s friend’s mum..’Sophie is really enjoying freshers week, how is Olivia getting along?’ (Again no need to express an opinion about her child here).

Conversational skills are a bit of an art, you’ll get there with a big of practice..

Original poster
JustReallyNotHappyWithMyself · 22/09/2023 13:28

Discwriter · 22/09/2023 13:25

I do the same OP! I even googled it and came across some good advice - 'stupidity is not the loss of intelligence, it's the cost of intelligence operating in a complex environment'. The things I come out with is ridiculous, it's not even things I believe. But Im extremely stressed, with my DM very very ill. So I need to get a handle on that, through exercise, diet, sleep, and my anxiety - all things that are falling completely apart at the moment. Maybe you are operating at a high level of anxiety?

Oh, I feel for you, what a horrible situation to be in. Really hope things pick up for you soon xx

OP posts:
5128gap · 22/09/2023 13:35

Neither of those things are anywhere near as bad as you think.
However, in future you might find it makes you less anxious/avoid pitfalls, to head off with a question rather than a statement. So to new mum, rather than you look tired 'How are you? Are you coping with the tiredness?'
To uni friend mum 'how is yours getting on?'
After they answer you can then respond to what they've said with acknowledgement 'that's good to know' etc.
Have a few none controversial questions up your sleeve and don't feel the need to rush in with comments yourself. Most people love the opportunity to speak and be listened to, so you should be very popular!

Tempone · 22/09/2023 13:36

This sounds like me op. I constantly worry if I have upset or annoyed people, because I replay the conversation and in my head I sound awful, annoying and comments come out wrong... for me though, I am well aware that I am depressed and my self-esteem is nil and these over anxious thoughts are due to that. It doesnt stop me thinking them though.

It's awful and honestly I wish I could shut myself up.

ShoesoftheWorld · 22/09/2023 13:40

freespirit333 · 22/09/2023 13:03

YABU. Honestly the “you look tired”/“ooh yes you don’t look well at all” brigade can do one looking at you MIL. Yes I know I look like shit after 3 days of D&V, I don’t need you to point it out.

Tbh, I much prefer a genuine 'you look tired' to an 'oh, you're looking well' when I know I don't at all. Someone I see semi-regularly says this every bloody time and it's clearly a pre-emptive 'well, all's right in your world, isn't it, don't dare say it isn't' (and I'm not a complainer!).

Original poster
JustReallyNotHappyWithMyself · 22/09/2023 13:44

Tempone · 22/09/2023 13:36

This sounds like me op. I constantly worry if I have upset or annoyed people, because I replay the conversation and in my head I sound awful, annoying and comments come out wrong... for me though, I am well aware that I am depressed and my self-esteem is nil and these over anxious thoughts are due to that. It doesnt stop me thinking them though.

It's awful and honestly I wish I could shut myself up.

Big hugs xx

OP posts:
Original poster
JustReallyNotHappyWithMyself · 22/09/2023 13:47

5128gap · 22/09/2023 13:35

Neither of those things are anywhere near as bad as you think.
However, in future you might find it makes you less anxious/avoid pitfalls, to head off with a question rather than a statement. So to new mum, rather than you look tired 'How are you? Are you coping with the tiredness?'
To uni friend mum 'how is yours getting on?'
After they answer you can then respond to what they've said with acknowledgement 'that's good to know' etc.
Have a few none controversial questions up your sleeve and don't feel the need to rush in with comments yourself. Most people love the opportunity to speak and be listened to, so you should be very popular!

Thanks for the tip! I know these are basic conversational skills and just good manners, I just need to be much more aware of what I'm saying...

OP posts:
incognito50me · 22/09/2023 13:51

I have become less obviously shy as I got older, but at the cost of blurting things out. With me I think it's anxiety and the need to fill the silence (when I was young, I was just shy and quiet before I felt comfortable).

If I remember that every silence does not need to be filled, I do better. But I am so familiar with thinking about things I had said and wishing to turn back time (case in point: meeting my DD's BF's mom, ugh, some things that passed my lips).

Nosleepforthismum · 22/09/2023 14:01

Oh I feel you on this one OP! I used to be very similar and can still be a little like it if I’ve had a drink but the things that help me are to mentally draw up a list of neutral questions before going somewhere. For example, a friend with a new baby “how are you feeling? Are you getting much sleep? Are the family delighted? Aren’t they gorgeous etc”. I’m much worse with randomly bumping into people on the street but ALWAYS start with some inane weather chat to buy you some time to get your brain engaged. There’s a reason people chat about the weather!

ittakes2 · 22/09/2023 14:34

I think you should google inattentive ADHD and see if you recognise the traits in you., We all have this in our family and speaking before we think sometimes is unfortunately a trait. Don't be so hard on yourself though you sound like you are kind and caring and this would be showing through to the people you care about and who care for you.

MasterBeth · 22/09/2023 15:35

I say dumb shit all the time. I apologise when I have. Own your mistakes. That helps.

jane1956 · 22/09/2023 16:30

Mine was forgetting son had a ring doorbell, we were tidying his garden while he was on holiday, I said "hope he dosn't bring us back a tea towel for all the work we have done! Think I deserve a bttle of perfume" Was said in a joke ofcourse. But guess what he came round with when he got back. Would never have asked felt so embarrased, must remember the bloody ring doorbell in future

TheYearOfSmallThings · 22/09/2023 16:41

Bobbotgegrinch · 22/09/2023 13:15

You need to learn to love silence. I used to be like this, and I started consciously stopping and leaving a couple of seconds before responding, just to give my brain time to catch up.

To start with, you think that people must think you're an idiot, but you soon realise that most people do it, instead of rushing to fill the gap in conversation instantly.

This is excellent advice. Instead of babbling desperately to avoid silence, let a silence occur. Listen to what the other person is saying.

I disagree that the things you said were caring or ditsy or endearing - I think you are right to try and take more care what you say (I have had to do the same thing). The comment about your daughter dragging the other woman's daughter out of her room to save from social isolation and mental illness was particularly outrageous. I can't even see how that one was meant to be taken.

theduchessofspork · 22/09/2023 16:48

Bit of both

It does happen to all of us, but if you do it a lot, then work out how to add a filter (CBT for anxiety maybe?)

Asking a new mum why she looks tired is just ditsy, and you can easily say, oh god sorry, wasn’t thinking.

The comment about the kid at uni, is a bit more involved - I can see you’re filling a silence, but you need a stop and think technique.

theduchessofspork · 22/09/2023 16:50

… but in general try to have a rule not to comment on people’s appearance. It’s generally annoying, and will keep you out of some trouble.