Husband not caring about me

[mumtoboys12]

Hey. I was wondering if anyone could please give me some insight to whether I am being unfair or sensitive.
We have two children - 3 year old and 7 month old.
I am on maternity leave still, due to return back to work soon. Husband works full time but chooses his own hours due to type of role. He works very hard however.
Long story short- my husband has never done a night feed. States he needs the sleep as he's working (he can wake up at 9am and still go to work.). He sees me absolutely exhausted, and still doesn't get up to do a feed to let me have that bit of extra sleep. He does wake up with our 3 year old some mornings at 7am, but then our youngest wakes and I'm up anyway too. On weekends, he goes upstairs during the day to nap or naps on the couch when I have the kids , will rarely suggest I nap instead even if I'm telling him I'm tired.
Over the last few weeks, little one has been awake 1am-5am and I've been lying in bed in tears watching the monitor or getting up and down up and down settling him, my husband sees me doing this but doesn't offer to help. He wonders why I get angry at him and shout at him that he's useless.
This morning in the early hours when I was trying to settle him, I said to my husband "please can you wake up with our other child at 7am when he wakes as I really need to sleep I've only had an hour all night." His response was no I'm having a lie in tomorrow I'm tired." And he did- I woke with both kids at 630am, got one of them to pre school and back. When I got back he was still in bed.
I feel sad, lonely, and like we aren't a team.
This is an example of many. He's never put our 7 month old to bed. He has to be told and shown everything for our children, ie if the outfits aren't laid out and he's asked to get them dressed then he wont.
He states I should respect him more because he pays our mortgage and bills. He says we have our own jobs and his is putting the bins out and the gardening. I am never shown appreciation for everything I do around the home, we have the most beautiful spotless home because of what I do day in day out. And every day, he will make it unclean and untidy again through not giving a shit. Ie - leaving clothes everywhere, towel on the floor after shower, toothpaste all over the sink, won't make the bed when he gets up. Our children are so well looked after by me, they have everything they need and want for nothing, beautiful bedrooms and well dressed. He never shows me appreciation for that. It's just taken for granted.
I just need some clarity as to whether I'm asking too much of a man who works full time, or if he is really taking the mick out of me here. He swears in front of the children to the point that the oldest is now repeating it. He has a sense of self importance that just makes me sad as we are both equal. AIBU- should I just put up with it as he works full time? I'm back to work very soon and I'm going to be burnt out exhausted if this carries on. Any advice would be great. Thankyou. Xxx

He's a disgusting misogynist.

He has no respect for you at all.

Leave before he destroys your sanity.

Hi OP,

Here is how to end your marriage, and how not to:

1. Ending a marriage when you are married and have children is emphatically not the same as when you are just living with a boyfriend child-free. A child-free girlfriend can just tell him it is over and move out - you can't and shouldn't do this.
2. Don't move out
3. Don't tell him you want to split, or are having doubts about the marriage - instead carry on as 'normal', make him think you have given up trying to change anything. This is very important at this stage.
4. Start gathering financial evidence - his payslips and bank statements if you can, but if that is all online and password-protected then at least get names of banks where he may have an account (any old letters?) and his employers name and address. Same for any pensions, and cars if they are very valuable. Look for any paperwork you can. If he is self-employed, try to find the name of his accountant, but don't contact the accountant. Get details of the mortgage. Do all this in secret - if he suspects, he may try to hide assets and money.
5. Take the evidence out of the house, or scan and keep it safe online. Consider giving your important documents to someone else (passport, birth certs for you and children, etc.) or take all the papers to your workplace for safety.
6. When you have finished gathering evidence, tell him you want to split up. Get a second-hand single bed, or just a mattress, and start sleeping in the children's room (assuming no spare bedroom), or sleep on the sofa. Move as many clothes of your and personal items out of the bedroom as you can find room for elsewhere.
7. Start saving every penny you can. No more nice food.
8. Stop doing any housework for him. Don't do his laundry or cooking, don't buy food for him, don't clean the bedroom you have moved out of.
9. Be prepared for the love-bombing. He may beg, swear he will change, start doing a bit more round the home, or even go the whole-hog and appear to become a brand new man. Don't believe it, it won't last.
10. Get to a solicitor. Phone a few and ask about their fees and expertise in divorce cases.
11. Get divorced. You do this before moving out. Don't move out.
12. The divorce will take a while, so meanwhile you go back to work.
13. When the love-bombing doesn't work, he may get really nasty. If he starts getting angry to the point of scaring you, be prepared to go to the police. Don't believe him if he says he will take the children fifty-fifty, or even take them away. Don't let him try to step-in and become their primary carer, e.g. by giving up his job (this will mess up the divorce settlement). Don't believe him if he threatens suicide. Don't start to feel sorry for him - find your own anger.
14. Continue to save as much as you can. As part of the final divorce stage, the house will be settled by the courts (or possibly in mediation). Either you will be able to stay there until the youngest child is 18 whilst he pays the mortgage, or it may be sold and you will get a chunk of equity. You will also get maintenance for the children, although if he is self-employed it will be very difficult to actually get the money.
15. If the decision is to sell, at that point you start looking for somewhere to live. Enquire about benefits for working single-parents.

