For wanting to be open with son and step kids about IVF

[Sporty123]

After lots of trying and loss, we finally had a little miracle with the help of IVF! And he’s perfect!

he is my first, while DH already had two, so I have two step daughters age 12 & 13.
btw I have a great relationship with them and they have bonded so well with son etc.
we never said we were going through ivf in case it wasn’t successful and didn’t want the girls to be upset if that was the case.
many way little one is now 2 and although still young I have been thinking about how and when to discuss how they were ivf etc.
DH thinks it won’t be necessary.
I also want to tell the girls. Other people know ie our parents and siblings and friends etc.

so I guess I feel like they shouldn’t be the only ones to not know!
their mum doesn’t know since at the time we really didn’t want it getting out etc, but we get on really well with their mum too and I really wouldn’t mind her knowing. She has a family member going though ivf and is really supportive.
she has been really accepting of our little one and and buys him gifts and occasionally babysits etc and she has a great partner.
really we are all just one big blended family so I don’t perceive any issues of how anyone will accept it etc.
m but for some reason DH doesn’t though we should let the kids know and basically I think we should. They might find out one day anyway and I guess I feel like son and step daughters shouldn’t be the only ones not knowing when they are the closest to the situation!
I think with son it would be easier as he could I just grow up knowing and it’s nothing to be ashamed about etc.
so AIBU for wanting to share it with them all? And how best to do this? It does feel awkward knowing how to approach the subject when we have kept it from them for so long.
thanks so much x

And not at all clear from the op

OP before you bring up IVF with the dc, have you worked through your own feelings about it? IVF can be a pretty brutal experience - especially for women. And it makes sense to dwell on the arduous process it took to have your baby if you struggled at the time.

Because it does seem odd to be thinking about how to explain conception to a 2 year old. And for your tween and teen dsd - cringe.

If your child is adopted, or the result of donor eggs and sperm, yes I see why an early explanation is best. But that's not the case for you.

I think your desire to tell your dc is about you, not about them. So take care of you first. Make sure you feel solid and strong and have people you can talk this through with.

I’m just trying to picture my DS’s face if I say him down and explained how he was conceived. He’s 19 and would probably stick his fingers in his ears and exclaim “TMF”.
Since you DSDs are both teenagers and will have a good idea how babies are made I suspect they would react the same way.
When we learn the facts of life, the thought of your parents actually having sex in order to conceive you is a little “ick”. IVF will conjure up a whole different picture, just as “ick”.
Do they really need to know?
If any of your children broach the subject then that is the time to come clean. Although from experience with teenagers the last thing they are likely to ask is how they were conceived or for that matter how their siblings were conceived.
DS knows why he is an only child because we explained when he asked. He has never ever asked about his conception.

I had a baby through IVF and it wouldn't occur to me to dicuss it with my kids, no more than if it was a surprise and telling the kids 'so, the condom broke...' . It's private and adults are allowed have privacy, its not a shameful secret but just no ones business, at least that's what I think.

I'd be careful what to say to kids anyway as they make a drama out of everything and will tell everyone.

Funny story - my pals kid told a lady at the supermarket check out (as she admired a new born) 'Daddy didn't make the baby, the man in the office did..' and seeing his Mum's face, he added 'wait, no, that's a secret'.

@Ohambassador
@minipeony

yes that is it too.

it basically came up because when hearing of the the girls aunt (their mums sister) going through ivf DH though it would be a good idea if I spoke with her and offered support. But when I suggested that would mean the girls and their mum knowing more he was not keen on that, more because he doesn’t want the girls to know.
mans I just feel it would be too much for me to keep it secret while supporting their aunt who they know about.

but even without the bit about their about , we are sometimes having to actively hide things in front of the girls when we are around so many people having babies and sharing stories etc

Also don’t worry, I am not going to say anything without agreement!
I came hear because I am not even sure if it is something I should share, or if I do how should I do it…!
I know I am an over thinker too!

Ok that puts a completely different slant on it

ask him outright

“if SD ever asks if I know anyone who has had IVF, do you expect me to lie?”

Good point thanks.
I think my desire is about feeling I am being dishonest with them and will they take issue to the dishonesty? Would they feel let down that so many others knew and they didn’t? And I’m not sure how to deal with those feelings.

It does become a problem when some people take the attitude that children should be told about IVF, just as it's a problem when some tell them how they were conceived at extremely young ages, it then puts others in a difficult position where they're left with effectively no option but to do the same. It becomes an arm's race. It's not even about appropriateness here because the SDDs are old enough to know the full adult version. It's more about why they would want to know that level of detail about their parent and SM's eggs and sperm and hormones. They don't. Any more than they want to know what position their parents used when they were conceived. Personally I would consider IVF my private medical business too.

