Is it normal to feel like this as you get older?

[iLoW]

I was 37 last weekend. For a while, maybe three years, I’ve felt like life is downhill from here. I have a nice life, though I am a single mum which can make things harder I suppose. But I live in a nice house in a nice area, have a good job, lots of friends. I’m slim, reasonably attractive. I can afford extras and can treat myself sometimes. I will probably inherit a decent amount so have no huge financial stress. My child is generally easy and fun to be with. I just feel… like the spark and excitement of life is gone? I’ve not travelled everywhere but I’ve travelled enough to know what it’s like. Sure, I’d like to go again but it’s not a ‘new and exciting’ concept anymore.

I’ve climbed the career ladder, there’s further to go but not much. It’s not exciting in the sense of that first suit on your first morning in work. It’s not like the first time, even if I changed company, it’s the same old.

I do enjoy things in life like the cinema and reading and seeing friends. I do wonder if I would feel happier with a relationship but even that I just think can I really be arsed to meet another man and have to be introduced to his family etc (not obligatory but you know what I mean, same old rigmarole).

Even going out for the night is effort these days. I used to spend ages getting ready, music on, make up perfect. I would be actually excited about the evening. Now it’s… nice. But that’s it. I’ve been to so many lovely restaurants that it’s the same old.

My child is only five so many when they’re bigger I will find there’s more joy to be had in doing things with them. But generally in life I just feel so indifferent to it all. Just me?

Possibly depression? Constantly looking for things outside of ourselves can be an unhealthy distraction in some circumstances. Are you happy with yourself? The person you are? Can you sit with yourself and be content ? Do you feel you are lacking as a mother? You mentioned you don't find doing things with your child too enjoyable. Maybe focus on improving that aspect of your life if you feel you need to.

I’m not clinging to my youth, but I’m still embracing new and exciting things in life as I approach 40.

I am jaded by lots of things I found fun in my twenties; I don’t really drink any more, and I certainly don’t think I’m invincible or that anything I do is groundbreaking or deep and meaningful, but there is joy to be had and plenty of possibility ahead of me.

OP, I think happiness comes from about looking where you are in life and looking to find little things that make you excited or content as often as you can. For me, my job working with children makes me feel like I’m doing something productive every day. I have lots of hobbies, a mixture of creative and active, that I really enjoy. Some are social which I think is important. I work on my home and garden and that makes me satisfied.

I’m 62 retired and very happy. No children but do have a husband. There is always something to look forward to whether that be a break or holiday with DH or meeting friends for lunch or coffee.

I feel exactly the same. Similar to you but married. 45 now. I lost a family member a year ago. They were my age. It threw me into a panic of doing all those things I wanted to do - because they won't have those opportunities.

So now I am writing a book. I threw myself into it. It takes up all my spare time. I rarely watch TV now. I'm in editing phase but it allows me to explore different situations via characters. I'm more focused. Calmer. It's like meditation. Stops those thoughts creeping in.

I also do martial arts. Started with my DD. It brings a bit of excitement and fear to the day.

If I don't do this things now, one day I'll either not want to, or can't.

All I can say OP is that the time I turned 37 - especially the first 6 months of me turning 37 was possibly the best most magical time of my life. So I'm more than a bit envious of you teaching this magical age 🙌

My friend died last year. She was 39. I’m 43. It totally changed my perspective on life. I booked my dream holiday. I met new people who live the same music as I do. I try and do all the things I love because she can’t. I try an remember how lucky I am. But I get you.

There are many other ways to boost endorphins than chasing after men.

Definitely not normal, but I do think women begin to reassess our lives around then and often find something lacking.

The thing I was lacking was genuine self love. I took up exercise and strength training in my mid 40s and it was a game changer. Maybe it would help you too? Get some weights and do YouTube videos if you don’t have time to visit a gym.

I am a couple of years older and I know what you mean, OP. For the past few years most of my female friends seem really dissatisfied too, and kind of stuck. I think it's a stage of life thing - maybe dependent kids, plus hormones changing? I know you're single but my married friends are fed up too - none of us have that new love excitement, majority are just comfortable or tolerate each other.

I used to feel so alive in my teens and 20s. I lived for the highs, but honestly I struggled with the lows too, my mental health wasn't great. These days I feel much more level, which is a relief. I'm still trying to figure myself out though.

I read this article earlier in the year, about older women who have formed punk bands. They are having a lot of fun! I think we are in some kind of transitional life stage and there's loads of positive things to come.
https://www.google.com/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2023/feb/07/loud-dirty-and-simple-leicesters-punk-collective-for-older-women

Personally I feel like there is definitely a spark of fun, spontaneity, a bit of rebellion in me, but it's been limited/frustrated for so long by routine and duty and putting myself last. I think I'm in a phase of readjusting myself somehow, and contemplating what I really want.

Great advice here

Personally I think there are times in life we are all a little too comfortable and sedate. It’s the reason why certain religions encourage us to see stress, pain and challenges as opportunities for growth.inertia is a killer.

