Page 3 | For wanting to be open with son and step kids about IVF

Sporty123 · 2023-09-20T07:09:07+00:00

After lots of trying and loss, we finally had a little miracle with the help of IVF! And he’s perfect! he is my first, while DH already had two, so I have two step daughters age 12 & 13. btw I have a great relationship with them and they have bonded so well with son etc. we never said we were going through ivf in case it wasn’t successful and didn’t want the girls to be upset if that was the case. many way little one is now 2 and although still young I have been thinking about how and when to discuss how they were ivf etc. DH thinks it won’t be necessary. I also want to tell the girls. Other people know ie our parents and siblings and friends etc. so I guess I feel like they shouldn’t be the only ones to not know! their mum doesn’t know since at the time we really didn’t want it getting out etc, but we get on really well with their mum too and I really wouldn’t mind her knowing. She has a family member going though ivf and is really supportive. she has been really accepting of our little one and and buys him gifts and occasionally babysits etc and she has a great partner. really we are all just one big blended family so I don’t perceive any issues of how anyone will accept it etc. m but for some reason DH doesn’t though we should let the kids know and basically I think we should. They might find out one day anyway and I guess I feel like son and step daughters shouldn’t be the only ones not knowing when they are the closest to the situation! I think with son it would be easier as he could I just grow up knowing and it’s nothing to be ashamed about etc. so AIBU for wanting to share it with them all? And how best to do this? It does feel awkward knowing how to approach the subject when we have kept it from them for so long. thanks so much x

AllAboardTootToot · 20/09/2023 09:10

Is this about you or the kids?

there is absolutely no reason for the kids to know, your husband is right. If it comes up when they are older then by all means but what purpose does that serve right now?

Those same people that know about IVF also know that Santa and the Easter bunny isn’t real so shall you tell them about that to? Yes I’m being irrational on purpose but just fitting with the tone of this topic!

Original poster

Sporty123 · 20/09/2023 09:10

Cognitivedisonance · 20/09/2023 08:54

The thing is, to the people going through IVF it’s a big thing. It’s expensive, painful and emotionally draining.
literally no one outside of that couple will give it a second thought though. I can’t imagine even asking if someone I knew had used IVF or conceived naturally and furthermore if the subject came up I’d not ask them anything about it. So I doubt the kids will care either way. If they find out they do, if they don’t they don’t. I very much doubt if they did find it out they’d even mention it to you. Stop worrying.

I am a big worrier and over thinker!
I would like it to be oh if they find out they do etc but I’m over thinking it way to much and I know DH doesn’t want them finding out accidentally either so I struggle to deal with it all

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Original poster

Sporty123 · 20/09/2023 09:14

AllAboardTootToot · 20/09/2023 09:10

Is this about you or the kids?

there is absolutely no reason for the kids to know, your husband is right. If it comes up when they are older then by all means but what purpose does that serve right now?

Those same people that know about IVF also know that Santa and the Easter bunny isn’t real so shall you tell them about that to? Yes I’m being irrational on purpose but just fitting with the tone of this topic!

Yes that makes sense!
but I just don’t know what to do if they do ask, seeing as their aunt is going through ivf and is sharing the journey with them. As DH doesn’t want them knowing so it’s starting to feel uncomfortable making a point of hiding things from them. I do understand where is coming from too btw, and I’m not going to just go and tell them.

so yes soem if these is my own feelings, and feeling like I am purposely hiding things from them and wondering how will they feel if they find out from someone else one day, especially when they are so open with me.

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Original poster

Sporty123 · 20/09/2023 09:16

toadasoda · 20/09/2023 08:31

I had a baby through IVF and it wouldn't occur to me to dicuss it with my kids, no more than if it was a surprise and telling the kids 'so, the condom broke...' . It's private and adults are allowed have privacy, its not a shameful secret but just no ones business, at least that's what I think.

I'd be careful what to say to kids anyway as they make a drama out of everything and will tell everyone.

Funny story - my pals kid told a lady at the supermarket check out (as she admired a new born) 'Daddy didn't make the baby, the man in the office did..' and seeing his Mum's face, he added 'wait, no, that's a secret'.

Omg!

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Original poster

Sporty123 · 20/09/2023 09:17

Angrymum22 · 20/09/2023 08:30

I’m just trying to picture my DS’s face if I say him down and explained how he was conceived. He’s 19 and would probably stick his fingers in his ears and exclaim “TMF”.
Since you DSDs are both teenagers and will have a good idea how babies are made I suspect they would react the same way.
When we learn the facts of life, the thought of your parents actually having sex in order to conceive you is a little “ick”. IVF will conjure up a whole different picture, just as “ick”.
Do they really need to know?
If any of your children broach the subject then that is the time to come clean. Although from experience with teenagers the last thing they are likely to ask is how they were conceived or for that matter how their siblings were conceived.
DS knows why he is an only child because we explained when he asked. He has never ever asked about his conception.