Have you said to your DH specifically how he wants you to address it if all of these people, who seem to discuss it freely, start talking about it in front of the SDD's again? I think that forces you to answer their questions honestly unfortunately. Giving them the 'a doctor helped us get pregnant with DS' line might do, but at 12 and 13 they're likely to have more questions after that, and they don't know of course that they probably don't want to know the answers.

You already made it into a big deal by hiding it when two opportunities came up. So the issues is that you appear to think it is some big secret when it really isn't. You should have discussed it openly on the first occasion and answered any questions your step kid had. You also should have taken an opportunity to answer the question about wanted or surprise by clarifying that you wanted the baby, so much so that you went though IVF to make it happen.
Unfortunately, due to your previous reaction and attempts to hide it, any reveal you do now will be tainted with the air of wrongdoing. You made IVF seem shameful. I am really not sure how you can dig yourself out of it now.

When your SD asked whether the baby was planned or surprise that was a missed opportunity to mention the IVF in a more organic way. That's probably as far as I'd feel I need to go in regards to a reveal, if a question came up, I'd answer with the truth. I wouldn't see any reason to bring it up on its own.

This. My baby is also an IVF baby. I don't feel the need to share that and for what purpose? It's actually private for me and I just don't see the need to tell anyone. Maybe if it was during then I would think you need the support but after the fact, I would think 'ok then ' and would be confused at what you wanted me to say or do.

This. You wouldn't discuss a usual conception of having sex so why this? I see no difference to someone else knowing or wanting to know and I say this as someone who has a baby via IVF.

Completely understand the dilemma of everyone knowing but them - it's tricky isn't it? We had our DD through IVF and have talked about it with her but in an age appropriate way and when she brought up related topics... for people saying why would you... when your DC is pestering you for a sibling and you know it's not an option, it's helpful to be able to say 'well, we had to have extra help from the doctors to have you, so we won't be able to have a brothern/sister'. Initially that was it but I've basically gone for the approach of answering her questions when she asks...

Yeh I think I could ask him that. But if I bring it up he thinks there is nothing to discuss.
so I am trying to figure out how to feel ok about it all.
I guess me and DH are opposite on it right now - he is if the thinking, understandably, ‘why do they need to know?’ While I am of the thinking ‘why do we need to keep it from them’ and there is no agreement on how to deal with it if it just comes up naturally.
but DH is happy to be open with any adult, hence why he suggested I speak with the girls aunt. But I don’t feel comfortable with that if that girls can’t know about our journey, because they know about their aunt, and it’s just too much for a cross over and then expecting their aunt to keep it from them too just felt weird to me.

The thing is, to the people going through IVF it’s a big thing. It’s expensive, painful and emotionally draining.
literally no one outside of that couple will give it a second thought though. I can’t imagine even asking if someone I knew had used IVF or conceived naturally and furthermore if the subject came up I’d not ask them anything about it. So I doubt the kids will care either way. If they find out they do, if they don’t they don’t. I very much doubt if they did find it out they’d even mention it to you. Stop worrying.

Yes that does make it feel more awkward.

but I couldn’t share the ivf with my step daughters if my husband didn’t want me to.
but that’s the predicament I am in.
I am not feeling good about actively hiding it on such a way, but we haven’t come to an agreement to share it.

My eldest 2 are IVF and we have always been open with them in an age appropriate way. When my daughter asked how baby’s were made we talked about seeds and eggs. When she was old enough to ask how that happened I explained both sex (man puts seed in woman’s tummy and it meets egg) and also ivf (doctor helped because seed and egg was having problem finding each other) and that her and her brother were ivf. It was never a sit down conversation but I’ve been happy to be 100% open about it and it’s never been an issue at all.

I also don't get why DH is putting it on you to discuss with your step kid's aunt. So their mum's sister? Having been through it yourself doesn't create any obligation for you to be an emotional crutch for someone else if you don't want to

Basically OP your DH has put you in a tricky position asking you to both not tell the dsc about it while also expecting you to talk to their aunt about it

Tbh 12/13yr olds do not want to know these details about their parents. No need to share at present.

Sorry if this is insensitive but is DS biologically yours and DH child? If so, I can’t see the point of telling him or anyone else exactly how he was conceived, not as a child anyway.

Yes well to be fair I wouldn’t mind speaking to the aunt, I like to help others and DH knows this.
I’m just not happy to do if I can’t be honest with the girls because that’s too tricky. I think he just hadn’t thought of that part when he asked me about speaking with the aunt. Until I brought it up

Yes he is

yeh I guess that’s how I’d want it to be but not sure how to get there if on different pages