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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find my nine year old daughter draining

100 replies

Sasha998 · 19/09/2023 21:46

Can someone give me advice. I’m a single parents to two girls and the eldest (9) is really wearing me out. Her behaviour has gone awful and I feel like there’s just no peace in the house at the minute. She sees her father and me and him have a very amicable relationship. And I’ve been a single parent for some time.

I get that she’s at the age where puberty is kicking In but she’s absolutely awful to me and her little sister. She will call my younger daughter a ‘tramp’ or ‘disgusting’ if she wakes up and doesn’t shower/brush her hair straight away. She makes my younger daughter cry often by just being very mean to her, constantly looking at her and saying things like ‘eww you’re disgusting’. She has text me previously whilst at her dads house saying she HATES her little sister because she hasn’t combed her hair?!

she is constantly giving me attitude, if it’s not pulling faces at me or eye rolls it’s side eyes or talking to me like I’m a three year old (talking slowly and exaggerating the ends of words)

every single day there will be a battle in the house. In the morning she will refuse to have breakfast, at dinner she will constantly make excuses for whatever food I’ve made despite at times her choosing the food. She will make comments like ‘stop force feeding me I don’t want to be FAT’ (obv I don’t force feed her.) she will actually say to me it’s child abuse to tell me off!

I have wondered if she has an eating disorder of some type but i don’t think she has. She’s at the age where she is very image conscious, she will wake up extra early for school to ensure she has a long shower and pampering session before she goes yet always manages to evade breakfast.

she is extremely bright at school and in her after school activities so no issues there and is very well behaved at school, always gets glowing reports but with me and her little sister she just turns into this mean girl and I’m becoming to really dislike her behaviour. She just doesn’t listen to me. She doesn’t understand ‘no’ and will whinge and cry and do whatever it takes to get her own way.

this evening she made a huge drama about hot chocolate - id made both girls and myself a hot chocolate and she decided it was too ‘chocolatey’ so after persuading her to have it saying me and her sister have had it, it’s nice etc and she being adamant that she won’t have it, I told her to get ready for bed then because it was bed time anyway and she was non stop crying and whingeing and then came down and was like FINE ILL HAVE THE HOT CHOCOLATE and then afterwards said I force fed her it.. when she decided to have it. This might sound minor but she is constantly being manipulative and doing things like this on a daily basis

I just want to have relaxed evenings without having to worry about what she’s going to kick off about. I have had one to one time with her where her sister stays at her dads house (when my eldest refuses to go) but even when it’s just me and her she will find something to argue with me about.
for example, she wanted to go shopping last week, I was quite ill and had a bad stomach so I said I can’t take you today i am ill but we can go next week and she went crazy at me insisting I take her, despite knowing I was ill - the funny thing is, her dad had just taken her shopping the day before yet she insisted and ended up arguing with me

she has on occasions called me a ‘fat ugly pig’ (im not fat so it’s interesting she chooses to use this word) and other things which I am too ashamed to write on here (not swear words)

there are no issues at school. As mentioned she is excelling and has a good friendship group. She does after school activities and has hobbies.

she sees her dad every day, she’s fine with him.

I just don’t know what to do. And I don’t know what I’m doing wrong all I know is that I feel drained and I feel sorry for my younger daughter who sees this behaviour and is also on the receiving end of it

OP posts:
Sawaranga · 19/09/2023 21:49

I think you should take her to the doctor. Sounds like she could do with some mental health help.

kerrypacker · 19/09/2023 21:53

It does sound like she might be developing some issues with food. Does her father have a girlfriend or wife? Could any of this be coming from her?

KylieKangaroo · 19/09/2023 21:55

That doesn't sound like normal behaviour to me, what goes on when she is with her Dad, is he with anyone else who might act a certain way which she is influenced by? I feel for you as it sounds awful

Coka · 19/09/2023 22:01

This all sounds very exteme for age nine and to me sounds more like the behaviour of a 12/13 year old. Id be concerned about what she is being exposed to to even be thinking about these things, talking about people being gross and fat etc.

