Is it normal to feel like this as you get older?

[iLoW]

I was 37 last weekend. For a while, maybe three years, I’ve felt like life is downhill from here. I have a nice life, though I am a single mum which can make things harder I suppose. But I live in a nice house in a nice area, have a good job, lots of friends. I’m slim, reasonably attractive. I can afford extras and can treat myself sometimes. I will probably inherit a decent amount so have no huge financial stress. My child is generally easy and fun to be with. I just feel… like the spark and excitement of life is gone? I’ve not travelled everywhere but I’ve travelled enough to know what it’s like. Sure, I’d like to go again but it’s not a ‘new and exciting’ concept anymore.

I’ve climbed the career ladder, there’s further to go but not much. It’s not exciting in the sense of that first suit on your first morning in work. It’s not like the first time, even if I changed company, it’s the same old.

I do enjoy things in life like the cinema and reading and seeing friends. I do wonder if I would feel happier with a relationship but even that I just think can I really be arsed to meet another man and have to be introduced to his family etc (not obligatory but you know what I mean, same old rigmarole).

Even going out for the night is effort these days. I used to spend ages getting ready, music on, make up perfect. I would be actually excited about the evening. Now it’s… nice. But that’s it. I’ve been to so many lovely restaurants that it’s the same old.

My child is only five so many when they’re bigger I will find there’s more joy to be had in doing things with them. But generally in life I just feel so indifferent to it all. Just me?

Honestly no!!!

Life after 40 has been better for me than before.

I have a circle of friends who probably would say similar.

One of the key things is having some goals/targets in life and pushing yourself out of your comfort zone to do something that you didn't really think you could.

Plan an adventure!

Doesn't matter how small or silly it is - just decide to do something really out of the ordinary that you wouldn't normally do, but you really fancy doing. Climb a mountain, learn a new skill, take up a new hobby, start volunteering.

Just find something fresh. And new people to do it with, if possible.

Life after 40 has definitely been better for me. I have more time and more money, though as I said, not all the things I do need money.

My mum is 77 and began learning a musical instrument at 75. She is now giving mini-concerts.

Living a full life needs effort, but I find it worth it.

I think the point is, you feel stuck in a rut. Identify the rut. Identify you do not wish to be in the rut. Find ways to escape the rut. No longer be in the rut.

Just stop doing Groundhog Day and living by expectations. Break the routine.

I think a lot of people have come out of the pandemic a bit down and low-level depressed, Most people I know have taken a while to start back up again, and I also had a period of 'so what' about life at this time. Just be kind to yourself and don't pressure yourself to enjoy things, just do a modest amount of activities to keep yourself from solidifying on the couch and over time, things may well change. Or try one new thing, not lots of things, a small new habit (e.g. 10 min dancing in the kitchen every morning to your favourite songs, replying straight away to texts or emails from friends) to break the routines a bit. These ebbs and flows are part of life, I think it's a valuable opportunity for a bit of reset of how you life, it's just a bit unpleasant whilst you are going through it!

Hi OP, I sympathise

Can you take stock of your life, as in what's true now and what might you like for future-you, in categories that work for you, such as:
Physical health
Financial stability
Intellectual challenge
Philosophy or religion
Hobbies and interests,
Etc etc

Eh? Are you suggesting nobody can possibly ly be happy or excited without being in love?
I can assure you that’s bollocks. I’m 58, 25 years single and still get excited about lots of stuff.

Not at all. Lots of things can make you happy. I know I was elated when I finally plucked up the courage to leave my husband for example. That had nothing to do with love, quite opposite. OP has everything else in place though, a good career, a nice house, good friends, a child etc. but still feels that something is missing and isn't happy. Being in love can, and should, increase the levels of oxytocin which makes everything in life appear more rosey. It's not the only thing that causes this but it's one way of creating happiness and exitement in life.

I really wasn't suggesting that people who are not in love can't be happy. I am not currently in love but am still happy. I was just commenting on OP's situation and her quest for happiness.

Haha

This post sums it up perfectly. I don't need excitement in my life to be happy, I find happiness in the small things.

OP, open your eyes to all that is wonderful in your life. The love you share with your child, the beauty of nature, the joy of a lovely cup of tea, a chat with a friend... It doesn't need to be backpacking around Asia. That's not what life is about.

