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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think I’m a bad friend for not meeting my friend’s baby?

68 replies

MourningEveryone · 20/09/2023 11:41

The baby was born in March. My own baby was stillborn in May.

My friend has been very understanding and sensitive about me not feeling ready to meet him yet and has always arranged to meet up without him.

My therapist has now said that she thinks I should consider that I am not being a good friend to her by not having met him.

This has really tipped me over the edge tbh. I had been dealing well with all the grief but the more I think about it, the more I realise that am just not ready for a meet-up and I feel utterly, utterly shit about it.

AIBU?

OP posts:

Meeting · 20/09/2023 11:42

Honestly, get a new therapist.

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 20/09/2023 11:43

Your therapist is not correct. Your friend has no need at all for you to meet her baby, you on the other hand need to grieve and recover how works for you. I would definitely challenge the therapist on that point. I'm so sorry for your loss.

LovelaceBiggWither · 20/09/2023 11:43

Not at all. Your therapist has missed the mark. Being around babies after pregnancy loss is so difficult and if you are not ready, then you are not ready. Be worse to go and meet the baby and break down in sobs wouldn't it?

Amara123 · 20/09/2023 11:43

I think your therapist is an assh*le. Grief has no timeline. Go at the rate you are happy with, you are blessed to have such a thoughtful friend.

takealettermsjones · 20/09/2023 11:45

But your friend seems fine with it though? Your therapist sounds bonkers.

I am so, so sorry for your loss.

Completleybonkers · 20/09/2023 11:47

I'm so so sorry for what you have been through.

Find a new therapist and please please make sure they are trauma informed.

Good luck.

fearfuloffluff · 20/09/2023 11:50

I don't think that is a thing that a therapist should ever say.

Meet up when you're ready. Maybe 'meeting' the baby on zoom or facetime etc might help as an interim step?

MrsSkylerWhite · 20/09/2023 11:52

Where did you find your therapist? Are they qualified?

Lasagne345 · 20/09/2023 11:59

Everybody deals with grief their own way and there is no timeline. This has nothing to do with you not being a "good friend". You are going through something and you take as long as you need. I can't believe the therapist would say that.

Phos · 20/09/2023 12:01

I have some friends who have never met my 6 year old! Either due to distance or the fact we always meet up outside of home or whatever. I don’t really care. They are my friends and don’t need to be interested in my daughter to appease me. It’s nice if they are, it’s fine if they’re not.

dancinfeet · 20/09/2023 12:08

have you seen pictures of the baby? I think that possibly just seeing a picture first, then maybe an online/ facetime first as another PP suggested, before meeting in person, and I think that this should be done all in your own time, be it in 6 months or 6 years- you have a right to grieve and no one can put a timeline on that for you. Totally agree that a different therapist may be more understanding than your current one, and sorry for your loss, it’s very early days yet, and I think it’s fine to continue meet your friend without her child.

GG1986 · 20/09/2023 12:17

Wow get rid of your therapist! So sorry you are going through this. After a miscarriage years ago and taking a long time to conceive, I didn't want to be around babies. I'm sure your friend understands how painful this is for you.

35965a · 20/09/2023 12:19

Well it seems to me like your friend is fine with meeting you alone which is all that matters here. Your therapist is wrong. I’m sure the time will come where you will want to meet the baby, but it’s when you’re ready.

Lottapianos · 20/09/2023 12:32

Your THERAPIST said this??? My gosh, I'm flabbergasted

I'm so very sorry OP, what a dreadful thing you've been through. I can't imagine how you are feeling. Please take your time, and go at your own pace here. It's unreasonable for anyone at all to be putting pressure on you to be doing anything you find upsetting at the moment. I know that the nature of therapy is that sometimes you need to be challenged, but this is so inappropriate

Alargeoneplease89 · 20/09/2023 12:36

Is there a reason you didn't see the baby in March before you miscarried?

If you aren't ready to meet up, don't, I'm sure your friend will understand.

coxesorangepippin · 20/09/2023 12:40

Your therapist sounds very unkind

TakeMe2Insanity · 20/09/2023 12:42

You need a new therapist.

rainbowstardrops · 20/09/2023 12:47

Your therapist is not right for you. You literally lost your baby a few months ago!
Ditch the therapist/find another and keep the understanding friend.
So sorry for your loss

TheLuckyOnes · 20/09/2023 12:49

There's absolutely no need to rush this. You are dealing with your own grief and shock, and absolutely don't need to be guilt-tripped into something you're not ready for. Absolutely no reason for you to feel bad.

PimpMyFridge · 20/09/2023 12:50

Wow your therapist is massively out of order!

Your friend understands and instinctively accepts this is no small thing and she can be patient.

If your therapist suggested you might consider when you could meet the baby that would be one thing... but to lay at your door you're a bad friend is utterly insensitive - you aren't being a bad friend. You've explained to your friend your struggle, you've shown her support and friendship in person, that's being a good friend!

If your friend was in the dark, or you were hostile to her because she had a good outcome and you didn't, that would be an example of poor friendship.

Instead we have two women who care for each other, whose personal circumstances massively diverged in a devastating and traumatic way and who are delicately and sensitively navigating how to continue the relationship which is important to them both while the raw wound can heal enough for those stark differences in their lives to be able to overlap once more without one or other being knocked off balance.

F your therapist, they're a t.

vonniee · 20/09/2023 12:52

As someone who has been through this twice, you have my deepest sympathies.
You need to do this at your own pace, it's incredibly difficult. After I lost my first son I was quite quickly forced into a situation where I had to meet a new baby in the family and it almost destroyed me. I learned very quickly after that - things have to be on your terms and the people closest to you just have to understand that. Do what is right for you.
if your friend is a good friend, she may be slightly disappointed that you've not met her baby but she'd feel worse if you were forced into a situation you're not ready for and that could ultimately set you back and cause considerable distress.

Createausername1970 · 20/09/2023 12:53

I had huge difficulty dealing with other peoples babies after a miscarriage, so I can only begin to grasp the distress after experiencing a still birth.

Everybody grieves in their own way and in their own time, there is no right way or no wrong way. The only thing to guard against is getting into the habit of avoidance, it can creep up on you. I know from my experience. But you are so recently bereaved that this isn't something you need to be worrying about at the moment. Be kind to yourself.

You are not being a bad friend. And if your friend is a good friend she will understand and not want to cause you anymore distress.

Not sure about your therapist though.

PimpMyFridge · 20/09/2023 12:53

You carried your baby for longer than you've been grieving so far and your therapist is stating you're a poor friend for not being at a stage in your grief when you can witness someone close to you experiencing that which you have lost yet.
They really need to reconsider their profession.

storypushers · 20/09/2023 12:54

If your friend is alright with this (and she obviously is) then there really is nothing else to consider. You will have to face a whole number of babies at some point but only when you're ready. The timing of this baby and everything in her future will always be a bitter sweet memory for you. I'm so sorry for your loss.

Notsuredontknow · 20/09/2023 14:17

Outrageous comment from your therapist. Please just keep doing whatever you need to. It sounds like your friend is being understanding, thankfully. I’m very sorry for your loss Op x

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