To think I’m a bad friend for not meeting my friend’s baby?

[MourningEveryone]

The baby was born in March. My own baby was stillborn in May.

My friend has been very understanding and sensitive about me not feeling ready to meet him yet and has always arranged to meet up without him.

My therapist has now said that she thinks I should consider that I am not being a good friend to her by not having met him.

This has really tipped me over the edge tbh. I had been dealing well with all the grief but the more I think about it, the more I realise that am just not ready for a meet-up and I feel utterly, utterly shit about it.

AIBU?

Is that what your therapist actually said?

I have been your friend recently. Albeit not with a newborn, our children were a few years older. Trust me your friend understands. You've had a huge loss and it's been almost no time at all past. Sending hugs ❤️ I'm so sorry for your loss 😔

Your therapist is supposed to be interested in you, not in others in your life and what kind of friendship experience you're providing them with. Perhaps, just perhaps (but not as soon after your loss as this), if she'd suggested meeting your friend's baby might help you move forward in your grief, that might have been understandable as having a purpose in therapeutic terms. But saying you're a bad friend if you don't? Not her job, not her remit, not appropriate. If this were me and I felt strong enough, I'd want, at the least, to know her rationale for saying that.

You poor love. I'm so sorry your baby is not with you.

It sounds like you have a very good and understanding friend. Hang onto her, selfless friends can be hard to come by.

Your “therapist” sounds like a cunt. Please find a new therapist immediately, and consider reporting this idiot.

If the therapist really said this and you're not projecting your own guilt (it happens!) then get a new therapist.

If you are feeling like a bad friend, you're not. You are grieving. One day you will be able to meet the baby, and take some joy in her. But not yet. When you're ready. Your friend understands this.

This. I had a stillbirth many years ago and didn’t meet my really really good friends baby for a LONG time afterwards.

I just couldn’t. I was so angry (not with her but with life) and so jealous.

That same friend is still a really close friend and I love her daughter very much - once we did eventually meet when I was ready it was absolutely fine but it took me time to be ready.

Your therapist is taking bollocks.

Your friend would never hold this against you and I bet she feels absolutely devastated for you as well. She would never want you to do something you weren't ready for. Therapist is being really awful, I don't think there's any rush to meet baby.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Your therapist is an arsehole. X

Is this a regulated, qualified therapist? There been lots of posts recently re appalling 'advice' from therapist.

Did they actually say 'you should consider yourself not to be a good friend' or pose the reflective 'do you think this makes you not a good friend'?

And I am very very sorry for your loss.

What did your therapist actually say, and what was the context of the conversation?

If you have been working with your therapist for some time, they will have a much deeper understanding of the situation, than posters on the internet.

Shocking therapist!
I'm horrified that they have said this. You do this at your own pace and nobody else's.
I'd suggest having a chat with your friend (who sounds like an absolute star btw and definitely has your back) and saying you're still not ready and thanking her for her understanding.
Be kind to yourself - and ditch the therapist.

Therapists aren't supposed to give their opinion. I have a qualification in therapy.

Horrible thing to say. I can't stand being around babies atm neither OP. I was aware there would be a baptism at our church last weekend (I attend every week, never really miss it unless I am on holiday and we are a close community). That afternoon the lovely lady vicar emailed me asking if I was ok, and it was strange not to see me, and I told her exactly why, that I found seeing babies, young families, fresh new lives so very painful. She came round to see me that very evening, she had no idea and was so kind about it, and has helped me since. Your therapist was insensitive.

Get a new therapist.
I had stillborn triplets 5 years ago, I still can't be around newborns. We all deal with grief in our own way, there is no wrong or right answer.
I'm so sorry for your loss op.

zzz

Wow your therapist is an idiot.

I'm so sorry for your loss, what an awful thing to go through. I'm glad your friend is being supportive. You are absolutely not being a bad friend and I can't for a minute think your friend would think that. If she's a good friend she will absolutely understand how traumatic this is for you.