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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH won't do family admin

52 replies

LondonDonut · 20/09/2023 21:16

My 12-yr-old DS has braces and my DH had arranged a follow-up appointment which neither he nor I could make. We have jobs of equal status and stress.

He is refusing to take responsibility for making and committing to a follow-up appointment (which btw are all in school/ work hours). This is a pattern of behaviour, that his work always comes first, even though he finds time to go out several times a week.

I have done so much family admin, so much more than him - new school shoes, endless doctor appointments with other DCs, organising play dates and friend birthday presents, + doing most of the cooking, cleaning and laundry - while trying to juggle my full-time serious job. I feel very resentful that he just won't take time to organise this appointment because it is impacting on our son.

Should I just re-arrange the braces appointment and accept that I'm doing it for my son, or hold out and hope that he will live up to his responsibilities?

OP posts:

44PumpLane · 20/09/2023 22:50

Relieve yourself of some of the household burden and no longer do any of his laundry, ironing, cooking, shopping, gift or card buying or wrapping, car maintenance/mot sorting.

Sort you and the kids out only.

If he won't take an equal load then at least lighten yours by removing all of the tasks that will impact only him.

bumbledeedum · 20/09/2023 22:56

44PumpLane · 20/09/2023 22:50

Relieve yourself of some of the household burden and no longer do any of his laundry, ironing, cooking, shopping, gift or card buying or wrapping, car maintenance/mot sorting.

Sort you and the kids out only.

If he won't take an equal load then at least lighten yours by removing all of the tasks that will impact only him.

This. I understand it's not as simple as just leaving when you have children but you certainly don't need to take on everything. I would also explain to him why you are lightening your load of anything him related.

Maray1967 · 20/09/2023 23:04

NeedToChangeName · 20/09/2023 22:30

It's difficult to impose duties on someone who will ignore them and rely on you cracking first

I would use a different tack and dial back on tasks that are for HIS benefit eg his laundry, arranging MOT for his car, researching holidays, buying birthday gifts for his family etc. This may be a more effective way of evening the load

Edited

Yes - I would not make a stand on DC’s medical appointment. I’d make it where it hits your DH and him only- this is usually his laundry and his family’s gifts and cards.

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 20/09/2023 23:11

Well you can't let your DC suffer, but you should stop doing any admin that is solely for his benefit. Don't book appointments for him if make family arrangements that take his timetable etc into consideration. Also, don't do his washing, don't make dinner arrangements that suit him.

And start focusing on your own career and financial stability.

Gymnopedie · 21/09/2023 01:05

I know you're not going to stop doing the things that your DCs need you to do, of course not. But stop doing anything for him. No washing his stuff, only cook for him if you feel like it, and if any of the family admin relates to things that are purely for him - car insurance, MOT, buying cards/presents for his family, sorting dental appointments or anything else you do that lets him off the hook - stop doing it.

WhereYouLeftIt · 21/09/2023 02:31

LondonDonut · 20/09/2023 22:24

Thank you. A hard deadline is probably what's needed. Although I think on current experience any deadline I set won't be heeded.

To all those who've questioned our marriage; yeah me too. Every year. But two kids put a lid on the questions.

Maybe you need to consider the behaviour you and your husband are modelling to your children. And don't kid yourself that they haven't noticed!

You and he are training/socialising your children to see women as lesser beings than men. You are teaching them that men can disrespect women with absolute impunity. You are providing the blueprint for their future relationships.

Is this how you want their lives to be?

coxesorangepippin · 21/09/2023 02:47

He places more value on his time than yours, or his kid's time

Hibiscrubbed · 21/09/2023 03:38

“Why are you struggling with rearranging this appointment? I’d have thought with your job, you’d have found just making a quick phone call easy. Why is it so tricky for you?”

Somewhereovertherainbowweighapie · 21/09/2023 03:43

He won’t do anything about it, because he knows you will step in. You can either just sort it yourself, or just leave it. Is the appointment early? Can you just leave the house earlier and leave him with the kids. When he questions you say but you are taking him to the dentist.

stayathomegardener · 21/09/2023 04:08

I'd let this one appointment ride out as a test, if your selfish arse of a husband missed it then yes I'd do zero for him going forward and probably head to marriage counselling by myself to work out my exit strategy. Good luck.

NeedToChangeName · 21/09/2023 07:35

Somewhereovertherainbowweighapie · 21/09/2023 03:43

@Somewhereovertherainbowweighapie her DH would most likely take kids to school as normal and say "but I TOLD you I wsnt able to take him to the orthodontist"

I agree with PP that OP woukd be better to focus on withdrawing her own labour, rather than trying to get her DH to step up

eg DH has no clean socks, not her problem. She's out gor the night, no milk in the fridge, not her problem

PollyPut · 21/09/2023 12:05

@LondonDonut I think you need to get on with this appt and do it yourself. Otherwise it's becoming neglectful (of both parents). I recall reading that parents who don't take children to the dentist can be charged with neglect - and whilst I know you have done loads already I think you need to continue with it so your child is not neglected and the braces do their job.

