Is it normal to feel like this as you get older?

[iLoW]

I was 37 last weekend. For a while, maybe three years, I’ve felt like life is downhill from here. I have a nice life, though I am a single mum which can make things harder I suppose. But I live in a nice house in a nice area, have a good job, lots of friends. I’m slim, reasonably attractive. I can afford extras and can treat myself sometimes. I will probably inherit a decent amount so have no huge financial stress. My child is generally easy and fun to be with. I just feel… like the spark and excitement of life is gone? I’ve not travelled everywhere but I’ve travelled enough to know what it’s like. Sure, I’d like to go again but it’s not a ‘new and exciting’ concept anymore.

I’ve climbed the career ladder, there’s further to go but not much. It’s not exciting in the sense of that first suit on your first morning in work. It’s not like the first time, even if I changed company, it’s the same old.

I do enjoy things in life like the cinema and reading and seeing friends. I do wonder if I would feel happier with a relationship but even that I just think can I really be arsed to meet another man and have to be introduced to his family etc (not obligatory but you know what I mean, same old rigmarole).

Even going out for the night is effort these days. I used to spend ages getting ready, music on, make up perfect. I would be actually excited about the evening. Now it’s… nice. But that’s it. I’ve been to so many lovely restaurants that it’s the same old.

My child is only five so many when they’re bigger I will find there’s more joy to be had in doing things with them. But generally in life I just feel so indifferent to it all. Just me?

New adventures and new experiences are for the young I totally disagree. I am not going to say that a whole new world awaits or anything trite like that, but it is possible to both add value to your own life and to add value to other people's over the age of 40! One of my most treasured friends is 80 now, I have valued her advice and conversation so much over the years, and I would hate for her to think she never mattered or didn't count (she does feel a bit like that as she hasn't accomplished some superficial things). I've also set myself little challenges, like at work, instead of doing what I've been doing for the past 15 years I've set myself some tasks that are out of my comfort zone but I'd love to achieve (writing certain types of books). I am starting from the bottom with some of this stuff, building my skills from the ground up and I find that exciting.

The book 4000 weeks is great for an (early) mid-life crisis.

I think there is a kernel of truth in this but it's still important to try and enjoy things as much as you can. You're here for a good time not a long time. I think I agree with what you said - that things I used to do when I was young seemed to 'matter' more. I've realised since I've got older that when I die I will only be a memory to a few. But in a way that helpfully strips away all the bullshit. I only do things I really want to do now and treat myself. Fuck it. Why not?

@JaneyGee half your life is going to be really fucking miserable if you think that after 40 all that's waiting for you is a coffin. How ridiculous. And what a waste of your days.

Late 30’s, 2 children, lovely home in the suburbs, very long term partner, will be picking up my career after being long term SAHM which has been great. Honestly, I feel the same. Prob won’t move house again, def won’t have a baby again (!), won’t go backpacking again, all of these events happened with optimism and excitement, with the rest of my life ahead of me. It all feels so safe, secure, predictable and settled and that’s amazing and what I have been striving for but I need some excitement. Rather than worrying too much about what will happen in the future, paying off mortgages, pensions etc. Definitely lacking purpose and inspiration and I need to get my spark back :)

I’m a bit like that, I’m 48 but have felt like that for a long time, nothing fascinates or excites me anymore, I’m a bit like been there do that.
Im also single and never come across men that I find interesting / attractive either ( except for the very odd occasion and then they are usually taken) and cannot even be bothered looking, I have it in my head that relationships are more hassle than their worth.
If I’m invited to a party I usually make excuses as frankly I would prefer to be at home watching something on Netflix.

Work wise, I’m a professional, senior position in my company but actually have very little interest in climbing the ladder any further as I know it would just mean more stress and I can survive quite comfortably on the money that I’m on and pay my mortgage

I do like looking after my appearance though so have not given up on that area.

I also wonder If my attitude is strange or is it just an age thing and if many more are like me?
I wonder if I will regret when I’m older not living life to the fullest.

I just cannot fire myself to be interested in things that I’m not.

I don't know how usual it is, but I don't feel like that. I'm 59, I feel more like I value the quieter things in life now. Not necessarily less physical, I love the outdoors, swimming, exercise. Just very content with a more even pace, taking pleasure in day to day joys, being grateful to be alive, healthy, privileged. I don't really miss excitement at all.

One thing that's quite exciting to do although frustrating also, is to work with younger people on something, so your expertise (being old!) is valued, and you get to see their excitement and freshness about the situation. I feel excited when one of my students does something that's a real achievement or wins something. I think that's why if you don't normally work with young people it can be fulfilling, volunteering, teaching, having said that if you've done it for 20-30 years this would not have the same effect and you are probably best off out of it!

Hi OP early 40s here and feel exactly the same. My sense of feeling jaded is not just about not having many firsts anymore but about realising how selfish and unpleasant many humans are at heart. I think I was very optimistic about humanity when I was in my 20s but I rarely feel that way these days.

I have recently found a faith which I would recommend you consider if you haven't already. Feeling like we have a connection to the divine is the thing that keeps me going most days. Life in the material world only can feel v flat.