Wishing you every strength.

@JudyP I've shown him it and he said you are all bitches with their claws out and he's said I've painted him in a bad light and it's made it all easier for him (I've told him I want a divorce)

@Trianglesandcircles1 Thankyou so so much. I wish there were more people in the world like you xxxx

So I've just done something I've never done before and looked at his phone. I read a message he sent his mum saying how I want him to leave she's such a bitch she can't cope etc. and his mum agrees and has been absolutely vile about me. Literally some of the worst things I've ever read. I'm fuming but haven't told him I've read it yet. It just makes me more upset that people I trusted and loved are on his side because they are all like that on his side! Like I said earlier his mother was abused by her husband and he never helped her. He just provided money and demanded sex twice a day every day. She thinks misogyny is great and normal. I don't know what to do now I never want my children seeing her again.

Please give women’s aid a call as your next step, and start urgently collating any kind of evidence for your divorce, finances, messages etc x

Update- after telling me he's going to stay at his parents (as I requested) he's now cooking me dinner. Was overly loving to the children. Asked me have I got him a suitcase down from the loft but hasn't got it himself. What does this mean? We haven't said a word to each other .

@MariaVT65 do you need evidence for a divorce?!

I’m not sure of the ins and outs of divorce but he sounds the type to pull some kind of shit or make you out to be at fault so it can’t hurt to back yourself up. Maybe some other posters here might be able to give you some better advice if they have been through a divorce as I only have my parents to go on.

Make him get his own fucking suitcase and ask him when he’s leaving.

That sounds really sad and so awful. If he won't change, you know what you have to do.

Jesus you poor woman OP.

What a horrid man I wouldn't even want to leave the kids with such a uncaring person.
Just don't do anything for him op nothing at all.

@MariaVT65 he's got inside my head so no I I don't even want him to go. It's ridiculous.

This is the 'love-bombing' bit I wrote about in my post. It won't last.

@Trianglesandcircles1 yes I thought that. Even looking at him just makes my skin crawl now. I just want my children to be happy. I'm so fucked off my life has gone this way. Everyone warned me about him. But I didn't listen.

Your in turmoil op but I think he's playing mind games now.

You need evidence for the financial settlement.
In theory both parties have to declare everything to the court/lawyers like income and assets and pensions, in total honesty.
In practice many abusive men don't declare everything honestly and try to hide the truth of their finances.

@Desperatetime I just want him to show me love and care and think about me that's all I've ever wanted. I am in turmoil I feel weird and sick and like I just want to run away

Look up Masher law. It’s where you get to stay in the house and not have it sold from under you if you have dependents. For gods sake fight for the home. He would have to take you to court to force a sale and with everything considered the court will probably not look on him favourably.

I have another question. When I was on maternity leave with our first son, I had to take out a personal loan for 15,000 to get me through as he wanted me to pay childcare and bills then too. I have to pay back £250 a month now which he doesn't know about I just say it's my pension.
Will this effect me?

@MistyBay I can't afford £1600 a month which is what the mortgage is??

Here is some info about a Mesher Order - you are the primary carer. Make sure if you qualify for Child Benefit it’s in your name not his.
https://www.co-oplegalservices.co.uk/media-centre/articles-jan-apr-2018/mesher-orders-explained/

Slow down.
Deep breaths. Go for a walk if you can, or put on some music and do a bit of dancing in the kitchen.

There is no rush.
You have told him now, so too late for much secrecy, but drop the subject. No more conversations. Let him think the love-bombing is working. Don't talk about it any more.

Just slow down, take your time, let your mind and emotions settle a bit over the next few weeks.
But do start gathering financial evidence soon.

He will never give you what you want or need, because that is not who he is.

These are the kinds of questions that can be settle in the final stage of divorce. Don't get ahead of yourself.

You’re looking at the wrong problem. When I was on May leave, I did all the night feeds as my dh had to get up and go to work. But he never left towels on the floor, left all the childcare to me and disrespected me in the way that your dh seems to do. Tell him.