Original poster
Sasha998 · 19/09/2023 22:03

No her dad isn’t with anyone else but her grandmother and aunty since a young age have drilled it into her ‘you don’t want to get fat’ I know this because my daughter used to tell me and I can expect this from them and when I used to tell her dad he just used to brush it off. The aunt has also from a very young age tried to wax my daughters legs (when she didn’t even have anything) but I told my ex and it’s never happened again. From a young age the aunt has been giving my daughter expensive makeup and perfume and I’d tell my ex to take it back but I know that when she goes there they use all her stuff

OP posts:
Isitthathardtobekind · 19/09/2023 22:03

I’m surprised she is so bothered by frequent showers/pampering at 9. Most I know with similar age children can’t get them to get in a shower and they hate doing their hair etc.
It sounds like she is pushing boundaries and feeling cross about things that shouldn’t really bother her - like her sister’s hair. I would check with teachers that she is happy in school and with friendships etc. Then see if they have a PSA (Parent support advisor) you could speak to. They will be able to point you in the direction of where to get support. They may also be able to give her some ELSA time so she can talk through any issues.

SecretVictoria · 19/09/2023 22:03

And the consequences for speaking to you in this way are? No way would I let a child talk to me like that. Sounds like she needs a sharp telling off and some discipline.

MrsValentine24 · 19/09/2023 22:05

All her insults seem to be centred around body image, appearance and weight so I would be concerned about where she’s picking up these messages. Is she accessing some kind of age inappropriate media content — I’m thinking of those anorexia or self harm promoting pages or some kind of misogynistic YouTube video channel. Or is one of her friends doing this and then sharing it at school? Does she have unfettered access to the internet, either at yours or her dads? I’m not sure it’s completely normal to be so image conscious to the point where you skip meals and get up early for school to spend more time in the bathroom at the age of 9. 12 or 13 maybe, but I assume your 9 year old doesn’t wear make-up, so what exactly is she getting up to do? Do you have scales in the bathroom?

I’d be in her search history if I were you.

Inkyblue123 · 19/09/2023 22:06

Could she stay at her dads more frequently? Just to give you a break whilst you get this sorted?

Original poster
Sasha998 · 19/09/2023 22:07

The consequences are I tell her off very badly she will say ‘sor’rryyyyyy’ with an eye roll, so I tell her to apologise properly but she just won’t do it properly until she knows I won’t give in. There’s times I have sat with her for ages until she apologies properly. When she storms up the stairs in anger I tell her to come back down and walk up in the correct manner, again she will stomp up but I keep telling her to come down and walk back up again properly. I don’t think I’m a push over but obviously my discipline isn’t working

OP posts:
CaveMum · 19/09/2023 22:07

I have a 9yo DD whose attitude has been foul in recent months, but I struggle to get her to wash her hair twice a week never mind her having long showers every day!

As has been said, a lot of the language being used is more like a teenager than a 9yo - does she have slightly older cousins or friends with older siblings where she might be picking up on things?

Isitthathardtobekind · 19/09/2023 22:08

SecretVictoria · 19/09/2023 22:03

And the consequences for speaking to you in this way are? No way would I let a child talk to me like that. Sounds like she needs a sharp telling off and some discipline.

Agree. But I would raise this when she isn’t already being cross. Explain that it’s absolutely not okay for her to speak to you in a rude way and give some examples of what you mean. Then if it happens put the consequences in place.

Is there a way you could have some 1:1 time with her where you can go and do something together - she might open up a bit then. Especially if it’s a side to side conversation while doing something else

Coka · 19/09/2023 22:12

Sounds like dads family are the issue and have caused a lot of insecurities and a negative body image which will take a lot of work to undo. How horrible for her. If something doesnt change i imagine the teenage years are going to be awful for her.

