Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH won't do family admin

52 replies

LondonDonut · 20/09/2023 21:16

My 12-yr-old DS has braces and my DH had arranged a follow-up appointment which neither he nor I could make. We have jobs of equal status and stress.

He is refusing to take responsibility for making and committing to a follow-up appointment (which btw are all in school/ work hours). This is a pattern of behaviour, that his work always comes first, even though he finds time to go out several times a week.

I have done so much family admin, so much more than him - new school shoes, endless doctor appointments with other DCs, organising play dates and friend birthday presents, + doing most of the cooking, cleaning and laundry - while trying to juggle my full-time serious job. I feel very resentful that he just won't take time to organise this appointment because it is impacting on our son.

Should I just re-arrange the braces appointment and accept that I'm doing it for my son, or hold out and hope that he will live up to his responsibilities?

OP posts:
theduchessofspork · 22/09/2023 23:23

Nope, unless your son is going to be permanently damaged by a late appointment, leave him to sort it out. If you keep picking up after him, he will keep letting you.

Whether you need to cave on this or not, going forward, divvy up tasks. Give him the laundry and the packed lunches and the utility bills (or whatever, but no one will die if those don’t get done) and if he doesn’t do them he can deal with the consequences.

And if that doesn’t work I would genuinely consider leaving him. He really does sound like an arsehole.

ohdamnitjanet · 23/09/2023 08:44

whatchulookinatwillis · 21/09/2023 12:38

Have you considered reframing the "nagging" (god, I hate that term) as "asking for his professional advice"?

"DH, I respect your opinion, and was hoping you could give me some advice on a work situation?
There's a member of my team, who repeatedly lets the side down by "not noticing" tasks that need doing and creating problems rather than solutions, such as scheduling an important meeting when neither he nor I are available (& at least one of us would need to attend) and then refusing to reschedule it, despite my repeated requests for him to do so.
Officially we are equals, so I can't demand that he does it, however I am currently doing about 50% of his tasks due to his ineptitude and obviously that's having a knock-on effect to my work and life balance. How would you handle this?"

Once he's given his suggestion, then explain that he is actually the negligent colleague in your marriage and he needs to rectify his behaviour so both your marriage and the health of your children isn't negatively impacted.

If he suggests getting the "negligent employee" sacked, explain to him that he's basically just advised you to divorce him for his behaviour. And that if you were treating your H, the way that he is treating you, that is obviously what he would do, so why shouldn't you divorce him?

This is smart.
I also really hate the word nag. Nagging is the repetition of unpalatable facts.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread