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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For wanting to be open with son and step kids about IVF

76 replies

Sporty123 · 20/09/2023 08:09

After lots of trying and loss, we finally had a little miracle with the help of IVF! And he’s perfect!

he is my first, while DH already had two, so I have two step daughters age 12 & 13.
btw I have a great relationship with them and they have bonded so well with son etc.
we never said we were going through ivf in case it wasn’t successful and didn’t want the girls to be upset if that was the case.
many way little one is now 2 and although still young I have been thinking about how and when to discuss how they were ivf etc.
DH thinks it won’t be necessary.
I also want to tell the girls. Other people know ie our parents and siblings and friends etc.

so I guess I feel like they shouldn’t be the only ones to not know!
their mum doesn’t know since at the time we really didn’t want it getting out etc, but we get on really well with their mum too and I really wouldn’t mind her knowing. She has a family member going though ivf and is really supportive.
she has been really accepting of our little one and and buys him gifts and occasionally babysits etc and she has a great partner.
really we are all just one big blended family so I don’t perceive any issues of how anyone will accept it etc.
m but for some reason DH doesn’t though we should let the kids know and basically I think we should. They might find out one day anyway and I guess I feel like son and step daughters shouldn’t be the only ones not knowing when they are the closest to the situation!
I think with son it would be easier as he could I just grow up knowing and it’s nothing to be ashamed about etc.
so AIBU for wanting to share it with them all? And how best to do this? It does feel awkward knowing how to approach the subject when we have kept it from them for so long.
thanks so much x

OP posts:
Ohambassador · 20/09/2023 08:10

Your DH is their father and he has his view on this, and that view trumps yours.

Enjoy your baby

Ohambassador · 20/09/2023 08:11

does he also not want to tell your son?

Candleabra · 20/09/2023 08:12

I really don’t know. Is it necessary to tell them? Does it matter? I mean you don’t sit kids down and tell them you had sex to make them? I probably wouldn’t keep it a secret, but it wouldn’t be a big “right, sit down I’ve got something to tell you..” moment.
I don’t see why it’s awkward tbh.

Ohambassador · 20/09/2023 08:12

I am surprised that how your 2 year old was conceived is something that you are even thinking about!

Snugglemonkey · 20/09/2023 08:13

I have no experience of older stepchildren, but my ivf dc has always known about his conception. When he asked about babies, we have always answered truthfully. He is 7 and has known about natural and doctor assisted conception for years. Your son will be grand. I would tell the older ones if a conversation came up, but wouldn't make it a big thing.

Untilitsleeps1 · 20/09/2023 08:14

I’m not sure about this. I did IVF and I don’t see it as anything to be ashamed of so I hadn’t even thought of it as a secret to tell or not tell. I mean no parent sits down with their child and says your dad and I had to have sex for 4 months straight before we conceived you. I don’t see why I would sit down and explain their conception to a young child. When my child is grown I plan to tell them about it as it’s medical history and some infertility can be genetic just so they are aware. If they ask how babies are made I can see me explaining that for some people including us it doesn’t work and a doctor helped us.

SoupDragon · 20/09/2023 08:15

Why on earth do you need to tell children how your baby was conceived?? I mean fine if it comes up as a natural part of conversation about conception/infertility/IVF but otherwise... no.

Pollyputhekettleon · 20/09/2023 08:16

Other people know because it made sense to tell them at the time, and because they're adults. There's absolutely no need for your SDDs to know. There will be lots of things about adult life that you share with other adults in your life but not with your SDDs. Children generally don't want to hear the gory details of how they got made, let alone the clinical details of how their sibling came about. If it comes up some day, sure, explain, or if it's relevant when one of them is an adult and having trouble conceiving or whatever, fine.

Why would you even be telling your son? Don't you trust the other adults you've told not to go telling a child how IVF works? Do you think they'd make him feel ashamed about it?!

Ultimately your husband is the SDDs father and you should not do it without his agreement.

Gcsunnyside23 · 20/09/2023 08:16

I'm not sure I understand the big deal, it's not really a conversation you sit kids down for. You won't have told them originally as they were too young and to be honest they probably wouldn't have cared as it wouldn't mean much to a child. If anything I would mention it in passing conversation when chatting about other family member who us struggling with IVF. Is it possible your husband doesn't want everyone knowing because you both needed help and it's a sore point? I may be reaching here. Or is it just plainly he doesn't see the need

Ohambassador · 20/09/2023 08:17

You have a great relationship with your SC

You get on with their mother

why are you looking for problems OP

BananaPalm · 20/09/2023 08:18

What difference does it make though? We were on the verge of ivf and it never crossed my mind as "a thing". I would have been very matter of fact about it from the start. If I were you, I'd probably just mention it in passing. Without making a big deal about it. Because it isn't. Actually, you should be happy and proud about it as it worked for you and you have your lovely son with you now!