I have found new joy in outdoor pursuits too, like walking, sea swimming, and hiking. However, I still want to backpack around Europe! I want to do it all.

Most people lost interest in life in the pandemic- DH has gone that way-but I have woken up to the brevity of life, and now want to cram a lot into the time I have left.

You mention you might be up for dating again. Perhaps some flirting and dating would bring some spark in your life? Give you some excitement?

I’m 45 and feel a bit meh. I think the problem is I have no passion about anything. It wasn’t a problem before because I was busy, but now the DC are teenagers, I have a lot more time and I don’t know what I want to do.

I’ve started swimming lessons which is good and I’ve changed my job which is challenging. But it’s still not enough.

My friend has started hiking with a group and she’s so excited about it. My DH and DC are passionate about their football team and are happy following the games. I seem to have been born without the gene to be excited or interested in anything and I just feel mostly apathetic.

I don’t think I’m depressed, I’m not unhappy, just bored.

It’s the shitty reality of life. When you are young, life is all ahead of you. You feel the possibilities are limitless, that there is loads of time, that old age and death are so far in the distance you needn’t think about them. Somewhere around your mid 30s that changes. In your teens and 20s, you are climbing a hill towards something exciting. At 40, you reach the top of that hill and begin hurtling down the other side. And all that awaits at the bottom is a coffin.

Wow 😂Will have to ask for a coffin for my 40th next year!

I felt like this in my late thirties - had been through a divorce, finished my masters, sorted my career and house, got the DC in a decent routine at school and home, sorted out my endometriosis. Then I thought...err what next? I spent between 2016-2019 feeling very strange - almost like I was watching life from the outside. Pretty much numb. I'd achieve something 'big' and other people would be saying 'Wow, you have done so well' (I wasn't expected to do well) and i'd think 'Oh right, have I?'

Then a series of stuff happened (met DH etc) but crucially we started walking up mountains and I am sure that has reset my brain a bit - I am sure I have started producing more serotonin, gabapentin and dopamine. I walked the Pillar Trail in the lakes a few weeks ago, it was physically hard but I am not kidding I was elated at the top and the views were so out of this world I was nearly crying. I think maybe you need a connection to something OP - whether that be a person, a place or a 'thing' - it does seem random to each individual what that 'thing' is but I hope you can find it OP I did some training once that said 'The death of hope is the most lethal thing for a human being'.

I feel like Covid completely zapped my passions so I think you are spot on with your second line.

I've started learning a new language and got into watching women's sport. Both fairly low effort but it's made a big difference in my mental health and gives me something to look forward to.

IME, no it isn’t. 60 next year. Can honestly say that since late 30s life has become better and better.

But if we have managed it, so can she. She doesn’t need to, and shouldn’t, look to someone else to provide her happiness.

I felt like this and went back to college to do a MA. It essentially started a process that set a bomb off in my life 🤣 for better and worse from divorce to new job new hobbies, life is entirely different today. Things can change. You will belly laugh again or experience the butterflies of excitement. You will hear a happy song on the radio and sing along as opposed to switching it off. Basically I recommend college!

I understand this

I have all the externals. On paper I have the perfect life. Healthy children, husband, career, big house, cleaner, free time, cars, holidays etc.

I'm 33 and dead inside

I don't know when I last laughed or enjoyed anything

I didn't say she need to find a man. It was just a suggestion to make life a bit more fun again. Dating does add a certain excitement and fun to my life. Other things do too. For some people dating isn't fun but bilberry picking is. I'm not one of those people. It's OK to give OP different options on how to make life more fun, we don't all have to be the same.

I'm 42 and i bounce out of bed ive tons of thinga that excite me. I strted by dream job 2 years ago and there are so many things i want to do and learn.

I don't agree either. I'm 61 in a few days and my life definitely started improving at 40. I went backpacking in my 50s. I still have lots of things I want to do. I went back to playing an instrument I abandoned when I had a young child, I'm learning another language. Still planning trips with my husband.

I have to say, though, that meeting my DH at 53 made a huge difference to how I felt about life. I don't mind doing things alone but having a companion is wonderful. After being single for 20 years it boosted my confidence and made me feel I belonged somewhere.

Not saying there's anything wrong with being single if you're happy with that.