Edited

One of them did ask if we really wanted son or if he was a surprise!

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Original poster

Sporty123 · 20/09/2023 09:18

Pollyputhekettleon · 20/09/2023 08:38

It does become a problem when some people take the attitude that children should be told about IVF, just as it's a problem when some tell them how they were conceived at extremely young ages, it then puts others in a difficult position where they're left with effectively no option but to do the same. It becomes an arm's race. It's not even about appropriateness here because the SDDs are old enough to know the full adult version. It's more about why they would want to know that level of detail about their parent and SM's eggs and sperm and hormones. They don't. Any more than they want to know what position their parents used when they were conceived. Personally I would consider IVF my private medical business too.

Have you said to your DH specifically how he wants you to address it if all of these people, who seem to discuss it freely, start talking about it in front of the SDD's again? I think that forces you to answer their questions honestly unfortunately. Giving them the 'a doctor helped us get pregnant with DS' line might do, but at 12 and 13 they're likely to have more questions after that, and they don't know of course that they probably don't want to know the answers.

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Oh good advice thank you. I’ll try to speak with DG again

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Ellie1015 · 20/09/2023 09:20

I would definitely want to tell them whenever it comes up naturally in conversation and if they are likely to hear about Aunt then not mentioning does feel like lying by omission to me.

However it is how awkward as dh does not want step kids to know. I would ask him what he expects you to say if conversations come up? Nothing? Lie? Ask your dad?

Is dh imaginging some big sit down announcement? Maybe that is what he doesnt want?

There is a good chance Aunt will be keeping it quiet from children anyway for similar reasons you did. So it might not come up.

minipeony · 20/09/2023 09:24

Sporty123 · 20/09/2023 09:14

Yes that makes sense!
but I just don’t know what to do if they do ask, seeing as their aunt is going through ivf and is sharing the journey with them. As DH doesn’t want them knowing so it’s starting to feel uncomfortable making a point of hiding things from them. I do understand where is coming from too btw, and I’m not going to just go and tell them.

so yes soem if these is my own feelings, and feeling like I am purposely hiding things from them and wondering how will they feel if they find out from someone else one day, especially when they are so open with me.

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Tell them to speak to their dad if they ask. If he's going to put restrictions on you he can deal with it.

Original poster

Sporty123 · 20/09/2023 09:26

minipeony · 20/09/2023 08:27

That is a way ott and weird way to do it

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Yes actually perhaps my thought also stems from in my family we do talk about these things a lot! I have many siblings who have always shared birth stories and all about our own etc etc.
DH also has a big family who share birth stories. DH also talks about the girls birth stories and they love to laugh about how one was difficult and emergency c section.
he told the girls about my birth and the forceps and all the blood I lost (I didn’t know he had until they asked me how I felt about it!)
but yes we wouldn’t share sex details so I get the thinking on sharing ivf is weird.
but having said that I do have a time lapse video of the 5 days leading up to transfer and it is pretty cool actually! (You can see the point where things weren’t looking good but then came good again!)
Also when they did transfer it looks like a tiny shooting star entering you!
it is prettt cool to see that!

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Original poster

Sporty123 · 20/09/2023 09:28

Ellie1015 · 20/09/2023 09:20

I would definitely want to tell them whenever it comes up naturally in conversation and if they are likely to hear about Aunt then not mentioning does feel like lying by omission to me.

However it is how awkward as dh does not want step kids to know. I would ask him what he expects you to say if conversations come up? Nothing? Lie? Ask your dad?

Is dh imaginging some big sit down announcement? Maybe that is what he doesnt want?

There is a good chance Aunt will be keeping it quiet from children anyway for similar reasons you did. So it might not come up.

They know about their aunt doing ivf. They were the ones who told us in the first place!
so yes it does feel like lying by omission.
but yeh maybe I need to clarify with DH I don’t want a big sit down announcement.

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Original poster

Sporty123 · 20/09/2023 09:29

minipeony · 20/09/2023 09:24

Tell them to speak to their dad if they ask. If he's going to put restrictions on you he can deal with it.

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Yes I think I should do that. For some reason they ask me certain things and not him though!

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Pollyputhekettleon · 20/09/2023 09:31

If DH doesn't want them finding out accidentally then you and he need to have a serious, and very belated, conversation with everyone you've told and ask them to keep it to themselves. They're also going to need to have that conversation with their own children now. I very much doubt if that many people, including apparently children, are going to be able to keep it to themselves.