Secondwindplease · 20/09/2023 08:19

Ohambassador · 20/09/2023 08:10

Your DH is their father and he has his view on this, and that view trumps yours.

Enjoy your baby

You what now?

LittleObe · 20/09/2023 08:19

I don't really see the point tbh. You had a baby whether you needed a little help with that isn't really relevant.

Maybe if one of the girls needs it when older you could say you'd done it. But otherwise I think you're making a deal out of nothing. It's not like he's a donor child with a different bio parent.

Doingmybest12 · 20/09/2023 08:19

I don't understand why anyone would think this was shameful. If I was your husband , given your view about this being a priority to share, I would wonder if the message the older children got was , your baby is so special and wanted you had this treatment. I think you need to think about your motivation.

minipeony · 20/09/2023 08:20

SoupDragon · 20/09/2023 08:15

Why on earth do you need to tell children how your baby was conceived?? I mean fine if it comes up as a natural part of conversation about conception/infertility/IVF but otherwise... no.

This.

sjj28358 · 20/09/2023 08:22

Yes, openness is always good and family secrets often come back to haunt.

However, unless you have used a donor, I'm not sure why the circumstances of your DS's conception matter in the long term. Do you know how or where you were conceived? Most people don't, and wouldn't care (or want to even think about their parents getting it on - or not, in cases of IVF or AI).

Why do you need to "tell" (or indeed keep from) anyone? The fact that egg met a sperm in a test tube rather than a fallopian tube doesn't alter the person your son is, his genetic background etc.

If you were to have another baby by IVF - I don't know whether that's on the cards or not - that would be the time to be open with your DSDs. And one day, when your son is older, an opportunity will come up and you'll probably mention the circumstances of his creation to him. But being an IVF baby is hardly like being adopted, when it's better for the child to know all along so it's never a huge shock that they're not who they thought they were.

minipeony · 20/09/2023 08:22

If the topic of conception comes up then sure mention it. It was a big deal to you I get it but your child is here now and it doesn't really affect who they are in any way whatsoever.

Ohambassador · 20/09/2023 08:23

Secondwindplease · 20/09/2023 08:19

You what now?

Show quote history

you seriously struggle to understand this post?

Original poster
Sporty123 · 20/09/2023 08:23

Thank you all for your feedback that all makes sense.
i guess I’m worried that it will come up in conversation and I wouldn’t want the girls to be surprised and hear it elsewhere and then wonder why we kept it from them when so many others knew. And when they know about the ivf their aunt is going through. Which means it’s coming up in conversation a lot lately.
I guess I also wouldn’t want son to ever think we kept it from him.
I think because we were open with our families at the time and I know soem of my siblings have talked about it in front of their kids (me neices and nephews etc).

one of my siblings asked me about it in front of my step daughter who didn’t know what we were talking about (she just said treatment so I pretended it was dental).

so I do understand it doesn’t make sense to sit down and make a big deal of it but I also feel there are times we actively hide it too and I feel like I am being so dishonest about it.
the older girl did ask me if our baby was wanted or a surprise! (No idea why she was asking that tbh!)

OP posts:
Noorandapples · 20/09/2023 08:25

There's no reason to keep it a secret, maybe he's thinking you'll sort of make it an announcement. I think it's very healthy to casually discuss all sorts of family life, and ivf is part of their brother's journey so why not! The easiest way to approach it is if you have any photos of his embryo transfer just as a kind of interesting earliest photo of him. Keep it light, I think their dad is making a big, serious deal out of such an interesting and amazing part of having a baby.

minipeony · 20/09/2023 08:27

Noorandapples · 20/09/2023 08:25

There's no reason to keep it a secret, maybe he's thinking you'll sort of make it an announcement. I think it's very healthy to casually discuss all sorts of family life, and ivf is part of their brother's journey so why not! The easiest way to approach it is if you have any photos of his embryo transfer just as a kind of interesting earliest photo of him. Keep it light, I think their dad is making a big, serious deal out of such an interesting and amazing part of having a baby.

That is a way ott and weird way to do it

cherry2727 · 20/09/2023 08:27

It's not that much of a big deal op. It will come out at the right time during the right conversation but no one will hold you guilty of having secrets . Until then just leave it and I'm sure at some point they will find out . It's as relevant as saying " oh I need to tell my kids that i had a csec and not natural birth!" No one would care !

minipeony · 20/09/2023 08:28

And it's not "part of their brother's journey" no more than a couple having sex and making a baby is part of that baby's journey

Ohambassador · 20/09/2023 08:28

is your DH actually saying if it ever comes up in conversation - you are to deny to the girls that you had IVF

or

he just doesn’t want to sit them down and announce it?

is he saying he doesn’t want his son to know?

minipeony · 20/09/2023 08:28

@Ohambassador I think that's a key question and an important difference