Isitthathardtobekind · 19/09/2023 22:12

Also check she isn’t accessing Tik Tok/Instagram/Snapchat etc anywhere as these could have real negative impact on self image and can be really damaging- especially for someone as young as her.

Original poster
Sasha998 · 19/09/2023 22:13

No she doesn’t wear makeup. She will have a loooong shower and then she puts cream on, moisturiser, and then spends ages on her hair (she has very very long hair) she doesn’t have unfettered access to the internet, during school days she’s not allowed the internet as she has after school activities and on the weekend either me or her dad take her out. She does use the internet and has access to YouTube but she mainly watches slime videos or kids her age dancing around etc

OP posts:
Hotsaucegal · 19/09/2023 22:13

often children who are smart and well behaved at school are rudest at home. recent experience as nanny with to boys who went to posh prep school were so disrespectful, manipulative and rude. Does she have a smart phone/access to YouTube TikTok ect… feel like obsession with image and food may be related to content on there.

Original poster
Sasha998 · 19/09/2023 22:14

No she doesn’t, the issue I believe has stemmed from my ex mil and sil, sil is 27 and very image conscious and projects it onto my daughter.

OP posts:
SomeCatFromJapan · 19/09/2023 22:14

I think there need to be more punishments than just talking.

Original poster
Sasha998 · 19/09/2023 22:16

She doesn’t have a phone and only very recently (this summer) got access to an iPad. She does not have tik tok or Snapchat she mainly uses it for roblux. She is friends with one of my friends daughter who is older (11) but she is very different to my daughter and not image conscious

OP posts:
TawnyLarue · 19/09/2023 22:18

Shes 9??

my daughter is 9. Her and her pals still play with barbies and sylvanian families. Where is she getting this from?? Does she have a phone and social media?

determinedtomakethiswork · 19/09/2023 22:18

Is there anyway you can have your other child on your own sometimes and then have her on her own? It's bad for your other child to always have to be with her.

Pollyputhekettleon · 19/09/2023 22:19

Sasha998 · 19/09/2023 22:07

The consequences are I tell her off very badly she will say ‘sor’rryyyyyy’ with an eye roll, so I tell her to apologise properly but she just won’t do it properly until she knows I won’t give in. There’s times I have sat with her for ages until she apologies properly. When she storms up the stairs in anger I tell her to come back down and walk up in the correct manner, again she will stomp up but I keep telling her to come down and walk back up again properly. I don’t think I’m a push over but obviously my discipline isn’t working

Those aren't consequences. Consequences are you take away some privilege that she has or something like that. She shouldn't have any unsupervised access to Youtube, she shouldn't have creams and moisturizers to put on at the age of 9 (unless she has an actual skin condition, which I presume not).

I suspect her bizarre aunt is behind this. Some people have what's not far off a fetish for trying to make children grow up earlier. Waxing a young girl's legs, giving her expensive makeup and perfume?! Between that and telling her to not get fat I bet there's much more going on there and none of it is sane. Can you talk to her about her aunt's behaviour?

Original poster
Sasha998 · 19/09/2023 22:20

She also ‘tries’ not to eat junk ie sweets and chocolates and when I ask her what treat she wants she will always say ‘blueberries’ it was a bit funny at the start but she knows blueberries are good for your skin so I am sure that’s her main motive for always requesting them

OP posts:
Ilovenyfan · 19/09/2023 22:21

I think I would book into some family counselling sessions with her. Being that image conscious at 9 isn’t a good thing, especially the skipping meals. It sounds like she has an eating disorder.

Ultimately, she’s not a happy child, even if she is fine at school and with friends- she’s masking. Defo get her into some sort of counselling. She needs help with her anger issues if nothing else.

Original poster
Sasha998 · 19/09/2023 22:21

No she doesn’t have a phone nor does she have social media. Other than her aunt I don’t know where she is getting this from. She will play with slime and fidget toys and draws but she stopped playing with her other toys ages ago

OP posts: