DH won't do family admin

[LondonDonut]

My 12-yr-old DS has braces and my DH had arranged a follow-up appointment which neither he nor I could make. We have jobs of equal status and stress.

He is refusing to take responsibility for making and committing to a follow-up appointment (which btw are all in school/ work hours). This is a pattern of behaviour, that his work always comes first, even though he finds time to go out several times a week.

I have done so much family admin, so much more than him - new school shoes, endless doctor appointments with other DCs, organising play dates and friend birthday presents, + doing most of the cooking, cleaning and laundry - while trying to juggle my full-time serious job. I feel very resentful that he just won't take time to organise this appointment because it is impacting on our son.

Should I just re-arrange the braces appointment and accept that I'm doing it for my son, or hold out and hope that he will live up to his responsibilities?

I wouldn't like to leave someone actually being able to take your son to this appointment in the lurch, as then it's ultimately him who loses out with a delayed appointment, even though it is clearly your DH's "fault" for arranging it for a time he presumably knew he couldn't make, without consulting you. If you know he'll be able to be seen reasonably soon after then I suppose it isn't as big of a deal.

You aren't unreasonable at all to feel frustrated and want a change - what I personally would do is let my partner know that I felt the sharing out of these sorts of things was unfair, and that I wanted to have a conversation about how they are divided up with the expectation that things would be fairer in future. I would express that as he arranged this appointment, he needs to either attend or reschedule to a time he can facilitate.

What I'm less sure on is how fair it is on DS to use this appointment as a hill to die on, so to speak. It's difficult when it impacts other people who are "collateral" to the issue in a sense!

@LondonDonut if there are any decisions to be made at that appointment, do you trust your DH to make a sensible decision? If not, then I think you have your answer

It makes sense for the same parent to go to all of these appointments for continuity. Often they won't see the patient under 16 without an adult so they can't go on their own

Thanks for your reply. I have asked him at least four times to re-arrange the appointment and he hasn't done it. So at which point do I accept that my 'nagging' is counter-productive and just re-arrange the appointment myself?

Um well... my DD has nhs braces and rge nhs side of things mean she hardly ever gets an outside school hours appointment as they save those for the paying customers. However, no reason why you can't take turns to attend appointments

Tell him to pack a few things in a bag as if he can’t be bothered rearranging the appt he made because he thinks it’s some kind of servant work you should do then you will ask him to leave, so he should be ready.

I don't think the appointments are complicated - it's just tightening the brace.

Incidentally, I arranged all the referrals from the dentist and got DS the brace in the first place, which he really needs. I guess I just feel like DH is a passenger in all this.

You have some serious thinking to do. The bottom line is that your husband doesn't respect or value you. You, what you do, and what you need from him as your partner are not important enough for him to take into consideration.

Have ypu asked him why he isn't willing to do the most basic things for his DC?

It's not about the braces though, is it? It's the lack of respect for your time / work, and the arrogant assumption that it's your job to keep the house running. Deeply unattractive in a partner

He doesn't respect you. Simple as that. And he's showing it through his actions. If I were you, I'd rearrange the appointment and take my son on this occasion, but then I'd be planning a strategy that ensures he would never take me for granted again. Only you know what that looks like for you.

You feel he is a passenger, because that is the role he chooses to inhabit.

What does he bring to your life?

Just re-arrange the appointment. I say that because the appointment is only a symptom of a wider, festering disease rooted in lack of respect. He thinks he’s far too important to be lumbered with the boring life admin. You have far more important thinking to do about your marriage going forward and sorting the appointment out yourself will at least get one thing off your list.

Thanks for your replies. I guess I did know that about lack of respect. I just tried not to articulate it to myself.

TBH not really sure I know what to do from here

It sounds like you’ve got wider problems with your marriage but on the particular appt question I would reframe the ‘nagging’ as you have labelled it and raise with DH that you don’t think he is taking the long term wellbeing of his child seriously. The braces need regular check ups and he needs to get involved.

Have you asked him why he believes doing any family admin is not his responsibility? Why does he think you should be the one to handle everything and miss work?

His answers will be enlightening, I'm sure. I can smell the misogyny from here already.

You could start by raising your own expectations of what he contributes and you could articulate handing certain tasks over to him. Eg I’ve handed over all swim lessons admin and dentist responsibility for two DC to my husband. We discussed and felt imbalanced so that went to him.

Yeah. That appointment is the least of your worries. When he is out of work for other things, what does he accommodate?

Buy the FairPlay book and cards if you think he’d be willing to change

I don't know the answer to that. All throughout our 15-yr marriage he has always put his career first. My current job title (battled through post-natal depression and awful bosses) is amazing. I'm probably at the peak of my career. But yet, there is never any discussion of how he could step back a bit and help, even though I did all the child care when the kids were tiny. Any time I try and talk about it, it's dismissed. I honestly don't have the language to express my feelings. And he wouldn't take notice if I did. This isn't some tale of horror, just a couple who don't get each other. I don't want to split because of our two kids. It's mostly fine; I quite like him as a person.

I would rearrange the appointment and take him. But I would then share out the life admin between the two of you and I would not do his at all. If that means suffering then so be it

Not often I jump to this but why are men allowed to get away with the basics??

How can you like him as a person when he sounds so awful? What's to like?

It's not about the braces as you know, but this is the issue you've maxed out on. Everyone has a breaking point.

I'd say re braces, probably in a text so can leave a hard trail if he doesn't buck up and you need to have the wider chat.

Dh you are responsible for braces. Sort it out. Its one small job amongst hundreds that are vital for the family unit each week.

If you haven't bothered to sort it by october then we will need to have a serious conversation about why not and how we move forward as a family.

Ignoring it until someone else steps to sort it up is both childish and disrespectful to our sons needs and to myself. You are an adult.

Thank you. A hard deadline is probably what's needed. Although I think on current experience any deadline I set won't be heeded.

To all those who've questioned our marriage; yeah me too. Every year. But two kids put a lid on the questions.

It's difficult to impose duties on someone who will ignore them and rely on you cracking first

I would use a different tack and dial back on tasks that are for HIS benefit eg his laundry, arranging MOT for his car, researching holidays, buying birthday gifts for his family etc. This may be a more effective way of evening the load