I keep saying stupid things...and despise myself for it

[JustReallyNotHappyWithMyself]

Literally that. I've always done this, I think it may be out of nervousness when having a conversation with someone. I have very low self-esteem, and I think I just babble and say things out of awkwardness. Never anything deliberately nasty or mean, but sometimes yes, it can be taken as that, or else just a really unwarranted or inappropriate opinion. I wish I could just think before I speak or maybe just keep quiet, but instead I'll come out with something really stupid, and I'll hate myself for it afterwards. I wake up the next day with that horrible feeling you get when something bad has happened. And dwell on it for days/weeks afterwards.

It's usually with people that I don't see very often (as in, not family but maybe some random acquaintance that I'll meet at school or in a shop), so I have no way of going back and apologising. But then I think maybe apologising might be drawing more attention to it, and maybe they'd already forgotten about it. Or maybe they do actually think, "what an inappropriate/horrible/daft thing to say, what on earth did she say that for?"

I know I should give examples, and feel really embarassed having to do so, and I know I'll get totally slated on here. But along the lines of:

1. Telling a new mum, "Are you ok? You look really tired"....I mean, that's just nasty and why on earth would you say that?!
2. Speaking to my child's friend's parents and saying that my child was trying to get theirs to go out during freshers week at uni and not stay stuck in their room as they don't want them struggling with lonliness and getting depressed. Their child is quite shy and introverted. Friend's mum taking that really badly, like, "what do you mean, my child is depressed?" and the friend telling my child, "why the heck is your mum telling my mum I'm depressed? what have you said to your mum to make her think I'm depressed?" So my big mouth is causing issues in their friendship. But I didn't mean it that way, just meant that mine was concerned that their friend might get a bit lonely and feel sad. I had to keep saying I'm sorry, it was just a lighthearted comment and I meant nothing by it. But it's haunting me so much that I even said that. Like, what was the need, and why didn't I just shut my mouth? But I was babbling out of nervousness. (Yes, this mum is super cool and successful and self-assured and I'm just a mess). My child reassured me that it's fine, and I didn't say anything out of order, but I don't agree.

Honestly, I despise this about myself so much. It actually makes me really upset and I withdraw a lot into myself anytime this happens, and just stop talking.

I guess my AIBU is:
YABU - You really ought to say nothing if you can't say anything nice. Or stop and think before you speak, as this can be hurtful to other people
YANBU - This happens to the best of us and not everyone is able to slow down a conversation and think about everything they're going to say before they say it. You're probably making a bigger issue of it than it is, and the other person will forget about it quite quickly.

This may sound like strange advice, but have you considered embracing the idea that you’re not that nice, and that’s okay? There’s nothing particularly “not nice” in what you’ve said honestly , but maybe there is something that’s not wholly non-judgemental going on in your thoughts below the surface. People often quite like people like that, especially if they own it. I know I do.
As in, when the mother quizzed you on what you meant by implying her child might be lonely etc, saying something like “I don’t know, probably no good reason for thinking that, but suppose I do see him as an introvert which I associate with depression”. The fact that you are so hard on yourself does suggest to me you might be quite judgmental or at least very good at perceiving people’s shortcomings, even if you’d never dare let yourself consciously think it.
Making a lot of guesses here based on my own experience.

Good post. The silly prattle comes from a horror of silence. Learn to tolerate normal pauses and gaps in conversation.

We all say things that perhaps are best left unsaid at times. No point despising yourself , you've noticed it , now work on it. Just think before you think. People don't need to know your opinions.

^This

OP don't beat yourself up, as others have said, likely anxiety and lack of self-esteem. If I find the answer you'll be the first to hear, sadly I'm much 'worse' and not half as nice as you.

I hope I'm not making an incorrect assumption, but I suspect you find that compliments are hard to take - not unwelcome, just awkward - but this thread alone should tell you that you've a lot to be proud of. Be yourself.

I'm just like you. I have late diagnosed adhd. Might be worth looking up how it presents in women see if it sounds familiar.

How old are you?
I am an extremely confident person yet spent 2 years of my life paralysed with anxiety about things I had said.
Was entirely hormonal and fixed by HRT.

I have a tendency of a smart mouth, not saying you have this, but there are times when I've kind of overstepped but have now learned to think before I speak and it has actually helped big time. Many is the time now I heave a sigh of relief that I kept quiet.

I'm always blurting out a load of old nonsense. If not, i'm saying things that aren't true because i feel i need to respond to people. I need time to process and reflect and if i don't have this i really struggle. Sometimes i speak and no sound comes out at all, or sentences that don't make sense.

Thinking about my friends - sometimes they will say something that surprises me, but because i know their intentions are good i easily forgive them all sorts of comments.

If you had said either of those things to me I wouldn’t have taken them badly. I would have thought a) I looked tired and you were concerned for me- nice thing and b) your child was trying to be a good friend to mine and that is invaluable to me - also a nice thing!

Id also presume you were a lovely mum to have a child who tried to look out for others.

Oh yes to blurting out things I don’t even believe or think normally.
The tip about the silence is good - however I hope the other person doesn’t get bored and make an excuse to wander off.

So that’s your fear when you blurt out inane stuff, that the person you’re talking to will get bored and wander off if you don’t say something, however mad?

In your shoes, I’d examine that assumption. Why is it on you to keep a conversation going and ‘entertain’ the other person? Why is it your responsibility to fill silences?

My mother has two conversational modes, and neither of them have made her lasting friends. One is just mindless (nervous) echoing of the other person — yes, it’s pure nerves and poor self-esteem, but I’ve heard her nodding along with and parroting extreme racism, for instance, because she thinks it must be right if some else says so. Even though she doesn’t fundamentally agree.

