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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For not letting my sister enter my apartment

84 replies

yelloworangepurple · 22/09/2023 07:15

For some background, my sister has been quite mean to me growing up, verging on bullying.

3 years ago I moved out and lived in my apartment. Since then I have avoided my sister like the plague, eg. not showing up to the events she is in.

Yesterday I came down with the flu and have told my mum to tell her that I won't be able to visit her tomorrow. She accidentally told my sister about my flu and my sister has been texting me to come round my apartment to take care of me. I am adamant not to let her since I am perfectly capable of keeping myself alive.

I feel bad since I think she might have a good intention, but I still believe that she hasn't changed and is concerned that she might steal something from my apartment. (her habit since we were young)

OP posts:
smallshinybutton · 22/09/2023 07:49

Tell her you're fine thanks and will be sleeping so please don't come round and wake you up

MidnightOnceMore · 22/09/2023 07:51

yelloworangepurple · 22/09/2023 07:45

It is only because my parents would be upset should I completely cut her off, and I don't want that as I value a good relationship with my parents

Show quote history

I understand.

Just send back a light message saying 'I'd rather just get better in my own company. Will be in touch when I'm recovered enough to meet' or similar.

Don't engage. Just deflect.

Oftenaddled · 22/09/2023 07:54

I like my sisters and I like to be ill alone.

Don't let them over-complicate things while you're not well. Sounds a bit melodramatic from your sister. Could be performing. Could be bridge building. It can wait.

Just tell them all you are more relaxed on your own, will text your mum with update in the evening (or whenever).
Get well soon. You can look after yourself with mild flu - it's a myth that flu is always debilitating, as I'm sure you know. But I'd find it really claustrophobic if somebody moved in to look after me.

JemimaTiggywinkles · 22/09/2023 07:55

As a little aside you haven't got the flu. If you did you wouldn't be able to lift your head for more than 10 seconds on day 2 let alone start a post on MN.

Absolute nonsense. Flu is significantly worse than a bad cold but not everyone is unable to lift their head! I was able to drink water and get myself to the loo throughout the one time I had it.

Lilibert456 · 22/09/2023 07:55

Just say NO THANKS and mean it. Don't answer the door to her if she turns up.

IncompleteSenten · 22/09/2023 07:57

Say no and don't let her in.

It may be she wants to build bridges but that can be done over time and outside your home. If you want to give her a chance.

CherryMaDeara · 22/09/2023 07:58

smilesup · 22/09/2023 07:47

How is she? Could she have grown up? I hated my sister, properly hated her until we were in our 20s. I love her very much now in our 40s and would have missed out on a great relationship had I cut her off.
Now if she had continued her poor behaviour as an adult I would then cut her off.
As a little aside you haven't got the flu. If you did you wouldn't be able to lift your head for more than 10 seconds on day 2 let alone start a post on MN. Maybe she thinks you really have the flu, and need help to get to the loo etc.

OP may be recovering, you really don’t know anything about her condition.

Pottomous2 · 22/09/2023 07:59

A simple “no thank you, but thanks for thinking of me!” Is enough, then reply to nothing else.
She has an agenda, you don’t need to see it.

Curseofthenation · 22/09/2023 07:59

I wouldn't let her in. She can build bridges with you when you have your wits about you and feel well.

OneLittleFinger · 22/09/2023 08:01

She wants to come round as you're vulnerable, she wants to encroach on your territory and she wants to be seen as being kind so you can't complain she's a bitch.

Text her, and your mother, to say you do not want company and that youll be switching off your phone so youre not disturbed. Not response is NOT a sign you need immediate assistance. Lock the door and shift something heavy in front of it as necessary. Block your sister on the phone if you don't want to turn it off.

When you're feeling better have a stern word with your mother not to tell your sister anything similar in the future. That she knows how things are with the two of you and you did not need the stress when you're ill. Point out you'll tell her less out of necessity in the future.

Do.not leg your sister in your flat, ever. If you do feel compelled to meet do it somewhere public. Don't let her mar your home. I suspect she's jealous of you and is desperate for you to feel the same way.

IncompleteSenten · 22/09/2023 08:01

I've had the flu and I didn't need to wear nappies and be spoonfed and bed bathed. Yes you feel absolutely awful but you aren't necessarily glued to the bed. Some people are hospitalised, some people die and some people are able to sit up from time to time, use their phone a bit, have a drink, go to the loo...

FOJN · 22/09/2023 08:03

Right now she is sending me sweet messages like how she misses me and is worried about my high fever, which feels quite weird. I don't see what she could get from coming although I don't really want her to, so I am confused about the situation

You don't want her to come round, that's a good enough reason to say no even without all the history.