Why is their aunt 'sharing her IVF journey' with them anyway? She hardly needs support from a 12 and 13 year old. If she were trying to get pregnant naturally, would she be sharing with them how often she's having sex ttc, or how she's tracking her ovulation through vaginal discharge, or her worries about whether her DH's sperm might be damaged from all those years of smoking weed, or maybe it's an undiagnosed STD etc?

Apart from anything else, IVF can obviously be extremely stressful and upsetting for people. I don't know how it would benefit two girls at the start of their reproductive lives, dealing with puberty themselves, to be sucked in to a process that can cause grown adults massive levels of stress.

trockodile · 20/09/2023 09:40

I would have some leaflets/books on the subject lying around-so if the girls want to ask about it, they can but it’s not a big deal. So many stories online about celebs who have IVF/use surrogates etc, it’s not likely to be a new concept to them. Neither will they have any idea as to how intensive/stressful/invasive the procedure is or how much of your life it took up so it doesn’t have to be presented as a big secret-just a medical procedure which wasn’t really relevant to them at the time.

Original poster

Sporty123 · 20/09/2023 09:42

Pollyputhekettleon · 20/09/2023 09:31

If DH doesn't want them finding out accidentally then you and he need to have a serious, and very belated, conversation with everyone you've told and ask them to keep it to themselves. They're also going to need to have that conversation with their own children now. I very much doubt if that many people, including apparently children, are going to be able to keep it to themselves.

Why is their aunt 'sharing her IVF journey' with them anyway? She hardly needs support from a 12 and 13 year old. If she were trying to get pregnant naturally, would she be sharing with them how often she's having sex ttc, or how she's tracking her ovulation through vaginal discharge, or her worries about whether her DH's sperm might be damaged from all those years of smoking weed, or maybe it's an undiagnosed STD etc?

Apart from anything else, IVF can obviously be extremely stressful and upsetting for people. I don't know how it would benefit two girls at the start of their reproductive lives, dealing with puberty themselves, to be sucked in to a process that can cause grown adults massive levels of stress.

I think their aunt is sharing her journey because their mum is too - they just talking about everything with the kids around. It’s just how they are, it’s not a criticism, and the girls are actually accepting about so many things.
DH and I have always been more secretive. I didn’t want to share our journey at the time either, because we didn’t want the girls getting their hopes up etc.

m they don’t see their aunt very often so I don’t think they would have an emotional response if it doesn’t work for their aunt in the same we they probably would have if they knew about us and it didn’t work.
but I guess all this is making it feel tricky to me to keep hiding out side of things

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Original poster

Sporty123 · 20/09/2023 09:45

trockodile · 20/09/2023 09:40

I would have some leaflets/books on the subject lying around-so if the girls want to ask about it, they can but it’s not a big deal. So many stories online about celebs who have IVF/use surrogates etc, it’s not likely to be a new concept to them. Neither will they have any idea as to how intensive/stressful/invasive the procedure is or how much of your life it took up so it doesn’t have to be presented as a big secret-just a medical procedure which wasn’t really relevant to them at the time.

When we first announced the pregnancy one of the girls came to me later and asked if that’s why she found pregnancy supplements hiding in the cupboard! Who know what else they found!
we had to hide ivf medications on the fridge - behind food they didn’t like.
they are smart and capable of looking things up.
they tell us so many things about other people that they’ve overheard etc. soemtimes I wonder if they know more than we realise, or when they ask questions it’s because they already have an idea of the answer!

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YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 20/09/2023 09:46

I think the fact that their aunt is going through it is a large part of what is making this tricky for you. If it wasn't for DH being a bit odd about it things would be very simple - 'well actually we went through the same as Aunt X, we didn't want to worry you at the time'.

DH's insistence on secrecy is making it awkward as it would be very easy for it to come up organically and not be a big deal. You feel like you're holding back which is uncomfortable with people you love and very understandable that you don't like it. You sound like an absolutely lovely step mum. If it ever comes up later on then you just need to hand it over to DH to explain why he didn't want them to know, it's between them and him and you don't have a choice, that isn't your fault.

GeorgeBeckett · 20/09/2023 09:47

I've just answered questions as they've come up in an age appropriate way.

DS1 was conceived naturally but has a genetic condition we didn't know about, which will mean that if he wants to have children he will need surgical sperm retrieval and IVF. We had IVF with genetic testing for DS2 so he wouldn't have the same condition, however he is a carrier so may want to consider doing the same if he met a partner who was also a carrier.