The other mode just shows she’s not thinking about the other person at all, just randomly casting around for stuff she’s heard other people say, regardless of audience eg a little laugh and ‘Ooh, we all need to watch the calories and be strong enough to say no to dessert, don’t we?’ but when speaking to a female triathlete who ingests a bazillion calories a day while training, and who was a bit baffled.

Example 1 - I can see why someone might be offended if they were told they look “tired” but considering she was a new mum it might have been true! Either way I wouldn’t judge you or dislike you for it.
Example 2 - you didn’t do anything wrong and I think you’re DD’s response was spot on.

I think sometimes we just have accept who we are. Having to overanalyse everything we say, before we say it , can be become very draining and stops us from being our true self. And coming across as “fake” is way worse than babbling in my opinion. You sound like a lovely thoughtful person, try not be so hard on yourself.

I've recently been diagnosed with adhd as a 38 year old and have always struggled to engage my brain before opening my mouth 😅
I'm also always cringing for being an oversharer. I think I don't care as much about it as I used to but it still bothers me and makes me avoid some social situations. It's called rumination when you dwell on things. Had cbt which helped me manage things, highly recommend.

Me too, for me defo an adhd thing. Knowing I have adhd at the age of 38 helps me forgive myself more for things and be easier in myself for the way I am!

My teenage ds has diagnosed ocd although alot better since he's had 6 months of erp. Part of this was also obsessing about past mistakes. He would literally spend everyday going over things he said/did when he was 13! Even now although he's alot better comes home from college and has to tell me the awful things he said and he's there punishing himself for it. None of the things like yours are that bad at all and alot of people wouldn't even think about it again.

I have done this twice in my life. I will never forget saying either of them and I have absolutely no idea why they came out of my mouth.

The first was after my 6th miscarriage, a girl who I used to sit next to at work had just returned from her 20 week scan and the first thing I said to her was 'go on then, is it still alive'. I don't know why I said it and I apologised profusely and she was fine but I could have shot my self for saying it.

The second was talking to a woman in the street who I knew but not particularly well but was the foster mum of one of my sons friends. She told me she had been diagnosed with lung cancer. The first thing out of my mouth was 'never mind, Will 'sons friend' be attending beavers tonight'. What a dick to have said it but say it I did.

OP it's your self-perception and self-esteem that's the issue. You've said in this post that you are "stupid" and that you hate yourself. That's the problem right there. Not with any of your behaviour.

None of what you've described here sounds wrong or inappropriate to me. What you've done is signal that you are a kind, empathetic and emotionally intelligent person who is reaching out to let people know you are interested in their wellbeing. Nobody would be offended by this. At absolute worse some very private people might not want to go there with you. But your instincts are not wrong and nothing you've said or done is wrong.

I pretty much guarantee you if a strong-willed, confident person had had these interactions a) the people on the receiving end wouldn't have thought anything of it and b) they wouldn't given it a second thought.

You need to stop seeing this through the lens of "I've done this wrong" and train yourself to think: "I am who I am and I'm doing my best, its enough and I like myself." And the rest will come.

I'm making this sound easier than it is and I don't want to trivialise this because I know it isn't easy. It sounds like some counselling would really help you. But I promise once you see it from someone else's perspective you will realise you've been unduly hard on yourself.

I have a similar weirdness too in that I can talk very fluently and have a good laugh with people on a social level BUT in work when I talk to my superiors I become such an awkward fool. I literally really struggle with things to say and struggle that the things I could talk about ( kids, weekend plans etc) wouldn't be appropriate. I have always had this were I really struggle to feel comfortable and talk normally to anyone a rank higher than me in work - yet outside of work you'd never, ever guess this. Infact I'd actually be so embarrassed if a work colleague saw me out with friends because I'd be like two different people

Ha, are you me?

I have a friend who sounds exactly like you (I wonder if you're actually her)!

I will give the same advice to you that I will eventually give to her, but sometimes it's OK to not contribute to a conversation other than the bare minimum or let the other person start the conversation.

She always seems to say something silly when she's under pressure.

If you also cringe after making a particular comment in fear of how it's coming across, also feel free to say that you didn't mean how it came across then and there. She feels comfortable apologising to me after some things have came out of her mouth and I appreciate her for it.

@dikdikwad I can't believe you asked someone if their baby was still alive. That's shocked me a little.

Poor you, though - I can only imagine how much you kicked yourself after saying that.

I think we put so much pressure on ourselves to make good chatty conversation when we bump into people that we sometimes say these awkward things just because we don't know what else to say. So you bumped into your DD's friends mum and the bit about your DD taking the friend out was relevant to the mum and you could recall it.
However if you weren't stressing about the chat you would have said something along the lines of "how is DD getting on" or "is DD happy with her halls"
I have slowly learnt to have a few stock chat topics and also just leave after a few polite words " well lovely to see you, etc" and off you go. So there are less options for saying something daft.
If you saw a therapist they would probably help with some strategies.

Oh God, I could have written this myself. Try not to be too hard on yourself. Xx

@JustReallyNotHappyWithMyself please you are not alone and have actually made me feel better as I have been sat ruminating all day over some stuff I said to some friends recently 🤦🏼‍♀️ I hate myself for it but you're post OP has made me realise I'm only human and it's not just me who does this

@Weddingpuzzle snap. I can be a little bit awkward here and there when sober but mostly very controlled and considered but my gosh when I get drunk I try to get deep with everyone and ask such personal questions in a quest to form some sort drunken bond. I'm surprised it's not lost me more friends then it has! Although the jury is still out from a recent event. It's never bad intention just a curiousity about other people's lives. I really regret it the next day and feel like everyone dislikes me. Did you stop drinking altogether?

@Thepeopleversuswork what lovely advice