DH clearly doesn't want to miss work for this so is unlikely to actually do it. Can you get a lunchtime appt, take DC then (so they don't miss too much school) and you work longer hours around a long lunch to catch up?

I agree with the PP who said you compromise on things that affect him - e.g. his laundry.

whatchulookinatwillis · 21/09/2023 12:38

Have you considered reframing the "nagging" (god, I hate that term) as "asking for his professional advice"?

"DH, I respect your opinion, and was hoping you could give me some advice on a work situation?
There's a member of my team, who repeatedly lets the side down by "not noticing" tasks that need doing and creating problems rather than solutions, such as scheduling an important meeting when neither he nor I are available (& at least one of us would need to attend) and then refusing to reschedule it, despite my repeated requests for him to do so.
Officially we are equals, so I can't demand that he does it, however I am currently doing about 50% of his tasks due to his ineptitude and obviously that's having a knock-on effect to my work and life balance. How would you handle this?"

Once he's given his suggestion, then explain that he is actually the negligent colleague in your marriage and he needs to rectify his behaviour so both your marriage and the health of your children isn't negatively impacted.

If he suggests getting the "negligent employee" sacked, explain to him that he's basically just advised you to divorce him for his behaviour. And that if you were treating your H, the way that he is treating you, that is obviously what he would do, so why shouldn't you divorce him?

sHREDDIES19 · 21/09/2023 12:50

Like in so many marriages, you (the wife, mother and career person) are bossing life making sure everything and everyone is taken care of. Whilst your husband has let this happen, safe in the knowledge you are completely awesome at doing it all. But that's not the point and you have now come to question his role in your life as he's not really contributing that much is he? So many men are pathetic, lazy, ungrateful and incompetent.

Primproperpenny · 21/09/2023 13:01

If this is part of a wider pattern, sounds like you’d be fine alone! Might even make life easier.

Summerlovin24 · 22/09/2023 21:01

Spot on
Glad my ex is an ex for this reason

Auntiedear · 22/09/2023 21:39

Take control of this appointment - for your son's sake.

Then make a promise to yourself that you will tolerate the lack of respect. If you are not ready to consider leaving him then set up some strong boundaries for yourself and refuse to move - no matter what the consequence to him.

Can you afford to outsource the family admin, laundry, cleaning etc? If so - do it but make sure that it comes from joint money not just yours. If he wants clean clothes he either has to have them ready for the laundry to collect or do them himself etc.

You need to try and separate your lives as much as possible in terms of logistics so that he is completely responsible for his car tax, mobile phone bill etc but do this without putting yourself at any financial risk.

This may give you enough mental space to continue tolerating living with him.

Goldbar · 22/09/2023 21:40

I'd stop cooking for him and his clothes would be removed from the laundry pile until he followed through with what he was meant to do.

Sounds like he needs a reminder that he's part of a team - he needs to contribute if he wants to benefit from that team.

YouJustDoYou · 22/09/2023 21:45

I watched a really sad video montage on youtube last week. It was a reporter asking dads questions about their kids, such as "has your child ever played a musical instrument? Does you child take regular medication for anything? SOOOOO many of the dads had no clue. No clue at all. You could see the look of disgust on their kids faces when they came to the realisation that their fathers know NOTHING about them.

Lennon80 · 22/09/2023 22:06

I’d say he needs to aim for a promotion asap as he is going to have to carry all the burden for supporting you financially as you are giving up your job as he wants you to be a 1950s housewife- if they are the roles he wants he needs to be earning double!

everythingthelighttouches · 22/09/2023 22:08

I know this isn’t the only problem (his attitude is a major problem) but just to get a better sense of how bad it is, what does he do admin-wise?

banking
mortgage
credit
insurance
utilities
pensions
arranging tradespeople
selecting and arranging purchase/delivery of new household fixtures/fittings

any of these types of things?
or do you have to do all of this too?

JRM17 · 22/09/2023 22:14

I thought it was just normal that the female did all this "shit". Our house and lives would literally come to a screeching halt if my husband was responsible for anything to do with family life. We have a white board in the kitchen that has all DS stuff on (ie which days he wears uniform for school and which days are PE, which days he has to return his homework and then any other appointments he has). My husband couldn't organise a piss up in a brewery but I have just had to accept that I am the only responsible adult in our house. Our DS who is 6 is more organised and responsible than my husband. Oh and I have a way higher pressure job than hubby so this is not in anyway an excuse for him.

Mumsanetta · 22/09/2023 23:03

@JRM17 how do you still manage to be sexually attracted to your husband or have any respect for him when he acts like another child in the house?

DaphneMoo · 22/09/2023 23:15

Your dh sounds a pain and I would be thinking about my relationship however can your ds not get to his own appt? My ds has braces and he gets to his own appts, they are in a different town. Yes I have had to go through the route with him and get frequent calls along the route, he does it - doesn't like it and moans but he can do it.

Codlingmoths · 22/09/2023 23:18

Also while I did my thinking, I’d explain that I didn’t do things for him anymore. So while I’ve booked a few days away, it’s just for me and the kids. I don’t organise him holidays, there is no magic admin fairy making his life amazing. (I’ve come very close to this.)

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