You are not obliged to indulge her because she appears to be attempting to be nice and because you don't want to hurt her feelings by misjudging her intentions.

It is your home, you can choose who you let in and who you refuse. You do not owe anyone an explanation for why you do not want them in your home.

You can tell her you don't need looking after and then ignore her texts or you can just ignore her.

Don't overthink this. You know what you want and you do not have to give her the benefit of the doubt.

FOJN · 22/09/2023 08:04

Right now she is sending me sweet messages like how she misses me and is worried about my high fever, which feels quite weird. I don't see what she could get from coming although I don't really want her to, so I am confused about the situation

You don't want her to come round, that's a good enough reason to say no even without all the history.

You are not obliged to indulge her because she appears to be attempting to be nice and because you don't want to hurt her feelings by misjudging her intentions.

It is your home, you can choose who you let in and who you refuse. You do not owe anyone an explanation for why you do not want them in your home.

You can tell her you don't need looking after and then ignore her texts or you can just ignore her.

Don't overthink this. You know what you want and you do not have to give her the benefit of the doubt.

jannier · 22/09/2023 08:08

"To be honest sis your incapable of being nice to me whenever we are alone, you've always been that why. Why the hell would I want to put up with that shit at any time let alone when I'm I'll? So no stay away and save your being nice act for when mums around."

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 22/09/2023 08:27

The business about her wearing a mask so no fear of contamination is obviously because you've already said you don't want anyone to catch your flu.

So she's demolishing your excuses one by one. She wants to get into your apartment and have a gander and possibly make more remarks whilst you are vulnerable.

So don't give any more excuses.

It's not worth arguing with her and your mum. Just deflect. You do see her at big gatherings, and that is probably more than enough given the way she treats you.

Today is not the day. This is already stressing you out when you are ill

As PP have said just say. Thanks but I am on the mend and I don't need any help. I just want to sleep. I'm turning off my phone until later today so I can do that.
feel better!

Original poster
yelloworangepurple · 22/09/2023 08:31

I have politely told her that I need to sleep in silence and don't need help, and she answered that I am being way too polite. Its not about whether I need it or not, it is about she wanting to help me out. She also promised to stay as quiet as possible

OP posts:
Sittingonabench · 22/09/2023 08:38

Just say you appreciate the concern but you just want to be left alone. Say you’re going to rest because you’re tired and then stop responding.

midlifecrash · 22/09/2023 08:47

Well if you ever did want to explore recreating a relationship with her, you would do it on neutral territory and when you were feeling 100%. So don’t let her in . Tell her your phone is off while you sleep, double lock the door, etc

FOJN · 22/09/2023 08:48

Its not about whether I need it or not, it is about she wanting to help me out.

It's not about you, it's all about her. I'd be telling her to fuck off right about now.

Stop giving her head space and responding to her texts and don't answer the door if she turns up.

MustGetOutofBed · 22/09/2023 08:50

yelloworangepurple · 22/09/2023 08:31

I have politely told her that I need to sleep in silence and don't need help, and she answered that I am being way too polite. Its not about whether I need it or not, it is about she wanting to help me out. She also promised to stay as quiet as possible

So despite you stating your wishes numerous times, it's about what she wants. You need to stick up for yourself here.

Terrribletwos · 22/09/2023 09:00

yelloworangepurple · 22/09/2023 08:31

I have politely told her that I need to sleep in silence and don't need help, and she answered that I am being way too polite. Its not about whether I need it or not, it is about she wanting to help me out. She also promised to stay as quiet as possible

So she's already disrespecting you and crossing your boundaries! Now you have clarification that it is all about her so stick to your guns and don't reply anymore, she's already arguing with you.

MsRosley · 22/09/2023 09:10

Stop replying to her. Don't answer the phone if she rings and don't answer the door. As others have said, she is deliberately pushing your boundaries which is a red flag in itself. God knows what she has in mind, but you're right not to trust her. No one reasonable would keep on at you like this.

nevynevster · 22/09/2023 09:14

yelloworangepurple · 22/09/2023 08:31

I have politely told her that I need to sleep in silence and don't need help, and she answered that I am being way too polite. Its not about whether I need it or not, it is about she wanting to help me out. She also promised to stay as quiet as possible

Put your earplugs in and don't answer the door!

Olika · 22/09/2023 09:20

I really don't like her pushing herself to help you when you clearly don't want it. She is making this about her, not you. You are the ill one. Tell her you don't need any taking care of but thank you and you will see her in next family gathering. 🤦🏽‍♀️

Passepartoute · 22/09/2023 09:23

Tell her you're going to sleep, put your phone on silent, ignore all her messages.