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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband not caring about me

145 replies

mumtoboys12 · 22/09/2023 10:19

Hey. I was wondering if anyone could please give me some insight to whether I am being unfair or sensitive.
We have two children - 3 year old and 7 month old.
I am on maternity leave still, due to return back to work soon. Husband works full time but chooses his own hours due to type of role. He works very hard however.
Long story short- my husband has never done a night feed. States he needs the sleep as he's working (he can wake up at 9am and still go to work.). He sees me absolutely exhausted, and still doesn't get up to do a feed to let me have that bit of extra sleep. He does wake up with our 3 year old some mornings at 7am, but then our youngest wakes and I'm up anyway too. On weekends, he goes upstairs during the day to nap or naps on the couch when I have the kids , will rarely suggest I nap instead even if I'm telling him I'm tired.
Over the last few weeks, little one has been awake 1am-5am and I've been lying in bed in tears watching the monitor or getting up and down up and down settling him, my husband sees me doing this but doesn't offer to help. He wonders why I get angry at him and shout at him that he's useless.
This morning in the early hours when I was trying to settle him, I said to my husband "please can you wake up with our other child at 7am when he wakes as I really need to sleep I've only had an hour all night." His response was no I'm having a lie in tomorrow I'm tired." And he did- I woke with both kids at 630am, got one of them to pre school and back. When I got back he was still in bed.
I feel sad, lonely, and like we aren't a team.
This is an example of many. He's never put our 7 month old to bed. He has to be told and shown everything for our children, ie if the outfits aren't laid out and he's asked to get them dressed then he wont.
He states I should respect him more because he pays our mortgage and bills. He says we have our own jobs and his is putting the bins out and the gardening. I am never shown appreciation for everything I do around the home, we have the most beautiful spotless home because of what I do day in day out. And every day, he will make it unclean and untidy again through not giving a shit. Ie - leaving clothes everywhere, towel on the floor after shower, toothpaste all over the sink, won't make the bed when he gets up. Our children are so well looked after by me, they have everything they need and want for nothing, beautiful bedrooms and well dressed. He never shows me appreciation for that. It's just taken for granted.
I just need some clarity as to whether I'm asking too much of a man who works full time, or if he is really taking the mick out of me here. He swears in front of the children to the point that the oldest is now repeating it. He has a sense of self importance that just makes me sad as we are both equal. AIBU- should I just put up with it as he works full time? I'm back to work very soon and I'm going to be burnt out exhausted if this carries on. Any advice would be great. Thankyou. Xxx

OP posts:
MistyBay · 22/09/2023 19:27

mumtoboys12 · 22/09/2023 19:22

@MistyBay I can't afford £1600 a month which is what the mortgage is??

depending on finances he may still have to pay for the mortgage whilst you stay on in the house until a ‘trigger event’ Does he earn enough to pay the mortgage and also rent a flat? Court will take into consideration both parties living costs. Likely he will need to pay spouse maintenance to you and child maintenance. You need a solicitor or a mediator is cheaper.

Original poster
mumtoboys12 · 22/09/2023 19:29

@MistyBay he earns £5k a month. I've been earning nothing.

OP posts:
Original poster
mumtoboys12 · 22/09/2023 19:29

@MistyBay what's a mediator? Sorry for the questions you're very helpful.

OP posts:
ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 22/09/2023 19:30

mumtoboys12 · 22/09/2023 19:21

I have another question. When I was on maternity leave with our first son, I had to take out a personal loan for 15,000 to get me through as he wanted me to pay childcare and bills then too. I have to pay back £250 a month now which he doesn't know about I just say it's my pension.
Will this effect me?

Once you have the financial information you will be better placed to judge if you have been economically abused. If he has left you paying an unfair share of the bills meaning you ended up in debt whilst he had savings that can be looked into as a potential indicator of abusive behaviour.

Desperatetime · 22/09/2023 19:30

Op you will come out the other side I'm certain

Original poster
mumtoboys12 · 22/09/2023 19:33

@ChazsBrilliantAttitude yeah he has a load of savings. I've taken out a 15k loan and also spent all my 10l savings to pay for childcare and food for the home. He gets paid so much money a month. He pays the mortgage and bills(only up until recently, I was paying for them from savings for 5m)

OP posts:
Hollyisalrightactuallysorry · 22/09/2023 19:38

OP the more you write, the angrier I am at him for making you think this is normal! You have shared earnings and shared outgoings. You shouldn't be taking out loans while he's saving money for your JOINT children

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 22/09/2023 19:38

It sounds like you are being economically abused. This is taken far more seriously now than it used to be.

To be blunt - if you want a measure of how little he cares about you he is happy to let you subsidise him and struggle in debt whilst he saves. I earn far more than DH and I pay the vast majority of the bills. I would feel sick if he was struggling and I was comfortable. Would you treat your DH as he has treated you?