DS1 was asking about how babies were made and we spoke about seeds and eggs, sometimes the man puts the seed in the woman's tummy, sometimes they have help from doctors and nurses, either because the egg and seed aren't meeting on their own or on DS2s case so they could make sure he didn't have the gene. We have friends who have adopted children, and IVF children, and donor conceived children. It seemed a good opportunity to mention there were lots of ways to have a family and bring up 2 mums/2 dads as well. It was just a chat that came up. He had a few questions, then started talking about Batman. But he can come back for more. In our case easier now than a big reveal later. I don't know how much he took in but that's fine.

I do agree you don't need to discuss conception, but also this situation of secrecy and shame might seep through and given it's an actual regular conversation in your house you probably do need a plan for direct questions. My vote would be openness and matter of factness if asked directly, but no need for a sit down big reveal.

GeorgeBeckett · 20/09/2023 09:50

Also - you could even say not everyone is as open about these things as Auntie. We're all different and you don't need to tell everyone everything. Some people are more private and that's ok too. Probably a useful concept.

KingOfThieves · 20/09/2023 09:56

No one needs to know how you conceived your child. It doesn’t have to be a secret and you should talk about it if you want, but I don’t think you need to give any thought on “how” to approach it. My child is 10 and they ask a lot of questions 😁 but how ‘they’ were conceived is not one of them

AnneLovesGilbert · 20/09/2023 10:04

My DSC were conceived through IVF and they did see the photos of the Petri dishes, they think it’s very cool, they’ve always known about it. The slight confusion came when they found out babies aren’t all made that way.

I’m not sure shared younger DD knows about it, it’s not a secret and she was naturally conceived but when we get into the details of reproduction it’ll probably come up.

Apollonia1 · 20/09/2023 10:14

My twins were conceived through IVF. It never entered my head to hide it from them - when they ask how they got into my tummy, I tell them about going to the clinic and making the embryo.

I have a photo of the two blastocysts - they love trying to guess which one resulted in which twin.

54isanopendoor · 20/09/2023 10:14

My Ds & Dd are icsi IVF. My (ex!) H 'wouldn't (let me) tell them' when small.
None of his family would speak of it. It's like they were ashamed.
I told them when older as Consultant had advised Ds might need to know in case it was genetic & I didn't want Ds to know & not Dd. They just shrugged.
It wasn't a big deal to them. It isn't a big deal. Your H has made it into one.
You can't inform your step kids without his permission. Awkward for you.

gogomoto · 20/09/2023 10:45

If your baby is both of yours biologically then there's no need to worry, ivf is normal these days, I'd drop it into a conversation casually, it's no big deal. If you used an egg or sperm donor it needs a lot more consideration, perhaps seek advice on the best way to tell half siblings

Ilikeicecream · 20/09/2023 10:52

Sporty123 · 20/09/2023 08:33

@Ohambassador
@minipeony

yes that is it too.

it basically came up because when hearing of the the girls aunt (their mums sister) going through ivf DH though it would be a good idea if I spoke with her and offered support. But when I suggested that would mean the girls and their mum knowing more he was not keen on that, more because he doesn’t want the girls to know.
mans I just feel it would be too much for me to keep it secret while supporting their aunt who they know about.

but even without the bit about their about , we are sometimes having to actively hide things in front of the girls when we are around so many people having babies and sharing stories etc

I maybe wrong but as an outsider to me it all looks a bit enmeshed. It's great you all get along right now but having this closeness to ex and her family to share personal and intimate details does not usually work. His ex / sis mentioning your treatment in front of kids also shows there is a boundary issues in the family.

Your dh asking you to offer support / share your infertility, ivf journey with sister of his ex is a bit too much. Even if she was his own sister, for him to suggest you should offer support is not ok, it should come from you, ivf and infertility is a very stressful experience for women and they should not be asked to relive that experience. Of course, if you were to offer on your own is a different thing.

Regarding your question, kids do not need this information. When they are adults, if it us relevant to them, sure share it.
Don't make your toddler feel he is different from others. You know he was wanted but kids can have weird perspectives, like a pp said her friend's kid said a man in office made the baby.

But reading all your posts on this thread, makes me think your family has no boundaries.

Mamai90 · 20/09/2023 10:53

I know loads of ivf babies, it's not a rare occurance, it might come up at some point in your DCs life and you can mention they were conceived through IVF but I'm assuming you used your own eggs so it's not exactly a big deal. I don't think anyone would be put out that they didn't know, it's a total non issue.

I did IVF before I had my two children, the pregnancy ended in miscarriage but I'm doubtful I would have given it much thought once they were born or felt I needed to reveal anything.

Just be open if the time comes.