My kids are wonderful but life feels hard work for little reward a lot of the time. Those moments of meditation and prayer keep me going.

Age 38 - 48 was some of the best, most fun times of my life! My kids were old enough to leave at home for the evening and I had a full re-launch onto a totally different social scene.
I ended up with a man who dented myself esteem though, don't do that.
But I'm single again now and loving it!

@JaneyGee this is EXACTLY it. It doesn’t feel like it matters anymore. Because the reality is, it doesn’t. It never really did but only later on in life do you realise it. I remember the excitement of a day shopping in at the weekend with friends and a night out that followed… totally basic stuff but it was so.very.exciting! I have moments I enjoy in life but that feeling that anything is important and significant has totally gone.

Thanks @Homefry . I agree I too have little faith in humanity these days. We all have the potential to be truly rotten. And like you say, in my twenties I had so much faith in the world, so much trust. As the years go by you hear so many awful things and life hits you hard, it hits everyone at some point. A 25 year old usually can’t comprehend that ever affecting them.

@Highdaysandholidays1 thanks, this is interesting. I do remember feeling a bit lighter after a chat with our new interns! They still love the world in a way I knew I used to.

@Chocolatepopcorn i like this approach! But I know the me who never thought ‘fuck it’, was a more fun, optimistic and happier ‘me.’ Because I felt there was so much more to come. Now it’s just repeats of experiences, which has less of a spark to it.

I fell in love at 48 - with the love of my life - and at 60 I'm back at uni. I think age is largely attitude but I may feel differently in 10 or 20 years.

It sounds to me like your bored @iLoW

Step out of your comfort zone.
Do something that scares you once a week.

I don't think it is normal - I am 67 and life is still great, exciting and full of things I want to do and achieve.

I have lost so many friends and plan to carry on enjoying everything life has to offer just in case I am next.

It seems to me you're obviously quite intelligent and you're craving intellectual stimulation. Like, for example, learning a new language to a good enough level you can speak it on holiday, writing a novel, or taking up a new skill that is completely out of your comfort zone.

I felt like you 7 years ago - it just hit me. The sheer futility of it all. An exhaustion of life and boredom settled over me. I became restless and irritable.
If all of my needs at least on the outside were met, why did I feel so meh? I was not full of gratitude, I am sorry to say. It was more of a case is this it? Like getting to the top of the mountain and the view is not as stunning as I imagined.

At first I booked amazing trips, threw myself into exploring new hobbies. Made various expensive mistakes shaking up the house, our lives. Cut my hair. Drove too fast to check I was still alive.

Then it hit me that the work I needed to do was on the inside. I didn’t really know who I was anymore after 20 years of motherhood snd marriage. I took a deep dive into my character and got to know myself a little better. I read books that made my heart sing.

I explored my childhood, my mind. Reconnected with my feelings and then went back to uni.
I realised my hole was the sane dark hole created by my father and his emotional absence. That I had neglected parts of myself for years. I went into counselling and started listening to my own needs. I started to please myself. I became reacquainted with my old self. You can externally care for yourself and completely miss the internal process.

its the equivalent of being run into the ground and exhausted, but only caring about the concealer and make up to cover it up and never looking at he cause. You have to get to the root.
Look at the stars for a few hours on a clear night, reawaken an older part of yourself. Your soul I guess - for want of a better word needs nourishing.deeper connections can make you feel visible and alive.

Sympathies. I'm in my 60s, retired and have everything I need to get on with the creative pursuits I've always enjoyed doing.

But the energy and enthusiasm are often lacking, and it can be hard to rekindle the sort of immersion in projects that I used to relish. It does often feel as though I need a youthful hormonal boost or something like that.

@Lastchancechica that was such a beautiful post. I think it really helps to look inwards and be kind to yourself. Starting with meeting up wirh people who make you feel good and treating yourself in ways that make you feel good.

Music has always been something that has lifted my spirits and now also learning about my faith and reading the writings takes me to another place. I have already done some therapy re my childhood which was unfortunately clouded by emotional neglect and lack of a strong bond with my mum. I am working hard to give my kids the emotional support I didn't have which has made life much harder than it could have otherwise been.

Well, I'm nearly 70 and don't feel like you do...

You need:

A purpose - could be volunteering, a career change, becoming a school governor, going into local politics...... whatever floats your boat
A passion - such as going to cultural events or being creative...... painting, learning to play the guitar, writing a novel, etc
Human connections - friends, relationships

That's it, really.

I don't feel like that at all and I'm 41, I'm not as financily secure as you but I'm content with my lot and still get excited by things.

I'm no expert but you sound like you could be depressed.

Fuck that! I’m 70 next year and I don’t feel like that. Get a flipping grip @iLoW

I think a lot of people can have a bit of a mid life crisis OP but it’s probably about finding the joy in little things and find milestones/treats to look forward to. You’re also coming out of the really intense period of parenting where they need you for everything to primary years where that transitions. I love that age of mine but lots of people do have a bit of nostalgia for when their children were babies/toddlers.

Personally I’m always happier if I’m learning something. Pick up a new skill, take a short course, or as someone upthread said a language. Out of that might develop a new interest or hobby (or meet someone whether friend or lover).