Original poster
mumtoboys12 · 22/09/2023 19:51

@Hollyisalrightactuallysorry that's nothing. He will even go to lengths as buying us a Chinese for £30. Then the next day, tell me because he spent £30 last night I have to buy x today. I didn't even ask for the Chinese or tell him I would pay for other stuff. It's just relentless. Even when he spends £20 at the shop for dog food or baby milk, he will ask me for £10. We are married ffs. And I'm not earning!!!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
mumtoboys12 · 22/09/2023 19:53

@ChazsBrilliantAttitude no I would never let him suffer. He used to earn pennies and I was in very well paid job. I used to pay for everything because I knew he couldn't. . I left due to children, now have a mediocre job earning not very much, and it's his turn to hold us up, but he still isn't.

OP posts:
Trianglesandcircles1 · 22/09/2023 19:53

He is financially abusive, and highly unlikely to be honest during the divorce.
Get gathering evidence of his finances asap, and keep it as secret as you can.

You will be SO much better off after you divorce him.

Smineusername · 22/09/2023 19:56

Fucking get rid. Piece of shit

Desperatetime · 22/09/2023 20:08

Jesus financial abuser as well

Desperatetime · 22/09/2023 20:11

It gets worse the more we hear he is abusing you in every area of your life

Original poster
mumtoboys12 · 22/09/2023 20:12

@Desperatetime yep but he wraps it up very well

OP posts:
mrlistersgelfbride · 22/09/2023 20:13

I am seeing this more and more on Mumsnet. It's so sad.
This man is unbelievably lazy, selfish, disrespectful. You sound like a lovely woman and an amazing mother.

I'm not judging as I have the same 'relationship' with my partner.
I know how hard it is too when you don't have family who will accommodate you and your children.
Sending you a hug and solidarity.
No more kids with him and save what you can even if it's just a pound a day.
You don't have to live by his rules forever.

Desperatetime · 22/09/2023 20:14

He's not fooling anybody op

therealcookiemonster · 22/09/2023 20:19

@mumtoboys12 let me make something absolutely clear to you - you don't love him. you don't want to stay with him. this feeling you have of not wanting him to leave, it's called Stockholm syndrome. it's when abusers break down their victim to such an extent that the victim can't imagine a life without them (that's not the actual definition, I am paraphrasing). you need to leave. as soon as possible.

many Solicitors will give you some free advice and some will work on the basis of payment after settlement. women's aid will give you fantastic advice as will many wise mumsnetters. there is support out there, you are not alone. and by the sounds of it you need to do the freedom project.

don't be afraid of your financial future. you will likely be much much better off financially after divorce. you will be eligible for child maintenance and UC. the house is 50% yours as are all his savings. divorce will be hard but both you and the kids will be better off.

and also you won't be have to clean up after him once you leave.

you need to be more secretive. you cannot trust him one bit. he will start hiding his money, so you need get hold of all his financial information as fast as you can. just shut him out, do what you need to do and get out. you can do this.

Original poster
mumtoboys12 · 22/09/2023 20:21

@mrlistersgelfbride Thankyou you're so lovely. I have to be strong xxx

OP posts:
Original poster
mumtoboys12 · 22/09/2023 20:22

@therealcookiemonster yes you're right. But I'm worried because he's been paying the mortage. Albeit from the joint account he pays into each month. What if they say he gets more because he's been paying it?

OP posts:
Original poster
mumtoboys12 · 22/09/2023 20:24

I feel like just kicking him out in a rage, changing the locks, telling his mum to piss off as she's been so vile about me, and never letting any of them see my babies again. They are too precious to be subjected to any of this rubbish. I just want happiness and safety for them.

OP posts:
Ophy83 · 22/09/2023 20:26

They won't- on divorce you are entitled to at least half. You need legal advice because it may be that the home should remain the home for the children until they reach 18, but that doesn't leave you liable for the entire mortgage. Maybe half. There's also child and spousal maintenance if you can't support yourself alone. But you need a lawyer to properly advise! They may agree to defer their fee.

therealcookiemonster · 22/09/2023 20:29

@mumtoboys12 I know you are feeling awful but you need take a deep breath and deal with this completely ice cold. you can't lock him out because it's his house too and you need to play your cards right to make sure you get a decent custody arrangement. any rash action can portray you in a negative light. you have to keep a cool head.

start compiling all the financial info from the beginning of your marriage. what you contributed, what he contributed, your debts. you need to build up a picture of the financial abuse that's been happening.

don't panic.

Original poster
mumtoboys12 · 22/09/2023 20:35

@therealcookiemonster Thankyou I will start doing that xxx

OP posts:
MsCactus · 22/09/2023 20:38

Your DH is ridiculous OP.

Looking after a baby badly has way worse consequences than him doing his job tired (worst case scenario something happens to the baby because of your tiredness - whereas the worst that happens to him is he gets sacked and finds another job).

He needs to be doing at least half of the nights. Leave him if he won't. You deserve better!