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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do you wish parents Happy Anniversary

114 replies

BumbleBee75 · 21/09/2023 11:51

So my Dad passed a few years ago now.

Text Mum today as usual asking how she is etc and she goes on to say how she 'managed to get through the day yesterday as it was their Wedding Anniversary'. She said friends had taken her out to try and take her mind off it.

She is a bit melodramatic, always has been, but am I heartless? Do you generally take note of your parents wedding anniversary (or
anyone else's for that matter)

I lost my first husband 19 years ago and nobody has ever text or called me on our wedding anniversary.

Should I have remembered this/called or am I a horrible heartless daughter?

OP posts:
JustRingJoeDuffy · 21/09/2023 12:35

My parents married on my mums birthday, so easy to remember!
I generally just add and Happy Anniversary in her birthday card.
I've only given seperate ones for the milestone anniverseries.

ManateeFair · 21/09/2023 12:44

I know when my parents' wedding anniversary is - I don't send them a card but they used to go out for dinner as a couple to celebrate it most years, and they had a party for their 25th anniversary. We also took them for a meal and got them a cake etc for their 50th.

I don't think your mum is being melodramatic by finding the day a bit difficult now that she's a widow. My MIL doesn't make a big fuss but I know she finds my late FIL's birthday, and their wedding anniversary, to be quite difficult days and she'll often try to do something to take her mind off it.

Topseyt123 · 21/09/2023 12:50

Apart from the big milestone anniversaries, my parents normally forgot their own, just occasionally being reminded if a card from my maternal grandma arrived in the post. So nothing was ever expected from anyone else. That hasn't changed since my Dad died just over two years ago.

They were married for 63 years.

DH and I are no better. We have forgotten almost all but the milestone ones (went on holiday to Spain for our 25th). We've now been married for 30 years.

I do find it a bit mean to call your mother melodramatic over this though. Everyone deals with bereavement differently, and just because many people probably don't bother with this doesn't mean it isn't important to her.

Amblesidebadger · 21/09/2023 12:54

I do but only started sending a card after I was married and they send one to us.

Phos · 21/09/2023 12:56

Considering I forgot my own first anniversary this year I can’t be relied on to remember others’.

LumpyPumpkin · 21/09/2023 13:02

Not a clue when my parents anniversary is. They forget themselves most years.

CoolCalmCollected · 21/09/2023 13:07

Lulubo1 · 21/09/2023 12:05

I feel like the odd one out. I have family members and friends wedding anniversaries on the kitchen calendar. They get cards/texts (some live abroad). My parents get a card and a present every year.

I'm the same.

I always visit my Grandparents on their anniversary and take them a card and a small gift too. (My parents split when I was v young)

I also send anniversary cards to any family/friends whose weddings I attended.

The shops stock hundreds of "On Your Anniversary" cards so it cannot just be you and I @Lulubo1 😂

Dixiechickonhols · 21/09/2023 13:09

I’d mention it to my mum as I know she visits my dads memorial bench etc.
They were married a long time and I know date.

StampOnTheGround · 21/09/2023 13:09

Yes, and my mums even more sensitive to it after my dad died so I need to remember.

themez · 21/09/2023 13:12

My mum outlived my dad by 30 years. I always gave her pink tulips on her wedding anniversary once he died as they were the flowers in her wedding bouquet.

Switcher · 21/09/2023 13:12

As a child I would makey parents a card. I loved the idea somehow, a day for them. Now I do phone her on the day, but I don't want to make her sad, so I don't mention why I'm phoning.

OldTinHat · 21/09/2023 13:13

Yes. I always send my parents and my DSis cards on their wedding anniversaries.

Onceuponaheartache · 21/09/2023 13:13

Honestly I think if your mums friends felt like they needed to take her out then anniversaries are clearly important to her and as her daughter I think you should know when it is and have acknowledged it.

I know my parents anniversary, my future in laws, and my future sister and brother in laws.

I don't understand why you wouldn't. Surely you can understand that just because you don't celebrate that others do?

I do think as a recent widow it was a bit heartless not to have acknowledged it.

Redglitter · 21/09/2023 13:14

I always sent them a card. Since my Dad died both my brother & I always acknowledge it, sometimes just by Whatsapping Mum but its always mentioned. It means a lot to my Mum that we do. We had a family meal out on what would have been their Golden wedding

YukoandHiro · 21/09/2023 13:14

W0tnow · 21/09/2023 12:19

This is not a criticism, just an observation. Only on mumsnet have I ever seen acknowledgment of wedding anniversaries by parents, children, grandparents etc. It’s quite a foreign concept to me.

I think it's both an age and class thing. My parents are now in their 70s, lower middle class by upbringing (though better off now in their own retirement) and they mark every damn thing. We get cards through re post constantly, even to say thank you for cooking Sunday lunch last weekZ

RichardArmitagesWife · 21/09/2023 13:15

Of course I know their anniversary, just as I know their birthdays.
And at the very least I message them, cards for significant years and gifts for the big ones like 25th and 50th etc.

Runnersandtoms · 21/09/2023 13:15

My parents always send us an anniversary card so I tend to send them one as well.... seems churlish not to. Not sure about after one has passed away though.

irregularegular · 21/09/2023 13:16

No, only for a major anniversary (eg gold).

However, I think it is different after one parent has died and you might have checked in with your mum - NOT wished her a Happy Anniversary! - given it was only a few years ago. If after checking in with her for a few years she seems to be fine on that date then you could probably stop.

I certainly always knew when it was and still think of them on the date now (my parents are both dead). You do sound a little unkind.

Splat92 · 21/09/2023 13:16

I generally wish my parents a happy anniversary. We usually have a number of people wish us a happy anniversary but that's mostly because we got married on a very easy to remember date.

SirVixofVixHall · 21/09/2023 13:20

I always sent a card on my parents’ anniversary, and even now that they are both dead I think of them on the day.
My teenage daughters give us cards on ours too.

SirVixofVixHall · 21/09/2023 13:21

I try and remember friends’ major anniversaries.

Alconleigh · 21/09/2023 13:21

It's in March, I can tell you that. But I don't send a card, or to anyone else for their anniversaries. They are a celebration for 2 people, in my view.

HowDoYouExpectMeToGrowIfYouWontLetMeBlow · 21/09/2023 13:23

I know when my parents anniversary is, but I don't send them a card, surely it's their event to celebrate as a couple.

MIL gets very upset when DP doesn't take a card and flowers round for her anniversary with his step dad. DP's birthday is the day after their anniversary and if he doesn't go round, she doesn't bring him anything for his birthday.

pickledandpuzzled · 21/09/2023 13:25

Given her mum hasn't needed to check in with her daughter since she lost her husband 19 years ago, I can see OP's point.

Was it a special one, OP? Mum was a bit emotional on what would have been their 60th.

It is tricky. I'm guessing your mum is mainly about getting support rather than offering it?

DappledThings · 21/09/2023 13:30

I only mark anyone's anniversary if they are having an event. PiL had a party for their 40th and will probably do something for their 50th next year so that will be the second time ever we've sent anyone a card for it.

We got one card from friends on our first anniversary which I found very odd. Nice, but definitely odd.