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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I’m a bad friend for not meeting my friend’s baby?

68 replies

MourningEveryone · 20/09/2023 11:41

The baby was born in March. My own baby was stillborn in May.

My friend has been very understanding and sensitive about me not feeling ready to meet him yet and has always arranged to meet up without him.

My therapist has now said that she thinks I should consider that I am not being a good friend to her by not having met him.

This has really tipped me over the edge tbh. I had been dealing well with all the grief but the more I think about it, the more I realise that am just not ready for a meet-up and I feel utterly, utterly shit about it.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Ella31 · 20/09/2023 14:33

Just came on here to say how sorry I am for your loss. Your therapist has no right to say this.

Greenpolkadot · 20/09/2023 18:56

Your friend is being very considerate and your therapist is being idiotic.
Grief has no fixed time, take it at your own pace. You'll know when you are ready.
As another mumsnetter said, a photo might be a good way to start but only when you're ready. Give yourself time and be kind to yourself.
And to you and others who have had this sadness in your lives..my thoughts are with you.

ApathyMartha · 20/09/2023 20:06

I’ve been in a similar situation and I couldn’t be around babies for a very long time. Your therapist can fuck right off. I avoided people who’d had babies even if they didn’t have them with them because I couldn’t bear to be around those who had a baby when I didn’t have mine. I’m so sorry that you have to go through this.

Freezingcoldinseptember · 20/09/2023 20:16

I remember when i mc my first dc and mil invited her mate round with a newborn as I' had to get over it'. Some people shouldn't be breathing never mind be a therapist. Sorry for your loss op..

Bartlebum · 20/09/2023 20:18

Your therapist is rubbish but your friend is wonderful. I'm so glad you have her understanding and support because that's what you normally need to see a therapist for!

X

plumtreebroke · 20/09/2023 20:23

At some point you need to be able to see other peoples babies, whether that is now or in the future I don't know. I had a miscarriage and it was difficult to see other peoples living babies for a while but terrible though it is that's life. Stillbirth is in many ways worse than miscarriage afterwards it is a journey.

Original poster
MourningEveryone · 20/09/2023 21:50

Alargeoneplease89 · 20/09/2023 12:36

Is there a reason you didn't see the baby in March before you miscarried?

If you aren't ready to meet up, don't, I'm sure your friend will understand.

My friend is not local and we only meet up a few times a year. I was also very unwell at the end of the pregnancy and unable to travel.

OP posts:
Original poster
MourningEveryone · 20/09/2023 21:51

Thanks everyone. I’m tempted to show my therapist this thread.

OP posts:
Alargeoneplease89 · 20/09/2023 22:49

MourningEveryone · 20/09/2023 21:50

My friend is not local and we only meet up a few times a year. I was also very unwell at the end of the pregnancy and unable to travel.

Show quote history

Honestly, I can't imagine what you have been through/ going through but do things at your own pace, your therapist makes it sound like a phobia rather then the fact you have lost someone so precious.

I hope time is a healer.

FluffyCloudsofShit · 20/09/2023 22:51

Tell your therapist exactly how she has made you feel with her words. If you can't do that then please get a new therapist.

readingismycardio · 21/09/2023 05:30

OP, I am so, so, so, sorry for your loss.

Screw your therapist. You have been through a tremendous amount of trauma and grief. Please take it easy and live your grief slowly, the way your mind is processing it, don't rush it. And if your friend is upset... that's her problem.

Newnamehiwhodis · 21/09/2023 05:33

wow- that is a wildly unprofessional and manipulative thing for your therapist to say.
they’re also wrong. You need to heal and it takes however long it takes. A true friend will understand that, and if they don’t, oh well. You should not have to do something you know is going to open a wound just to please someone else.

Bringonthesunforthewashing · 21/09/2023 05:33

I am so sorry for your loss xxx

find a new therapist

Pollywoddles · 21/09/2023 05:42

MourningEveryone · 20/09/2023 21:51

Thanks everyone. I’m tempted to show my therapist this thread.

Do and then fire them. I’m honestly sat here in shock.

I’m so very sorry for your loss. Take the time you need to process your grief and find a proper therapist.

Pollyputthekettleonha · 21/09/2023 05:42

Your therapist is ridiculous. They shouldn't be making you feel worse! I think you need to find a new one. Your friend understands and is fine. There's nothing you need to do here. Take your time.

justanothermanicmonday1 · 21/09/2023 05:51

I hope you're ok. Your therapist is out of order for even saying anything of the sort.

autienotnaughty · 21/09/2023 06:48

Nothing should ever be your therapist's agenda. Why would he/she want you to meet a baby your not ready to meet?
Will your therapist feel better because you have taken a step?

You meet the baby if and when you are ready. I would genuinely find a better therapist.

(I am a qualified counsellor)

TotheMooncup · 21/09/2023 06:54

Your therapist is an Arsehole if they really did say that. Get a new one.

its been seven years and two live babies later, and I still find it hard.

much love 💖

BendingSpoons · 21/09/2023 06:57

I'm glad you have a good friend who seems willing to meet up without her baby. She might prefer it anyway! You have had a tough time here. You don't need to be a people pleaser when it doesn't sound like an issue for your friend anyway.

MsFrost · 21/09/2023 06:58

Your therapist said that? In those words?

Get a new therapist.

It's completely understandable that you don't want to meet your friend's baby.

Vallmo47 · 21/09/2023 07:11

WOW, therapist FAIL.
Your friend clearly completely understands because they’re a real friend and can put themselves in your shoes - and probably also quite enjoys the break for a little bit. Definitely ditch that therapist…
I’m sorry for your loss.

DrinkingAllTheGin · 21/09/2023 07:17

I am 8n the position of your friend.
A friend had a still birth last year and I had my DD this summer.
She has not met DD and I totally respect it. We talk about her DS and she sent a gift at birth but honestly it never occurred to me to be upset about it.
She lives away and when we meet up, we have other things to talk about!!!

squashi · 21/09/2023 07:24

No, you're not being unreasonable - take all the time you need. That was a strange thing for a therapist to say - maybe it played into a worry you already had? Very sorry for your loss.

QueenofTerrasen · 21/09/2023 07:29

I've been in this exact situation but from the friend point of view, our babies were born in the same week and devastatingly, my friends little one passed away from SIDS at 9 weeks old.
My friend needed space which I absolutely understood. In the initial stages I was around a lot, without my child and then she needed some time away from me. She started asking me to meet up and I would go without my child, and then when my DC was 15 months old she asked if she could see her. It's been almost a decade and we are still very best of friends. She is my second borns godmother and I am her seconds godmother also.

Your therapist is ridiculous. Take all the time you need - I am so very sorry for your loss. Sending you so much love. 💕

SirWalterElliot · 21/09/2023 07:38

Yanbu. Your therapist is. If they're a decent therapist you should be able to challenge them on this at your next session and have a proper conversation about it. If you don't feel comfortable doing that you should find a new therapist (you may want to do this anyway!) I'm so sorry for your loss 💐

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