I don't think this is an inevitable part of getting older. I'm older than you and still have lots of things I want to do. I think you need to find something that gets your mojo back eg. a new relationship, a new hobby, do you exercise regularly? That can improve your mood. Your life is a bit restricted because your child is young, I get that I have young children as well. I try to find things I can do for myself from home or when they're asleep, like gardening and playing the piano. Gives me satisfaction and inspiration and I don't need a baby sitter or hours out of the house. I'd like to learn a new language, can also do that from home.

I knew what your thread was going to say before I even clicked on it. There have been a few similar threads lately.

I get it. I’m in my early 40s and acutely aware that it’s all downhill from here. Not that there is nothing to look forward to, but I’m getting older and having to face all the shit that goes hand in hand with that - ageing parents, empty nest, ill health, feeling old and irrelevant etc.

There’s a whole book on all this, it’s called ‘The happiness curve’.
In a nutshell:
We spend the first half of our lives focused solely on ME: my job, my family, my car, my happiness etc. Finding our place in the world, leaving our mark…
And whether we achieve all this or not, the drive wears off, because we realise the purpose of it all has changed, the focus shifted from ME to US. We realise what’s important.
It’s a natural dip in the curve. It’s called ‘midlife crisis’. Some of us divorce, some start affairs, some buy motorbikes, to fill this void of ‘what’s next’, cause I’ve done the Uni, the friendship, the marriage, the kids, the career, the house etc. What’s NEXT?

Next is actually giving back. Experience, time, wisdom, patience, all those things that we’ve accumulated and accomplished, we’ve had our fill, it’s time we pass it on. Because in your 40’s you’ve been there, have a cupboard full of t-shits already.

Having a very very good glass of wine with an old friend and talking in the garden late at night beats the massive party and a queue for a kebab at 2 am. Because by that point you’re sharing, you’re not after ‘I wanna have a blast’.

Do look for that book, it’s really good.

I think I’m in a transitional stage. I’m older than you but I can relate.

Normal for who exactly? I’m 39 and that is not normal for me. There are lots of things I want to do and experience. The fact that I’ll be 40 next year doesn’t fit into that picture. I was never fun or optimistic though so I don’t recognise this rose tinted 20 something view of the world as I never had that. Maybe being an introverted pessimist is finally paying off!

This thread is bringing home how privileged the majority of us are in the UK and how much we take our food, housing, heating, clean water, stability of government (I know, I know), education etc etc for granted.

I also think many look back on our youth with rose coloured spectacles.

I don't think OP has depression, she's just too comfortable and has got fed up (been there, done that).

I also don't think you lack joy and purpose, OP - you've got a 5 year old! I'm no earth mother but they're at the age when you can start doing interesting things with them, explore, teach them, have adventures together.

And I don't think a bit of dating would do you any harm

Best of luck.

@Robotalkingrubbish this post actually made me laugh by virtue of how deeply unhelpful it is 😂

@Malarandras 😂 looks like it might well be!!

I hear you. I am 43 and since 39/40 I’ve been feeling a lack of interest in the world and more in spirituality. I would like to go and sit under a tree and while away the rest of my life in contemplation of the divine. But we have to live in this world, raise our children, pay our bills etc and it all seems a bit futile in a lot of ways.

In contrast to what others have suggested, I would suggest to look outside yourself for fulfilment. It’s not self care we need these days, we hear enough about that, and yet it hasn’t made society happier or less anxious, stressed etc.

I think it’s a mid life crisis that everyone feels, we spend our teens and twenties working towards building a family, a home, a career, once you’ve achieved some of that it’s hard to take stock of your life and realise the big things have been done.

Do some good in the community and see how you feel, contributing to something bigger than yourself and making a difference to those around you. And I’m not just saying this, the mental health benefits of doing community good vs things like self care are well documented.

My concept and 'barometer ' of what 'enjoyment' is these days has changed dramatically from a few years ago.

Enjoyment is a quiet drink in a pub or cafe on my own in-between the grind of work and stress of home.

It's discovering a new book, or listening to a good episode of a podcast.

Decent holidays are out of the question due to cost of living now, new clothes and nights out few and far between.

I guess changing your perception of ' enjoyment ' in life is the key.

Reading this from the perspective of someone in their fifties I admit to thinking get a grip, you're really young and you have a good life, sorry! But maybe you need to do some more thinking about what you want: a relationship? New career? More kids? What? You've got 13 years until you have a child at university, if they go, there is so much to do and see in the world! Work out what it is you really want and then plan to make it happen.

All of this.

Life still has so much excitement in it. My biggest issue is that I don't have the time and energy to do even a fragment of the things I want to. i have hobbies and interests to fill my time even without 2 high needs kids and a ft job. Creativity fills me up and inspires me. Do you have any creative outlet at all, OP?

I am in my 50s and don't feel like this. I still do exciting and new things. I am still making new friends. Not necessarily expensive dining or going out clubbing. Things that expand my mind. Like seeing the newly reopened National Portrait Gallery in London.

I can completely relate to how you're feeling OP, for me its since the lockdowns happened I've really found my interest in things I love drop away. I try getting it back it just doesn't feel quite the same as it did before. I can't put my finger on this feeling, I don't know why or what I need to do.

I want to visit more countries and I have booked a few holidays but I don't feel as excited about them as I used to. I feel like I am jut going through the motions.